Christmas

[William M]

Hello to all my friends here. Try to have the best Christmas that is possible for you. We'll get through it somehow has we always do. I told my Son to just spend Christmas with his wife's family instead of making the long trip to me, since he was very good about making several trips this year to stay with me and help with projects,  So it's just me and my 2 little canine girls.  The Arctic blast has hit us in Florida as of last night, so we'll bed down here locked in for a couple days with good food and good movies. I won't be making all the holiday food we used to make every year, since it's just me, but will treat myself to a small homemade Southern baked Mac and cheese ( the best part of Christmas), some ham I froze after last Thanksgiving and some crescent rolls. My wife always insisted on orange juice, eggs, and lots of bacon on Christmas morning, I was sure to gather these Items this week, and will have (Her) Breakfast in her honor tomorrow. For Christmas day, tradition will be thrown out as I'll have Homemade Lasagna and garlic rolls!

I'll leave just once later today, when it warms up a bit more, to visit the cemetery and check on my angel's decorations, making sure everything is still in order, and to tell how much I miss her! I sure wish she was here with me and her girls.:-(  We miss her dearly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all are good to yourselves, and will try to get through..

Love and good wishes

William

 

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, William M said:

will treat myself to a small homemade Southern baked Mac and cheese ( the best part of Christmas), some ham I froze after last Thanksgiving and some crescent rolls.

Sounds wonderful!

 

21 hours ago, William M said:

will have (Her) Breakfast in her honor tomorrow. For Christmas day, tradition will be thrown out as I'll have Homemade Lasagna and garlic rolls!

Sounds good!  I can't have the rolls or noodles but have Keto versions of both, just not today.  I really pray everyone here senses their partner's spirit with them today.

21 hours ago, LostThomas said:

We had special plans today with our football teams playing each other.

It sounds like no matter who wins it will be good...I hope it's something you can continue to enjoy, invite her to sit with you and watch the game as you always have, I know, not the same, but with their spirits with us, we can get through this.

Sending you all wishes for a good Christmas and lots of love from Oregon!

[TheChosenOne]

This is the second Christmas without my love and it is so much harder than last year. I feel so much more alone as everyone is spending time with their own families and I don’t want to impose and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’m lost and I just don’t know how to move forward in life. 😞

[Carol34]

3 hours ago, TheChosenOne said:

This is the second Christmas without my love and it is so much harder than last year. I feel so much more alone as everyone is spending time with their own families and I don’t want to impose and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’m lost and I just don’t know how to move forward in life. 😞

I just sat down to type almost the exact same thing.  This is the second Christmas without Paul, and I'm not handling it very well.  I woke up this morning and started crying immediately.  I haven't done that for months!  I tried watching television (because I can't stand when the house is quiet), but everything is Christmas movies.  I can't watch them.  I can't hear Christmas music.  It scrapes my soul raw!

Today, everyone is celebrating with family and friends.  I got two phone calls...one from my sister who lives in Canada, and one from my daughter in Washington state.  And I've gotten a few text messages from people who don't come around any more.  My son and his wife and my youngest granddaughter will be here later...after they've had Christmas dinner at my son's in-laws.  They'll bring pie, and we'll spend a couple of hours together.  And it will be great!  I'm really looking forward to it.

But the rest of the day is so lonely!  And I can't do anything about it!  I just want to go back to bed!

[Carol34]

Let me follow up my last post. 

I know that there are people who are having a rougher time than I am.  I know that we're all hurting.  I just needed to vent the feelings so that maybe I can stop crying before my son and his family arrive in a few hours.

Our state was hit hard with the arctic blast/ice storm this week.  I haven't been out of the house since Wednesday, and I live alone.  This can make my anxiety and emotions become magnified.  Yesterday...Christmas Eve...my water heater broke.  So I had to boil water to wash up my hair, myself, and my dishes this morning.  And that made me cry harder. 

The holidays make the loneliness even harder to deal with.  By the way, we are still having a family Christmas gathering, but we can't do it until Dec 30th when my grandson can be here.  I'll be in a much better mood then.

 

[Gail 8588]

This is my 6th Christmas without John.  I'm doing okay. 

Dealing with the hard freeze issues, insulating outdoor pipes, buying ridiculous split oak for the fireplace I have never used, and other preparations were hard on me emotionally.  I always relied on him to not only know what to do, but to actually do it.  I have no idea if I should have put antifreeze in some parts of my car?  I didn't, but I worry that I should have. (I only have driveway parking. No garage.)  I guess I will find out if something burst. 

Christmas is pretty simple with my 2 boys. They are very easy going.  We are going to have our Christmas dinner together on Monday. 

I went over to my son's house here in town early this morning to join in the excitment of discovering that Santa came.  I was the only one not in pajamas.  My daughter in law fixed a delicious breakfast. 

I was home before noon and have had a quiet but content day. 

Tomorrow I'll have have everyone (5 adults, 2 kids) here for a Christmas dinner. 

It is hard not to compare to the joyfilled Christmases of years past but those are gone.  We find our way day by day. 

Warm thoughts to all of you. 

Gail

 

 

[April Ballou]

This makes the third Christmas without my sweet husband.   It keeps getting more lonely.  Nobody here .  I know that having grown children with spouses and families of their own is part of life,  I'm not important to them.  I find myself missing Darrell.   He was the best part of me.  And 38 years is long to some but how I wished it was longer.  But I know he's not hurting anymore.   I just wished that I had died instead.   

[MichaelR]

 

 

 

The days since I lost my love and soulmate a little over two months ago have all been hard.  I know the Christmas season can be so difficult for so many.  Somehow though, I thought I might be able to struggle through this Christmas Day much as I have with the other days, by just continuing to put one foot in front of other, and by trying not become overwhelmed by the grief and emptiness I feel.   I admit now that I find this day even harder. 

I don't know whether it's the messages we often get that this time is supposed to full of merriment and warm family contact, or that it's just me, feeling alone, isolated and scared, but this day is especially hard.   

It is not as though the two us did extraordinary things at Christmas over the years.  It was almost always just the two us on this day, together, and enjoying our usual routines and special observances.   It was a quiet day, but a warm and special day for us because we were with each other. 

Today I'm alone and missing her so much, and just having to struggle to survive this day.   And I'm wanting to just find some ways of expressing to her, my deep love today, and always.  Somehow I will find a way to do this.

My thoughts are with everyone who is struggling today,  and my best hopes and wishes for you today and in the days ahead. 

 

[Sally72]

This is my fourth Christmas without Jeff. I couldn’t handle just sitting around the house so I went for a drive. I sat in my car in town and watched others drive by while I ate pistachios out of a bag that happened to be in the back seat. My girls do care so I’m blessed that way. However I would never let on to them how lonely I am! They need to live their lives and I would not have that change for anything. My oldest got married this past summer and her and her husband spent this Christmas weekend with his family. My other daughter is visiting in California for 2 weeks with her boyfriend and his family. I cried some of the day and sang songs about my Jesus for part of the day and drove around for several hours of this forever long day! I wish so much that I even had someone to talk to on the phone to pass some of the time. At times I feel guilty when I am so very blessed (nice and warm house, girls who care a lot, plenty of food and clothes, and so much more!) that it’s not easier to be thankful. Loneliness is just hard and so painful. I am so blessed to know that Jeff is with Jesus and I can see him again someday, however in the meantime I am still here… and so very lonely! Thank you all for “listening” I just hurt so much that I wanted to “talk” about it a bit. It helps me to “process”. 
Love, hugs & prayers for everyone here, Sally 

[Gail 8588]

Sally72, 

I'm glad you came here to share your thoughts.  I know what you mean when you say you don't want to let your girls know how lonely you are. I feel the same way about my boys.  They are grieving losing their father and are trying their best to move forward with their lives while being supportive of me. I know they love and care for me.  They would feel terrible to know how incredibly depressed I was for 4 years. I believe that there was really nothing they could do to take away my pain. 

I am so proud of where they are in their lives. They are building a future with their sweethearts. I am glad  I didn't burden them with my dispair. 

You made it through today!  Tomorrow will not be so hard, stores will be open.  It will feel more like a regular day of missing him.

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

I compromised, put up a tree and minimal decorations, didn't display my nativity or music boxes, do tablecloth, etc.  Christmas tree's middle strand went out (built into tree), looks stupid now.  Ordered a tree two day shipping with Amazon, never did come, never reached the post office, stuck with whoever their carrier is!  Requested refund, still waiting. ha!  Canceled, still need to order a tree again.

Went to the church, ordered to help in kitchen...was in there three hours, bandages got wet so took them off, someone finally relieved me from dishes but still did a ton of clean up, putting food away, cleaning out bowls, I can't lift some of them to scrape them, I don't have the strength, people don't get that, I guess they think I'm jawing my mouth, let me just say they wouldn't want to be me...

Took Kodie to his play date, gave Iris a present, that was it for Christmas, no phone calls.  Texted kids, didn't hear back.  
I know Christmas is a huge let down after having ones with your spouses and now having to adjust to "life without" I know it's hard.  Thinking of all of you and hoping today will be a little better for you, you made it through Christmas.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, TheChosenOne said:

This is the second Christmas without my love and it is so much harder than last year. I feel so much more alone as everyone is spending time with their own families and I don’t want to impose and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’m lost and I just don’t know how to move forward in life. 😞

I am so sorry, this shows you've only made this one post...when did you lose your spouse?  That first year and even beyond can be really tough...you have found a good place here, people that understand, all going through this, it's a good place to come to to vent, cry, scream, know you're heard and cared about...it also helps the processing.

Sending you caring thoughts from Oregon...
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

My favorite Christmas by far was when George and I had asked my son to build a computer for my daughter...he had it out, always had towers sitting in the living room, he'd do his work while watching tv (he had a computer business, built, restored after viruses, etc)...but he had picked her favorite color, purple (a dead give away!)...in she walked!  Just as her eyes started to light on this wonder, the Christmas tree started to fall!  While George, Paul, and Melissa ran to catch it (George and Paul tied it to the wall with fishing line), I whisked the computer into the hall closet real quick!  Whew!  Saved by the falling tree!

When it came time to open presents, George and I were this happy old couple, smiling on the couch, holding hands, one of my fondest memories!  My son went to the closet to show Melissa her present and I remember him pointing out something about it and said, "It's even better than mom's."  Melissa cried out, "IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN MOM'S!!!"..."What is it?!"  I can't for the life of me remember what he replied.     It didn't matter, she was so happy with this, George and I donating the $ for it, Paul the time/work into it.  It was just a really good Christmas, home with the kids...and most of all, each other.