I hate myself for losing my dog

[kim27]

I lost my beloved dog a week ago. 2 days before he died, he won’t eat but drink water. It was so hard to find a vet here, some needs appointment and won’t accept walk in, others they have vet but the review is so poor I don’t want to trust them on my baby, others was so expensive and I don’t have a money I had a vehicular accident so I need to quit my job ,on the 3rd day he poop blood and good timing we have a family friend who’s a vet, I travelled 3 hrs on a motorcycle to seek help. I was so afraid I pray and pray, I don’t remember myself praying like this, all I want is for my baby to be well again, I visited him the next day, on my way to the vet he had seizure, when I arrived the vet told me he’s very weak, I saw him and he was pitiful, I have never knew that this kind of pain exist, I hold his paw telling him that I am here and he needs to fight, my hand never leave his head then a few minutes I saw his head fell,I thought it was just the effect of a medicine, I called the doctor and she announced his death. It was as if he only waited for me before he gave up. It was very painful, I won’t eat or drink for days, I just cry and cry, until now I’m down, it’s funny  I’m psychology graduate and a counselor but I couldn’t even console myself, I hate myself for being stupid, If I just send him to a vet sooner, he’s probably still with me now, I hate God, that he allowed this, so everyday as soon as I open my eyes I slap my face left and right to ask forgiveness to my Bo( that’s his name), because I’m still alive and he’s not. He’s only 6 months and I have love him like my son, he’s supposed to live 15-18 years, I felt I stole it from him,  I’m responsible for his death, It is unfortunate that he had me as a fur parent, if he had others he’s probably still alive.  All the people around me were saying it was just a dog, no, it’s not, he’s a family, and I’ve lost a big part of me, I’m 35 years old now and I’m planning to take veterinary medicine, never again will I have this kind of lost. I will help pet and their parents too, I will do this to atone for my sin and seek forgiveness. I will always love you Bo, you will always be remembered, never forgotten. I miss you so much, I tried to research in the Bible if there is really a chance that we will see each other again, but it’s not definite and only conclusions, but if there is I want to see you again, just wait for me there okay? I’ll make you proud, play with your toys there for the meantime, run free, free from pain, I miss you, I love you, I’m sorry. Forever in my heart Bo. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your dog's death, there had to be underlying issues for a dog of six months to die of natural causes, but it's not likely there's anything they could have done for him.  Tell Bo your feelings just like you're talking to me, I believe they can hear us at times, he has no need to forgive you as you did nothing but love him and he knows that, dogs are very intuitive.  Please accept Bo's forgiveness and forgive yourself whatever you think you did wrong...honestly $ is unfortunately an option as I don't know any vets that don't charge a fortune and treat it like a $ making business.  Long gone are the James Herriots of this world that trade a dozen eggs for an in home visit! (All Things Great and Small, etc).

5 hours ago, kim27 said:

All the people around me were saying it was just a dog

NO!!!  They are absolutely the closest family we can have!  If they're telling you this, distance yourself for a time, look into a grief support group for pets, maybe griefshare.com  I hope they help you.  I led grief support groups before Covid and undoubtedly will again, it helps to have people to share their feelings and know you're heard and understood.  One of the hardest deaths I've had was my last dog, maybe you could try putting your feelings and memories to pen like I did?  It was a good outlet but most of all I didn't want him forgotten.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

Your feelings about God are common in early grief...it took me about a year to realize He'd been there carrying me all along, he didn't cause your dog to die and cares about your feelings.

[kim27]

Thank you so much, it was really nice if someone is there to listen, it was really hard, but Bo will be my strength and I won’t fail him again, more power on this group, thank you for helping people like me. 

[KayC]

@kim27  You are more than welcome.  Losing my Arlie is definitely one of the hardest losses I've ever had to endure, it has definitely  been a journey...

Praying for you and sending you comfort in the time ahead.  You have an amazing attitude, it will serve you well.