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My bio father died 3 weeks ago unexpectedly of sepsis - we still do not know the initial cause. My stepfather died last year of long standing cancer. 


I am 39 and married w/o kids. 


I am having a hard time feeling much of anything. I have several siblings of different ages and we managed to clear his apartment and get custody of my youngest sibling taken care of. However I had a hard time feeling sad, crying, being happy or giving a darn about anything. 


I am currently typing this on my third day of being at home and not working ...at all. I have lost all motivation and got drunk two nights ago for the first time since he passed. I got drunk because I figured it was a godo way to feel something. Overall I don't drink very often because of past history w/ alcohol abuse as a younger person.  I knew halfway in that the liquor wasn't a good solution for me but carried out anyhow. 


The next day I was feeling ok and was finally able to acknowledge that I am feeling depressed. So I created a depression checklist _ get dressed, wash your skin, do your teeth , shave, exercise 1x a day; eat full meals 3x a day even if not hungry, clean, do cbd, gratitude, reach out etc. 


Part of the check list is being part of a grief group which is why I joined. 

I am trying to work through a list of work tasks and hope to be able to get this junk done!


I live in the midwest so traveling to pretty places in nature is hampered by bad winter storms. I am not looking forward to christmas and am finding myself short on empathy for my wife and everyone else in my life. I do feel bad for them and I do want to support them but I feel like my energy is running on E. 


But it's also an obligation and desire to be there for them. 


Oh well - one day at a time. 

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