loss of my husband of 13yrs

[Angel'sgirl]

This passed April, my daughter and i decided we would go and visit my grandparents i had not seen in 20 yrs for Easter. My husband who had always had health issues, couldn't go cause his back would not make the 12 hr drive. I was gone one day when i got a phone call that my Richie the love of my life since i was 17 was found dead in our familyroom. These 7 1/2 months have been unbearable for me and our 10yr old little girl we miss him so much. This is very difficult for me cause i met my husband about a year and half after my brother who was a year older then me was killed in a car accident. He made me want to live again after losing Keith. Somedays i dont know how i'm going to make it through the day. A few a day after we buried him i had a complete nerves break down and had to be place in a mental ward for a week, i signed my self out cause my place was with our daughter. I had the break cause i went almost 3 weeks without sleep and my doctor put me on ambiem, i had a very bad reaction to it. I went almost 5 months with no sleep. I'm doing better but i still don't sleep right. The family has changed too, i was always close to my husband's family but they show my daughter and i barely to no support.

[Angel'sgirl]

I keep thinking to my self what if i was home, would he still be here. Had i been home id seen something was wrong and got him to the hospital in time. I feel dead inside. My chest hurts everyday due to my broken heart. Its unbearable when our daughter cries for her Daddy. I wish i could be with him, everyday i think about it, but then i think of our daughter and the pain she is in, i can't add to her pain. I feel torn i want to be with him but i can't hurt our girl. i go to his grave almost everyday. For awhile i thought i felt him around me, but not so much anymore and it kills me. I want to feel him around, he was all i ever known, I keep asking God why did he do this.