Suicide, my child and me

[Bradleysmom]

33 days ago my son took his life. My biggest fear is now my reality. Bradley was 20 years young, Beautiful, Hansome, Charismatic, Proud and loved his mama. I'm trying to stay strong but I just wish I could hurry up the grieving process. Although my husband, mother, sisters and daughter have been wonderful, I feel no comfort. I seem to masked my pain and put on a happy face for their sake. Its not important to me to know why he committed suicide, but to learn how to cope with this devastating loss. Is there hope for this mother ?

[mikesmum]

33 days ago my son took his life. My biggest fear is now my reality. Bradley was 20 years young, Beautiful, Hansome, Charismatic, Proud and loved his mama. I'm trying to stay strong but I just wish I could hurry up the grieving process. Although my husband, mother, sisters and daughter have been wonderful, I feel no comfort. I seem to masked my pain and put on a happy face for their sake. Its not important to me to know why he committed suicide, but to learn how to cope with this devastating loss. Is there hope for this mother ?

Susie ~ Losing a child flies in the face of nature, its not supposed to be like that...we are supposed to go first. That was my reality.

Its 4 years, 10 months, 20 days since my handsome, gentle, loving son took his life. I am blessed to have two other children and 5 grandchildren, one of them is Mikes daughter. Like you I wondered back in those early dark days if there was any hope for me. How could I possibly survive with a heart shattered and a belief system obliterated beyond repair.

Somehow, I found myself here. I found I wasn't alone. My reality was similar to others, my fears, my aches, my brokeness were acknowledged by those who truly knew.

Those who had been here before me told my I would find the grief would soften. It has. They also told me to take this journey one step, one breath one heartbeat at a time ~ I do.

Even now, without much warning the reality I now live with can take me down...I come here to be with those who understand.

Most of us post on Loss of an Adult child. We call ourselves Indigo's. When I joined this site it was known as 'Beyond Indigo', hence the name.

Please join us if you feel you can. Talk about Bradley, the boy you raised, the boy you love. Our children are so much more than just that one horrific day.

Be kind to yourself...this thing called grief has no timetable, no set progression, no absolutes other than a sadness that comes from losing someone so loved.

Trudi...

[hotrod]

Dear Susie, Bardleysmom

I am so very glad that you found this place to share your loss and pain. As Trudie stated we, who have lost a child understands as few others can .The pain caused by this grief is so deep and hard to endure. Only those who have live with it can truly understand. Sharing here and just reading helped me 4 years ago when I lost my only son, Stephen. many days I would just read and cry and then slowly I began to share my heart. It does help to be connected to others who are waling the same road Please keep coming back and when you can go to the Gallery section and post photos of your lovely son Bradley. It helps me so much to come here and look at my album of Happy Times

Keep coming back.

[Bradleysmom]

Oh my God Trudi.... You are so right, my son is so much more than that horrific day. Thank You

Susie ~ Losing a child flies in the face of nature, its not supposed to be like that...we are supposed to go first. That was my reality.

Its 4 years, 10 months, 20 days since my handsome, gentle, loving son took his life. I am blessed to have two other children and 5 grandchildren, one of them is Mikes daughter. Like you I wondered back in those early dark days if there was any hope for me. How could I possibly survive with a heart shattered and a belief system obliterated beyond repair.

Somehow, I found myself here. I found I wasn't alone. My reality was similar to others, my fears, my aches, my brokeness were acknowledged by those who truly knew.

Those who had been here before me told my I would find the grief would soften. It has. They also told me to take this journey one step, one breath one heartbeat at a time ~ I do.

Even now, without much warning the reality I now live with can take me down...I come here to be with those who understand.

Most of us post on Loss of an Adult child. We call ourselves Indigo's. When I joined this site it was known as 'Beyond Indigo', hence the name.

Please join us if you feel you can. Talk about Bradley, the boy you raised, the boy you love. Our children are so much more than just that one horrific day.

Be kind to yourself...this thing called grief has no timetable, no set progression, no absolutes other than a sadness that comes from losing someone so loved.

Trudi...

[Bradleysmom]

Thank you for responding..... for a moment there, I thought I was all alone.

Dear Susie, Bardleysmom

I am so very glad that you found this place to share your loss and pain. As Trudie stated we, who have lost a child understands as few others can .The pain caused by this grief is so deep and hard to endure. Only those who have live with it can truly understand. Sharing here and just reading helped me 4 years ago when I lost my only son, Stephen. many days I would just read and cry and then slowly I began to share my heart. It does help to be connected to others who are waling the same road Please keep coming back and when you can go to the Gallery section and post photos of your lovely son Bradley. It helps me so much to come here and look at my album of Happy Times

Keep coming back.

[sadmomm]

Bradleys mom I am so sorry. I feel the way you do. When it was new it was really not real. My mind has done nothing but work on it since. Morgan was unhappy and I was rapped up in my own bull ****. Now MY bull **** means nothing . and everything he said means everything. I let him down and my other children by making poor choices. I see everything should have been meaningful and wrapped around their very being. I am a year and a half into it. And I don't have much faith that it will ever be the same. I guess we all think differently shaped by our parents and our choices. I made the wrong choices.. He did also. But he was innocent. although an adult I think they are very immature and I was so wrong thinking they were boys. Well boys are more likely to make dumb mistakes and I think this life puts too much on them. Today is the first day in a long time that i am trying to pull myself up. I wake up every night sleepless. with the pain of the reality that is real.His soul will on in me. But I will forever forever... be sad... There are other people that have made it better than me. I do like to find comfort here. No one knows but us. Death was always someone elses problem. Not when your whole life is changed by loosing the biggest part. of your happiness. I wish we could all get together and cry and share our precious children with eachother. LIfe goes on. Love to you Carrie Morgans Mom

[Bradleysmom]

If we only loved them we did not fail as mothers......I never thought I would be part of this elite club, nor did I want to be. I am though grateful that there is this forum to release our sorrow. This pain is never ending, is it? Rest assure Carrie, Morgan loves you and he knew that you loved him. You are right, we will never be the same. I'm still new to this grief and living day by day..... with hope. We should honor our sons by healing. Love, Susie

Bradleys mom I am so sorry. I feel the way you do. When it was new it was really not real. My mind has done nothing but work on it since. Morgan was unhappy and I was rapped up in my own bull ****. Now MY bull **** means nothing . and everything he said means everything. I let him down and my other children by making poor choices. I see everything should have been meaningful and wrapped around their very being. I am a year and a half into it. And I don't have much faith that it will ever be the same. I guess we all think differently shaped by our parents and our choices. I made the wrong choices.. He did also. But he was innocent. although an adult I think they are very immature and I was so wrong thinking they were boys. Well boys are more likely to make dumb mistakes and I think this life puts too much on them. Today is the first day in a long time that i am trying to pull myself up. I wake up every night sleepless. with the pain of the reality that is real.His soul will on in me. But I will forever forever... be sad... There are other people that have made it better than me. I do like to find comfort here. No one knows but us. Death was always someone elses problem. Not when your whole life is changed by loosing the biggest part. of your happiness. I wish we could all get together and cry and share our precious children with eachother. LIfe goes on. Love to you Carrie Morgans Mom

[dwsmithrn]

dear susie....bless your aching heart....i do know what it feels like, to lose a son to suicide. my son was 32 years old...had jusr celebrated his birthday on the 19th of jan....talked to him that morning and he was fine (yeah, right!)...then, on friday the 21st, he was gone....in the blink of an eye. we had texted back and forth on that thursday and something told me something was not right, but i did not go to him. a 4 1/2 hour drive and i did not follow my instincts. i did not go save my child. my other son lives 8 minutes away from him, they were best buddies and he is a police officer...he and 3 others had to go find him. it was too late....nathan hid his depression so well, no one knew how sad he was and no one knew why he was so sad. he was smart and financially stable and had just received his doctorate in occupational therapy...he owned 3 houses...had all he wanted, but was not married....i think a part of it was that he was lonely....there may be more to it that i can 'guess' on but sometimes depression is just depression and it is what it is. but why did i not notice or do something about it? i feel like a failure to my child....if i failed him, then i can fail the rest of my family...so, i feel guilt with grief and i cannot get through this....it is a long journey that i do not and will not walk. i am stuck somewhere along the way. i sat down and refuse to get up and continue on the path. this month is a horrible time as were the holidays. i don't know if i can make it. others tell me i can and that time will make the pain softer and that i will be able to handle it. i will see what time brings me...i just know my heart hurts and my head and my soul and my heart are still at war and none of them are winning. i hurt all over and nothing is working right. i hate this journey and none of it is fair to any of us. i know, no one said life is fair, but this is tough. and i don't know if i am tough enough to endure this.

i am so sorry i have babbled on and on, susie, but i do know how your heart must ache for your son.

thinking of you and hoping you angel is looking down on you with a smile. diane

[cmiller]

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss here. My son also completed suicide, but actually could have been saved if the paramedics would have taken him straight to the ER, but they didn't they let the cops take him to not just one psych place but 4 different ones. Then they give him a drug for alcoholics that caused futher failure to his liver and kidneys. The doctors at the hopsital said if they would have taken him straight to the ER they could have given him the antidote to reverse the affects of the tylenol he had taken. There was a 4 hour window for my son to be saved and because of the stupid choices of the parmedics he died. Just because his vitals were normal, the paramedics said he did not need to go to ER. Where the hell do these people get their training at. At least I had a few days with him before he died. he told me he was sorry, that he loved me and wanted to come back home with me, never thought he'd be coming home with me in an urn. My mother had died a few days before he did this. I think the pain of losing his grandmother was just too much and then he had lost a close friend a few months before that. he was depressed, but I never ever thought he would ever take his own life. I was blind to it. I should have seen the signs since I've battled it most of my life. My poor child must have inherited it from me. So YES, I should have known. I still feel guilty. Nothing anyone says can or will ever change that. but I know deep inside my son does not blame me. He told me, HE WAS SORRY for taking the pills. He didn't realize he was going to really die. He didn't know. He probably thought that since he was at the hospital he would be okay. It was the worst roller coaster ride of my life. One small improvement in his vitals, we jumped for joy only to be let down an hour later. Life will never be the same.

Siince my son apologized while he could to me, I can confidently say that one who completes suicide does not blame their decision on others. I know, I've tried 3 times and failed ( after his death). I only wanted to end my pain, that was all. There is nothing that anyone could have said or done to make me change my mind. I was even talking to my daughter on the phone as I was taking my pills. Made love to my husband, cause that was my way of saying goodbye. He had no idea. Once he was sound asleep, I began the process.

PLEASE KNOW FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE, THERE IS NO BLAME ON ANYONE. DON'T FEEL QUILTY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT QUILTY. IT IS NO ONES FAULT WHEN A PERSON COMPLETES SUICIDE. SOMETIMES THE DECISION CAN BE MADE MONTHS IN ADVANCE. I can't blame myself anymore, my son said, "I'm sorry momma". Tears in his eyes. I'm sure others who have completed suicide said that they were sorry too. They didn't mean to hurt anyone by taking their life away. I wasn't thinking about that either. I did finally understand how my son just wan't to end his pain, it was too much for him to handle. I found my mom's obituary and her picture was smeared with tears from my son. That was the catalyst, plus all the other things going on in his life. I guess i just want to let you all know who had a child complete suicide to not blame yourself. It's not your fault. Because when I tried, it was not my mothers fault or my dad's fault. It was not anyone's fault, it was my own decision and that is the only way I knew of to end my pain. But I failed. So believe me when I say, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.