Grieving my husband

[roilynnkitty]

I lost my husband on the 16th of December after a 2 month battle of glioblastoma. I'm just tired, like I'm in the motions of making it through the day, go to work cause it's so lonely and empty and home, then come just want to stress eat, then go to bed to start it all over again, lost my daughter 5 years ago to suicide,  I know they are together again in peace but somedays I want to go but my grown son needs me he lost just as much as me. One day at a time but just come home and it's so quiet even with the t.v on, he had such a fun sense of humor even towards the end when he knew he was going and there was nothing else to do, I try and continue on for all of them just laying in bed is the worse 

[roilynnkitty]

Thank you, it's true it's so quiet I argue with Alexa or Google just so someone will talk in my house besides the t.vs, even our dog is sad she sirs by the door when I try and leave to go to work or looks in my car when I go home for him. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, roilynnkitty said:

I lost my husband on the 16th of December after a 2 month battle of glioblastoma.

 

I am so sorry for your losses, and to lose a child, that is super hard, wow, a lot on your plate.  Yes your son needs you, just as you need him.  Of course you "want to go be with them" as we do, we want out of what we have to go through here without them, but I try hard to look for good in each day, no matter how hard, and focus on the present, it's hard, esp. at times, I don't think Christmas makes it any easier.  I've lost almost everyone, even my sister 3/28 this year, she'd been here all my life, we were so close, now even she is gone.  Two sisters gone now.  

It helps to come here to read and post, to know this is a group of people that listen and care, not tell you cliches that leave you void and hurting.  We've been there.  I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through now. 

Caregiving after it ends

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[roilynnkitty]

Thank you for the tip reminders I know them focuses in them when I lost my daughter and my husband and I had each other to lean on now I'm in the shock process of grief realizing here I go again but now alone at home trying to make my way out of the darkness into a little bit of light and your right about the pets I have 2 cats and a dog, one cat pixie was my dsughters when she passed she sleeps next to me and the other 2 are daddy's girls and lost too my bed is full with them in it to cuddle now when my thoughts go to what if, could of , or should of phase of my grief at night,  and your right I just want to go home and shut out the world but being home is the worse, one day at a time is correct, thank you so much 

[roilynnkitty]

Thank you for checking up on me was very sweet of you, yes my pets and my son are what is getting me through right now, yesterday was a rough day for me.too, since my husband passed seems like everything else. Is falling apart around me to, my tankless.water heater froze had no idea what to do, neighbor was sweet and came over to help, then my poor sons jeep took a poop, we googled how.to.jump.start it once again usually my husband would walk us though but wouldn't start , battery and alternator gave out so had to tow it and get it replaced,  was very emotional and tiring day, sometimes I just want to stay in bed and just let the world go by, I'm sorry yesterday was a rough day for you, seems like your cat needs you just as much as you need her!

[BohoKat]

On 12/27/2022 at 4:39 AM, roilynnkitty said:

even our dog is sad she sirs by the door when I try and leave to go to work or looks in my car when I go home for him. 

Yes, animals are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for. After my husband passed, our dear little Beagle Oscar would wait by the door after my daughter and I came home, looking around for him. Oscar would also sniff around my husband’s recliner that he would repair to for after dinner TV and finally settle down in his spot next to the empty chair, waiting expectantly. We are in pain, and so are they. So hard we cannot explain to them.

Peace, BohoKat 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, BohoKat said:

Yes, animals are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for. After my husband passed, our dear little Beagle Oscar would wait by the door after my daughter and I came home, looking around for him. Oscar would also sniff around my husband’s recliner that he would repair to for after dinner TV and finally settle down in his spot next to the empty chair, waiting expectantly. We are in pain, and so are they. So hard we cannot explain to them.

Peace, BohoKat 

My dog to this day stays by the front door almost the whole day. When my wife was at home and I went to work, the dog would wait for me to come home by the door at exactly the same time very day. She knows something is not right and waits there patiently day after day hoping that her mom will come home. I can only imagine what goes on in her little head, surely animals are smarter than we think.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LostThomas said:

It was as if she knew I needed her at those moments.

My Kodie is that way also, he senses when I need him most and comes and lays on or next to me, maybe licks my hands (he knows they hurt), it is so nice that dogs and cats can sense us...

 

19 hours ago, roilynnkitty said:

my tankless.water heater froze had no idea what to do, neighbor was sweet and came over to help, then my poor sons jeep took a poop, we googled how.to.jump.start it once again usually my husband would walk us though but wouldn't start , battery and alternator gave out so had to tow it and get it replaced,  was very emotional and tiring day

Wow, it does indeed sound like a very exhausting day!  Did you get your heater thawed?  I had no idea a tankless one could freeze!  Maybe a heating pad on it?  IDK!  On the jump start...I'd look on youtube, I used to remember (positive to positive-red? negative to negative-black?)  I do know the importance of doing it in order and reverse for removal but I'd double check...hard to think in these instances!

I hope today goes better for you, I'm glad you have your son and neighbor...

Boho and Sparky, our pets grief is so hard, they can't give voice to it, but we can learn to read their hurt, my Lucky (dog) had always been trained, obedient, she became destructive after George's death (it took my daughter to point out her pain to me) so I began to make a point of spending more time with her and the destructiveness disappeared.  

Grieving Pet