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Broken


Michelle_84

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I lost my best friend and partner on the 23/08/11. He died 11 days before his 25 birthday and with his best friend. We had been friends for 12 years and together for about 9 years. We broke up in January for a lot of reasons but mostly i felt we were heading in different directions. It was hard on me when we broke up because i was the one that wanted it. He didn't agree. He would always tell me everything will be okay just don't give up. Everything will work out. The only way i found to cope was to pour myself into my studies. Which i am grateful i now have. We always talked. Even though it was hard we still were always friends. In the 8 months we would always talk about getting back together and we went out a few times but my studies had me traveling away. There was always a reason why we couldn't meet up. He would always be talking about our future, marriage and kids. He told me everyday he loved me. Always and forever. About a month before his death i went away for my studies for 4 weeks about 1600km from our home town. This freak him out. He was worried i wouldn't come back or id find someone else. I had a lot of fun while i was away and i found i could be happy away from home. It was an eye opening experience for me as a person. I was home from that trip about a week. I was house sitting for my cousin at the time. The night it happened, I couldn't settle nothing on tv could keep my attention and i didn't feel like even looking at the facebook. i remember looking at my phone about 9:30pm and thinking i should ring him but i didnt. i just went to bed. In the morning i didnt want to get up i push snooze on my alarm about 3 times when finally i got up. i just had a shower about to eat breakfast when i heard a knock at the front door. I opened it to find my mum and sister. i let them in when my mum looked at me and said i have some bad news. I immediatly started thinking it was my dad but the words that came next i never expected hear. She said im sorry but grant's dead. she went to hug me. i pushed her away and i screamed no. He cant be. she said he is. he died last night in a car accident. i couldnt believe it. It took about 3 hours for me to settle enough to talk about it. another a hour to work up the courage to go and see his mum. It was hard to go to his mum's cause the first thing i saw was his clothes on the clothes line. Clothes i bought him. I remember walking up his mum stairs when i came face to face with his aunt. we looked at each other and started crying. Same for his mum and younger brother. I sat at his mum house and just mainly cried. I couldn't talk it was to hard. His brother gave me a jumper that smelled like him. That sent me over the edge. It was hard to see his friends. I would start crying at just the sight of them and when they hugged me i fell to pieces. It was about 2 days after his death i found out he had a girlfriend. That was hell to hear and to even see her. She walked around like she owned the place. They had only been together for about 2 months maybe 3 and she wasn't even the only girl. She was trying to be a major part of his funeral arrangements. I remember being with his cousin that whole day and then turning up at his mum's house to discuss the arrangements. It was the first time i saw her. I could tell she knew who i was straight away. I went with his brother, cousin and mum to another room. She was excluded. We sat and talked about what he wanted which was hard cause he never talked about anything with anyone except me. One of his good friends joined us. He kept turning to me and saying ask her she'd know. That was good to hear. So much happened after that night. Lots of family fights. I just kept thinking if he was watching he would be so angry at them. I was allowed to be apart of alot when it came to him. I went to the personal viewing with only his family. They let me have some time alone with him. At the funeral i didn't know what to expect cause of everything that was going on but his family ask me to sit with them. They also did a video and included me and my family in it. Which i loved. I was grateful for the acknowledgment that i got. It was a lot more that most of his family and friends got. So not only did have to deal with his death but 2 funerals, family fights and a girlfriend. Everything that happened it makes me doubt our relationship. I know it something i shouldn't do but its hard when he's not here to tell me the truth. I have had a lot of people tell me stuff tell me how it would have been if given more time but i want him to tell me. I miss him. I miss hearing his voice. It's a lot to deal with. and a lot more to come.

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I am sorry for your loss. By what you say it sounds like his family knew how much you had meant to him. To involve you as much as they did is very thoughtful of them and in turn i can imagine it would make you feel appreciated. I can understand that you want answers from him or that you continuosly think about the what ifs?? but you are not going to get them. I know how that feels. To just want the truth. To me it sounds like he loved you yes but as you weren't together and hadn't been for months he probably thought you weren't going to get back together and so was just trying to move on with his new girlfriend. I would give her a little recognition though. She could have foreseen a future with him and it will be tough on her too. It will be tough on everyone that knew him and out of respect for him it would be nice for everyone to work together, support each other and get through it xx

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Thank you for your reply and i know i will never get the answers i am looking for but i can't seem to stop myself from asking. I feel for the girlfriend and i too think she deserved to be recognized. I don't know much about their relationship but i do know if he wanted a future with her or if she meant anything to him, he would have stop the contact with me. He would have not told me everyday he loved me. He would have changed. I don't know what would have happened if given more time but I know i loved him and i always will. Thank you.

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