Kelyann

[Kelyann]

Hello, I am new to the group. Grieving I don't think can ever be measured in time however to the non-grievers it can make me feel wrong for still missing my partner of 36 years after only 11 months gone.  Am I the only one?

[Sally72]

Hi Kelyann! The missing doesn’t go away even after much longer than 11 months. It changes as time passes but we will still miss them. Don’t allow anyone, especially some who has not lost someone close, to make you feel guilty or bad in any way for continuing to miss your partner. I am close to 5 years now and still miss him. The sharp heart-rending pain has been replaced by something more like tired sadness that most days, runs in the background of my mind now. A gentle, soft, sweet reminder of what I had and now miss and think of often with love and longing… but yes, the “missing” is still there. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle and understanding with yourself as you take this journey! Also, welcome…and keep on sharing and reading here, we all understand and care no matter what it is you are feeling! Love and ((hugs)) Sally 

[Kelyann]

2 hours ago, Sally72 said:

Hi Kelyann! The missing doesn’t go away even after much longer than 11 months. It changes as time passes but we will still miss them. Don’t allow anyone, especially some who has not lost someone close, to make you feel guilty or bad in any way for continuing to miss your partner. I am close to 5 years now and still miss him. The sharp heart-rending pain has been replaced by something more like tired sadness that most days, runs in the background of my mind now. A gentle, soft, sweet reminder of what I had and now miss and think of often with love and longing… but yes, the “missing” is still there. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle and understanding with yourself as you take this journey! Also, welcome…and keep on sharing and reading here, we all understand and care no matter what it is you are feeling! Love and ((hugs)) Sally 

Thank you Sally72. Its so overwhelming that enjoying anything in life is a choir. I guess its what we pay for true love.

[Kelyann]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

I am new as well.  My loss is 3 weeks now and every day I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.   This is the hardest thing and well beyond pain I could imagine.   I will never be the same again and that is the sentiment of several I have come across already.  I'm not sure what comes next nor sure what some form of healing, or mere survival, will be.  It's just trying to become functional now.  That is my struggle.  But I can tell you that there are people here that will relate to many emotions, and perhaps struggles that you must feel or are enduring.  Please keep coming back here.  It's so new to me and I come here several times a day.  I need to come here and I think others do too.  People need to feel, completely.  It's too much to hold inside and manage.   Others that may be further along in this suffering than I am may have different perspectives.  Just don't go.  My instinct tells me this will be a life raft.

My focus is horrible, my memory fails me constantly and I'm lost completely. Hang in and its a day by day

[Sally72]

@LostThomas How well I know the feeling of despair… please know that you are not alone! We all care. Like I have commented to others on here, how I wish we all on here had a way to get together in person once in a while! … There is probably not any emotion you can or will experience that someone on here hasn’t felt too. I think I speak for most everyone, we all understand and all care so much. If you are like me, I’m sure your emotions will run the full gamut… be kind and understanding to yourself as you take this journey! 🤍 Sally 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Kelyann said:

Hello, I am new to the group. Grieving I don't think can ever be measured in time however to the non-grievers it can make me feel wrong for still missing my partner of 36 years after only 11 months gone.  Am I the only one?

Welcome.  No, you are absolutely not the only one.  People who haven't been through loss and grief as deep as this have no idea what it's like.  There are many reasons.  Grief is uncomfortable and reminds others of their own mortality.  There's an element of "This could and someday likely will happen to you" that many people prefer to ignore; if they have to acknowledge our grief, they have to acknowledge a scary and painful truth.  While friends and family and others feel the loss and grieve, it's different for us.  They lost someone they care for and/or love, we lost half of our lives.  We lost the person we love most in the world.  And with that, we lost our futures and plans.  We lost the one person who knew us better than all others and who shared our lives and our memories.  We lost the person who we could always count on for comfort, love, support, and companionship.  We lost that "everything," while others lost "something."

After a time, maybe weeks and maybe months, others go back to their own, complete lives.  We don't have that option.  Instead, we are left floundering on our own and often feeling detached from the world because the life we knew is gone. But grief doesn't stay the same.  Over months and years, it evolves as we take steps forward into a different life.  We do not "get over" the loss and we do not "move on" from our grief.  It is with us always, but time allows us to mingle in the grief with all the love so that it is part of us and our lives, rather than the unbearable weight it is at first.

There are many ways to deal with non-grievers who try to shove you along or tell you to get over it.  Ignoring them is always an option.  Telling them flat out that time does not heal all wounds and that you will miss your partner every day for the rest of your life.  You can even get angry enough to tell them to shut up/MYOB/go to hell or whatever makes them leave you alone when they refuse to accept that you will miss your partner always.  Society in general sucks at handling death and grief, so we grow up not realizing some very basic truths.

You've found a really good place to be with members who understand, who have been there and who are where you are now.   We know.  And you are not alone.

Here are two TED Talks by Nora McInerny, who lost her first husband to cancer in their early 30s.  You may find them helpful, but I warn you of two things:  One, you will probably cry more than once as you recognize your own grieving and two, she is a number of years past her loss and uses sardonic, humanistic humor as part of her speaking style.  Personally, I like that because grief truly is every emotion under the sun and emotions I never even knew existed until I lost my wonderful husband.  She addresses the subject of people expecting us to "move on" and "be fine" in both.

TED Talk one

TED Talk two

 

[TGold]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

I am new as well.  My loss is 3 weeks now and every day I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.   This is the hardest thing and well beyond pain I could imagine.   I will never be the same again and that is the sentiment of several I have come across already.  I'm not sure what comes next nor sure what some form of healing, or mere survival, will be.  It's just trying to become functional now.  That is my struggle.  But I can tell you that there are people here that will relate to many emotions, and perhaps struggles that you must feel or are enduring.  Please keep coming back here.  It's so new to me and I come here several times a day.  I need to come here and I think others do too.  People need to feel, completely.  It's too much to hold inside and manage.   Others that may be further along in this suffering than I am may have different perspectives.  Just don't go.  My instinct tells me this will be a life raft.

@LostThomas I’m just learning a reality that perhaps many on this forum have experienced.  I don’t believe we just revert to who we once were without our spouse.  We will create a new identity and life without them in the physical sense, but they will be by our sides forever. I’m struggling to find out who I am now.  Losing your loved one vs not having one or going through s breakup is so different.  I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’m starting to get comfortable with boundaries and find out what brings me peace now.  What worked in the past doesn’t work anymore and that’s okay.  This is so hard and I’m happy you’re getting your feelings and fears out on the table.  People here are so supportive and have such great insights and perspectives.  Every time I read a post, I learn something valuable.

 

. @kellyanne, many wonderful people are simply uncomfortable either with your loss or feel helpless, so they try and create this fictitious structure around it. Gravitate towards the ones who are able to meet you where you are.  Some friends I adore simply can’t help me.  There is no timeline or expectation anyone can expect you to fulfill.  This is your life, not theirs.  No shame or apologies for your actions are needed. It’s your journey, not theirs.  Wishing you lots of strength..

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Kelyann said:

it can make me feel wrong for still missing my partner of 36 years after only 11 months gone.  Am I the only one?

Oh no, Hon, you are not wrong, we all do, it's been 17 1/2 years for me, I will ALWAYS miss him!  And of the widowers I know, they ALL miss their partner!

Welcome here!  We're all not only missing our partner, our lives are forever changed by what took place.  It is indeed not easy to go through this.  Please continue to come here to read post, we are a family of sorts from all over the world, we care about each other and all help each other.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[Jemiga70]

On 12/24/2022 at 11:58 AM, Kelyann said:

Am I the only one?

Hello @Kelyann  and welcome, though I shudder to use that word; no one in their right mind would want to join this club.  No, youre not the only one.  I'm nearly 20 months in. I watched my wife pass suddenly.  I'm still hurting but it's not the "useless and floundering in shock" feeling that it was in the beginning. It's morphed into a waking bad dream and a dreaded emptiness that won't go away.  Basically I'm enduring life, not living it.  Like you I struggle w focus and memory.  Grief fog is real; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  YOU know how YOU feel. That is enough validation.  And yes - there is something seriously messed up with this society trying to hurry up grievers (because, I presume, it's inconvenient to everyone else / the system).  May you find some comfort today,

Edited December 26, 2022 by Jemiga70
clarification

[Jemiga70]

On 12/24/2022 at 7:20 PM, TGold said:

I don’t believe we just revert to who we once were without our spouse.  We will create a new identity and life without them in the physical sense, but they will be by our sides forever.

@TGold  This really spoke to me.  I have been thinking I could just go back to who I once was, maybe the guy from 20 yrs ago............. nope ... not gonna work.  Can't go back to that guy.  My wife had such an impact on who I've become and what I've experienced.    And I can't be the guy I was with her, because she ain't here and there's no more "us" in the physical sense.  So who the hell am I NOW??  And where do I start??

[TGold]

@Jemiga70 exactly and I’m not sure if it’s something you start or it just starts to happen..I believe you just begin learning how to live without your partner. The first year, especially the beginning, I had to juggle 15 plates at once and I was laser focused because I had to be. High on adrenaline.  There was no planning time for me, one morning we are cracking jokes and then the next he’s gone.  My world is getting quieter and I’m uncomfortable.

Maybe those who have lost their loved ones earlier than us could provide more insight because I’ve asked myself the same question.  As well as… Is it something I can control?  Will I have the willpower to create a new destiny or do I fall into it?  Will I be okay?  Does the pain last forever and the suffering part weakens?  Or is that just what happens with some people?  We shouldn’t have to ask these questions.  We got robbed.

[KayC]

Everyone's discovery is different, on their own timeline in their own way...for myself it took years to find purpose, to make my way through the grief fog, and I wasn't ever the same again, focus not the same, retention either.  Somehow made my way through working and into retirement if you can call it that when you can't get a job because of age discrimination and you're just kind of fazed out...

You grow more used to the quiet, I like solitude but this forced quiet seems a bit much, esp. when your kids aren't part of your life anymore except designated days a couple of times a year.  (I think April can relate if she's reading this.)  It's a far cry from the life we used to live, I was part of someone and he of me...now it's changed to missing him, and oh I do, every day of my life!  

Everything seems to happen little by little.

 

[Jemiga70]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

and I wasn't ever the same again, focus not the same, retention either.  Somehow made my way through working and into retirement if you can call it that when you can't get a job because of age discrimination and you're just kind of fazed out...

Not what I wanted to hear but I appreciate your honesty and the fact that we progress through this in our own way and time.  I'm going to continue working online / remotely and hope I avoid age discrimination that way.  There is zero purpose to me retiring now that my wife is gone from this nuthouse. Rather drop dead on the job...

[KayC]

I'm glad you have that option, we didn't when I went through this although I did work from home when I was sick or snowbound.

[TGold]

@Jemiga70 exactly and I’m not sure if it’s something you start or it just starts to happen..I believe you just begin learning how to live without your partner. The first year, especially the beginning, I had to juggle 15 plates at once and I was laser focused because I had to be. High on adrenaline.  There was no planning time for me, one morning we are cracking jokes and then the next he’s gone.  My world is getting quieter and I’m uncomfortable.

Maybe those who have lost their loved ones earlier than us could provide more insight because I’ve asked myself the same question.  As well as… Is it something I can control?  Will I have the willpower to create a new destiny or do I fall into it?  Will I be okay?  Does the pain last forever and the suffering part weakens?  Or is that just what happens with some people?  We shouldn’t have to ask these questions.  We got robbed.

[TGold]

As I reflect on my loss, I’ve learned so much about what helps and what really doesn’t help me.  It’s all so individual but I hope in the past I never resorted to cliches or totally inappropriate foresights.  I’d rather someone just tell me they’re stumbling over how to support me because they’ve never gone through this kind of loss than attempt some “words of wisdom”.  I believe it’s important to find a mentor or a tribe and if people are pushing or judging you, in your own way tell them to back off.  

[foreverhis]

On 12/26/2022 at 10:18 PM, Jemiga70 said:

Not what I wanted to hear but I appreciate your honesty

That's one of the best things about being part of this forum, IMO.  The members aren't cruel, but they are honest.  I've learned not to sugarcoat my answers or my questions (or my "ranting" from time to time) because every single person here gets it and understands in ways that others do not, cannot, and sometimes will not.

I already had some cognitive dysfunction from auto-immune conditions, so grief simply added to that burden.  My brain fog still sometimes descends more than usual, but things are better overall now.  I can't say if my brain will ever by the same, but it's sure not the mass of confusion and fogginess it was 4 years or even 2 years ago.

[Kelyann]

On 12/25/2022 at 10:43 PM, Jemiga70 said:

@TGold  This really spoke to me.  I have been thinking I could just go back to who I once was, maybe the guy from 20 yrs ago............. nope ... not gonna work.  Can't go back to that guy.  My wife had such an impact on who I've become and what I've experienced.    And I can't be the guy I was with her, because she ain't here and there's no more "us" in the physical sense.  So who the hell am I NOW??  And where do I start??

I know where your coming from after 37 years of togetherness that will no longer be and taken so quickly. Somehow we have to grow and find peace. Take care

[Kelyann]

On 12/24/2022 at 7:57 PM, Sally72 said:

@LostThomas How well I know the feeling of despair… please know that you are not alone! We all care. Like I have commented to others on here, how I wish we all on here had a way to get together in person once in a while! … There is probably not any emotion you can or will experience that someone on here hasn’t felt too. I think I speak for most everyone, we all understand and all care so much. If you are like me, I’m sure your emotions will run the full gamut… be kind and understanding to yourself as you take this journey! 🤍 Sally 

Thank you Sally, no pieces of my life fit together anymore and being lost can be a terrible feeling. Years of comfort, safety, and love constantly by my side was taken so fast that nowhere, nobody, and nothing can be comforting just yet. Thanks and take care

[TGold]

@LostThomas, nothing anyone can say will bring her back - there really are no words..  I can relate to the loss of security, identity, the pure sadness and disbelief.  I don’t know who I am, and I always needed to feel like I was in control and gravitated to leading a structured life. Nothing about it structured now and I’m exhausted.  Losing my everything, my world, my protector, my best friend and the love of my life has left a giant hole in my heart.  I was in such shock at the time of the accident that I hadn’t realized until later that my life had changed forever.