Three days ago my husband's pain overwhelmed his desire to live.

[Syiavri]

My husband died 3 days ago. He came home from work, I was making dinner, he danced with me, kissed me, and then wrapped our dog's chain around his neck, and jumped off the balcony. I am posting because I know that I need people who will understand, and it's Christmas, and I feel so overwhelmed and don't want to put that feeling on anyone else. My body physically hurts. I can't manage to keep food down, but I did manage to shower today, and do laundry, and I am working on cleaning up the kitchen. People have been incredibly kind, and have helped keep my kids fed. Everyone is in shock, and slowly I am coming out of it, which is why my body hurts so much I think. I am so incredibly angry with his actions. I don't, I can't believe that he wanted this. He had been struggling for a while, and a few days before he left, I found he was cutting himself. I was working on getting him help. We have been together for 21 years, and I find myself texting him. I can't unlock his phone, I don't know his pin. I cannot unlock his computer, and I am sure his gaming buddies are wondering why he's not showing up. This really really sucks. Thanks. 

[Gail 8588]

Syiavri,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  I agree with your description that his pain overwhelmed him. 

Sadly his action put all that pain on you and your children.  I am glad you have some support caring for your children. It is totally understandable that it takes all of your effort  to just survive each day right now. 

Accept the offers of help. Lean on those who want to help you. 

For now it is enough to simply get through each day.  Eat when you can.  Try to stay hydrated. 

I never knew there was so much physical pain in grief until I lost my husband. Some of those around you will not understand how much pain you are in.

We get it here. Our lives have been shattered too.  Our stories are different, but we know the pain.

Come here to vent anytime.  Welcome to our community. 

Gail

 

[KMkm]

I'm sorry for your loss. The actions of others create a lot of pain. The pain he felt might have been overwhelming but in those times peoples minds aren’t thinking straight.  I tell people that i have suicidal thoughts after my wife passed but i have kids that lost one parent.  I hope that you just try to reach out when you need.  Be honest on how you feel and try not to figure out why he did what he did.   Our loved ones aren’t suffering anymore but the pain they felt just gets put on us.  He loved you and that love will stay with you forever.  I hope i haven't said anythjng to offend you.  I hope you come here when you need to vent.  You are going to get though this and this community if people will always be here to listen.  Stay strong.

[Ronni_W]

11 hours ago, Syiavri said:

This really really sucks. Thanks. 

Syiavri,

My pain for your loss. My partner didn't die on account of some "legal" definition of suicide, but I still believe that it was the same thing that he did. (I believe that he knew that he would not survive the "adventure" that he undertook at the time that he undertook it, that he ended up losing his life from.)

So, after I found out that he was dead. I didn't bother about eating or showering. (Your 'physical body' will just kick in, and you'll do it when you need to do it. Don't worry about it; you'll still be okay about eating and personal hygiene. I was; so I'm just thinking you will be, too.)

What I've read about loss, mourning and grieving is that loss by suicide is very different (than loss by cancer, for instance, or by some accident, or by some act of random violence, or by some other type of terminal illness). So, I would offer to...just be really gentle with yourself. And do your utmost best to help and support your children, and ask for external help with this, when you don't feel up to doing it all by yourself.

To be clear, at the end of the day I have nothing to offer you. I just only know the pain of your loss, and how the lack of understanding just makes it all suck worse. It just really, REALLY sucks. And I wish that you (and your children) didn't have to go through it.

It is nonsense, though, Syiavri, that the confusion about life on Earth and pain the that your husband went through because he did not understand all of the levels, elements and aspects of all of it, has now been now all-of-a-sudden and as if by magic, been dumped on you, and/or your children, and/or anyone else he left behind. This is just pure nonsense, and stupid, and not true or accurate. It does not belong to anyone else. Please do not take it on for yourself, or put it on your children. It properly belongs ONLY to your husband and only to him. For my own, also -- it is not mine! They ought to have sought some type of help, or asked for the help that they obviously needed.

From my own experience, I only know your pain and confusion right now. And I am desperately sorry for that. As you say, it really, really sucks.   Ronni

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Syiavri said:

I am so incredibly angry with his actions. I don't, I can't believe that he wanted this

I am so sorry!!  A horrid way to find him, and I don't believe for a minute that he thought it through carefully, more like wanted escape from his pain.  You were trying to get him help, if only he could have waited...I had a coworker/friend who commit suicide years ago, it was so hard for his parents and sister!  Right before his sister's wedding.  She was angry for a long time.  He didn't do it to ruin her wedding, his psych. was going to change his Rx the NEXT DAY, if only he could have hung on, waited another day, but alas that's not what happened.  Of course you feel angry!  And with good reason.  It'll take time to forgive him, but I believe it will happen with much time and perhaps some counseling.  Right now it's hard enough just to get through the day, to do the things you must, shower, laundry, eat something, etc.  You are functioning, you probably wonder how.  

Welcome here, I am glad you found this place, even as hard as everything is for you right now.  Come here, post, vent, scream when you want, we understand.  Sending you (((hugs))) from Oregon.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.