The Trauma is Unbearable

[TGold]

3 words torment me. “It’s not survivable”.  These were the first words from my husband’s ER doctor.  I wanted to scream, “why are you giving up on this him? “Why aren’t you even trying?” but I knew if he did survive, the risk of infection from the burns would kill him.  3 words from a doctor - a stranger, who likely went home to his family while I couldn’t even comprehend that I had just  lost my world.

And my weight is so low, it’s like I’m literally trying to disappear.  My therapist was luckily on call tonight.  She suggested I try EMDR for trauma.  Talk therapy has only done so much for me.  All I really need is for him to come home.  He fixed everything.  He protected me and he loved me as intensely as I loved him.  
 

Weekends really suck, when all these emotions run rampant.  Thank you for listening.  

[KayC]

That is a great suggestion from your therapist!

EMDR
Also these:
EFT
EFT in Grief

[Kevin O]

The weekends are the worst. My anxiety starts the moment I clock out at work Friday and stays until I go to bed Sunday night. I'm still unable to read a book. I just don't have the concentration. I don't want to get in the habit of watching TV all day so I don't turn it on until 6 or 7. Even then I'm really just half paying attention. There are so many things I could be doing around the house but I just can't get motivated. And the overwhelming sense of loneliness is unbearable. Last night I texted a woman that I worked with many years ago and asked her if she remembered when we both  lived alone in apartments in the city and loved it. Just loved it. Now that I work from home, there are days when I talk to no one. Not even a good morning or a good night.  Now I'm just doing my best to pretend that I will find some form of middle ground. Maybe not total acceptance but just something that makes me feel that it's ok. That there are worse things than being alone. That I'm more fortunate than others. That in time I will make peace with my new normal.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Kevin O said:

I'm still unable to read a book.

My focus is not there anymore.  I have a ton of books and can't read, I mean I can but then find I read the same words over and over as my mind wanders...same is true for t.v., can't get into watching a movie.  It just doesn't happen anymore.  

 

21 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I'll be walking soon, and it's 41 degrees.

I'm glad to see you're making the effort.  Your weather sounds like here lately...usually it's snowing this time of year....NOT complaining though!  Rain in the forecast all week, that's okay too, at least I don't have to shovel it!

[TGold]

On 1/7/2023 at 7:09 AM, LostThomas said:

This is so tough for me to try and comprehend.  Bringing up EMDR tells me a lot though.  I'm aware of that therapy and I cannot speak to it with competency other than being cognizant of side effects as would be the case with anything.   I came across this because I live in an area with a significant veteran population and I recall reading about it in connection with PTSD, and as an effective treatment for that.   Something like this feels like it rests on a boundary.  I'm glad there was on-call access for help when you needed it.   I can't even talk about my own trauma event, not here either, but it's there, wakes me up at times and I'm concerned about those flashbacks.

I can relate to certain days that are harder as well.  It used to be that Friday nights were always something I looked forward to...but not anymore.  Friday nights feel permanently branded into my brain now and it is terrifying all over again.  I had to resort to breathing exercises to manage the stress of it.  I did a little better this past week but the weather was much warmer than normal for this time of year.  All that's gone today and I plugged the space heater in again.  I had been able to turn the heat off for almost a week.  It's little things that upset balance that are so difficult.

It's so hard for you.  That comes through when you communicate.  There are a lot of people here ready to share burdens.   I've told a few others here, we can walk together through this, for as long as it takes.  For me, nothing is off the table, not anymore, except the trauma of my own nightmare.  It's just too much.

I'll check this thread over the weekend...and wish you well in catching your breath.  I'll be walking soon, and it's 41 degrees.  But I have to do it, one step at a time.  It takes a staggering effort to fix a broken world.  But there are people determined to do it.

@LostThomas thank you for your kind response. Fridays were always our special nights so I understand why you are having difficulty getting through them.  It’s hard to create new rituals when you cherished the ones you shared together.

Lately, weekend nights have been very blah and numb feeling, so this panic attack was even scarier because I don’t know what triggered it and of course I was alone. I’m going to give EMDR a shot - it makes sense that veterans use it in your area. My doctor will give me referrals hopefully tomorrow.
 

 I’m glad you were able to get some walking in.  I went to the gym for the first time in almost a year.  I can’t believe how much muscle I’ve lost. I’m determined to walk, go on short runs and weight lift at least 3x a week.  I think forcing some structure will do me some good.

[TGold]

On 1/7/2023 at 9:10 AM, Kevin O said:

The weekends are the worst. My anxiety starts the moment I clock out at work Friday and stays until I go to bed Sunday night. I'm still unable to read a book. I just don't have the concentration. I don't want to get in the habit of watching TV all day so I don't turn it on until 6 or 7. Even then I'm really just half paying attention. There are so many things I could be doing around the house but I just can't get motivated. And the overwhelming sense of loneliness is unbearable. Last night I texted a woman that I worked with many years ago and asked her if she remembered when we both  lived alone in apartments in the city and loved it. Just loved it. Now that I work from home, there are days when I talk to no one. Not even a good morning or a good night.  Now I'm just doing my best to pretend that I will find some form of middle ground. Maybe not total acceptance but just something that makes me feel that it's ok. That there are worse things than being alone. That I'm more fortunate than others. That in time I will make peace with my new normal.

@Kevin O you’re right about weekends,  I like being alone but I also like being invited to do things. I won’t usually go, but it’s nice to be thought of.  Full concentration is nearly impossible for me as well. The stuff around your house will get done at some point, maybe there are friends who could help you?  I can tell you from at least my experience that there is a middle ground and you’ll have easier days, even if it’s one step forward, 2 steps backward for now.  I’m not as far along as others but your pain resonates with me. Sending a big hug.

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I'm going to have to find a way to a 'new' normal, but it will be anything but normal.  I can't do that.

That is why I don't really like the term "new normal."  It's true the normal we knew, the life we had, is gone.  It's also true that we have to figure out a way to move forward.  But anything or anyone--including ourselves--who try to push us into thinking that's a "new normal" should stop, IMO.  We all find our way, but thinking it's "normal" has a negative connotation, again for me, because it feels as if I'm supposed to put the "old normal" behind me and "move on."  There's no moving on, just moving forward.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I read a lot but not really books.   I read articles about lots of things and my life centers on issues, and reality - what is going on in the world, and learning something or doing something.

Oh  yes, I do this all the time!  I read about diabetic related things, studies, etc. and share them with my group, also grief related, news, but books???  Not so much.

 

6 hours ago, TGold said:

I like being alone but I also like being invited to do things. I won’t usually go, but it’s nice to be thought of.

There is a guy in town that plays a fiddle amazingly well and we used to have him at our company Christmas parties...he was playing at a dinner Sat. night, I would have loved to have gone even though I couldn't eat what they were serving, just to be out and around the liveliness!   Watching people get up and dance (his dad, in his 90s started it!)  and seeing the video on FB the next day makes me wish I'd gone.  I just don't, it's hard to go to things alone, always alone.  But it's also hard being at home all the time, all the years slipping by and missing life.  What am I waiting for?  Death?  Instead Dish rebooted twice, costing me 1/2 hour down time right before going to sleep.  I need to get the equipment replaced, I hate learning new stuff like that, I like knowing where the buttons on the remote are but this is making it imperative I do something, I can't put it off any more, besides it ruins recordings.

 

20 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I'm going to have to find a way to a 'new' normal, but it will be anything but normal.

Maybe think of it as way of life, we can all work on that, but "normal" when this feels abnormal no matter how many years goes by?  I don't think so, I realize it's a psyche term but...