Goldberry

[goldberry]

Hi, all.  Thank you for the presence and love offered here.  It's been almost 8 months (anniversary on Christmas day) since my husband of 20 plus happy years died in my arms of cancer.  I read the posts from those that are in the first days and weeks of your loss and my heart both goes out to you, and remembers that feeling like it was yesterday.  So much shock and pain and numbness I felt.  I walked around like a zombie.  And for three months wondered what could I possibly have to live for.  I found a journal entry that I wrote 34 days in and it said ' When I try to think if him being gone, my mind and heart just stop' Frozen. My husband died beautifully, and calmly; and I was able to bury him on my property and create a garden around his grave.  I know that makes me lucky.  Many stories I read are about not having the time to process the loss.  We had seven years and we got to talk about death, and tell each other we loved each other a thousand times a day.  Blessed, we were.  But I did think that meant I was somewhat prepared for his death.  We plan, God laughs, I guess.  There is NO preparation for that absence.

So now it's many months later.  And I wonder what you all who are further down the road have to say about having trouble remembering your lives together?  I feel mad and scared and desperate that I don't recall the day to day, except for the days before he died which are crystal clear.  I panic that I can't hear his voice so easily though I do remember the feeling of being hugged.  I have spent the last four months trying to be grateful for our intense love, and distracting myself with other people and work. I even have a new relationship where I thought my heart was dead. That's a whole new post as there are days like today when I can't believe I'm expending the energy that I do have on someone else, and think it may be delusional and only distracting from the awful, endless devastation that Les is gone. We had a spiritual belief in an energetic connection so I expected to feel him, and I don't so much.  No dreams.  Anyone have anything to help me to understand this??  Why can't I remember the details of my life with this MSN that I adored, made me laugh, made me feel cocoons in love and safety and joy and spiritual union?? Help!

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, goldberry said:

It's been almost 8 months (anniversary on Christmas day) since my husband of 20 plus happy years died in my arms of cancer.

My heart goes out to you, this is pain we never forget!  We do learn eventually how to carry our grief inside us, but definitely not any time soon...it takes time, for me it took a good full three years to just "process my grief,"  I still hadn't found purpose or rebuilt my life.  For all of us it's unique, our timelines vary, it takes what it takes.  II am glad you found your way here, you're not part of a grief group that will listen, care, understand.  We're here for you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[I miss you so much]

Hello Goldberry. I've just read your post and I think how fortunate you are. Please, hope you understand why I say this.

My partner died last August, he also had a cancer, the sort of "quick" ones. We had a year and I wasn't able to talk to him about death. I think I even wasn't able to talk to myself of his death... I was in fact hopeful, I thought we would find a way, he wasn't go to die, he simply couldn't die...As a result, we didn't prepare his death, his final wishes and so.

I was with him when he died. He was in a sort of coma. But he didn't die in a calm way. When I realize he was about stopping breathing, I started crying and asking him to stay with me, to find a way to stay with me if he loved me, I cried and begged him not to go, to stay with me, to find a way to live, a miracle.

I didn't weep the first weeks. But some time after, I watched the film "The fountain".  I had heard about this film from time to time in the past and I always said to myself : "I have to watch it"; But we had never watched it.

So the day I finally watched, I started crying and weeping, because, to my astonishment, it was me, and him, and our final year together, and our last moment together...

I think you are fortunate because you could prepare, both of you, for it. Because he left in peace. And because you could bury him in your garden, close to you.

In my case, that what I had always dream of, for me. And I guess he would also have liked it. He was a gardener.

So what you tell about the way your husband has been buried, it was a dream for us.

The law in France makes this near impossible,  but we made furthermore a terrible mistake : never got married.

So her daughter appeared in scene the three last weeks before his death and I could do nothing. He was with morphine.

Her daughter declared him indigent so as not to have to pay for burying him, even if I wanted to take him in charge and bury him in Spain, when we had always wanted to end our days.

So he was buried in an indigent square. I couldn't protect him, I couldn't even assist to the ceremony. In fact, I got the information about where he was going to be buried by a third person. His daughter and "family" had given instructions to keep it secret.

When I read your post, I think that in some way, you're both are fortunate.

*****************************************

Now, talking about what you tell in your post, I feel quite the same concerning what I remember. I have many traumatic memories of the last months, of the last weeks.  But then, apart from some travels, I hardly have memories of our life together, our daily life. Too little memories...

And I can hardly remember how it was hugging him, kissing him.

I feel lately as if I had only invented him in my mind.

[goldberry]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that you lost your chance to bury your love in a way that was more true to your lives together.  My heart goes out to you❤ Family can be so cruel in these times.  And that the cancer took him in this way.  I know what you mean about just hoping some miracle would come.  I think because we had seven years, we got to move through the wishing and finally arrive at peace when they told us 4 months before that nothing else could have been done.  Believe me, if he'd have died that first year I would most likely have been as distraught and begging him not to go as you were.  Like I say, I really know in my heart how blessed we both were.  I was in denial even as I saw him wasting away, right up to that four month reality check.  His cancer is very rare and little known so I kept thinking that that would mean he'd be rare and not die from it.  And because I am a therapist I know that the lack of memory is probably our brains protecting us from having the whole cascade of loving memories come back, and drown us before we can even remember how to breathe again

. So, what I can say for both if our sakes is: the love is and was real.  You didn't invent him.  And every kiss and hug and smile is still there, just waiting for the wound to heal enough for us to be able to handle it and still be in this world without them.

 

I have not heard of The Fountain but will now go and seek it out.  Maybe you can still make him a garden, full of his essence and the beauty of your love one day when you feel strong enough.  Sending you love that you are not alone

[BohoKat]

On 12/14/2022 at 9:20 PM, goldberry said:

So now it's many months later.  And I wonder what you all who are further down the road have to say about having trouble remembering your lives together? 

Dear Goldberry,

For me it has been 20 months, and I curse the days slipping by where I cannot remember the love of my life, my soulmate. We were married 32 years—think of all those memories. I had a period of numbness that started soon after the first anniversary of his passing and lasted several months where not only could I not remember I could not feel anything either. It was like a block of ice around my heart.

A friend had recommended getting out the photo albums, but that didn’t really help me. I had noticed I had been listening to certain music and that would spark memories. So if you have a music streaming service like Spotify or even just YouTube, you can make a list fairly easily. I have a playlist called “Mark, I Miss You” that includes songs of loss that touch me and songs that we enjoyed listening to together especially on the road (we lived mostly in Texas, you put down a lot of miles just running errands). Maybe that would help. <hugs>
Peace, BohoKat 

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, BohoKat said:

I had been listening to certain music and that would spark memories.

Yes, music is tied to our soul, reaching into the recesses of our heart and mind in ways no other can...

[AJ4]

I have spent a lot of time and effort on remembering.  I was utterly terrified that I would forget things.  Looking at photos.  Writing stories about him down in my journal. Watching the few videos I have of him on endless repeat. Singing songs that he loved.  Talking to people about things he used to do as the thoughts  come up.  For example, if people at work are talking about their boyfriend/husbands funny quirks or annoying habits I'll say "my husband used to do such and such."  They mostly all knew him.   It doesn't matter to me if they feel uncomfortable.  I just need to not pretend he never existed.  

At first I didn't have any dreams about him at all.  But I did later.  That was both comforting and agonizing (when I woke up).   

[KayC]

3 hours ago, AJ4 said:

That was both comforting and agonizing (when I woke up). 

Yes, been there, but I rarely dream about George, I don't know why, although now it's because I take sleeping pills, but for many many years I did not.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

although now it's because I take sleeping pills

I've noticed that if I take a sleeping pill or some heavy pain medication I rarely dream of my wife. I guess they knock me out so bad. I had a dream of her this morning ( most of my dreams of her are in the morning), she had on a white robe and seemed even taller than me. Of course we hugged and kissed, then I woke up and for a split second I thought she was still here. The physical part of the dream was so real, just like when she was alive. I miss that so much.

[KayC]

I'm glad you still get them.  They can be hard to wake up and find them gone but the price to pay for having them back once again for a few minutes.