Members Popular Post alexakay Posted January 7, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 7, 2023 how am i supposed to cope with losing my boyfriend? my bestfriend? so suddenly and traumatically. i feel like i cant continue life without him it hurts so bad. i dont wanna leave the house cause we were always here and i feel connected to him here.. im so used to having him next to me and to talk to at anytime and now im just so lonely. it was always me and him and i honestly feel like i cant be here without him. the last 4 years we were together 24/7 7 days a week no breaks. i couldnt even go to sleep without him in the bed next to me. the only reason i sleep now is by taking zzzquil every night. i hate how everyones lifes have gone back to normal but my life has forever changed completely. my normal isnt normal anymore and im not sure how to cope with that. ive been fortunate enough to not lose anyone close to me til now and i dont know how to deal with it. i dont even like leaving the house cause everything is a reminder of him we did everything together.. i cant wrap my head around the fact that hes gone. i even held his casket cause i was so numb from everything going on i didnt fully accept what was going on around me. oh and let me mention, i was still grieving the loss of our 2 year old dog dying earlier in november, then this happens at the end of november.. 3 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted January 7, 2023 Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2023 I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of your boyfriend. Everything that you've written is so understandable and common to all of us here. What happened is horrible and sadly, I don't have any proven ways of how to cope. Love is why we grieve and that love continues to bloom even without them present. Sadly, our stories do have some similarities. I was with my partner for four years and he was taken from me suddenly without any warning whatsoever...healthy guy passed away in his sleep. There is shock and confusion...they call it a grief fog. I had just been getting over the loss of my cat when my partner's passing happened a little over ten months ago. How did I cope with such tragedy? Basically like how you're doing it. Confused and continually questioning. I knew I didn't want to leave the house because I needed to be surrounded by the memories, the familiarity and the comfort of our life together....my safe space. Giving ourselves comfort at this time (despite what others may think) is one of the most important ways to cope because it's being a good friend to ourselves. And I agree with you....I hate that everyone else's lives went back to normal while mine became a friggin' living nightmare. I also learned to cope with this one day at a time. I didn't know how initially or what that meant but eventually I caught on. It's what we can handle right now because it hurts too much to be thinking of the past all the time and we sure don't need to think about the future. Today is all we can manage. I journaled and watched endless online videos on grief...and I still need to watch them. Here is a link to an article on the concept of "one day at a time" that I bookmarked because it made some sense to me. Warm hugs to you and be patient with yourself. https://medium.com/transform-the-pain/take-it-one-day-at-a-time-tips-for-coping-with-grief-2-c2f42b523175 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members alexakay Posted January 7, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted January 7, 2023 3 hours ago, DWS said: I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of your boyfriend. Everything that you've written is so understandable and common to all of us here. What happened is horrible and sadly, I don't have any proven ways of how to cope. Love is why we grieve and that love continues to bloom even without them present. Sadly, our stories do have some similarities. I was with my partner for four years and he was taken from me suddenly without any warning whatsoever...healthy guy passed away in his sleep. There is shock and confusion...they call it a grief fog. I had just been getting over the loss of my cat when my partner's passing happened a little over ten months ago. How did I cope with such tragedy? Basically like how you're doing it. Confused and continually questioning. I knew I didn't want to leave the house because I needed to be surrounded by the memories, the familiarity and the comfort of our life together....my safe space. Giving ourselves comfort at this time (despite what others may think) is one of the most important ways to cope because it's being a good friend to ourselves. And I agree with you....I hate that everyone else's lives went back to normal while mine became a friggin' living nightmare. I also learned to cope with this one day at a time. I didn't know how initially or what that meant but eventually I caught on. It's what we can handle right now because it hurts too much to be thinking of the past all the time and we sure don't need to think about the future. Today is all we can manage. I journaled and watched endless online videos on grief...and I still need to watch them. Here is a link to an article on the concept of "one day at a time" that I bookmarked because it made some sense to me. Warm hugs to you and be patient with yourself. https://medium.com/transform-the-pain/take-it-one-day-at-a-time-tips-for-coping-with-grief-2-c2f42b523175 Your comment made me feel not feel alone for once during this time.. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 7, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted January 7, 2023 I am so sorry for your losses, your pet and your BF, everything you wrote is how I felt early on in my journey! It's the hardest thing in the world! To lose those you are so close to, that are in your everyday life, there are no words, yet we've been through this also. My heart goes out to you. I hope you will continue to come here, to read and post, it helps us process our grief and know others "get it" and understand. It helps us to know we are not alone in what we are going through. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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