I regret putting my dog down at the vets instead of at home

[Hales]

December 2nd, 2022 was the worst day of my life. It's been just over a week and I keep replaying that day in my head over and over. I cry every morning and every night, feeling numb during the day.

My 13.5 year old Siberian Husky, my best friend, Alaska Fantastica, was full of cancer and was getting progressively worse. Her intestines were also twisted and her spleen was pushed down from all the inflammation. She didn't want to come inside, was vomiting, had diarrhea, stopped eating. I knew it was time to say goodbye as keeping her alive was selfish, I didn't want to let her go. 

I considered at home euthanasia but decided to go to the vets for the procedure instead. I didn't think I would be able to hand looking at the spot in my small apartment everyday if I did it at home. Now I think that was selfish - but its too late.

She had been to the vets office before and they had a nice room with a couch and dog bed where they perform the procedure. It was the same room where I first learned that my baby girl was very sick. It was quiet the day I learned of her illness.

The staff was kind the day I put her to sleep, but the office was not quiet - its a small building. There was a dog barking in the background, phone ringing, and staff talking behind closed doors. It took everything I had not to scream out "Shut up everyone!" but I did not want to scare my dog. I wish I would have stopped everything and took her back home, but that didn't cross my mind at the time. The vet did sincerely apologies for the noise, and I could see she felt bad.

They sedated her, but the first shot didn't put her to sleep and they needed a second one. It broke my heart to see her getting poked by these needles. She fought to stand up and had an accident on the floor. This killed me. Finally, the vet gave her the final shot to stop her heart. I still can't get the vision of her lifeless body laying on the floor. I just kept crying and saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you."

How do I forgive myself for putting her through that? I wish I would have done this procedure at home. If I could go back I would have. But I can't go back, I can't change anything. How do I let this go? She was my first dog, and it sounds silly, but she was the love of my life. I had her since I was 21 years old all the way to 34. I want her back so bad. 

Thank you for reading. I love you Alaska. 

 

[KayC]

They commonly do two shots, one to take away the pain, the next to put them to sleep.  They botched my dog's, their scale was off so they under anesthetized him and he went out in severe pain.  He also had cancer, untreatable.  Mine was a Husky/Golden Retriever.  I miss him still!  Your dog is beautiful!  My favorite dog.  I have a Klee Kai now, a miniature Husky.  I've had severe hand injuries, 14 of them, half of them major.

I'll post my dog's story...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

Thinking of you as you go through this and wishing you peace and comfort.  My heart goes out to you...the hardest thing in the world to go through.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Hales said:

How do I forgive myself for putting her through that? I wish I would have done this procedure at home. If I could go back I would have. But I can't go back, I can't change anything. How do I let this go? She was my first dog, and it sounds silly, but she was the love of my life.

Welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through this loss and grief. Your Alaska Fantastica is beautiful.  What adventures you must have shared and what a wonderful life you gave her.

How you forgive yourself is to accept that you did what you thought was right and you made the best decisions you could at the time and with what you knew.  You forgive yourself by realizing that every act, every moment, was done out of love.  Your girl left for the Rainbow Bridge surrounded by your love and care.  That's everything; it really is.  You and she shared her lifetime of joys, silly memories, comfort in sad times, and everything in between.  It is a gift that our animal companions give us freely:  Unconditional acceptance, loyalty, friendship, and love.  And so to my final thoughts about this question.  Our beloved pets share all of themselves with us with no pretense.  Why shouldn't it be true that their forgiveness of our imperfections and self-perceived mistakes would be unconditional and immediate?  It is what I believe to be true, in part because I can't bear to think that our imperfections follow them beyond this world and into the next.

No, you can't go back and change anything.  None of us can.  And most of us feel guilt that we couldn't save those we loved most in the world.  As if, if we had just done this or not done that they would still be here with us, or in your case, that her passing would have been easier at home.  Unfortunately, that's not a possibility.  You couldn't know what you didn't know.  Our wonderful member KayC sometimes reminds us that feelings aren't facts.  Just because we feel guilty doesn't mean we are.  You are guilty of nothing more than doing your best for your sweet girl.  Believe me, she knows you love her and she knows you didn't want her to go.  What you did for her was an act of selflessness.  You helped lift her up out of her pain and suffering, even though your heart is broken.

How you let this go is a tougher question in some ways and you may not like my answer.  The truth is that we don't let it go.  Over time and with support (especially people like the members here who truly understand), we slowly shift the way we feel and think.  We understand more; we accept the realities; we work on letting our guilty feelings evolve into what they should be, regret.  The stark reality is that your life will never be the same.  You will miss her all the days of your life.  There's no way around the grief journey you are starting now.  As you take steps forward, you will rediscover, reclaim I suppose, all the years of joy and love you shared.  They will mix in with the painful images and memories you're living with now.  It likely feels like an unbearable weight today.  Over time, that weight becomes easier to carry.

For now, just take it one day, one hour, at a time.  I know it's a cliche, but it's also true.

Finally for now, it does not sound silly at all that you would feel she was the love of your life.  A first pet is always special.  A first pet we bond with on a deeper level even more so.  We here understand those feelings in ways that others often do not or cannot (or even will not).  Please keep coming here to talk, read, and be part of this wonderful community.  You are not alone.

[KayC]

I called my last dog my "soulmate in a dog."  I understand your feeling she was the "love of your life."  She was/is, and just because you can't reach her now doesn't mean any of yours or her love is gone, you just can't show it now but you can in little ways.  I still talk to Arlie, I painted rocks for his grave, I tell him all the time how I miss him.  I hope he hears me.  At any rate I know he KNOWS how much I love him.

[Hales]

On 12/12/2022 at 12:09 AM, foreverhis said:

Welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through this loss and grief. Your Alaska Fantastica is beautiful.  What adventures you must have shared and what a wonderful life you gave her.

How you forgive yourself is to accept that you did what you thought was right and you made the best decisions you could at the time and with what you knew.  You forgive yourself by realizing that every act, every moment, was done out of love.  Your girl left for the Rainbow Bridge surrounded by your love and care.  That's everything; it really is.  You and she shared her lifetime of joys, silly memories, comfort in sad times, and everything in between.  It is a gift that our animal companions give us freely:  Unconditional acceptance, loyalty, friendship, and love.  And so to my final thoughts about this question.  Our beloved pets share all of themselves with us with no pretense.  Why shouldn't it be true that their forgiveness of our imperfections and self-perceived mistakes would be unconditional and immediate?  It is what I believe to be true, in part because I can't bear to think that our imperfections follow them beyond this world and into the next.

No, you can't go back and change anything.  None of us can.  And most of us feel guilt that we couldn't save those we loved most in the world.  As if, if we had just done this or not done that they would still be here with us, or in your case, that her passing would have been easier at home.  Unfortunately, that's not a possibility.  You couldn't know what you didn't know.  Our wonderful member KayC sometimes reminds us that feelings aren't facts.  Just because we feel guilty doesn't mean we are.  You are guilty of nothing more than doing your best for your sweet girl.  Believe me, she knows you love her and she knows you didn't want her to go.  What you did for her was an act of selflessness.  You helped lift her up out of her pain and suffering, even though your heart is broken.

How you let this go is a tougher question in some ways and you may not like my answer.  The truth is that we don't let it go.  Over time and with support (especially people like the members here who truly understand), we slowly shift the way we feel and think.  We understand more; we accept the realities; we work on letting our guilty feelings evolve into what they should be, regret.  The stark reality is that your life will never be the same.  You will miss her all the days of your life.  There's no way around the grief journey you are starting now.  As you take steps forward, you will rediscover, reclaim I suppose, all the years of joy and love you shared.  They will mix in with the painful images and memories you're living with now.  It likely feels like an unbearable weight today.  Over time, that weight becomes easier to carry.

For now, just take it one day, one hour, at a time.  I know it's a cliche, but it's also true.

Finally for now, it does not sound silly at all that you would feel she was the love of your life.  A first pet is always special.  A first pet we bond with on a deeper level even more so.  We here understand those feelings in ways that others often do not or cannot (or even will not).  Please keep coming here to talk, read, and be part of this wonderful community.  You are not alone.

Thank you very much for your response, it means a lot to me.

I am still hurting immensely. Waking up in the morning and coming home to an empty apartment is the worst, but like you said, one day at a time. 

It is comforting to know I am not alone and I appreciate people like yourself. I am grateful for this online community.

Thanks again,

Hales

[Pekewoman]

Please don't feel bad about not doing it at home. I made that mistake and the Vet never brought enough meds and it took 65 minutes for him to die, instead of a few seconds. Also, where he died is such a source of pain to me. In a clinic, they can handle any complications. This happened  in 2010 and I still recall the horror of it so, sometimes it's just meant to be. I recently lost my dog at the groomers and it wasn't their fault. He had a seizure and the Vet next door wouldn't treat him because he wasn't their client so the groomer tried to get him to my Vet but he died in the parking lot. He was 15 and gave no indication that he was sick that morning, in  fact just the opposite, he ate and seemed his normal self. It's been hell. He died 10 days before Christmas and I am a mess.

[Hales]

On 1/15/2023 at 3:04 AM, Pekewoman said:

Please don't feel bad about not doing it at home. I made that mistake and the Vet never brought enough meds and it took 65 minutes for him to die, instead of a few seconds. Also, where he died is such a source of pain to me. In a clinic, they can handle any complications. This happened  in 2010 and I still recall the horror of it so, sometimes it's just meant to be. I recently lost my dog at the groomers and it wasn't their fault. He had a seizure and the Vet next door wouldn't treat him because he wasn't their client so the groomer tried to get him to my Vet but he died in the parking lot. He was 15 and gave no indication that he was sick that morning, in  fact just the opposite, he ate and seemed his normal self. It's been hell. He died 10 days before Christmas and I am a mess.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry for your loss. That would be absolutely devastating. How have you been doing? They say time heels all wounds but I personally don't believe that. You just get used to the pain and find ways to keep going. That's how it is for me anyways. Sorry for not responding sooner. I hope you are doing OK. 

[KayC]

On 1/15/2023 at 12:04 AM, Pekewoman said:

Please don't feel bad about not doing it at home. I made that mistake and the Vet never brought enough meds and it took 65 minutes for him to die, instead of a few seconds. Also, where he died is such a source of pain to me. In a clinic, they can handle any complications. This happened  in 2010 and I still recall the horror of it so, sometimes it's just meant to be. I recently lost my dog at the groomers and it wasn't their fault. He had a seizure and the Vet next door wouldn't treat him because he wasn't their client so the groomer tried to get him to my Vet but he died in the parking lot. He was 15 and gave no indication that he was sick that morning, in  fact just the opposite, he ate and seemed his normal self. It's been hell. He died 10 days before Christmas and I am a mess.

I have no idea how I missed this post, so long ago!  I am sorry.  What you went through is truly horrific and beats mine by a long shot, although also horrific.  My heart goes out to you, what your baby was put through should never happen, mine neither.    II don't know how we move on from that except knowing they are finally at peace and happy and my guess is, no memory of what transpired.  It will be a joyous reunion the day we get to be together again!