Odd thoughts

[Gail 8588]

Sometimes random odd thoughts take root in my brain and I can't ignore them, though I try. 

My birthday last month brought me to the age my husband was when he died.  I'm not ill. I have no reason to think I will die this year.  I have every reason to expect I will live a decade or two more.  Yet my brain often floats up some random thought this will be the last New Years I will see, because this is all that my love ever had. 

It's completely irrational.  I do not have any fear of death.  But I am no longer longing for death to take me.  I love seeing my grandchildren grow up and I hope to be in their lives for years to come.  

But this 'last trip around the sun' mentality keeps floating into my consciousness.  Tonight when I watched Georgia trounce TCU, I thought 'well if it couldn't be the Gators I'm glad an SEC team won my last championship game'.  I immediately thought, that's crazy Gail, you will watch another Championship game next year. 

So maybe I am crazy. I don't know. I think it is still my brain somehow trying to make sense of John's dying.  Trying to make it "fair".  If he only had this many Christmases, New Years, college football championships, etc. then I should only have the same number.  That's fair, right?

I don't feel like it's any kind of omen or anything. It's just this sad reminder that this is the year everything ended for him.  I don't think it is the year life will end for me. 

It's not fair. It will never be fair. 

Gail

 

[foreverhis]

You're not crazy, Gail.  I sometimes think about that too.  How will I feel if I get to the age John was when he died and then live beyond that.  I've actually thought that I could be okay for that long, but what about after?  Will I feel guilty?  Will I feel let down?  I don't know.  No, it's not fair.  It will never be fair. 

I haven't feared dying in a few years, but you're right, over time I stopped asking John to "Come get me, honey."  Still, I really don't want to live into my 90s as so many women in my family do.  Now that I have Cosi, I have more reason to stay alive for her lifetime.  Of course, I want to see our granddaughter finish growing up.  Sometimes we talk about her beloved grandpa.  She asks what he would think or say about things.  I tell her stories.  He is always in her heart, I know this to be true, but by talking and mixing him in with her memories now, we keep him alive in her life as well.

I'm sending you huge virtual hugs, Gail, to help get you through the times when your brain goes a little...off track?

[Roxeanne]

It's not so odd Gail....i thought that too!

Life will flow as it should ...despite our odd thinking!

What hurt me a little is that i will never be younger than him...😔

 

[KayC]

Gail, I went through what you're grappling with the year I turned 62, the age my dad was when he died (my mom lived to 92).  When that year came and went I saw I wasn't going to die...now I'm 70.  I don't fear I'll die soon, if it weren't for Kodie, I'd be longing for it I think, but am afraid I have another 20+ years, esp. the way I take care of myself.  That's what I fear...

[Gail 8588]

@LostThomas 

Thomas, 

I urge you to try to interrupt those thoughts about how are you going to handle being without Mitzi for the rest of your life. It is overwhelming and unproductive at this early stage to grapple with these questions. 

Your mind has suffered a very traumatic injury.  It needs time to heal before you can ask it to do complex problem solving. 

If you broke your leg, you would understand you have to avoid putting pressure on it until it heals.  

I believe "Brain Fog" after a terrible loss is a real thing.  No matter how logical and rational we were in our former life, when we lose our soulmate, our brains are just not functioning well for quite awhile. 

My brain could not see anyway forward for me without John. I was just in a dark vortex of loss and dispair whenever I tried to find a way out. 

It helped me a lot to tell myself, "I don't have to figure out the rest of my life today. Today I just need to 1. Get the garbage out to the curb, 2.  Feed and walk the dog  3.  Eat something nutritious.  Everything else can wait until I am stronger."  

Focus on just what has to be done today.  You can do those few concrete things.  The big complex problems, all the what if's, the how will I ever be able tos, they can be put aside for now. 

You are so early in your grief journey. Give yourself some time. Be gentle with your mind and heart. 

Just my humble advice. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

That’s perfect, Gail. And so true.❤️

[KayC]

VERY true!  When these thoughts assail me as they sometimes do, I call myself back to TODAY, this moment and remind myself, "You only have to do today."  Then tomorrow I get up and do it again.

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

That’s what I called “acceptance” for myself. I finally had to accept the reality in front of me. Not accepting that losing John was fair or right for me, our girls, the people who love him, or John himself. It will never be those things. Just knowing and accepting that the life I am living now is what is.

It took a long time to get there. And one of the things that helped was not looking down the dark, murky road to “the rest of my life.” That was and is far too difficult and scary for me. But now I am able to look a little way forward and even make plans for the near future.

[Gail 8588]

Thomas, 

I have seen many people comment that they felt pressure (spoken and unspoken) that they should 'get over' their grief in just a few months. 

I never had friends or family imply that to me.  I think they all knew how utterly dependent I was on him. 

I do think that my co-workers became impatient (not unreasonably) with my inability to pull myself together and 'get back to normal'. 

A year after my husband died I gave notice that I would retire early in just a few months.  I think my boss was very relieved as I am sure there were discussions going on about what to do with me. 

For the next several years I did my best to pretend to be 'getting better'.  But I am not sure many folks were fooled. I was just a zombie, dead on the inside, barely able to go through the motions of living. 

When asked by friends directly "How are you doing?" My response was "I just haven't figured out how to live without him." That went on for most of the first 4 years.  Slowly it shifted to "I am beginning to find a way to live without him."  That was a big shift for me. 

Everyone comes to grief with their unique circumstances.  People with young children still at home don't have the option to be overcome by grief as I did. They have enormous pressure to make the world seem safe and normal for their children.  Others are caregivers to older relatives, and have to meet their daily needs no matter how grief stricken they feel. I was very close to retirement age, but not everyone can just walk away from their job. There are so many variables we each have to deal with. 

Don't feel pressure from people who think you should be 'over it" by a certain date. They just don't have a clue as to what you are going through. 

Not everyone who has lost a spouse lost their soulmate.  It is not measured by how many years you had together,  but more by how much life force you gave to each other. John filled my being with everything that made me strong, courageous, happy, content etc. And I did the same for him. When he died, I was an empty shell of a person.  It can take a long time to find enough bits and pieces to fill that void. 

Sorry for rambling on here. Bottom line, take all the time you need. 

Gail

[Kevin O]

Thank you Gail. Some days that's what I need to make me feel just a little better.  Someone to tell me to take all the time I need.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, LostThomas said:

'grief warriors', characterized as an unwillingness to allow someone to dilute how they felt about their loved one. 

I love that.  It's important to stand up for ourselves and not allow anyone to devalue our experience...even and esp. in grief!

12 hours ago, Kevin O said:

Some days that's what I need to make me feel just a little better.  Someone to tell me to take all the time I need.

Tell yourself that, in lieu of others not telling you.  Over and over again, Dr. Phil's words "You have to teach people how to treat you." comes back to me....wise words.  It's hard in early grief, we don't KNOW how/what/why in the beginning, let alone to teach anyone else!  But if something isn't feeling right to you, speak up to them about it.  I remember doing that with my older sister (the one that always gives advice and wants to fix things) and I remember her crying out loudly, "I just never know what to do with you!" to which I replied, "Just be there, and listen, and care, that's what I need."