Forgetting, Just for a Moment

[MichaelR]

It's been about seven weeks since I lost my wife and soulmate.   It continues to be very hard making it through each day without her.  To say I miss her would not even come close to describing how I feel throughout the day.   She is on my mind almost constantly with everything I do, and wherever I go.    

Usually, when I wake in the morning I am aware she is not there in our bed beside me.  It's not a happy way to start the day.  I have to take a few deep breaths and force myself to get up and face another day without her.   Mornings are especially hard.  This morning though was particularly difficult.  

This morning when I woke and opened my eyes, I looked over to her side of the bed.  and saw she was not there.  My thoughts turned immediately to whether she had arisen from bed for some reason, and where she might be.  Then just as quickly my mind was jolted back to reality.  It was almost like experiencing the news of her passing all over again, and feeling the life sucked out of me once again.  For a few seconds I had actually . . . forgotten.

There are definitely frequent times during the day when circumstances or surroundings remind me of her absence.   But it's not as if I've forgotten.  This morning, though, I did actually forget - just for a few seconds -  and the return to reality was painful.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. Those early days are the hardest for sure. Hold on. I won't say it ever becomes a picnic, but it does get much, much more manageable. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, MichaelR said:

This morning when I woke and opened my eyes, I looked over to her side of the bed.  and saw she was not there.  My thoughts turned immediately to whether she had arisen from bed for some reason, and where she might be.  Then just as quickly my mind was jolted back to reality.  It was almost like experiencing the news of her passing all over again, and feeling the life sucked out of me once again.  For a few seconds I had actually . . . forgotten.

This happened to me as well.  For months, in those moments between sleep and waking, I'd forget he wasn't next to me, warm and cozy together.  And then I'd be awake and remember.  I think it's not uncommon.

Over time, those forgetting times faded, though once in a while, my heart will forget and I'll roll or reach over only to find his side of the bed cold and empty.  It gets easier as we become used to the changes.  My grief has definitely evolved as I've learned to carry it as part of my life, not the "everything" it was at first.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, MichaelR said:

Then just as quickly my mind was jolted back to reality.

Yes, I went through this too, forgetting for a moment and then the jolt back to my new reality...it's hard hitting, slams us!

I don't go through that anymore, as my subconscious is quite aware he is gone, but oh those first few months...

My heart goes out to you. 

[BohoKat]

Dear MichaelR, 

My heart goes out to you, that experience when you “forget” suddenly that your loved one is truly gone and then have that jerk back to reality. Being in the early weeks of your grief is hard enough even without those experiences.

I lost my husband and soulmate in May 2021. I still find myself looking around for him. There is a great song called “When We Fall Apart” by Ryan Stevenson that says “sometimes I still catch myself trying to call your phone.” It always makes me cry.

We were together 32 years. I try to remember I spent more of my life with him than without, so disturbing as those times are they are just natural parts of my brain skipping a beat because it really is hard to accept the reality that your love is no longer with you.

The upcoming holidays are going to be extra hard. Take care of yourself. <hugs>
Peace, BohoKat 

[TGold]

Im so sorry, you’ve articulated this better than I could have. I am a terrible sleeper and my husband would spoon me every night which made me fall asleep.  Waking up next to him was so soothing and nice.  To have your loved one ripped away is intensely difficult.  I was living like he was coming home - at any point he’d walk through the door, probably still on a work call while I’d pour him a cold beer.  I experienced everything you’ve expressed to a T - it’s gut wrenching, especially when you’ve forgotten for a moment and the reality just comes back to bite you. We always made the bed together and to wake up next to his side still perfectly tucked in was extremely painful.  Eventually I got used to my now lonely bed, but the pain remains.  Thank you for sharing, and I hope you’re able to find some peace but please be kind to yourself.  These are early days, The loss comes with so many layers. It’s like peeling a never ending orange skin. Nothing I can say will bring her back, but I just wanted to add some validation for what you’re experiencing.  Please take care of yourself as best you can.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry...our bed was a reminder of his absence, it was always the best place in the world to be in his arms...now I sleep in our loveseat recliner, worn out, broken, but still comfortable after 21 years...will keep it as long as I can.

[Gail 8588]

MichaelR,

I had these momentary brain glitches for years. Usually I would want to tell him something or ask him something. For just a moment my brain would be processing information as if he was still alive. Then bam, there would be the jolt of reality, I can't call him to tell him, I can't ask him about it tonight. Pain and sadness came with that recognition. 

It's been almost 6 years now, and those glitches don't happen any more for me.  Now days, I pretty much have a running dialog with his spirit all day.  I share my thoughts, worries, discoveries with him all the time.  I just no longer have that momentary brain glitch that he is physically around somewhere just absent from my sight.

Gail

[steveb1]

I think that momentary brain glitch gives your brain/heart a break from all the pain and anguish we are suffering.  As Gail mentioned, the jolt of reality can be painful though.