Unexpected loss of sister.

[Ash87]

Lost my younger sister in a really bad car accident on September 10th. I wasn’t great but getting better. But my dad isn’t okay. He’s extremely depressed and isn’t there for mom and I at all. We are having to constantly worry about his well being. On top of trying to grieve. Last week my mom had a heart attack it came on suddenly and unexpectedly. She’s okay now but I think it triggered something in me. And now I’m not okay again. And my husband is just over it. I think he thinks I should be fine. So now I feel completely alone. And stupid for still being so devastated I feel like my husband just expects me to snap out of it and be fine. Maybe he doesn’t be we have four kids and I’ve been trying to act like everything is fine and be strong for them. But I’m dying inside. She was my best friend, my only sibling, and five years younger I helped raise her. When she first died I had my husbands living caring support, he was amazing. Now I have to worry about my dad, my mom not getting to stressed, and keeping my grief to myself for the sake of my family. I don’t know what the point of writing this was and it may just sound like a bunch of gibberish but I’m struggling. And just needed to type all my thoughts out. 

[Rose Rowland]

Unfortunately, those of us who have lost siblings do start wearing down our spouses.  It's hard to keep up the support when the supporter doesn't see an end date.  That's probably why there are support groups and boards like this so that those of us who are in the thick of it can unload on others without abusing our kids or significant others.  Of course, you're not over it.  You had your sister for years and it's only been a few months.  I've lost my mom, my dad and my brother at this point so, unfortunately, I am a FREAKING expert. All I can tell you is that it comes in waves.  You're fine for a while, then it hits you all over again, and then you're fine again for a while and, after a long while, the fine periods get longer, and the bad periods get shorter.  My brother died on December 5th, and I still haven't been able to cry.  I'm afraid if I start, I'll just start screaming and I won't be able to stop.  So, I guess my best advice is

You cannot do the grieving for your dad and your mom.  Losing a kid is a whole other level of shock.  But their grief is not your responsibility.  As a Jew, I'm lucky because I am required to say a prayer to remember my brother every day.  It gives me a chance to remember quietly.  Perhaps you and/or your parents could take 15 minutes a day to say a prayer for your sister or write down a happy memory about her so that you feel as if you are doing something for her even if she is gone.