I remember....

[Roxeanne]

I remember these days with him....tomorrow here in Milan  is the Patron Saint Day... And the 8 of dicember is holiday too! I am not too much a believer but holidays were a chance to do things together....a life with him which i miss a lot!!!

  We went to an ancient fair of toys and handcrafts that in Milan is a tradition of centuries, or we went to the lake of Como to see expositions of nativity scenes from all over Italy!

Without forgetting to find a good little restaurant...we liked eat and drink well!

I like nativity scenes too, maybe 'cos remind me of my beloved mother...

My mom made for us when we were children, the nativity scene that her father did for her and her sisters....and for me it was l'incanto, the enchantement of  magical winter nights..and the feeling to be safe, to be loved!

With him the wonder to love and be loved highlighted the powerful emotion to be alive!!

I think at those days now with immense regret, and even if i am aware that the life with him was a great gift of life.... i can't help to think that it was the life, the full life, the beautiful tender emotional exciting feeling to live....

 

 

 

[Sparky1]

Wow Roxeanne, the emotions in your post brought tears to my eyes. Every single day I think about the things my wife and I used to do together, the places we went to, and even though the memories are good, they are bittersweet memories. All those things can't be done on one's own, it's just not the same. I miss all that too, even as Christmas approaches which will make things even harder then they are already. My father used to work in Milan when I was born, southern Italy has always been known as a poorer region with hardly any work, that's why we all came here when I was very young. Many hugs to you Roxeanne.

[Ronni_W]

Roxeanne and Sparky1,

I really don't have any words to say anything. But I have 'feelings' that each of you has, and both of you have, helped to..."inspire" in me, I guess is the best word that comes to me at the minute, for what I'm feeling.

I wish it could all be different for each of you. And for both of you.

Thank you for sharing.  Ronni

PS: Not my words, but the title and lyrics of a song by 'The Verve':   "Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life..."

[KayC]

We all carry our memories, to me they are a lifetime ago, now I'm growing old d(or already there) without him.  Sometimes life feels like a cruel joke, yet I try to make the best of each day, even if it's far removed from the life we had and shared.  I'm thankful for that time.

[Roxeanne]

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

the memories are good, they are bittersweet memories. All those things can't be done on one's own, it's just not the same.

That's it Sparky....memories brings also sadness...

"Un gusto un po' amaro di giorni perduti" as an italian song says...

And no it's not the same without them...i enjoy the same things i did with him but there is a dark light around..someone is miss!

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My father used to work in Milan when I was born

Yes i know....many people of the south came in Milan to work...it was very hard for them! Many went overseas...

Warm hugs to you my friend💕

[Roxeanne]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

We all carry our memories, to me they are a lifetime ago, now I'm growing old d(or already there) without him.  Sometimes life feels like a cruel joke, yet I try to make the best of each day, even if it's far removed from the life we had and shared.  I'm thankful for that time.

That's right Kay! I can't say it better...it's just that sometimes i am overwhelming with nostalgia

[Roxeanne]

15 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

Beautiful!

Few words that explain our mood!

Thank you Ronni

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Un gusto un po' amaro di giorni perduti

Wow, that is so true Roxeanne. "A bitter taste of days lost." Now that I'm retired that is my life without my wife. Wasted days doing nothing without her.

[Roxeanne]

I understand...i wish everything was different for all of us ! Instead we must learn to live a life without our soulmate...

It's unfair and really hard...but what we can do? Nothing goes back the way  it was!

 Hope you can find some peace hugs ciao Ro'

 

 

 

 

 

[DWS]

On 12/6/2022 at 4:27 PM, Sparky1 said:

Every single day I think about the things my wife and I used to do together, the places we went to, and even though the memories are good, they are bittersweet memories. 

On 12/7/2022 at 11:44 AM, Roxeanne said:

That's it Sparky....memories brings also sadness...

In a friend's email to me earlier this week he wrote "Can you try to focus on the happy times you both shared and not what you're missing?" I have yet to respond to him because the answer to that is just not that simple! Remembering the good times sounds like an easy solution out of grief...to those who haven't experienced it. I think to those of us here, we enter into a deeper understanding of life and true human emotion where there isn't much honesty in the mind over matter type thinking. I know I would only be lying to myself if I tried to show the world a valiant and resilient me...at least, right now anyway. 

 

[Kevin O]

But the happy times you shared (among other things) are what you are missing. Not to difficult to understand. Most Friday nights I go out this diner we went to. And most Friday nights when waking back to my car I start to get teary eyed. Why? Because I remember the happy times. And I miss him. And I can't pretend I don't miss him almost every second of every day. Accept it out don't. It's currently not a choice for me. 

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

"Can you try to focus on the happy times you both shared and not what you're missing?"

The happy times will come to you later, for now it's what you are missing that you're having to adjust to and that is a process so the short answer is, "No."  They're amiss for asking.  Shows they don't understand grief.

10 hours ago, Kevin O said:

But the happy times you shared (among other things) are what you are missing.

Good point!

10 hours ago, Kevin O said:

It's currently not a choice for me. 

No and it isn't/wasn't for any of us.  MUCH later on remembering the happy times will bring you a smile...not now.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/9/2022 at 8:33 AM, DWS said:

In a friend's email to me earlier this week he wrote "Can you try to focus on the happy times you both shared and not what you're missing?"

DWS, for me I'd just want to say...Yeah; of course I can *TRY*, you effin idiot friend of mine! (What kind of idiot are you, my friend, to think-believe that I am such an idiot as to not already have "tried" to do exactly that???)

For me only, someone telling me that "the happier times will come later" does not at all help me with where I am here and now; and only seriously devalues where I am, right here and right now. (Platitudes and cliches that people say without even giving one single thought before they say it!) BUT. I still do get their good intentions, so...at least we can be grateful for that. Or, at least, we can *try* to be grateful for it. They're obviously just clueless of what we, individually, are going through. Simply clueless, and we can tell that from their words that they say to us.

Past Monday, I (finally) told a couple of my dear and true and trusted friends: "I'm not the same person I used to be. I have nothing. I have no confidence..." And then I had to excuse myself and go to the washroom. I need to stop BS'ing myself that I'm all "valiant" and "resilient". I used to be; I'm really not; not anymore. In my personal Space-Time, it doesn't even feel that I'll ever be able to recover that, in my future times that I still have left on this Earth in this lifetime.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Ronni_W said:

Platitudes and cliches that people say without even giving one single thought before they say it!) BUT. I still do get their good intentions, so...at least we can be grateful for that. Or, at least, we can *try* to be grateful for it. They're obviously just clueless of what we, individually, are going through. Simply clueless, and we can tell that from their words that they say to us.

I've tried to look at things from their point of view but it's something I can't even do anymore. A loss of this magnitude is all based on love and treasured companionship...and then dealing with the void and emptiness with their absence. Grief is imminent and long-lasting. That's the reality of the loss and that's something that sooooo many seem to be clueless about. It's amazing actually that there's that lacking of deeper thought and empathy. 

 

[Roxeanne]

9 hours ago, DWS said:

I've tried to look at things from their point of view but it's something I can't even do anymore. A loss of this magnitude is all based on love and treasured companionship...and then dealing with the void and emptiness with their absence. Grief is imminent and long-lasting. That's the reality of the loss and that's something that sooooo many seem to be clueless about. It's amazing actually that there's that lacking of deeper thought and empathy. 

I can't understand why people are so insensivity and says terrible things to the grievers...

as long as i remember my own behaviour...in front a young colleague who lose her husband i was embarrassed with nothing to say. I don't remember what i said, easily the wrong words...but i was scared, faced a deep sorrow so definitive, i just wanted to escape!

I think it's true that a person  in hard pain put you in front at the terrible  reality of the loss....and you don't want to know, you don't want to know it could happen to you too!!!

Out of this terror  arises need  to push the grievers to get better...

I had to live the horrible reality to lose my soulmate, to understand a lot of things...

Meanwhile two of my friends who at the time said to me wrong words, entering in this forced process of awareness losing one her husband, and the second one desperately just yesterday his son!

Now i know that a loving silent presence is the right thing to do...imparata con lacrime e sangue! Learned with tears and blood!

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

For me only, someone telling me that "the happier times will come later" does not at all help me with where I am here and now; and only seriously devalues where I am

I am sorry, I was only explaining that's something that happens MUCH LATER in the journey.  I am not devaluing anyone or their experience.  It's not a platitude or cliche.  Examples:

Avoiding the Cliches of Grief
Cliches - answers to

[gns247]

On 12/12/2022 at 10:49 AM, Ronni_W said:

Past Monday, I (finally) told a couple of my dear and true and trusted friends: "I'm not the same person I used to be. I have nothing. I have no confidence..." And then I had to excuse myself and go to the washroom. I need to stop BS'ing myself that I'm all "valiant" and "resilient". I used to be; I'm really not; not anymore. In my personal Space-Time, it doesn't even feel that I'll ever be able to recover that, in my future times that I still have left on this Earth in this lifetime.

I had to do the same thing.  I'm not the same person anymore.  I used to be confident, outgoing, laughing all the time but now I feel small, vulnerable, quiet and anxious.  I also use the word recover.  How do I recover from this?  I started getting platitudes almost immediately after the funeral and from my husband's family no less.  I have my birthday, Christmas day, new years eve and my husband's birthday all in the next seven weeks.  I'm not sure how I am going to be able to handle all that.  This time of year especially for a lot of us is going to be very rough.  I hope everyone has someone to help them through.  It's very very hard alone as I have had to find out.  I send everyone lots of compassion and love xx

[KayC]

5 hours ago, gns247 said:

I started getting platitudes almost immediately after the funeral

I'm sorry, I got them right away too, people say what they've heard, and don't get it unless they personally have been through it.  Also, realizing all marriages and thus losses are not the same, even some who have been through it!  I know good and well had I lost my kids' dad-23 year marriage (to death instead of divorce) I  would have gotten all kinds of sympathy, yet would not have suffered the same type of loss that I have with George...George was my soulmate and best friend, my kids' dad was a different person with us, his family, than he was around the church, public, very controlling and harsh.

5 hours ago, gns247 said:

I have my birthday, Christmas day, new years eve and my husband's birthday all in the next seven weeks.

That is a lot.  Maybe just try to face one at a time, not stockpile them which can be all the harder...if you can.  You will be in my thoughts as they approach.    I hope you have someone supportive you can talk to, a friend or family member...

[gns247]

Hi KayC, thanks for saying that.  I am going day to day for the most part but this month is just so hard to not think about all the dates that really mean something to us all happening together.  Nearly half my life I have had Greg with me to share these days.  My brother has come back into my life but he has his own life and partner but he has said to call anytime and is being supportive.  It's very hard for me to ask for help, just my nature and it's always been just me and Greg.  I am learning to ask though.  ❤️

[KayC]

I'm glad you're learning to ask, I am the same way, VERY hard to ask for help, but as I've aged I've learned sometimes it's necessary, and although we are very much alone, we're not meant to be an island, we need community.  I'm glad you've reconnected with your brother, stay in touch on a regular basis, I know he has his own life but you shouldn't be on the back burner totally either. 

[gns247]

It is hard to change the way you have always been.  My brother is being great.  We were very close growing up.  It's weird, when this first happened I read people saying they felt like a burden to family and friends and I didn't understand it at the time but I do now because I sometimes have that thought pop up too.  It would be very helpful if we lived in the same state. That is making it quite hard.  

[KayC]

Yes, but hopefully you can videochat or talk on the phone...I can't videochat because of where I live (limited data, slow speed internet) but do use the phone to keep in touch with loved ones, probably not enough.  I tend to live isolated since Covid, not because of it but because everyone e[else has changed their habits.

[gns247]

We do talk weekly, thankfully.  I really need all the support and company I could get going through this but I haven't had any.  It's extra hard all alone.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I hope you find some in unexpected places, I did for a time.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/12/2022 at 7:51 AM, KayC said:

I am sorry, I was only explaining that's something that happens MUCH LATER in the journey.[...]

Yes, KayC, I know what you were only trying to do. It's that you were trying to explain something to someone who can't yet comprehend it. (Like a college/university math teacher trying to explain trigonometry to a first grader.) I totally get how the 'teacher' doesn't yet get it. And that is, actually, my point about how, somehow,          the 'first grader' is supposed to be, or would be far better off being, wiser than his/her/their teacher (or the one who might present, at first glance, as a 'teacher')..

[KayC]

I disagree that you can't get it with your brain, even though not "feeling it" yet...of course not!  But it gives you something to have faith in and hope for.  I'll try to remember not to comment such to YOU...it doesn't affect everyone else that way though.  For some it's provided hope and I wouldn't want to take that away...

[AJ4]

Unfortunately, people who want to help don't realize there is no SOLUTION for grief.  Grief is there because you loved someone and they are gone.  You just have to bear with it.    I think it helped me a little bit to know that while it feels EXTREMELY bad at first, as the years go by it is normal for it to get less sharp and painful.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/16/2022 at 7:30 AM, KayC said:

I disagree that you can't get it with your brain, even though not "feeling it" yet...of course not!  But it gives you something to have faith in and hope for.  I'll try to remember not to comment such to YOU...it doesn't affect everyone else that way though.  For some it's provided hope and I wouldn't want to take that away...

KayC, I agree with you that, using my own analogy, (some) first graders can "get trigonometry with their brain, even though not yet being able to 'feel' (or 'get/see' the 'logic' of it." As I already said, it is the teacher's limitations and lack of insight and foresight, that the teacher just assumes/decides that every single first grader "must" or "should" or "does" get it with his/her/their brain -- as you say, "of course not!" I agree with you, KayC -- of course not! My point still is, and will forever be, when or if the teacher is not cognizant or sensitive to these various levels of dynamics and limitations of the first graders, then it is that the first grader better oughtta be (sensitive to them, or most likely will be just further traumatized). Of course! (If the teacher gets it, then of course the first grader is at no risk at all. Of course not! I agree with you, KayC, on this)

I've never taken any single of your comments directed solely at me, but at this community in its entirety, so...I guess...just keep doing what you have been doing(???) Or...not(???) I don't even know what to say about your comment about this. Keep providing hope for others; we all need to do our best to do this, as best we can and as best we know/'feel' how to do. Of course. (Why would I ever argue against that or disagree with the intention?)

[gns247]

hi everyone/anyone, my first Christmas alone ever and first without Greg.  Really hard day.  My brother called.  It was really nice to hear his voice in the morning.  It's really hard all these things that get thrust upon you like living alone for the first time, not having anyone to talk to through your day or help to make decisions with.  I miss so much hearing Greg's voice and am sick of having to just listen to mine as I talk out loud to myself or to the cats.  It really feels like I am going crazy a lot.  Well I hope you all can enjoy this time of year in whatever way you all do.  🙂

[KayC]

Thinking of you today, praying whatever you do, whoever you see or hear from, that the day will go well for you.  May your Greg visit you in some way.  

[gns247]

I appreciate your kind words @KayC.  I hope your day goes well for you too.

[AJ4]

Yes I'd agree. It doesn't help when people tell me not to feel the way i feel.  Sometimes I feel like my empathy has been cut off. People tell me things that are sad but while I know intellectually that it is a sad thing, I don't feel sad for them . it's like it's all been used up on my self. Self absorbed. It makes me feel a wall between us.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, LostThomas said:

When I heard "sometimes something good can come from something like that".  What?  Not only was this disconnected on a spectacular scale, but how does one say something like that knowing the scope of the trauma involved?  I cannot take anymore devaluing.

Here's a thread on this very topic...

https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/know-someone-grieving