How do you get through the 1st anniversary?

[TGold]

Hi, I’m new here. My husband died of a result of injuries sustained during a plane crash.  We were very much in love.  I don’t get comfort from spending time with friends.  The rituals and all holidays this year, I haven’t acknowledged.  I don’t know who I am without him.  My world.  I feel numb, foggy, my weight has plummeted. I see a therapist weekly and she’s great.  How did you get through it?  I don’t think by any means this one anniversary will end and life will go on.  I feel after all the shock and numbness has worn off that this is just opening Pandora’s box with a world of even more pain about to smack me head on.  Have any of you experienced this?

[Jemiga70]

I am so sorry for your loss, @TGold .  It's crushing. Just crushing.  Everything you said, I've experienced.  The fog, numbness, weight loss, loss of identity, ignoring the holidays.  I particularly despise December b/c my wedding anniversary is this month and also of course Christmas. Like last year, I've nothing to celebrate.  My 2nd year has been worse than the first.  I don't say that to make you feel bad or to suggest that is what you will experience.  I am just being honest about my situation. You asked how one gets through this.  I am not through it.  I'm in it.  And I dont know when the sharp edges of sadness and loneliness will become less stinging. I hope one day there will be less pain, but I cant see how (at least today I cant).  I'm sure others on this forum will chime in soon with their thoughts.  All the best to you and please take care,

[KayC]

13 hours ago, TGold said:

Hi, I’m new here. My husband died of a result of injuries sustained during a plane crash.  We were very much in love.  I don’t get comfort from spending time with friends.  The rituals and all holidays this year, I haven’t acknowledged.  I don’t know who I am without him.  My world.  I feel numb, foggy, my weight has plummeted. I see a therapist weekly and she’s great.  How did you get through it?  I don’t think by any means this one anniversary will end and life will go on.  I feel after all the shock and numbness has worn off that this is just opening Pandora’s box with a world of even more pain about to smack me head on.  Have any of you experienced this?

I am so sorry, it's the hardest thing in the world, I remember when I went through it, he died on Father's Day (which seemed like a cruel joke...my XH actually called me early the next morning and chewed me out for "ruining his Father's Day" because my daughter canceled her plans to go to the hospital and pick me up!  I told him if it happened to him I would bring him a handmade card and a casserole and tell him how sorry I am...but no, as fate would have it, he still has his wife after these last 17 1/2 years!

You ask how people get through this...after making it through July 4, Labor Day (big in our family), my bdy, TG, Christmas, NY, Valentine's, I major rebelled when it came to Easter!  I told my kids I'm treating it like any other day, not going to church, not having a big dinner!  The next Sunday I fixed them a big dinner and no one mentioned Easter.  His bdy is five days before he died so I had my father's death day and my husband George's bdy, Father's Day/George's deathaversary to get through at once.

I do remember writing messages to him and putting into balloons to release to him on the deathaversary.  They popped and came back to me!  It gave me a laugh as I figured it was just like George!  Somehow I got through the day, no one visited or anything, I was on my own with it, and with everything.  Like after the first year they think your mourning is over?  No.  I carry it with me, inside of me.  It's easier to handle in much time, but never "easy."  It changes who you are and you're well aware of how your life would be "if only..."

I am very glad you found this place, it's like a family, from all over the world, all in our grief.  it doesn't end..

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[TGold]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, it's the hardest thing in the world, I remember when I went through it, he died on Father's Day (which seemed like a cruel joke...my XH actually called me early the next morning and chewed me out for "ruining his Father's Day" because my daughter canceled her plans to go to the hospital and pick me up!  I told him if it happened to him I would bring him a handmade card and a casserole and tell him how sorry I am...but no, as fate would have it, he still has his wife after these last 17 1/2 years!

You ask how people get through this...after making it through July 4, Labor Day (big in our family), my bdy, TG, Christmas, NY, Valentine's, I major rebelled when it came to Easter!  I told my kids I'm treating it like any other day, not going to church, not having a big dinner!  The next Sunday I fixed them a big dinner and no one mentioned Easter.  His bdy is five days before he died so I had my father's death day and my husband George's bdy, Father's Day/George's deathaversary to get through at once.

I do remember writing messages to him and putting into balloons to release to him on the deathaversary.  They popped and came back to me!  It gave me a laugh as I figured it was just like George!  Somehow I got through the day, no one visited or anything, I was on my own with it, and with everything.  Like after the first year they think your mourning is over?  No.  I carry it with me, inside of me.  It's easier to handle in much time, but never "easy."  It changes who you are and you're well aware of how your life would be "if only..."

I am very glad you found this place, it's like a family, from all over the world, all in our grief.  it doesn't end..

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

@KayC and @Jemiga70, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experiences and I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through this pain, it’s so unfair.  It’s such a relief to hear the truth…finally…about the 2nd year and years to come.  I feel like our society is obsessed with happiness and when friends say the year of firsts is the hardest and then it gets easier, they don’t know. Tonight was the last night we would talk before his crash tomorrow morning.  The last night I’d ever hear his voice.  It seems so unbelievable. This whole year, I’ve felt as if I’ve been  blindfolded, constantly running into sharp edges that leave me in gut wrenching pain.  Experiencing things coupled take for granted like shopping down their spouse’s aisles in grocery stores. I use Instacart now because I can’t endure a half filled cart.  Randomly digging through a glove box, only to realize one is his.  Checking in when you land somewhere.  The noise - the sound of the football game on TV, the constant talking through the day,  The silence is torture.   He was a true gentleman.  He liked to open my car door or jam into a revolving door meant for one person.  He would stand up half way when I had to leave the table and I’d come back to my napkin folded neater than it was to begin with.  He’s shoot me a smile knowing as I would back. I loved this and he knew it.  We lived to make each other happy. I don’t want to let go of the pain - eventually I’d like the edges to dull, but the grief will never go away.  @KayC, I laughed when you wrote about the balloons, that is so something that would happen to me.  I’m grateful to both of you for opening up to me and I wish you as much peace as time goes on.  Sending a big virtual hug.

Please excuse some typos, I’m very tired.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/14/2022 at 9:41 PM, TGold said:

Hi, I’m new here. My husband died of a result of injuries sustained during a plane crash. [...]  Have any of you experienced this?

Hello TGold,

I'm sorry for your loss. The circumstances of your husband's death -- a plane crash -- I don't know if most other people will ever get it, the questions that will remain unanswered for you.

They will understand your sense of loneliness, and 'fogginess', and shock and numbness. But your sense of "WTFness"? No, not a lot of people experience that.

It's like. I try to be really sensitive to the ones who have lost their loved one to some type of cancer or got weirdly/randomly hit by a bus or truck or car. But. dying from Earth because of a plane is different, isn't it? Really quite unusual or not that many deaths are due to a plane crash. (Now, some mathematician/statistician is, perhaps, going to come along and give us the stats about plane crashes and plane deaths.)     But I'm not talking about maths and stats, right now.

I'm sorry TGold, for your loss. I hope...maybe you'll get some answers that make sense for you so that you'll feel some inner understanding and peace.

I have, yes, experienced this type of 'weird' death of my beloved partner. It wasn't cancer or Covid. I was am more effed-up because it wasn't/isn't so "easy" to understand or explain, as that. Other people don't get it, really, when we can't even get it, our self.

[KayC]

@TGold  My husband was also a gentleman, I miss those niceties.  I feel a surge in my heart for him...

Praying you make your way through today!

[TGold]

Please excuse some typos, I’m very tired.

[TGold]

@Ronni_W, thank you.  There is. I better way to describe it as WTFness. So many unanswered questions, even if they were, I don’t think the closure would help me.  It seems so simple, I just want him to come home.  I’m sorry that yours was a result of a tragic unexpected loss.  There is something very wrong about it  that I can’t articulate into words.  

[Mama_Bear_11]

My anniversary is also coming up. It would have been 22 years. My brain can't even go there. I bought myself a final anniversary present, knowing he would have wanted me to and I put it on my dresser to open on the day. In all the pain of the last 2 months, this one is the sharpest.

[KayC]

That sounds a good way to deal with it, you've been through much.  Thinking of you and holding you in prayer, you're a good person, I can tell from your first post, you're amazing.  (((hugs)))

[Ronni_W]

On 12/16/2022 at 5:23 PM, TGold said:

@Ronni_W, thank you.  There is. I better way to describe it as WTFness. So many unanswered questions, even if they were, I don’t think the closure would help me.  It seems so simple, I just want him to come home.  I’m sorry that yours was a result of a tragic unexpected loss.  There is something very wrong about it  that I can’t articulate into words.  

Dear TGold,

Thank you, for that! I think you're the first person to actually say that, (the part that I 'bolded"), to me. (Others may have thought/felt it, but haven't said it 'out loud' to me. Maybe one or some of them will, some day. Or also, maybe not.)

For me also there aren't enough words that my English vocabulary knows, to be able to properly articulate my experience, nor my thoughts and feelings, nor my ideas, hopes, beliefs and dreams (and nightmares!) about all of it.

The whole idea/concept of "closure". I don't know who got rich off of it, but I'm more and more thinking that it's just a BS idea/concept that someone hit upon, and got rich off of, without it being actually very helpful or meaningful. (When I go to think along the lines of "What will bring me 'closure'?" "What do I want, or hope for or dream for, when I say I want "closure"?" ... )

I've also been carrying this sense of "something is very wrong about" this whole effin' event and situation and how things played themselves out. Then I go, it's "unfair"? It's "unreasonable"? It's "illogical"? It's "unjust". (They "deserved better"!) That is, me trying to figure-out and come to terms with what is the "wrong" part about it; about how their life on Earth ended. All of it -- unfair, unreasonable, illogical and unjust -- and none of that. (At least with some kind of chronic or incurable disease or illness, or more-or-less "understandable" accident -- even however unusual and unexpected -- there's still a part that we can grab onto, for it to make a bit of 'logical sense'. No words. I also have no words, yet (if ever).

And then there are other people who are bothering me, because they do not yet get where I am, but nevertheless want to be seen as knowing every single layer of every single element and aspect of grief, loss and mourning. (Professional "grief experts" as well as self-defined grief experts.) But some grief just isn't just so easy as these ones know, or think they know, or want to think-believe they know, or simply are already familiar with. They don't get it that they don't at all yet get it. Actually really, it'd be terribly funny, really terribly funny, if it wasn't just so terribly sad!)

Love and hugs, to you TGold. I wish I had some words, some vocabulary, to articulate to you that it's okay for us to feel how we feel, and it's okay if we don't at all yet have any clear vision or path or way to see how we're going to move forward. I think...we probably will move forward, minute by minute. And it's okay to just take it minute by minute. I think. At least, I hope.

Again, love and hugs to you. And Strength and Comfort, and all things that we need to just get through just our next minute. Ronni

Edited December 18, 2022 by Ronni_W
Spellinks and clarifications.

[TGold]

On 12/17/2022 at 1:29 PM, Mama_Bear_11 said:

My anniversary is also coming up. It would have been 22 years. My brain can't even go there. I bought myself a final anniversary present, knowing he would have wanted me to and I put it on my dresser to open on the day. In all the pain of the last 2 months, this one is the sharpest.

@Mama_Bear_11 I love that you did that for yourself with the gift.  My first death anniversary was yesterday and I just checked out.  Besides going to the cemetery, I played with my pups.  For me, when friends are insisting I come out, and my gut thinks it’s a bad idea. It’s always ended in disaster.  My brain was just numb, I didn’t cry the entire day but I feel like my brain was protecting me. If I went too deep it would have been excruciatingly painful.  As others have encouraged me, do what feels best for you.  It’s the best advice and it helped me feel validated. I’m glad I found this forum and I’m deeply sorry for your loss.  

[Ronni_W]

TGold, you got through the first anniversary of the death of. Virtual big hugs. I want to say "congrats" on doing it your own way and being strong enough to not let other people sway or persuade you to do it their way instead of how you wanted to do it. But, for me, it would not so much of a "congrats". as a "something else", for which I have no words. So, I guess, the best I can offer is "congrats to you for that for which I have no words". <'Extremely-weak-smile' emoji.> I can't see the actual emoji for this exact feeling.   It all just sucks, and the closer to this "holly, jolly and merry festive season", the more it sucks. In my experience. For me also, I try to protect myself, as best I can, to not go so deep as I'll start crying and just never be able to stop crying. It's like I'm always having to hold my breath without actually holding my breath, Everything in my mind and physical body all tight and tense, all the time. "Happy, holly and jolly festive festive, and peaceful and prosperous new year."  And I'm then expected to reply, "Oh, thanks so much...and the same to you!"

Good lawd. How effin' negative and pessimistic have I become? No wonder I don't even want to put my own self onto my still-living loved ones!

But still. We do get through these anniversaries one at a time. We really do!

[TGold]

@Ronni_W it is just unfair and I don’t have the words to do it justice either. It’s deeply wrong - the natural order of life and death is off. You say goodbye to your spouse one day as normal and then that’s it. It’s over, and your loved one is suddenly gone. As yes his soul and memories will be with me forever, but it’s not enough.  I know people can’t understand this, just like I can’t understand their experiences, it’s so individual. I’d rather them just be honest and say I don’t understand or admit they’re fumbling through it than hear something people just don’t k ow - they don’t know if next year will be easier, and I’d rather them just be honest than try and say something prophetic.  They are uncomfortable with me saying i want to feel this grief, I don’t strive to be cheerful.  I am where I am.
 

I listed to a great audiobook by Megan Devine called “It’s OK not to be OK”. It’s the only grief book that has resonated with me - it also gives helpful tips on how your support system can help you.  I highly highly recommend it.  
 

I wish you so much strength.  I wish none of us had to go through this, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life but I’m tackling it.  Giving myself grace doesn’t come naturally, but I’m learning how for self preservation.  Hang in there.  I woke up this morning and found my little boy taking over the role of man of the house. 

 

 

 

 

[Ronni_W]

TGold, you did make me laff, with your pic of your new 'man of your house'! When my dad died, I became that (not really voluntarily), and I'd just turned 13, and I'm not even of male gender. I also don't have a "support system" to speak of. I also think that there is something off with how things are playing out on Earth. Something WAY off, about that. I can most definitely say that it is not that I *want* to feel my grief as much as I am going to have to feel it, and it is going to 'drop' itself on me when it wants to and not when it is convenient for me or the few people who I can still count as my "support system".

I do love your pic, though -- all snuggly and comfy and toasty and white. I think that the most important thing is for each of us to know where we are -- as you say you know where you are. Then the lists and platitudes and cliches of others have less of a chance of making us feel guilty or wrong for where we are.     Love'n hugs, Ronni

[TGold]

I just want to say how awesome all of you are. No one understands this grief unless you’ve lived through it. Reading and rereading your posts really helped me get through this first anniversary. I can't thank you enough, and I'm here for all of you as well ♥️