I lost my grandmother, then my best friend: my dad.

[ThatHandsomeAngel]

hey. i'm brand new here. my name's ivan and i'm 20 years old. i'm an only child.

last night i found out my dad passed away. only two months after the passing of my grandmother, alone in my house, in my own bedroom, which i allowed him to stay in while i was away. he was only 45. he was taking care of my very ill grandparents for years. my grandpa passed first, in 2018, then my grandma october 1st, 2022... now him. my dad. my best friend. my pillar of guidance and wisdom. he and i were very close, closer than my mother and i, as my mom and i often had a very on and off strained relationship. he was my best friend. he was everything to me. he was my #1 supporter and always respected me for who i am, especially regarding me being LGBTQ+.

for some further context, i come from a level 3-4 hoarder house and was away with my mother for a few months. my ill grandma had become verbally abusive towards me and my dad was spiraling. my mental health had hit nearly rock bottom and i'd needed a break after enduring it for years. the house was barely habitable. any time i cleaned, within mere hours, my hard work would be undone. it was all in vain. so i went to my mother's after my grandma was admitted to the hospital – unbeknownst to me and my family – for the last time. i had been staying with my mother and her roommate hoping to receive aid in getting my ID, glasses/contacts and finally my license, as i have very poor eyesight as well and find it incredibly difficult to navigate the world. i was going to get a job to lend my dad a hand in keeping the house, as my grandma left us to basically pick up the pieces. we were 3 years behind on taxes. my dad wasn't allowed to have access to a license until 2024 due to a DUI incident a few years back, but that's an entire different story.

but now, i'm probably going to lose my home after this loss, as i have no ID, no income and there is no way i'd be able to afford to keep the lights on. my name isn't even on anything there. honestly, i'd rather not even live or step foot in that house of horrors again, especially not in the very room my dad died in. but i'm going to have to if i'm going to save my own things, my dad's, and my grandparents cherished belongings.

my dad suffered from hypertension, struggled with mental health (being a marine veteran) and had brain damage. he also was an alcoholic. i have no details of his death yet, as i only found out less than 24 hours ago. he'd been in there for 3-4 days. i knew something was wrong on monday when his phone went straight to voice mail. it was almost like a knot was pulled tight in my gut.

after a long battle with cops doing poor wellness checks and some haggling with the help of my mother, my uncle and a family friend from our church, they finally were able to get through to him... but in the worst way imaginable. my worst nightmare became a reality. my life has been turned upside down. i'm terrified for the funeral. that was my best friend. it's going to rip my already bleeding heart apart. i feel as if my entire former life was burnt up in flame behind me, and i'm the only survivor.

and after everything... i have no idea where to turn. i'm lost and afraid. i've sort of always been put off when it came to what i need, hence why i lack an ID, glasses/contacts and a license at the age of 20 years old. i've sort of been pushed into becoming co-dependent upon my parents. it's embarrassing and shameful for me, and i hate even admitting that. i feel like i am behind everyone my age, and now my one guide in life has passed on. i'm scared and i miss my best friend.

there's so much more to my story than just this post alone. not knowing where to turn, i'm just sort of putting my story out there in hopes of finding others in similar situations to communicate their words of wisdom to me right now. my dad was my pillar of guidance and had the answers to everything, but now i don't have that. i'd appreciate any tips, coping techniques or just words of wisdom in general. thank you for taking the time to read this if you have.

[SaucyPudding]

Hi there, your post stood out to me. I read it all and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt, my grandfather and then my mom, who was my best friend, all within three months this year. I too was very codependent on my parents growing up, and feel very lost and scared for a future without them. My father is still alive, but my mom was my person. I’m 35, so I’m not as young as you, my mother wasn’t as young as your father, I sympathize so deeply for you loosing them so soon. I can relate to the feeling of loosing somebody so important. My mom was my only friend. I spent a week in the hospital before she died, I had postpartum psychosis. The staff asked me if I had any friends or family I could talk to about my depression, and I embarrassingly had to tell them no, I don’t really have any friends, my mom was my only friend, and she was just diagnosed with dementia. I had a mental breakdown because I knew she was going to leave me soon. She died three days after I was released. It’s an awful, awful feeling. If I can say one thing that hopefully will help you, it’s do everything you can to honour your dads life. That includes being brave. Knowing that he is always a part of you, in your blood, remember how he would want you to be happy. He would want you to keep going and do whatever brings you happiness. I know it sounds sort of cliche and corny, but as a parent myself, I can say that is what I would want for my son if I should ever leave him. I would want him to celebrate my life and remember me. Parents think about it a lot. We fear this day so much. Your dad would want you to keep strong. Do whatever you can to make him proud, he is physically no longer here, but he will always live in your heart. It may take some time, it took a few months for me, but you will start to hear him. I don’t mean in the coo-coo hearing voices sort of way, but at times you will know that what you are doing is right, and that’s him guiding you. You’ll be ok kid. Big hugs from Canada. 
 

[ThatHandsomeAngel]

Quote

Hi there, your post stood out to me. I read it all and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt, my grandfather and then my mom, who was my best friend, all within three months this year. I too was very codependent on my parents growing up, and feel very lost and scared for a future without them. My father is still alive, but my mom was my person. I’m 35, so I’m not as young as you, my mother wasn’t as young as your father, I sympathize so deeply for you loosing them so soon. I can relate to the feeling of loosing somebody so important. My mom was my only friend. I spent a week in the hospital before she died, I had postpartum psychosis. The staff asked me if I had any friends or family I could talk to about my depression, and I embarrassingly had to tell them no, I don’t really have any friends, my mom was my only friend, and she was just diagnosed with dementia. I had a mental breakdown because I knew she was going to leave me soon. She died three days after I was released. It’s an awful, awful feeling. If I can say one thing that hopefully will help you, it’s do everything you can to honour your dads life. That includes being brave. Knowing that he is always a part of you, in your blood, remember how he would want you to be happy. He would want you to keep going and do whatever brings you happiness. I know it sounds sort of cliche and corny, but as a parent myself, I can say that is what I would want for my son if I should ever leave him. I would want him to celebrate my life and remember me. Parents think about it a lot. We fear this day so much. Your dad would want you to keep strong. Do whatever you can to make him proud, he is physically no longer here, but he will always live in your heart. It may take some time, it took a few months for me, but you will start to hear him. I don’t mean in the coo-coo hearing voices sort of way, but at times you will know that what you are doing is right, and that’s him guiding you. You’ll be ok kid. Big hugs from Canada. 

thank you so much for sharing your experience and your advice. seriously. i am also so sorry for your loss.

i don't have many friends either, at least not IRL. i have around 4-5 friends maximum, but they're all in different places around the country and the world. my only friend in this state with me works a full-time job, so it's hard to get in touch with them. which is another reason why it hurts so much. i spent most of my time hanging out with my dad, especially in our old backyard. he had this really nice little area set up by the big tree back there, and we'd always discuss how our days went, especially when he returned home from his old job.

recently i have been in touch with the only family member remaining on my dad's side, my uncle, and we've been making big plans to honor his life and his funeral. we plan to reference my dad's favorite movie, and even go on trips to his favorite places to plant some of his ashes over the next few years together. i've also been job searching, looking for data entry jobs as recommended by my uncle, so when i finally am able to get my ID i can begin to get on my feet. i plan to move out of state at some point to live with my partner, as they're the only other person closest to me that "gets" me besides my dad.

all in all, i'm trying my best to hold it together and pursue through this, especially for him. it's hard, but i'm remaining strong and trying to be brave, too. just like he would.

your words really have stuck with me a lot. i'll definitely keep this in the back of my mind going forward. hearing this from someone in a similar boat to me, especially another parent, really helps me a lot. i cannot thank you enough. i feel less alone in this new endeavor in life.

sending big hugs from the U.S. 🫂🤍