Husband dying

[Linda W.]

He's got stage 4 Prostate cancer. I'm not handling it well. I think I'm verging on a mental breakdown. When he was in the ER at a VA hospital this week, they sent me to wait in the waiting room. After a time, I realized I had to find out something. The cold uncaring attitude I encountered when I asked to see him sent me into panic mode. They said no visitors, new rules. Because of Covid, they said. I was unable to reach him by phone. Later found out his phone was put across the room and no call bell either. Calling the ER wasn't helpful, no info given. His doctor didn't call after I requested that. Hours afterward he finally called, he was given his phone. Then later he called and said his doctor said I could be with him. But they didn't want to let me in. They were cold and hostile toward me. But finally let me in. By that time he was being discharged. This time the nurse said the rule was because of RSV. Yet there were other family members let in. Just wishing that those employees realized that to a person facing the loss of a spouse can be very vulnerable and a kind word or a little empathy could mean a lot to them. Lost my mother to Pancreatic Cancer, lost my father to murder long ago. Lost my sister to Glioblastoma (cancer of the brain nerve cells), lost my BIL to Covid . Trying to hang in there.

[Lost7]

Dear Linda 

I am very sorry for the seemingly lack of compassion and the lack and of empathy you are facing. Please let me say to you that I am sorry beyond any words that can express what you are going through right now. Take a deep breath pray and just realize that strangers just don't get it until it happens to them. Please come here and post and let us all know how he is doing and I will be lifting you and your family up in prayer.  

Blessings Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Linda W. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  I know what it is like.  In 2020 my husband got very sick.  I took him to the er and they wouldn't let me stay with him at all due to covid.  I didn't get to see him again until 3 days before he died.  It was so hard on me.  I will be praying for you and for your husband.   If there is anything else you need please feel free to ask.

[foreverhis]

@Linda W. Oh, that is awful.  As if knowing you are losing the love of your life isn't enough, you have to deal with cold, heartless "caregivers."  At a minimum, you are owed reasons for why they kicked you out, took his phone, didn't give him a call button. and their attitude.

I'm going to just throw this out there for you because I have experience with my husband.  We lost him to metastatic bladder cancer.  It's very common for advanced cancer patients to get infections that go systemic and become septic.  When they affect the brain (such as UTIs of the bladder and/or kidneys), they are very dangerous.  Advanced prostate cancer can metastasize to the bladder.  It can also press on or compress the bladder and surrounding tissues.  Both of these things often lead to UTIs, which pass the blood-brain barrier quickly.  This quite literally causes even the most sane, rational, intelligent person to "lose their mind."  The symptoms mimic dementia and often involve irrationally combative behaviors.  It can be made worse by being in a hospital or clinic, which can cause what's called hospital-induced delirium.  Combined, they are extremely frightening for family members.

I don't know your husband's situation, obviously, but what you're describing is so familiar.  If he had a systemic infection, taking his phone and not giving him a call button would be standard procedure to help stop agitation.  Patients also often try to "escape" to get away from what their off-kilter brain tells them is danger.  Nobody warned me; nobody is ever warned about this.  When my husband woke up in the hospital with a brain infection and hospital-induced delirium, I was kicked out of the room, his phone and tablet were temporarily put away, and he had to be sedated until his infection was under control and his condition stabilized.  He was mostly back to himself in 24 hours, though completely embarrassed and having little memory of what happened.

The thing that's different with my situation is that the nurses and CNAs were very caring and, even when they were basically shoving me out the door, explained why and what to expect.  The hospital doctor called twice to talk to me about it and, though he was "clinical," made sure to tell me what happened and why.  In taking care of my husband, they had to stay unemotional and focus on his needs, so at times it did seem they were "cool" toward me.  But they were never rude or mean or dismissive.

It's unconscionable that you were treated the way you were, regardless of the reasons.  I'm so sorry they made a devastating time even worse. Please keep coming here to talk and read and simply "be" with people who truly understand.

 

[KayC]

@Linda W.  Wow, that is a lot to go through for any one person!  I am so sorry, for each thing seems cumulative, but it also shapes and molds who we are, our strength, etc.  My heart goes out to you with all you are going through, yes medical communities need to realize who they are dealing with are real people with real feelings, not just some number or statistic.  We aren't mere inconveniences to brush aside, our lives are wrapped up in this one that we have come to see or bring home!  This whole Covid/RSV thing has changed our world and how it operates and not for the better either.  

I'm glad you found this place, you have met a family here of caring folks, and we want to be here as you go through this...

Anticipatory Grief: Symptoms and Purpose
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources
Anticipatory Grief at Work
 

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's unconscionable that you were treated the way you were, regardless of the reasons.  I'm so sorry they made a devastating time even worse. Please keep coming here to talk and read and simply "be" with people who truly understand.

Yes!