I lost my 21 year old girlfriend of 5 years.

[Jcon32]

I lost my girlfriend of 5 years 2 weeks ago. We got into a freak accident on the highway and crashed the vehicle into a tree at a very high speed. I watched her die in front of me, i did everything I could to save her after the accident, after screaming her name and attempting to wake her up with no success, i crawled back to the highway to flag vehicles down because my phone was lost in the accident. I had 6 broken ribs and a collapsed lung with fractures on my lower spine. I tried my hardest to save her life but she sadly didn't make it. I suffered from those very intense injuries and spent the next week and a half in the hospital. It's a miracle i survived but i wish i just died with her in that crash and didn't have to suffer this insane amount of pain and grief. She has been living with me for 3 years and she was the most amazing woman i could have asked for. She was the most genuine, beautiful, nicest girl i have met and lived such a difficult life. She turned 21 only 4 weeks ago and it kills me she didn't even get the chance to enjoy it. I'm not sure what to do anymore. We had her wake and funeral yesterday and it was the hardest and most painful experience i have ever went through in my life. Seeing her body in the casket was so unreal and I'm nervous that i am losing hope in everything. Someone please help me. I am so very angry at the world for taking my soulmate so unexpectedly and violent. She did not deserve this and i am not sure what to do anymore.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

Someone please help me.

I am so sorry you find yourself living this nightmare!  It is singly the hardest thing I've ever endured, and losing my companion dog reminded me of it but your partner affects you in so many additional ways...

Right now you are undoubtedly in shock, grief fog, your brain can't handle it all, it will take a long time to process this...it helped me to try to stay in today, not take on the "rest of my life" which would send me into an anxiety spin, just do today.  I hope you have support around you, I did not....all our friends and his family disappeared immediately...as is often the case, death makes many uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond.  My family cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through and often said inappropriate things.

My kids were great but my son was in the service, my daughter here at first and gradually tapered off.  

No your GF did not deserve what happened, and neither did you.  I am so sorry...her suffering is over and yours began.  In time it will lessen but only God knows how long it will take until you reach the place where you can get through your day without feeling this...it took me much time go learn to carry my grief inside of me, I'm talking years, but everyone is different in how they grieve and their time frame.  Keep pouring your heart out here, we are listening and we care...sending you hugs..

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Jcon32]

Thank you it is just so very hard to deal with this pain. I wish almost everyday i just passed away with her in the crash. I look at death much different now and have no fear of it. My mind and heart has gone numb and i feel so lost and confused. I have seen her every single day for the past 3 years and she was the best woman I have ever been with. She was so funny and we figured so many of our problems out. We had so much fun together, I don't understand why she had to die like this. I don't know how ill carry on never being able to just laugh uncontrollably again with her, or never going to bed and waking up with her. This is so unfair to her. We will never get to see what are kids would look like or the house we were planning on buying. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[KayC]

8 minutes ago, Jcon32 said:

I don't understand why she had to die like this.

I don't think there is a "why," although I've certainly heard my share of platitudes and cliches (God has a plan, etc.)  not comforting at all!

Cliches - answers to

[Jcon32]

Yeah those cliches definitely don't help too much. I've been trying to just accept i will have no answers to almost anything. It just makes me so angry at the world that she was so amazing and had to die such a violent death. I would have traded places with her 10 out of 10 times. It would have made more sense for me to pass away and not her. I just have so much anger and i don't know where to direct it. I'm mad at myself because i wish i did things differently. I'm so very lost without her. She was my soulmate and i planned on marrying her, but now I'm a broken man who feels like he lost everything.

[DWS]

I am so sorry for such a huge and unfair loss. I can't even imagine the emotional pain that you are enduring and as KayC mentioned, with it only being two weeks, you would be in shock and grief fog not to mention your own physical pain. Sadly, there aren't answers...I wish there were for you. Your fears and your anger are justified. Right now, please be kind and take care of yourself. Every hour...every minute feels excruciating. We get it here. It's because of love and our heavy hearts...and yours has the added horror of what happened. I hope you have some loving support around you. Someone specializing in grief therapy will be helpful in the days and weeks to come if that's something you can afford. Seek out support online by watching videos on grief (there are lots of them)...and write and rant here on this site. Feel free to tell us more about your girlfriend. I know that telling others of our sweet, wonderful partners and spouses gives us a bit of comfort. We want to tell the world how fortunate we are. 

[Jcon32]

Thank you and it has been very nice to speak on this site with people who can relate. I talked to 3 people while I was in the hospital for some sort of therapy but they didn't seem to help in the slightest. I'm not sure if they just weren't the best at their job or if i should look for certain type of therapy program. It feels much more better for me talking to family,friends, or people who can relate to me about what im going through. Everything just kills me. I cry every single day and beg to God to bring her back for me. We both changed each others lives for the better in the 5 years we were together. I found a love letter she was writing me; that she never got to give to me the other day while i was looking through her stuff. I never cried so hard in my life reading that letter. I wish i could have thanked her for it or been able to tell her how much it means to me. I cried so hard with that letter my face went numb and i nearly passed out. This pain is unbearable and I don't understand why the world had to do this to us.

[DWS]

It hurts tremendously but think of that letter as a precious gem she left for you. I'm sorry you didn't find much emotional comfort from the hospital workers. That's a whole other topic for another day. Thankfully you're home and in your safe space for now. My only real advice is to be patient with yourself and take as much time you need to process. In the weeks to come, don't beat yourself up for not "getting better" and try not to let others do that too. Love is why we grieve. Maybe you survived so that you can tell others of your girlfriend's life and history. 

[Jcon32]

Yeah the letter was the greatest but most painful thing i have ever had to go through. It made me miss her beyond a point i can't even describe. It made me write her a letter that i ended up putting in her casket at the wake. I wish i could just get a sign of her or anything. I'm not too sure what i believe happens in the afterlife but i really hope there is something and whatever it is makes her happy. I wish i could get a sign or something from her that she is watching me or anything but i haven't seen really anything. I've had 2 dreams with her and one ended up being so real I woke up thinking she was actually still with me for a second. I remember holding and kissing her being so happy i could be with her and telling her I had a nightmare that she passed away. She didn't speak much at all in the dream, but I was just so happy she was with me. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

I wish i could have thanked her for it or been able to tell her how much it means to me.

Tell her now.  I talk to George, can't be positive he hears me but I like to believe he does, and if it keeps me going, what is the harm!  When we get signs from them, I can't conjure that up and I have...when I needed it the most.  I agree that the love letter was a precious gift to you.

[Ronni_W]

Jcon32, I am so very, very sorry for your loss, and the circumstances surrounding your loss. I can't even imagine.

There isn't anything that anyone else can say that will actually be of any true comfort at this time...even though people (including myself) will try to say something... ...but only because they/we really do care, and really do want to try to help and make things 'easier' for you to handle (even though it's really quite impossible for anyone else to help you with, right now).

Sure, you can talk to her now; and try to write letters and eulogies. I've done all of that, dozens and dozens of times. Sure, it can help some people. But also, sure, maybe it won't help you at this time. (It hasn't, yet, helped me.) But. If it doesn't yet help you, then don't yet give up hope. Just, if it feels okay for your right now, then keep it in your 'back pocket' as a 'plan' or 'strategy' or 'tool' to maybe use in the future, to help us through our 'grieving process'; and try it again next week, or next month, or next year.)

If you don't yet feel like the love letter was "a precious gift to you", then let it still be not a precious gift -- don't let other people force on you what it means to you, if you don't yet feel for yourself that this is what it means for you. (Personally, I don't get how other people get the sense that they can say such stuff to us.) From me, if you want to, then just keep it in your 'back pocket', for maybe for maybe later.

People have been trying to force on me what is/was "precious" between me and my life partner -- how the effin' eff do they know??? (They don't.) How I've been doing it for myself, is to just put it aside the stuff that I don't really feel sure and certain about yet, and not permanently garbage or destroy it. Leave your options open, for when...for some future time when hopefully we won't feel it all so 'raw'. Is how I'd offer to take such things. NOT what I'm saying here, nor what other people (here or in your 'real life') are saying. Just by how you yourself feel, right now. It sucks; but it's all we've really got, right now.

I can't imagine your experience and your memories of your experience that you're having to exist/live with. (I tried to, and I realized that I still really just can't.) I am so very, very, very sorry. And I wish that I could help and comfort. I totally realize that I can't. All's I can do is to offer: When you find something that you think might help, then type it here. Everyone here truly does want to help and comfort; and we will all do our best.   Love and hugs to you, Jcon32. And Strength and Comfort.   Ronni

[Jcon32]

Thank you so much Ronni I truly appreciate the great advice. This is all so fresh and new to me I'm still not exactly sure what works and what doesn't yet. I do respect the way you talk about this, a lot of people i have dealt with in my real life have been pretty bad with what they say to me. Some people I understand were trying to help but other people we're just saying wrong things to me and i had to stop talking to them. I'm just trying to get through day by day as of right now. I'm very nervous for things to get more normal, like whenever i start going back to work. She used to come and visit me on almost every lunch break and I'm so used to getting home from work and being able to laugh and unwind with her for the rest of the day. I don't believe all of this has totally kicked in yet and I'm very scared of what im going to be feeling when i realize all of that will never happen again. I'm going to be feeling even more lonely than i already do now and I'm not sure if i can even handle anymore pain. So far the only true thing that has made me feel any sort of relief from this hurt has been reading things from this site and interacting with all of you great people. I really would like to thank you all.

[Ronni_W]

Jcon32, hopefully whatever I said did not come across as "advice"! <LOL>. But, at the same time, what I was trying to say is that nothing that "works" for some other person will necessarily also "work" for you or for me. Also, the people you're communicating with in your real life...it's really not that they're "pretty bad" with what they're saying to you. It's that they're totally uneducated about it. <LOL, and 'hardee-har-har!'>. They are trying, they really are. But none of us -- not you and not me -- have any education at all, in dealing with death or helping others cope with the death of their loved one, and especially not "unusual/traumatizing" death of a dear loved one.

I've had the same experience, as you have already, that has to do with your/my/our end-of-day rituals and routines. For me, it then gets even worse on the weekends. No, Jcon32, it hasn't all yet kicked in for you. (Sorry to say that, but, I ain't gonna BS you now, am I? What kind of friend/supporter for you would or could I really be or hope to be, if I started BSing you now, and started saying all kinds of stupid platitudes and cliches?)

How I can say it, from my own experience. I'm trying to always be cognizant to 'explore' what I'm scared of; my fears and concerns and anxieties, and then explore if my own 'crap' is coming from some 'reasonable and realistic' place. Then I can tell you...even when I realize that the answer to that question is, "No, definitely not!", it still doesn't help me (at the minute) for me to not still feel stuck and paralyzed and useless and helpless.

You know, you've heard, "Happier days will come", and stuff like that. Some stupid idiot of a woman told me, when my Dad died when I was 13, "Your dad is in a better place now." Stupid effin stupid woman. (I have never forgotten her for that, and now it's almost exactly 50 years later. Stupid effin' woman; and still trying to tell me that it was not a 'platitude' and not a 'cliche' that she said. They just don't get it; these supposed 'grief experts and teachers'.) I'm not saying that it isn't 100% true that future days will feel better for us than current days do. I'm only saying that if you can't yet see 'happy days' for yourself right now, then that's okay and don't think-believe that you're doing-thinking-feeling something "wrong, or are doing your own personal/unique loss and grieving process in a "wrong" way. No-one else knows how it is for you. So. Take what feels right for you, and reject and garbage everything else. Everything else, Jcon32, including what I'm saying. It's so bloody difficult to just trust our own self at this time. But, try as best you can to just do that. And keep posting here. Love and hugs, again. Ronni

[Jcon32]

Thank you i feel so lost and just almost numb. Its been a month since she passed now and i don't even know what to do. I miss her with every fiber in my body. My injuries still have me stuck in bed and can't move much and that doesn't help. I want to die and be with her so badly, she didn't deserve any of this and now im stuck here wonder what happens to her. Nothing seems to help and i know I'll never have any answers to anything until the day i die. I don't know if it's even worth living, I'm only 23 and have such a long road of life ahead of me. A life I was planning on living with my girlfriend. We talked about thinking of trying to have a child not even 3 weeks before she passed. I'm so angry at the world for taking her, i would have done everything in my power for us to trade places, i would hate to have her live and feel this pain im feeling but she deserves to live her life more than me. I don't know what to do anymore, the only reason i haven't taken myself out is because I don't want to hurt my family or her family anymore than they already are. Her family became my second home and we were extremely close and i know if i took myself out it would put even more tremendous pain on them which is not fair. Me and my girlfriend lived with my parents together for 4 years and she became almost like a daughter they never had. They are devasted by this loss and if they lost me I'm not sure if they would survive. I'm just at a loss of words and nothing seems to help. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

the only reason i haven't taken myself out is because I don't want to hurt my family or her family anymore than they already are.

That alone is reason enough to live...I know you can't see it now but this journey evolves eventually, although when no one can say as it's different for all of us.  Take one day at a time, breaking it down to an hour or even just the next minute, as need be.  You are in our thoughts and prayers and I wish I could send you hugs from here.  Keep coming here, reading/posting, it helps to get it out.  And it helps to know you aren't alone in what you're going through.

[Kinuan]

@Jcon32

Hey man are you still there? How are you healing? I relate to your posts a lot I lost my wife of 5 years around the same age as you did, and in similar circumstances. I know there is nothing to say that can help, I know it hurts bad man I am so sorry. Just found this forum today I'll be around maybe if you see this and want to talk

 

[KayC]

He is still coming, checked in six hours ago, you wrote 4 hours ago...I'm sure he'll check in again.  

5 hours ago, Kinuan said:

Just found this forum today

Welcome here.  I hope you share your story...

[movingon]

Not only do you have her loss to deal with, but the horror of that accident. I'm so sorry, yes, when our loved ones pass it's beyond words that alot of people would understand, but with you...she was so young, she wasn't given a whole life, that in itself would make me so incredibly angry. I don't know what to say, it's just so tragic, not just death in your loss, but absolute tragedy. This group have amazing people who can help you,  for me this group has been my safe comfort zone. I feel more comfortable here sharing my experience and just being able to say how much I hurt and being genuinely heard. It's so true about others..friends, family, acquaintances...if they haven't been through it, although they try to comfort us, the haven't had the same experience of loss. Keep talking on this site, you will find people who will speak to your innermost feelings and you won't feel alone

[KayC]

@LostThomas Those are incredibly powerful words spoken from a genuine man of heart and honor.  @Jcon32 I hope you know what this means...that he will not leave you or forsake you...that's an incredible gift.

[Jcon32]

@LostThomas @KinuanThank you so much, this site has been pretty much the only thing that has helped me get through this. Being with everyone here who understands the pain makes this a little bit easier. I've never felt such emotional pain before in my life, my physical pain is something i dont even care to think about because all i feel is the heavy loss of her. Thank you all for the support and I'll definitely like to talk to you about it Kinuan, Losing her so young drives me crazy. Nobody deserves to have their life cut so damn short. She was robbed of so many things and it makes me so angry at the world I don't even know what to think anymore. I look at the world and life so different now and not in a good way, I don't understand why the world has to be so cruel. I'm sorry you had to go through what i went through too. This is something i would never wish upon my worst enemies. I'm just trying to keep my head thinking on the right path, it's scary how depressed and defeated I am. I'm mad at myself i wish i did things differently that night. This is just all too much i miss her more than i can even express in words. Thank you all for talking to me about this

@LostThomas @Kinuan

[Kinuan]

You are welcome. I will be back later. I hope you are healing ok physically

[KayC]

@Jcon32 One of the things that bugged me was my George missing out on so much, we'd only been married 3 years 8 months, so many dreams for the future, plans to live out!  Now it's quiet where once his beautiful personality filled...echoes of him...

[movingon]

I was just sitting here having my coffee and breakfast smoothie thinking ....it's so quiet...too quiet..and I opened your post. It's that silence. So empty, so still, no voice, just the thoughts in my head 

[Jcon32]

I've been extra depressed the past few days, its been hitting so extremely hard i have so much regret. I just wish i could talk to her one more time. I can't stop crying and and thinking of everything. I've never felt so lost before. How is it that there is nothing i can do? I just want one more conversation and there is zero way to do that. I'm really losing it smh I can't live without her i miss her so much. It hasn't gotten any easier it seems like its getting worse and I didn't think that was possible. There isn't any words to remotely describe the level that i am missing her right now, i would do absolutely anything to be with her. I love her so much.

[Kinuan]

Hang in there man it sounds like you are going into the worst of it now. It might get worse before it gets better but the pain will not be this intense forever it will numb eventually. If nothing else have hope for that. And consider that love is eternal. I am worried about you I hope you have people around that are checking on you or at least physically near you. Nothing anyone can do or say is going to make it hurt less. I hope you are staying as far away from alcohol and drugs as you can, they will not help you in the long run you are going to have to face this. It won't hurt this bad forever. I was going to ask you the other day if it feels real yet but it sounds like your brain is catching up to reality right now. It might take awhile to fully sync up. Vent to anyone who will stand within ear shot long enough, reach out to the people around you every day, be brave and be open make sure they hear you. Nobody is going to understand, they are not going to get it at all and nobody is going to be able to ease the sting but you can help yourself now by not hiding it. I'm glad you are putting it all out here if nowhere else. You are a hero for making it as far as you have already. Your girl is proud of you.

[KayC]

I remember hating it when people would tell me it'd get better with time, not because I didn't want it to, it's just how do you survive the time you are in?  How do you get through it meanwhile?  No one could tell me that.  I looked for something good in each day, stayed in today, told myself I could do today (did NOT focus on the next 40 years, way too much!) and did it...whatever I needed to do, drive to work, vacuum, fix dinner, whatever.  Weird how one day turns into the next until years have gone by and somewhere over those years I've survived...you will too, but no one can tell you how/why, that is something I guess we each figures out along the way bit by bit, although we may not realize it.

Hang in there.  Tell her you love her.  Who knows but that the wind can carry your voice or thoughts to her?!

[Jcon32]

Thanks so much, i have some people to talk to but i cant escape the lonely feeling that never leaves me. The majority of people I see and talk to at least understand they have no idea the extent of this pain and they don't try to say much B.S things. I do talk to a couple of my passed away friends mothers though and they at least give me some good outlook on what to do at least. They got a good idea of this pain and it gives me hope that they can push through. I just can't believe I won't be able to be with the love of my life again or spend a day just lying around laughing doing nothing but watching tv. I miss holding her and having no care in the world, just being happy to be around each other. I didn't drink the first month, especially bc i was very nervous i would end up hurting myself or someone else. I felt very unstable and broken. I've been drinking a little bit now but i know I need to cut that sh*t out. I'm not the best with alcohol in the first place so i really know it's a dumb decision to be making. Just any type of relief from this pain is something i was reaching for. I do want to face this head on and not be a drunk all the time running from it. I'm trying to make her proud but i feel like a disappointment and I feel i let her down. I was supposed to protect her and i failed. My soul just feels shattered and now shes missing out on her whole life. I just wish i could trade places with her so damn bad.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

'm not the best with alcohol in the first place so i really know it's a dumb decision to be making.

Not only that but it's a depressant, not exactly what you need.  I hope for your sake you can cut it out.  Take a walk instead, it'll help you instead of hurt you, it does something for your frame of mind.

18 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

I feel i let her down. I was supposed to protect her and i failed.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[Jcon32]

I had a few good days where i kept my mind distracted and got through life a little better than how I was and now I'm getting hit with this intense pain. This feels to be almost even worse than usual. Idk how long I can even do this anymore. I miss her so much and I feel I'm actually losing my mind. This is all so unfair. Idek what to do anymore, i have cried all day and just want to speak to her so badly. I'm trying so hard to be strong but I'm actually losing this battle. How can pain last this long, how am i supposed to deal with this for the rest of my life. I feel like my soul has be taken from me and I'm just an actual shell of a person. I'm so damn lonely without her and I truly need her more than anything right now.

[KayC]

When we think of how long we have until we died, when we think of all the tomorrows we have to face without them here beside us, it about does us in...our anxiety surmounts to unbearable.  Put all that aside and just do today.  You can do today.  One minute at a time, do today.  That's how I've done the last nearly 18 years and will the rest of my life.  Stay in today.

10 hours ago, Jcon32 said:

I'm so damn lonely without her and I truly need her more than anything right now.

I know.  This is the hardest thing I've had to go through.  My husband and I met in our mid-40s, he had just turned 51 when he died.  Had he died in his 20s we never would have met...to me that is unthinkable.  His love keeps me going, it feeds my soul, even still.
Sending you hugs...