A new sadness

[DWS]

Yesterday, I was given the terrible news that my late partner Tom's sister Shelley has now passed away. It was just a month ago when she learned that she was in stage 4 rectal cancer. I wasn't all that close to Shelley although we had been keeping in touch through emails periodically over the months since Tom's passing. She and her husband live three hours north of me in a small summer resort town on Lake Huron. Tom kept close to her through daily text messages back and forth. In her last message to me from late October, she mentioned that she was waiting for test results and would finally be talking to a specialist. The sad thing is that over the last few years it was her husband's health that was the concern....most notably, the loss of his vision due to an eye disease. A couple of years ago, he was given painful injections which brought back some of his sight and we were all so glad to hear that but Shelley was still much needed as his caregiver. It now appears that she may not have been paying as much attention to her own health which sadly, is common among caregivers.

At this point, I'm feeling numb and confused with her death. A year ago, both Tom and his sister were vibrant beings in my life. Last Christmas, Tom had her knit two pairs of socks for me as part of my gifts because he knew my feet get cold in the wintertime. Now a year later, both of them are gone. The cold reality of how quickly this all happened leaves me shaken. 

The other thing that currently pisses me off is that I have no one in my immediate orbit to share this awful news with. Thankfully I have Tom's daughter to correspond with through our texts but experience tells me that neither any of my current friends or family members will give much attention to this new sadness in my life. It's not that they wouldn't necessarily care but there's just nobody I can think of who would give me their time and sincere interest. Rather than expect anything more from them, I know this is an added loss I have to deal with alone. 

 

[widower2]

I'm very sorry DWS. I know what it's like to have to deal with loss alone. As if our losses didn't make us lonely enough. I know it's not ideal, but might you consider talking to a grief therapist? I did in the early days and it helped me unload a lot. 

[Robert D.]

DWS

I am very sorry about this sad news. This life is crushing...it really is. I prayed just now for you and the family. I look at life now as 2 groups of people. Those still in bliss and that don't really...really...know what's coming ...and those of us that do...and unfortunately, keep on finding out with more people leaving us. I am really sorry. Remember this...we are here for you....as you have been for us. We're not going anywhere and will be here to listen. 

God bless!!

Robert

[DWS]

11 minutes ago, widower2 said:

 I know it's not ideal, but might you consider talking to a grief therapist? I did in the early days and it helped me unload a lot. 

Thankfully, I do have a grief therapist that I have been chatting with every month. Our last session was just a few days ago. I had mentioned to her that Tom's sister was in the last few days of her life. She had mentioned that it is quite common that caregivers can often go first before their loved one that they'd be caring for.  Our next session will be in a couple of weeks from now.

10 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

I look at life now as 2 groups of people. Those still in bliss and that don't really...really...know what's coming ...and those of us that do...and unfortunately, keep on finding out with more people leaving us.

Yes...that's how I see things too and I can't help wishing I could go back to the days of my naive, young self. 

[Sparky1]

People that haven't lost their partner don't get it, and will not get it until they lose their partner. I remember the doctor telling my wife ' you won the lottery but in reverse' meaning she got a cancer that is more rare than winning the lottery. He wasn't trying to be sarcastic, he was just telling us how not many people get it. So the moral of this is that not only did my wife win the lottery in reverse, but so did I with losing her. My heart has been ripped out of my chest and people go on with their lives as though it's no big deal. All of us here are in the same boat, apart from the endless masses that don't get it. They are oblivious, living their lives like sheep with their heads down.  My wife was only 57, it's not like she was 90 and lived a full life.

[widower2]

41 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

People that haven't lost their partner don't get it, and will not get it until they lose their partner. I remember the doctor telling my wife ' you won the lottery but in reverse' meaning she got a cancer that is more rare than winning the lottery. He wasn't trying to be sarcastic, he was just telling us how not many people get it. So the moral of this is that not only did my wife win the lottery in reverse, but so did I with losing her. My heart has been ripped out of my chest and people go on with their lives as though it's no big deal. All of us here are in the same boat, apart from the endless masses that don't get it. They are oblivious, living their lives like sheep with their heads down.  My wife was only 57, it's not like she was 90 and lived a full life.

I don't know if this has any value, but our stories have some almost eerie parallels (rare cancer, age lost). Fighting any cancer is horrible obviously, but fighting a rare one has the added factor of limited knowledge and even more limited options. You wouldn't believe (well maybe you would) some of the most clueless responses we got from some of the so-called top cancer centers/hospitals in the world.

 

[Sparky1]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

You wouldn't believe (well maybe you would) some of the most clueless responses we got from some of the so-called top cancer centers/hospitals in the world.

Oh I believe it. We were at a supposedly good cancer hospital and my wife's treatment was prescribed by a top cancer specialist that works out of a top cancer hospital in Canada. The treatment he prescribed killed my wife. I only had communication with his secretary and when it wasn't going good, she stopped communicating. I managed to find this doctor's cell number by searching the internet. He was nonchalant, to him she was just another number.  I was pi**ed, but remained calm. My wife was already gone, what more could I do? How can you be a specialist? I'm not an oncologist, but wouldn't you start with small doses of chemo and then work up gradually? Why hit her with huge doses all at once? I always say, avoid hospitals as much as you can, because once you go in, the outlook is not very promising. Sorry for the rant, but my wife was just not another statistic, she was my life.

[Ronni_W]

Dear DWS,

The news about Shelley craps out! We really do need to figure out a way to get together for an in-person rum and eggnog, yeah? <lol>. I get it about other of our ‘inner circle’ caring…but, at the same time, not really knowing how to show their caring in a way that’ll be also meaningful for us.

My now-deceased mom and I used to laugh about the platitude, “Ignorance is bliss.” But, as Robert D alluded to, maybe there is something to that. By which we (my mom and I) used to think of as spiritual ignorance.

For me, I’m still (accurately or inaccurately) in the mindset that “winning the lottery in reverse” is losing the lottery…but I do also get the analogy that that doctor was trying to draw upon.

I also think that sometimes we, of our own fault, put too much expectations and hopes and wishes on our so-called “experts”. Whether that’s “grief” expert or “medical/scientific” expert.     If they all got all as emotionally involved with and attached to each and every one of their clients/patients as we are to their individual patient/client (our specific loved one), then they’d be totally useless, would they not, to anybody/everybody else of their patients/clients? And probably just have to kill themselves on account of all of their own losses (of our specific loved one); and their sense of loss and failure, and their own grieving and mourning for their failures and losses of their clients /patients (our loved ones).

Yes, for sure. They still have too much pride and attachment to their own professional reputation and status, but. I’m not sure that it is 100% true or fair to say that they never cared about our own loved one. I’m just not sure.

DWS, again, I’m feeling you, about not having anyone whom you trust, to really get your own loss of Shelley.

Love’n hugs, people.   Ronni

[widower2]

Understood, believe me.

DWS, glad you have someone to talk to, esp around this time of year!

[Ronni_W]

27 minutes ago, Ronni_W said:

[...] but. I’m not sure that it is 100% true or fair to say that they never cared about our own loved one. I’m just not sure. [...]

You guys may not ever know how much I "hate" to quote myself. <Super-weak lol>. I really, really think that it's the height of arrogance and sense of <whatever>. But.

I know for sure how much the detective who...was on site when the whole 'search and rescue team' found Ray's human remains...

I know FOR SURE that it affected that detective, in a very "negative, ugly, non-life-affirming" way. He and I have a lifetime connection now. On that same day, within an hour or two of him having to let me know that Ray was dead on Earth, I told him...and I know, from what he said in response, that I had touched his heart and his Soul.

But. He is a detective, and this is his job. He needs to stay emotionally (and mentally) detached, if he is able to help the next person. But it's not that he didn't care, or that Ray was ever just a statistic to him. I'm really pretty sure that I know this for sure.

[Ronni_W]

16 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Understood, believe me.

Hi widower2, would you mind elaborating on what you understand from what I said? -- sometimes I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore, so you'd be helping to give me an outside perspective. (Of course though, only if you want to or feel so inclined; if not...so be it, right?)  Love and hugs, Ronni

[DWS]

52 minutes ago, Ronni_W said:

Dear DWS,

The news about Shelley craps out! We really do need to figure out a way to get together for an in-person rum and eggnog, yeah? <lol>. I get it about other of our ‘inner circle’ caring…but, at the same time, not really knowing how to show their caring in a way that’ll be also meaningful for us.

My now-deceased mom and I used to laugh about the platitude, “Ignorance is bliss.” But, as Robert D alluded to, maybe there is something to that. By which we (my mom and I) used to think of as spiritual ignorance.

Thanks Ronni...a rum and eggnog is sounding good right about now! 

Regarding "ignorance is bliss", here is my favourite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip...

[Ronni_W]

DWS, I know (or, at least really super-strongly suspect) that this will be the most "insane/crazy" thing to accept as true...but, HTG, way back in the 1980s, apparently three of my then-closest friends bought me, for Christmas, that year's "Calvin and Hobbes" annual. (I guess they drew straws, and 2 of them had to return their copies.) Point being: Calvin and Hobbes have been part of my posse, since way back 1980s! Just weird, huh?  (Yes, I still do have that annual!!! Friend Bob was the 'winner'. But, still muchly love all three of them...though only still in touch with one of them.)

EDITED TO ADD: My best tag that I could see was "Ha-Ha; Laugh". But...Ha-ha; Laugh; Weird; ROFL; Thanks!; Like; ***Love ❤️***; Really-Super-Excellent; Thanks!; Ha-Ha.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, DWS said:

she may not have been paying as much attention to her own health which sadly, is common among caregivers.

Oh yes, for sure.  

 

18 hours ago, DWS said:

Rather than expect anything more from them, I know this is an added loss I have to deal with alone. 

I too realize that all too much in my own life and find this place is the only place I have to share...kind of sad yet so glad it's here!  

We care to hear from you.  

18 hours ago, DWS said:

She had mentioned that it is quite common that caregivers can often go first before their loved one that they'd be caring for

That's what happened with my sister too, her husband had done everything for her, was her caregiver for years!  He passed and that left me to take care of her.  Now she too is gone.  It's true we can lose ourselves in caregiving to an extent.  She had let things go so much for so long it became a LOT to deal with!  For instance, the clinic she went to closed a year before and I had to find a new one for her, fill out the paperwork, make the calls, get her in...then it snowed the day she was to go.  I knew if she tried to go down the ramp with her walker, she'd fall, so had to call/cancel but they sent someone to HER!  Thank God, very caring place.  But getting her big heavy walker in/out of my trunk six times in one day injured my hand again, requiring my going to the doctor and I had to hire someone to give her rides afterwards, I'd previously sustained 11 hand injuries, 5 of them major in and of themselves.  Sometimes I have to realize my limitations.  I live with continual pain and numbness in them and 10% strength, it makes life challenging.  You see, there's some of us who can't quit trying, we have no option...

 

 

[Ronni_W]

On 12/3/2022 at 7:45 AM, KayC said:

[...]  Sometimes I have to realize my limitations.  I live with continual pain and numbness in them and 10% strength, it makes life challenging.  You see, there's some of us who can't quit trying, we have no option...

Dearest KayC. I am only starting to begin to realize, and take on board/integrate for myself, your wisdom that you've already cultivated and draw upon for your own strength, resilience and "will to just keep going"; and it is wonderful for you to be able to express it here in this community.

It does need a lot of (the proper kind of) inner humility, to admit and acknowledge our own limitations, and that we cannot be everything for everybody, and that we don't have all the resources and answers that will help every single other person all at once and all at the same time. I also agree with you that the members of our community here all have the same "can't quit trying" motivation; none of us here feels that "quitting" is a realistic, viable, reasonable option for any of us, individually ...that's why we all still are posting here. And we're doing it despite of and in spite of all of our own personal (emotional, physical and/or spiritual) challenges and limitations that we are, individually, currently facing and experiencing, sensing, feeling, perceiving.

Thanks, KayC, for bring this, once again, to the forefront. 💕.  Ronni

[BohoKat]

On 12/2/2022 at 6:12 PM, Sparky1 said:

We were at a supposedly good cancer hospital and my wife's treatment was prescribed by a top cancer specialist that works out of a top cancer hospital in Canada. The treatment he prescribed killed my wife.

Dear @DWS, it is understandable you are upset although those around you don’t understand your grief. Shelley sounds like a very special person as well as a link to Tom. Cancer is a bad way to go. Once a loved one is gone I think we cling to all the things we can that still tie us to them and the grief and anger resurge when we lose any of them. I’m sorry you have lost her.

I lost my husband Mark to liver cancer last year. @Sparky1 Yes, we were at the “top clinic” with the “top specialist.” But I had the opposite experience. Mark got immunotherapy rather than radiation or chemotherapy due to the advanced stage he was in. Mark suffered for over a year but every time we saw the doctor he was full of optimism and cheerful stories of remission. I kept believing Mark could beat it and then Bam! He was in rehab then hospice and gone within weeks. I think the shock intensified my grief. I’m still mad about it.

I had a ray of hope today, got the Christmas tree up with only a few breakdowns 🌲 Peace, BohoKat 

[Ronni_W]

16 minutes ago, BohoKat said:

[...} I had a ray of hope today, got the Christmas tree up with only a few breakdowns 🌲 Peace, BohoKat 

"Ray of hope". My Ray was truly my "ray of sunshine". (I often sang to him the songs that sing about that -- often, but not often enough, either.)

BohoKat, I'm with you in those moments of 'breakdowns' (as, I am sure, are also so many others who can relate/connect with such). Maybe next year I'll be able to consider a Christmas tree. This year, so far, I was able to actually buy a 5.5-inch statue of one of those soldiers from The Nutcracker ballet. It's painted all in white (like my idea of an angel, I told myself), and I'm calling him, "my someone to watch over me".  I was looking for "something bigger and better", but it is this little guy who caught my heart. And, if this is all I end up with, for this 2022 "festive" season, then I'll be okay with that...but also still not yet done looking/seeking for something else or in addition to this.

Peace to you also, BohoKat, and to all.  May we all find some measure of inner peace...not only at these "festive" times but also, always.   Ronni

[Ronni_W]

Thanks, Sparky1.

[KayC]

@BohoKat  That is big.  This will be your second Christmas since losing him, is that right?  I had my kids at Christmas in those early days, now they have their own lives and don't come anymore...I face it alone, but somehow get through it.  Snowed in if it be.

[BohoKat]

@KayC Yes, my 2nd Christmas without Mark. Last year I decorated our beautiful big 8 ft artificial tree we bought together with some help and a mostly straight face but was miserable the whole time. My kids are scattered and also MIA at holidays so being mostly alone this year I traded down to 6 ft tree I could do on my own. Bought a new smaller nativity scene as well. I have a big one from years past that we bought the figurines together our first Christmas but that stayed in the attic. I couldn’t even pick up the box without sobbing.

Christmas was always a huge deal for our family and Mark especially. We made cookies and bought poinsettias and oh so many rituals I did a lot just for him. I never thought of downsizing Christmas but it helped this year. So maybe the external things may get smaller, but the love just continues to grow.

Peace to all during your holidays, BohoKat 

[KayC]

I downsized this year too and will likely buy a new tree next year as mine is dropping needles, the mid row of branches the lights quit, they'd already come with lights that didn't work on the top and I'd added a strand, but amazingly enough, I was able to rearrange the branches to spread the lights throughout...still, I don't want to do this every year.  Time for a new one!

2 hours ago, BohoKat said:

so many rituals I did a lot just for him.

So true, the love continues to grow...

[Ronni_W]

For myself only. I actually carry fear around allowing my love to just continue to grow without me putting on some brakes. Would I not tell or counsel or "advise" my own best friend to be just a little more cautious about growing more in love with, or growing more loving towards, someone who is simply, these days and permanently, unattainable, anymore, to my best friend?

It's not that I don't want to feel that way about, for and towards Ray. But. Is it constructive or 'good' for me, who remains here, left behind?

I do realize that some people have already sorted-out this question for themselves. I'm still struggling with it, is all's I'm saying. I am still struggling to make some kind of 'sense' that I can comfortably and reasonably live with, about it.

[BohoKat]

You bring up a good point, Ronni. Maybe it’s not the growth of what’s unattainable. Maybe more like a fire being stoked as you (or most of us I presume) carry that precious flame that will always be in our hearts for those who have gone before. Peace, BohoKat 

[KayC]

I am grateful for the time we were here together, for meeting him, he changed my life, and I carry his love with me.  It stands to reason it grows...not what is unattainable as in unrequited love continuing thus thwarting my peace, but rather something I carry with me as I live out my old age.  To me the memory of him continues and always will.  The divide between life and heaven is a gulf we cannot breach...or can we (?) in some way?  I do so every day in my thoughts, remembering him.  It does not "try me" but rather carries me.

[KayC]

I hear you, Sim, and for us too.  Now with my burn I'm missing any and all festivities, just trying to survive.  It's snowing now and I can't shovel.  Wishing you well as you go through your second Christmas since he passed.

[KayC]

Yes and we hear of accidents every day.  An EMT friend wrote yesterday about being with her and other's children at a holiday even when a car came out of nowhere and headed straight for them, striking a 9 year old child on purpose!  Put her in the hospital, yet SHE was trying to comfort others!  It brings tears to my eyes...

I don't know what is the matter with people, how anyone could do this!  Then there's all the drunks...a young lady (drunk) killed her small child the other day on our Hwy.  I can't imagine living with that. 

[KayC]

She has broken bones, a lot of pain but to see her smile in her hospital bed it brings you to your knees in tears and anger for the sick individual who did this.  I guess she is a prime example of how a loving spirit triumphs over evil!

[AJ4]

I admit I have a tendency to put people in the two camps (bliss/loss) also.  But sometimes those you put in the "bliss" category actually do know loss, they are just removed from it by time passing and they don't talk about it.