Anniversary today, feeling gutted, venting

[Jemiga70]

Today is our wedding anniversary.  We spent most of our life together living overseas. We got to travel to many different places. I was and will forever be grateful. Now I'm back in North America and generally I hate it, so expensive and hopelessly dull, and the weather sucks too. I'm longing to go back overseas because it resonates more with me. And with those thoughts come memories of our time together and what's been lost forever. I'm feeling it in the heart and guts today, like my insides have been shoveled out and I'm just a hollow shell. I thought I'd do better this year (last yr was bad enough) but no, this year is also terrible, this is the 2nd anniversary I'm alone. I miss the physical you so much and that doesnt even describe it because there are no words to convey my emptiness. This life truly sucks now. I will toast you later, as empty as I am.

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm longing to go back overseas because it resonates more with me. And with those thoughts come memories of our time together and what's been lost forever. I'm feeling it in the heart and guts today, like my insides have been shoveled out and I'm just a hollow shell.

This sounds so dark and stressful for you. Do you picture yourself eventually going back overseas? Is that in your plans when you feel you're ready? I imagine it would involve what stresses so many of us here...revisiting familiar places and scenery...the familiar background that now is missing the one important element that made it as sweet and wonderful as it was.

[TGold]

I can only imagine how being in a country you don’t want to live in coupled with losing your person who made you feel fulfilled and loved would feel exactly how you described it. Having just experienced my first wedding anniversary in Oct alone, I’m bracing myself for next year.  I hope you can find some ways to give you peace this holiday season.  I’m sorry and wish I had the words to make this easier for you ♥️

[Ronni_W]

6 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

[...] I will toast you later, as empty as I am.

Hugs, Jemiga70.  My mom used to say that she sometimes "felt stuck between a rock and a hard place". Your post reminded me of her saying that.

Every single option that we can see for our self or our future or our future self, sucks. And we can't even tell which one will suck "better" or will suck worse, until we actually put ourself in that situation, so that we can feel/experience all of the (sucky) options, and see how each one feels and makes us feel.  I don't know if you have the possibility to "try out" how going back overseas will feel for you, or what it will do to you/your psyche. That is, if you can do it on only a temporary basis, and then decide after 3 or 6 or 12 months.

I was at the LCBO today, and finally decided that *maybe*, maybe I'll feel ready to toast him on the anniversary of his birthday, next week. So I bought the smallest bottle I could find, of his favourite alcoholic beverage. Like you, I will toast him later (next week at the earliest, and not on any of the anniversaries that have already passed me by these past two years). But. I also don't want to do it if I'm going to still feel empty while I'm doing it. Hopefully he'll understand...even though I also don't have the words to convey. (Something like: I want to feel FULL of my love for him; FULL of my love and gratitude; FULL of all of the good things that he was and that we had. But. Not yet feeling "full"; still feeling empty. So, I bought the liquid with which to toast, bu I'm going to see how I feel on the day. If it has to 'age' another week or month or year...then it's just gonna hafta do that. I'm not going to try to bully or force myself into anything. Something like that, for me.)

Again, virtual hugs. And wishing/praying you Strength, Comfort and all else that will help make things a little easier for you.   Ronni

[TGold]

@Ronni_W very well said.  My husband was all about celebrations.  Half birthdays, birth months, you name it.  He’d want me to be living my life to the fullest but I can’t yet.  We are where we are and when it feels right you will make that toast.  The fact that you even just prepared with his favorite beverage is so sweet and shows how much you loved him.  I thought about ordering food from our favorite restaurant that night and I just couldn’t.

I hope you both take care of yourselves.  Don’t give into pressure, either self inflicted or from others.  I’ve already had someone say to me that eventually I have to move on. It’s been a year and 4 days.  Move on from what I kept thinking.  It was wildly inappropriate and not about me, it was his discomfort.  
 

Sending you and @DWS lots of virtual hugs.

[Jemiga70]

4 hours ago, DWS said:

the familiar background that now is missing the one important element that made it as sweet and wonderful as it was.

Thank you @DWS. You bring up a good point.  Much of -- but not all of -- the joy of living overseas together was because we SHARED so many rewarding experiences together. It was in the sharing that gave so much of the meaning; I'm not going to say "all of the meaning" because that's not accurate. Yes, I'm planning to live overseas again some day... and there's the predicament, because as you said, so many memories and potential stresses and tears with all the familiar places and scenery, and she isn't with me.

[Jemiga70]

3 hours ago, TGold said:

Having just experienced my first wedding anniversary in Oct alone, I’m bracing myself for next year.

@TGold I'm sorry you've had to endure that. In my own way I can relate. Thank you for writing.

 

1 hour ago, TGold said:

I’ve already had someone say to me that eventually I have to move on. It’s been a year and 4 days.  Move on from what I kept thinking.

I'm sorry you had to hear that.  I don't like the words "move on."  To me it implies a forgetting, which for me is just not possible. You wrote that your husband would want you to be living your life to the fullest but you can't yet.  This is EXACTLY how I feel.  I want to, I assume my wife wants me to, but my wanting is impeded by my inability, at least for now.  The fear lies in wondering if this is how I'll PERMANENTLY feel.  That is truly a bleak prospect.  I just want to go to one of those rage rooms and destroy a bunch of old computers to get my anger out. Thanks and take care,

[Jemiga70]

2 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

And we can't even tell which one will suck "better" or will suck worse, until we actually put ourself in that situation,

I couldnt have said it better,  @Ronni_W .  Thank you for writing.  Yes I do have the option of going back overseas and trying it on to see how it feels.  I would do a test run of 3-6 months before moving permanently.  But for now, I'm not even in the headspace to consider even a test run.  I'm thinking perhaps 1 yr from now, give it a go, if I'm not too scrambled (and God only knows).  Honestly I have no idea if it would bring relief or meltdown ... maybe it'd bring relief AND meltdown?  Maybe it'd be comforting and excruciatingly painful at the same time?  As DWS said, that one important element (my beautiful wife) is missing from the equation.

3 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Not yet feeling "full"; still feeling empty.

Me too... and I'm tired of it, so tired of it. It's been almost 1 year and 8 months. So tired.  What you said about not forcing / bullying yourself into anything, I think that's a wise move. I want to keep working on that. I want to get good at that. This coming Friday I had planned to go out for dinner (alone) in honor of our anniversary. But I'll see. I'm not gonna force myself.  Wishing you strength for whatever you decide to do next week,

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Now I'm back in North America and generally I hate it, so expensive and hopelessly dull, and the weather sucks too.

Haha, throw in the politics and inflation and you've covered it!  Actually, I live in the most beautiful spot in the US and love it here in the mountains, gorgeous view and wildlife, but there is the weather and that can be a lot to contend with!  At least when there's no wildfires the air is clear and wonderful, great neighbors, although the nearest town has druggies and crime....ugh.

I hope you enjoy going "home" wherever that is (Europe?) and am glad yesterday was survived...the anv. can be a really tough time for us.  Sending you hugs!

[Jemiga70]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Actually, I live in the most beautiful spot in the US and love it here in the mountains, gorgeous view and wildlife

@KayC  Thank you.  Those aniv days have been brutal but I made it.  I'm enduring life, not living it.

I don't dispute what you said about your home.  I have a friend on the Pacific coast of Canada and it is beautiful. Clean air, clean water, wildlife, milder winters.  We all have to find what resonates for us.  For me the idea of an Asian megacity is still exciting and perhaps I still need that... I'm trying to figure out what works best for me now and it ain't easy.  I don't resonate with the lifestyle here; on the other hand, my life abroad is touched by so many wonderful things my wife and I shared, and it could be overwhelming to live it alone.  I just don't know.

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you enjoy going "home" wherever that is

Thanks. We never really had a home. We were nomads and loved it.  Home was many different places over many years. I know that kind of lifestyle isnt for everyone, but for us it worked.  Take care. I wish you a speedy recovery and good health,

[Ronni_W]

On 12/22/2022 at 2:53 AM, Jemiga70 said:

I couldnt have said it better,  @Ronni_W .  Thank you for writing.  [...].  Wishing you strength for whatever you decide to do next week,

 

On 12/22/2022 at 12:48 AM, TGold said:

@Ronni_W [...]  The fact that you even just prepared with his favorite beverage is so sweet and shows how much you loved him. [...]

Sending you and @DWS lots of virtual hugs.

 

On 12/22/2022 at 2:53 AM, Jemiga70 said:

I couldnt have said it better,  @Ronni_W .  Thank you for writing.  [...] This coming Friday I had planned to go out for dinner (alone) in honor of our anniversary. But I'll see. I'm not gonna force myself.  Wishing you strength for whatever you decide to do next week,

Dear Jemiga70 and TGold,

(hopefully I'll figure out how to 'multi-quote' as I go along here.) I just wanted to really thank the each and the both of you.

Jemiga70, I think what I would offer is...to ask you -- or tell you, I guess, maybe, but only from my own experience (not saying to listen to anything that I'm saying) -- another year won't make any difference. So, might as well just do it now as soon as you can organize it. Because. (For me.) In 12 months or 12 years or 12 centuries (if we end up staying here that long, without them), it's still gonna be with...not them with us. All's we're doing to our own self is just procrastinating on what we're gonna end up feeling, anyway.

I guess...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope/wish for you the same as I hope/wish for myself; nothing more and nothing less. Go, as soon as you can and don't hesitate or procrastinate on it, to go find out what'll happen when you go to try on if living overseas will actually bring you a greater sense of 'normalness' and peace and stuff that'll be good for your own psyche and your own Soul. (While I'm offering this, full disclosure, I'm also not really doing it for myself -- but I can see the wisdom in it, if only I could do it for myself.)

But also, Another full disclosure. (Am I allowed 2 in one post? <lol, and weak smile>.) I decided to not wait for the actual 'anniversary day', and just opened the bottle and the packet of his fave chocolates, and just did it when it felt right for me to do. He'll totally understand, I am sure of that, and even if I don't.

Thank you, Jemiga70 -- 'strength" is exactly what I need to get through this "holly, jolly, merry and festive". I need and appreciate your support for me to receive that!

TGold, you made me tear up, so thank you for that! Because I haven't at all been feeling that how I've been doing things is all too "sweet" to properly "honour his memory and legacy" the way that he truly earned and deserves. But. I have been doing it how and when I can, and that counts. So, thanks for reminding me that it counts.

Jemiga70, if you do decide to go out for that dinner, you won't *ever* be "alone". We all here will be with you (and also when you move overseas), but also...and I really don't know the actual spiritual truth and fact of this...but...even without all of us here, maybe you still won't be "alone"??? (Am I "alone" when I'm by myself toasting him by drinking his favourite alcoholic beverage and eating his favourite chocolates?)

Love and hugs, and Strength and Comfort, and Wisdom and Wise Insights, to you both, and to all who are reading this.   Ronni

 

Sending (virtual) hugs to you both, and to all who can relate.   Ronni

 

[Ronni_W]

2 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

[...] I decided to not wait for the actual 'anniversary day', and just opened the bottle and the packet of his fave chocolates, and just did it when it felt right for me to do. [...]

it still sucked.

In one way, yeah, sure I got to the point where I could at least do it. <Yeah me!!!...not.> I's not ever going to not suck that I even needed/need to muster up all of my inner courage, strength and other crap that is needed, for me to have to / to be able to do it in the first place

Don't wait if you don't have to wait (for financial or whatever other outside/external reasons). It's ALWAYS going to suck. Just do it now. Might as well just do it now,

[Ronni_W]

On 12/22/2022 at 2:53 AM, Jemiga70 said:

[...]  Honestly I have no idea if it would bring relief or meltdown ... maybe it'd bring relief AND meltdown?  Maybe it'd be comforting and excruciatingly painful at the same time?

For me? No. It brings one OR the other. You still do need to give it about or a least 1 hour (or, if moving across a continent or two, perhaps about or at least one month), but, outside of that, in my own experience, we generally do have enough insight or inner wisdom into our own self (if we are being truly self-honest) to be able to know/recognize that something is more bringing more relief than meltdown, more comfort than excruciating pain. You WILL know, Jemigia70. You can still trust yourself, no matter how difficult that is to think or believe. Even given that 49.5% versus 50.5% is a very close call, we can still know. (Full disclosure...I've lost all trust and confidence in my own self, but doesn't mean that you or others have to do the same for, or to, or about, your own self.)

For me, also, I am cognizant that I do need to be *very* careful to not force/bully myself, versus not just end up making myself into a "something", and making excuses for myself or finding "reasons and justifications" for myself to just keep myself stuck and passive and lazy. It's an extremely fine tightrope that I am walking...that we are walking. After over 2 years, I don't have any tips or hints or suggestions as to how to "get good" at walking this tightrope. It is personal and unique and individual, indeed so much so that as of right now, there are about 8 billion different ways to do it on Earth. Mine is only 1 of 8 billion. Yours is only 1 of 8 billion. So, don't listen to mine and don't listen to the other 8-billion-minus-ones. Just listen to your own.

[Jemiga70]

I'm disturbed by the likelihood that no matter where I live, there will always be that emptiness. It will probably always suck.  But if I can be surfing next December instead of shoveling snow I will be happier.  I'll take any speck and crumb of something that gives me even a tiny bit of hope.  I hear what youre saying about just going ASAP, but there are some external things that need to be squared away first.   I'm sorry to hear your day of opening the beverage and chocolates wasn't good despite mustering the strength to get there in the first place. For me I chose not to go for dinner last wknd because too angry and sad.  Thanks again for your thoughts,

[Ronni_W]

On 12/29/2022 at 12:00 AM, Jemiga70 said:

[...]   I'm sorry to hear your day of opening the beverage and chocolates wasn't good despite mustering the strength to get there in the first place. [...]

Jemiga70,

If it came across that it was NOT good, then that's my own failure to be able to convey how it truly and actually went for me. Because. It WAS good; it was not "bad". It was as good as it could get. Perhaps, even, as good as it's ever going to be able to get, for me. (Also of course -- I didn't consume the entire bottle and packet of chocolates in one go, so, have been partaking over the past few days, at whatever hour-of-day came to me to do it. It was all "good", in one sense of how I experience "good" these days.)

How I've been having to look at, and think about, and do things. I don't exactly think that there is a "likelihood" that there will be some kind of 'foundational' emptiness; I've been taking that as a given; started to be able to take this "background/foundational" sense of emptiness of mine as sort of a given, and taking it for granted. THEN, on top of that, I'm starting to think in terms of, "How can I build, or indeed *what* can I build, on this 'emptiness', which is now my 'new-normal foundation'?" (This isn't, I'm thinking/feeling, going to make sense for anyone else, or for too many others. But, maybe for one other person...so I'll keep typing.)

I don't, anymore, say to myself that it will always "probably" suck. I just say to myself that it will "always definitely" suck. And then I get to ask myself, "So, given that it will ALWAYS DEFINITELY suck, do I want to be surfing WHILE it sucks, or do I want to be shoveling snow WHILE it sucks???"

So, I guess, it's like I'm putting all of my different VERY SUCKY options into their own VERY SUCKY perspectives.  For sure, yeah...you still need to make sure that the practical external situation and conditions can and will support whatever you decide and choose to go and "test and try on". Make sure that you've first taken care that your 'critical needs' for survival (shelter, food, clothing, health care, such like that) will not be put at risk no matter how/where/what you decide to go 'test-drive'. But then, and only after you've taken care that those of your 'critical needs' are and will continue to be met...then...???