Struggling

[AJ4]

I'm really struggling with the holiday coming up, and the cold and the dark and the snow.  I've been working hard and exhausted and then my dog decided to bark in the night and by the time I'd let him out, gotten him back in and tried to go back to sleep I was just crying.   Saturday I needed to do errands and Christmas shopping but I could barely pull myself together to get in and out of the stores without crying.  I ended up sitting in the parking lot eating peanut brittle with tears just coming down.   It didn't help that I fell down two times trying to shovel my driveway, then I was soaking wet and had to go change clothes before I could even get out for my shopping.  So I was sore all over.  And the post office closed early without warning (they said open until 2 but I got there at 1:30 and they had locked the doors with people still inside) so I didn't even get to mail my packages.  Although I should be able to go Monday after work.  And the price of the dog food I get has gone from 26 per bag to 47!  What the what?     

[DWS]

Through your words, I can feel and picture all of your stress, despair and exhaustion. Trying to get through the excruciating days with grief and loss are difficult enough without throwing "the most happiest time of the year" at us. Thank goodness for those of us who have vehicles as our safe spaces to escape to! Warm hugs to you and please know that if it were possible, there are many of us here who would help you shovel out that driveway. 

[widower2]

I'm sorry AJ. For many of us, Christmas is one of the if not the hardest of all holidays to deal with. I hope you are able to get together with someone, family, friends, whatever, at this time. Being alone is always hard on a holiday, but the loneliness folks like us feel and why we're alone makes it so much harder.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, it seems everything hitting you at once.  Maybe the post office guessed how long it'd take to take care of the customers at hand, but it seems unfair to those who drove there for nothing..
And I totally get it about shoveling the snow and falling...been there.  I hope you feel better soon!  I haven't even shopped this year, sent my kids checks and $ for my DIL to buy something for the grandkids, she knows what they would like and I can't keep track of their ever changing stuff.
You are so right, widower2!

[BohoKat]

11 hours ago, AJ4 said:

and then my dog decided to bark in the night and by the time I'd let him out, gotten him back in and tried to go back to sleep I was just crying. 

Dear AJ,

I can really relate to the dog thing, I have a young rescue Australian Shepherd+mutt with way too much energy at 2am and it’s a killer getting back to sleep. I am so sorry you are having a rotten Christmas season. When our love one was with us, we got comforted or had a good laugh when the bad things happened. Now alone it is just painful and aggravating, and it seems the Universe has it out for us. And the weather and the dark just compound it. I use one of those daylight lamps that simulate sunlight, 5000 to 10000 lumens is good. Spend 30 minutes to an hour sitting in front of it between noon and 2pm (you can read, knit, whatever). Amazon has them $20-40. It does not work for everyone but it makes a big difference for my mood. Wishing you a turn in your luck and that you find some joy this Christmas 😀 

Peace. BohoKat 

[Ronni_W]

AJ4, we're also called upon to start to figure-out all of the unreasonable and unrealistic "obligations and responsibilities" that we put upon our own self -- without any self-love or self-caring or self-compassion.

For me, that's what I've been doing to myself, so it's the only way that I can even possibly see when others are doing it to their own self.

Now, full disclosure. I've gone entirely the opposite way, and equally self-sabotaging. I just don't bother with anything. Earlier this evening -- about 3 hours ago -- I started to wonder if my eyesight is being hindered/limited because I have tears (6-or-so hours of crying) that I just feel will not be 'useful' for me to do. (Would make me too incompetent and useless on Earth, if I let them flow).

So what if the store closes before I have an opportunity to purchase the crap that I wanted to purchase, for my brother's Christmas' visit? Why in the heckin' heck am I so determined to shovel my car until I fall down, and am so soaking wet as to possibly contract a very serious cold or even pneumonia? Why am I hating my own self this much?

(I don't have my own answers to these my own questions. But. ???)

[AJ4]

Honestly most of the things I do I feel I have to do because I've tried not doing them and that was worse.  Work, well, I'm not old enough for retirement.   Don't shovel the driveway- car gets stuck when you actually want to go somewhere.  Don't buy presents for people- then I feel like crap if they bought me something and I'm standing there empty handed.   Don't get up and let the dog out- have to clean up a mess in the morning.   If I didn't have a bunch of dogs and a farm, life would be simpler, but it's a bit late for change now, I'm attached to the fuzzy friends.  Plus, sometimes I really enjoy them.   One of the things I bought went over way better than I thought it might.  I went out with some friends and I'd bought this goofy little shark bath scrubby for a  grown man.  He thought it was the best thing he'd ever seen and was utterly delighted.  No, he's not simple, but just really playful which is why I thought of him when I saw it.  It cost me only a couple bucks but he gave us all some belly laughs goofing around with it at the Perkins.   So I felt a lot better after that.  

[AJ4]

BohoKat, my dogs are Aussies too.  Sooo much energy!   

[Ronni_W]

AJ4, yeah. For myself I also can get to those exact same types of reasons. So, it's not that I don't get it, how we do to our own self. We want to feel better after we do what we do. But, as your friend demonstrated: what we think is just 'simple-minded' or 'goofy' or 'of not importance' -- these "simple" things,,,maybe they are the more meaningful things?

(I realize that sometimes most often I don't really express in typed words what I'm feeling in my heart and Soul...but, somehow, you and others here still "get me". ❤️. It's gorgeous and I love it. (Not everyone, and not all the time. But lots of people, lots of the times.)

[AJ4]

Yeah, I totally get it.  I try not to do things that are just extra work and won't bring enjoyment to be worth the trouble. I think last Christmas I said I'm only doing 5 traditions.  Or was it the Christma before?   But I gave the family some input, but I wasn't going to be doing 10 things, only 5.  So, tree is one. Sweetrolls is two. Presents is three.   and so on but only up to 5.   NO cookie exchange.  NO work friends party.  NO to driving anywhere or seeing anyone besides my kids.   

[Ronni_W]

AJ4, yes, of course; for me also. But then also. Did you end up going past number 5? Number 6? Number 12? <lol>.

That is, for me, I'm trying to stay "flexible". Some days? -- Yeah, I feel and can get 'flexible'. On other days or for other stuff? "Nah! I've set my boundaries!!!"

Sometimes I surprise myself, about what is a still "hard" boundary, and what has shifted in the meantime when I wasn't even noticing.

Anyway, so why won't you exchange cookies with me??? (I don't bake so it'll have to be store-bought, by the way. Is that okay??? 😀.)   Ronni

Edited to add: I *will* drive, but only in perfectly good driving conditions. NO snow forecast; NO ice; NO rain or freezing rain or high winds. HARD BOUNDARY! 🤣.

Edited December 19, 2022 by Ronni_W
As typed above.

[AJ4]

Nope, I added nothing as far as Christmasy things.  I can be very strict, er, lazy, at times.   And actually nobody hassled me at all about not coming to see them or not baking cookies.   Which is why I gave the immediate family a chance for input on the 5 things.   I mailed out NO Christmas cards last year even if I felt a bit guilty.  But that wasn't on the 5  things.  This year I sent out a few, but not a whole big list.  My husband used to help me with those and without him the task is like a big ol mountain I don't have to climb if I don't feel like it.  

[Ronni_W]

Er. Just checking, "lazy" or "self-caring and self-compassionate"??? Because. I had ten (10) cards on my list. Was at Shoppers' one time, and Walmart another time. And just got so bloody bored with the bloody tedium of it. Did end up with one (1) card. Already whittled down my list of the nine (9) remaining, down to two (2) remaining. But...only going to try one more time. If I get bored before I find another suitable card...then. I'm not gonna climb it, either! (I'm still calling my play 'self-caring and self-compassionate'.) And if I have to order in some kind of take-out instead of what I want to shop for, to serve for my 2 guests, then that's gonna happen, also. (At the very best of times, which this 'festive season' surely ain't for me, neither 'festive' nor 'the best of times', cooking ain't my thing!)

AJ4, thanks for helping to make this Saturday evening a little bit better for me. ❤️. (Sometimes we don't know the seeming little things that we do, that helps the next person!) I hope that things feel a little bit better or 'lighter' for you too, right now, if only for moment.   Ronni

 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

I'm coming here several times a day now wanting to say more, read more, feel more and the exhaustion of my own grief leaves words circling in my mind for a place to land.   It's a very heavy lift. 

Thank you for stating that so eloquently because I do the very same thing and I imagine that's the way it is for many others here too. I think it's all part of our quest and need for meaning because our losses leave us with such meaningless-ness! The questions abound: "why was their life taken", "why were they taken from me", "what am I to do without them here with me"...etc.  And there aren't answers. Some well-intentioned souls out there might give us some made-up platitudes and suggestions on how to look at our losses. We could let our egos run with those and put on our happy faces again to the world or we can continue to feel what we feel...as challenging as that is. Maybe it is there where we will find some meaning and solace eventually. 

[KayC]

I would say proceed with what you're feeling, it helps to process our grief and gives validity to our feelings.  Besides, putting on a strained smile makes us implode when we get home.  I realize there's a time for that like if you work with the public but honestly, that would be hard.

[TGold]

@AJ4 I’m very sorry. It pains my heart to hear about others suffering.  The holidays are hard enough to get through without the added loss of a loved one.  Everywhere is crowded, people drive like maniacs, and it’s so hard to wear the face.  As KayC mentioned above, it makes you implode when you get home.  I have a friend who is always reminding me to take things “minute by minute” or “bird by bird”.  It’s okay if some things have to slip or delay, a present can wait. People understand. I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping.  I don’t like accidentally running into people, who then ask me how I’m doing when I’m not prepared.  Plus I’m just out of it.  As an example, I mindlessly put water into an *electric* kettle to make tea yesterday, and then placed it on a lit gas stove burner .  Took me a couple seconds to realize I was burning the bottom of my tea kettle!  
 

Hang in there, the holidays will be over in a matter of weeks.   All the “joy” and “cheer” with family and friends gathering can make this time even more lonely and difficult.  Furry friends have helped me the most.  And discovering this great forum. ❤️

[BohoKat]

14 hours ago, LostThomas said:

Just becoming functional is my struggle.  I know I'm not in a good place myself and that makes it so hard to help others. 

@LostThomas My heart goes out to you and I was touched by your words of grief. You are so right, just functioning is the first hurdle. Glad you have a kitten and are getting in at least one meal.

I am a little further down the path, coming up on the second anniversary of my husband’s death in a few months. But I want you to know your post helped me, reminding me again to take one step at a time. I have some mental health issues and have attended support groups. It makes me think of how sometimes I got the best advice from people in the deepest depths of illness.Your voice, calling from the wilderness, is valuable even now. Hope to see you here again soon. Peace, BohoKat 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, BohoKat said:

It makes me think of how sometimes I got the best advice from people in the deepest depths of illness.Your voice, calling from the wilderness, is valuable even now.

So true...it takes being there to understand.