Friends, stop asking me what I’m doing for NYE.

[TGold]

No, I’m not celebrating.  Stop telling me my husband would want me to, it doesn’t work.

No, I don’t want to watch all of you kiss your spouses/partners when the ball drops.

Why can’t you understand how hard it is for me to go home alone to an empty bed afterwards?  
 

It’s not a holiday for me.  And not only did I just politely decline, please, please respect my decision and stop trying to convince me I’ll have fun. You’ll have fun and I’m legitimately happy for you.

 

Selfish?  Maybe.  Unable to be the best person and friend you deserve?  Definitely.

[Ronni_W]

3 hours ago, TGold said:

[...] Selfish?  Maybe.  Unable to be the best person and friend you deserve?  Definitely.

Selfish? No, most definitely not.

Self-aware and self-caring and self-loving and self-compassionate? Maybe. Definitely.

Unable to be the "best" person and friend that they deserve? No; most definitely not!!!

[TGold]

@Ronni_W thanks, your opinion has made me feel a lot better ♥️

[KayC]

I have a neighbor who is having a big party at their house tonight, bonfire, music, etc, three houses down, open invitation to all of us.  I appreciate it but think I'll just go to bed if I can sleep with all the noise tonight.  @TGold  Everything you wrote is totally right on as response to them.  Honor your feelings and give way to them in a positive way (not committing suicide) no need to explain or not even, just do what seems right to you as far as what you do/do not do.  I know we all handle grief differently but I think few of us feel like celebrating the NY unless it be the end of the bad things that happened this year...I remember my first NY, it was hard to digest entering a year in which George had not lived.

[DWS]

You are definitely not being selfish. As Ronni said, this is self-caring and self-loving. Our poor hearts can only take so much.

This time of year is proving to be as brutal as I suspected but I wasn't prepared for my intense sobbing that's happened so far this morning. New Year's Eve is that notorious time for reflection, evaluation, analyzing.....but we grievers have been in the painful grips of that practically every moment of the day. I think for today I'll need to go back to numbness. 

[AJ4]

I too am dreading a bit the ball drop moment.  I think I might just make a trip to the bathroom right before and not have to see anyone smooching.  I miss my new year's kiss dreadfully.   Last year I didn't go out at all but stayed home and went to bed early.  I didn't think it was right that there was a new year without him seeing it.  This year I'm going to a friend's party.  I hope I don't cry too much.

[Mama_Bear_11]

Midnight is my anniversary. It would have been 22 years. We got engaged at midnight on NYE too. So, I totally get you on the "stop asking" thing! I'm just going through the motions for my kids, but this is one of the worst grief days since he died.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

Midnight is my anniversary. It would have been 22 years. We got engaged at midnight on NYE too. So, I totally get you on the "stop asking" thing! I'm just going through the motions for my kids, but this is one of the worst grief days since he died.

Thinking of you especially, that has to be hard.

[TGold]

@Mama_Bear_11 and all of you, please take care of yourselves. Thank you for supporting me, I wish I had found this forum earlier in my journey, but better late than never. Wishing everyone tons of strength tonight and in 2023. Xoxo

[Ronni_W]

14 hours ago, LostThomas said:

[...] I've learned already that what doesn't help is actually harmful.  That may not be entirely fair, [...]

For me only...not only is it entirely fair, but it is also entirely accurate.

My struggle is along the lines of just setting really 'hard boundaries' so that the hurtful, harmful and damaging (words and actions and inaction of others) does not end up encroaching, invading and violating (those boundaries), and, in the process, me my own self passively permitting/allowing just further harm, hurt and damage to happen to my own self, psyche and Soul. (Telling people to just back off and go away and leave me the heck alone...still feels like a "not right" thing for me to do, but, as you say, LT, it's just accommodating garbage and lesser-lower behaviour.)

Sending you Strength and everything else that you need as you approach the month of February.   Ronni

[TGold]

@Ronni_W it’s so hard to tell people to back off when your strength and energy are compromised.  Everything is so much more difficult and amplified.  You feel so alone in your struggle and it’s frustrating that people just don’t get all that you go through.  All the triggers and sadness and insecurity.  I’ve found that removing myself and avoiding was (and still is) all I can do sometimes.  Just getting out of bed and facing the day is a huge win. I don’t mean to sound all dooms day, just that I know at least for me, I need to be less hard on myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

[widower2]

  

On 12/30/2022 at 2:08 PM, TGold said:

No, I’m not celebrating.  Stop telling me my husband would want me to, it doesn’t work.

No, I don’t want to watch all of you kiss your spouses/partners when the ball drops.

Why can’t you understand how hard it is for me to go home alone to an empty bed afterwards?  

Because anyone who hasn't been there is clueless. They make this obvious with their well-intentioned but often woefully bad suggestions and comments. Your feelings and comments make perfect sense, I'm sure most if not all of us here can relate. And I'm sorry you had to endure such annoying ignorance. I would just suggest you try to keep in mind it was with the best of intentions. I had little of that....but I did have people who are important to me who said and did and offered..........nothing. Granted it's not much of a choice, but I'd rather someone who made an effort to help, no matter how ignorant and fumbling it was, at least showing that they care to some degree, than nothing. 

Regardless of all that, I wish you and everyone whatever comfort you can find in the coming year.

[KayC]

I took my tree down yesterday...Kodie cried.  He put his paw on me and looked at me intently in the eyes and put his paw on me again trying to get my attention.  He couldn't believe I'd take it down (I suppose it didn't help that I put it out by the trash can as I have another on it's way, a bit smaller).  It broke my heart that I broke his heart.

Ignored all the partying going on and fireworks, was hoping they wouldn't set the woods on fire, it's illegal here as most places, but thankfully the place still stands this morning.  A day like any other...hoping this year brings something better than last year did...that's my wish for us all.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I did have people who are important to me who said and did and offered..........nothing.

I'm sorry, I pretty much got the same response, all friends disappeared in short order!  Still trying to find some all these years later.

[KayC]

They are great communicators!  I have to set up my new one when it comes to make sure the lights work, am worried about Kodie going through this again...maybe I can put him out in the yard while I check it out.

[DWS]

I've been texting with Tom's daughter this morning and like me, she found yesterday (New Year's Eve day) harder to deal with than Christmas Day. It was such an upsetting day for me right from the moment I awoke. I'm trying to understand what that was all about. Perhaps I was unfairly looking at it too symbolically as a time to forge ahead and leave a terrible year in the past....but there's that large part of me that doesn't want to let it go. I got through last night by ignoring that it was New Year's Eve and treated it like any other evening....and that worked. I guess I'll have to do the same as far as it being a new year. It's just something new calendar-wise...not heart-wise. 

[Jemiga70]

21 hours ago, TGold said:

it’s so hard to tell people to back off when your strength and energy are compromised.  Everything is so much more difficult and amplified.

I wanna thank you for bringing this up. I don't know why, but it has been all too easy to overlook that I've been running on fumes for 20 months.

 

7 hours ago, DWS said:

I got through last night by ignoring that it was New Year's Eve and treated it like any other evening....and that worked.

That's exactly what I did last night and it worked. Went alone to an old-timey pub and drank. It wasn't a wallow in my beer kind of drinking nor a celebratory drinking; just wanted to numb myself a little with some high-alc beers, be surrounded by other people and, when I'd had my fill, walk the long way home because walking is therapeutic for me. I sat alone at a cosy table in the corner.  The server brought my 3rd beer and said "Here you are sweetie." Now, NO ONE has ever called me "sweetie," except for my wife, and my wife called me sweetie often!  I nursed that 3rd beer. About 90 minutes later I looked for my server but couldn't find her. I called another server. She was puzzled. She said the original server must've gone off shift. Further, no one could find my bill.  So she says "Happy new year!  It's on the house."  I couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign, a gift, from my wife, especially considering how crappy the last 10 days have been.

[widower2]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I took my tree down yesterday...Kodie cried.  He put his paw on me and looked at me intently in the eyes and put his paw on me again trying to get my attention.  He couldn't believe I'd take it down (I suppose it didn't help that I put it out by the trash can as I have another on it's way, a bit smaller).  It broke my heart that I broke his heart.

aw.......well the good news is that dogs tend to recover much more quickly than we do with emotional issues.   ("Oh no you're taking the tree down! This is horrible!! ".......oh we're going for a walk? Awesome!!")  

 

Quote

Ignored all the partying going on and fireworks, was hoping they wouldn't set the woods on fire, it's illegal here as most places, but thankfully the place still stands this morning.  A day like any other...hoping this year brings something better than last year did...that's my wish for us all.

Amen. 

Quote

I'm sorry, I pretty much got the same response, all friends disappeared in short order!  Still trying to find some all these years later.

I'm sorry too, I wish I could say I have no idea what that's like. It seem to be really shockingly common. What the hell is wrong with people? 

[TGold]

11 hours ago, DWS said:

I've been texting with Tom's daughter this morning and like me, she found yesterday (New Year's Eve day) harder to deal with than Christmas Day. It was such an upsetting day for me right from the moment I awoke. I'm trying to understand what that was all about. Perhaps I was unfairly looking at it too symbolically as a time to forge ahead and leave a terrible year in the past....but there's that large part of me that doesn't want to let it go. I got through last night by ignoring that it was New Year's Eve and treated it like any other evening....and that worked. I guess I'll have to do the same as far as it being a new year. It's just something new calendar-wise...not heart-wise. 

Do you mean not let go of the grief?  I certainly don’t want to - only the suffering part.  Some holidays and milestones have really tripped me up.  Sometimes I’ll be surprised they don’t hit me harder and others  seem impossible to handle.  I hate New Years and all the expectations and resolutions that come with it.  The remembrance part of New Years is hard.  I should have stayed off social media- I’m happy so many had such amazing years but the only way I can describe my feelings is that it’s  like I’m looking outside  la window at this massive celebration and I’m locked indoors.  I too treated it like any other night and it helped, except I added a special beef topper to my dogs’ dinners and gave them special bones.  Seeing them happy lights up my life.

[Renren0906]

Happy new year to all of you, 2022 has been really tough without our loved ones with us. Wishing everyone all the strength and comfort this 2023 and hopefully some happy moments though it mostly feels like our lives have been shattered and it’s mostly existing rather than living (for most of not all of us can relate).

I spent my New Year’s Eve sobbing intensely thinking about the life that we should have had, missing him so much like my heart would break into pieces and thinking that if only he was still here and if he were here what would we be doing now for New Year’s Eve. 2023 was supposed to be a wonderful and life-changing year for us, we were supposed to get married, get our first marital home and start our new lives together. But he was so cruelly robbed from me. Now these dreams and plans won’t come true and I had to forfeit our house. So it’s been particularly difficult walking into this year alone, the first of many more years to come and that’s dreadful just thinking about it. I wrote up a short list of resolutions for myself this year, so I feel like I’m at least working on myself, working on something to give my life meaning. Because it really doesn’t feel like it has meaning anymore. It’s a comfort reading this forum and feeling like you’re not alone in this struggle. 

I totally relate and agree with setting boundaries and not allowing more than we can take. Self-care is so important right now. We’re already fragile and hurting enough and people can be insensitive though well-meaning. Please take care everybody. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

So she says "Happy new year!  It's on the house."  I couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign, a gift, from my wife

I'd take it as such!

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

the good news is that dogs tend to recover much more quickly than we do with emotional issues.

This makes me feel better, thank you!

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

What the hell is wrong with people? 

IDK, callous, insensitive, don't want to think about it so they don't!

6 hours ago, Renren0906 said:

Self-care is so important right now.

Absolutely, and I don't think there's a time come that we can let go of that.  

I don't think we ever let go of our grief, it may evolve, but it's always there.