Every day

[SummerW669]

As all of you know, it seems our time stops when our loved one dies...but time keeps going. I'm having an extremely hard time getting out of bed in the morning for work. I just hate facing another day he's not here. Feeling super alone and sad. Dwelling on memories. Any "tips"?

[Ronni_W]

SummerW669, unfortunately it's just about the same as impossible for anyone else to give "tips" for your specific situation and circumstances. There is the one part that you cannot just give up on life, and then there is the other, equally weighted yet almost-exact-opposite part, that you need to be as kind, gentle and compassionate with yourself as possible, at this time.

Are you able to receive a 4-week leave-of-absence from work? (Financially and to not jeopardize your current employment/source of income.) If so, I might offer to do that, and then see how things feel for you, for the beginning of 2023.

Somehow we need to figure out our own unique-individual-personal ways to keep on going in this new life, alongside and concurrent with our memories of our old life. Somehow.

Sending all of the Comfort, Strength, Insights, Support, Guidance, Protection and All Positive and Good Things that you need that will truly Help you.   Ronni

[SummerW669]

Thank you. Unfortunately I cannot take off of work. I already had 2 weeks off. Some days have been more bearable than others but it's a continuous struggle. 

[Robert D.]

SummerW669

I had the same experience during the first 3 months.. I could barely get out of bed.. I had to get out of bed when I went to work.. but on the weekends I just laid there for a long time or went out to the couch and laid there all day.. I had the same experience this last weekend where I just sat on the couch and watched TV most of the weekend.. its just that there are days that are hard to find the desire to get up and do something or get out of bed....... maybe consider trying to find one or two things that need to be done around the house or the apartment or wherever you live.. and just try to get up the motivation to accomplish that one thing or those two things.. I know even that can be a lot to do at this time.. but at least maybe we can try.. I do hope that it gets better for us all as time goes on.

But I can identify completely with how you feel....

[KayC]

It was very hard to keep going...I stuck to a schedule and just did it, I had a supportive work environment when he died, that helped a LOT...when I lost my job and started commuting, that was a whole other ballgame!  It was really rough, I don't know how I lived through it to be honest.  Holding you in prayer...

[Deborah_M]

Hello Summer, I'm so sorry for your lose, I lost my husband on October 14, 2022.  So I think I understand how you are feeling (as everyone else on here does.). I'm lucky that I have two wonderful dogs that depend on me, getting up at 2:00 in the morning to go out to do their business. (better than doing it inside.). Then there is getting up to feed them, by then I just stay up and start the coffee.  There is something about getting up and doing something that helps to take my mind off of my grieve.  The nights are the worse for me.  Do you have a pet? 

I have not posted on here a lot but I find myself coming back just to read what others have posted. Wish I could say something that would help you with your pain, if there is anything, I would say keep coming back here and sharing your feelings.  With time maybe we both will find new ways of coping and new friends. Praying for you, God Bless, Deborah

[Laura Vence]

Dear Summer,

It's just hard. Maybe acknowledging that to yourself, and "forgiving yourself" for not wanting to get up and be part of "life" right now, is one way to handle it. I've lowered my expectations of myself during this time. I lost my husband a little over a year ago. It DOES get better. There are more "better" days--even if rarely a GREAT day. So just be gentle with yourself, understanding with your hurt being--you've suffered a tremendous loss, like going through an emotional earthquake (one that can be financial and social and in other ways as well). Try to be KIND to your sweet self. Tell yourself you are NORMAL. There's nothing to take away the pain, no fix-it potion. But going through the pain, maybe reading some books on this type of loss, watching some videos, can help. Also, a grief support group is helpful, and therapy (individual) as well, or grief counseling. You have to get through this time. I feel myself starting to do that--move a bit into the future. But it's like two steps forward, three back, then one step forward. Grief doesn't move in a straight line. 

I do recommend taking time for yourself as much as you can. I was lucky to be able to take off work. But if you can't, do what you can at work, but don't expect miracles, and try to communicate to your managers and colleagues best you can--be careful out there, as grief is not valued in our culture, although it can be a very transformational experience.

I also went to Camp Widow. Look them up on the web. There's another one this spring in Tampa, I believe. You can get a "scholarship" if funds are a problem. I'm glad I spent that money. 

Find anyone if possible you can call who might be a new widow too. I found one person at Camp Widow, and I know she is there.

This is one of the hardest time any human goes through. We know that here. I have lost a son, too, and that was hard in a slightly different way. We just have to get through the worst for awhile. Hang in there!  Love, Laura 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

It's just hard. Maybe acknowledging that to yourself, and "forgiving yourself" for not wanting to get up and be part of "life" right now, is one way to handle it. I've lowered my expectations of myself during this time.

Definitely.

[Ronni_W]

On 12/5/2022 at 7:17 AM, Robert D. said:

[...] I had the same experience during the first 3 months.. I could barely get out of bed.. I had to get out of bed when I went to work.. but on the weekends I just laid there for a long time or went out to the couch and laid there all day.. I had the same experience this last weekend where I just sat on the couch and watched TV most of the weekend.. [...]

Robert D, so exactly the same for me...except (full disclosure that I hate to have to admit <lol>) but, for me it lasted ... and is still lasting ... for more than two (2!!!) years. (YEARS!!!) I know...

For sure it is not that I did not (do not) try to motivate myself to do 'practical' tasks and chores. Tried. "Failed". But I didn't see it so much as a "failure" on my part, either -- because I still did *SUCCEED* AT BEING MY OWN BEST FRIEND. So, on top of watching a lot of TV that I enjoyed, I also ended up getting more-or-less "addicted" to Sudoku, and a little bit of rug-hooking. And a lot of journal-writing or just pouring out my heart, mind and Soul onto paper. With addictively working on Sudoku puzzles, I'm still of the ('right' or 'wrong') opinion that at least I was/am busy keeping my mental faculties on point, so at least I'm not going end up with late-stage mental deficiencies like dementia or Alzheimer's. (I know...)

Point is...if house-cleaning ain't my most important thing...then that's okay for me. (For one or two others of my fellow-grievers, they didn't give a shyte about Sudoku <lol>, but keeping their house clean and pretty and tidy was the thing that helped the most to keep them going at that time, or them going for a brisk daily walk, or whatever it was that helped them the most.)

For me...if my best, most, highest that I can do or want to do is watch TV...and I end up doing just that...then that's also me being my own best friend (because, that's what I'd then tell my (other) best friends to do, if/when that's all they feel they have the strength, inspiration, motivation to do. (Also recognizing that this all needs more than just this, but that'd take a whole 'nother 89 pages to write about! <LOL>.)

I don't feel a need to have to "forgive" myself. I'm not emotionally-spiritually hurting me, and I'm not hurting anyone else. I might be feeling a need to have to motivate myself, yes, but not to have to "forgive" myself just because this is how my grieving and mourning journey and process is turning out for me.