Loss to suicide

[anony101]

They crossed not just basic human boundaries, but made me feel like cutting myself into pieces
Everyone has anger issues, doesn't mean, u will lash out on others, blame them for things unimaginable
You feel bad for the person deceased, doesn't mean, you'll blame others for his suicide, blame his own girlfriend for his suicide
Thanku for throwing away all the pieces I joined together 
No, I don't show what I am going through, doesn't invalidate what I am going through
Did I ever tell u that I start crying out of nowhere
Did I tell u that my body physically gives up everyday
Did I tell you that I have anxiety issues  for which I was already taking therapy which are quite prominent and have become multifold
Till today, I have to keep some video playing on my phone just so I can sleep
And won't even start on my sleeping schedule and dreams
All of this coz I went out on dinner with someone
I have no idea why I am even present here, or am I so bad that I would make someone die or so cold hearted that would get over someone's death in what they call 4 months
And this  is just one of the 1000 thousand thoughts I get everyday

 

Yes, I have been blamed for his suicide, I have been slut shamed, my emotions and grief and pain have been invalidated, my efforts for him when he was alive have been told as the reason he became lazy, my solo trip was told to be a trip with someone else bcoz girls can't go on a trip just by themselves, I have been warned  they will do all the scary things if I go out with a guy

I have been emotionally assaulted by the people I least expected to do so. 

I say s for strong, they hear s for slut. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through.  I don't understand someone blaming the victim and you ARE the grief survivor victim in this.  I am so sorry you lost him to suicide.  And that is what it is.  He too is a victim of his own suicide...yes he made the decision, but did he really?  Or are they so overcome with things they feel they have no choice but to escape.  I went through this with a coworker I'd known since he was a little boy, a family owned and run business...except for me, I was included in their family.  It was so hard.  People told his parents that people who commit suicide don't go to heaven.  Really!!  Not from what I've gathered!  I'm glad someone with a heart of gold, not people, is in charge, he understands what they go through and their mental issues.  My sister wanted to commit suicide when her little boy died in the same accident that left her quadriplegic.  Fortunately she couldn't act on it as she couldn't get someone to carry it out for her.  She did go on to accept what happened and live with it stoically for another 50 years.  She had a suitcase packed in her closet for when she "went to visit him in TX."  A place they'd once lived.  That she had this mental escape helped her, we never set the record straight.  What good would that do?  She needed to cling to her hope.  

My heart goes out to you as you struggle for answers.  Coming here helps us process our grief, it also helps to read/post and know we are not alone, there are others that "get it" and understand..

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

On 11/29/2022 at 3:31 PM, anony101 said:

They crossed not just basic human boundaries, but made me feel like cutting myself into pieces
Everyone has anger issues, doesn't mean, u will lash out on others, blame them for things unimaginable
You feel bad for the person deceased, doesn't mean, you'll blame others for his suicide, blame his own girlfriend for his suicide
Thanku for throwing away all the pieces I joined together 
No, I don't show what I am going through, doesn't invalidate what I am going through

@anony101 I am so sorry for all the negative things/thoughts/experiences that are plaguing you and that you have to try to deal with that along with your pain from your loss of your loved one. Please don’t ever blame yourself for the death. My situation is different I lost my husband to cancer not traumatic like suicide. But as a person with a mental illness who has had multiple suicide attempts and also heard from others same situation, a suicidal mind is the ultimate desperation, the psychic pain is beyond imagining and you will do anything including kill yourself to make it stop. It is not your fault nor could you have “stopped it.” Please take care of yourself. Hopefully participating in our group here will help at least a little. <hugs> Peace, BohoKat