everyone thinks im crazy and moody

[aeburress]

Well, I lost my mom 15 years ago and my dad just last December. You know i have lost an older sister too when she was 21. Its funny my mom died on October 13 and my older sister died December 19 and my daddy died December 13, he mixed the days and months to combine them both in his death. I dont know maybe i am crazy. I am mooody and am not sure what outlet to take, I have not been able to greive cause i dont feel able to do that in my home because of all the emotions involved. I am not allowed to cry because i am told i am doing that too much and that i need help, I cannot get angry cause i am told that i need help, I cannot just sit in peace and think of the good ol days cause i cry and that starts a new cycle of me being crazy and needing to talk to a professional. I am not sure how to feel. I just go through this numb and that way i can hide and cry (and i do alot) and no one knows that i am hurting. My friends support me the most and they dont think i am crazy and they help me talk about it and they listen. My sister and i are really close and she is hurting bad too and we can talk about it and know and understand what we mean when we say something that someone else would or could take the wrong way. My brother is hurting so he took to drinking and some drugs and i dont think anyone can reach him, he was so young and all when mom and sis died that he just could not deal with dads death well. I am just so sick of being told that i need professional help. Maybe I do but i would like to be able to greive and know that it will be tolerated at home before i go telling me story to a shrink who may or maynot have been in my shoes at any stage in their life. I am new here and i am rambling now. I do that alot latley. i cry and make no sence. I am 38 and i am orphaned and i am not sure what i am supposed to feel. I went to thanksgiving with my hubby and it was the hardest thing i have had to do in awhile. I dont know if they noticed, i am ususally good at the fake smile and nod thing or puttn on a happy face. his mom noticed a little i think cause she put her hand on my sholder. I am so jealouse of what he has now and all. He says he is not lucky cause he is not happy with his parents like i was with mine (even though he talks to them daily) lol. I want my normal life back and i want my family back. i want to scream it to the world although i dont know what the world would do with that information anyway. I am the oldest now and I worry about my lil sis and bro, if its this hard for me i can only imagin them, they were closer to my dad. I am used to mom already she has been gone for 15 years, its much easier to deal with that one but dad was the straw that broke the camels back cause now i dont have any parents!!!!!!!!!!!!! the holidays are hard but my dad loved and was great at christmas so i am trying to be the same even after his death, i did put up one of my trees and i have presents under it and all but thats about all. I listen to christmas music and can hear my dad singing still on the ones that he would sing to. I miss that so much, It has only been almost a year. My older sis died by the hands of a drunk driver, my mom died from breast cancer and my dad died from lung cancer. My husband says i will died of cancer too oneday. he is after me to stop smoking now even worse, thats not what i need, i need a hug not you bitchn at me about a vise i have and my dad had. yes it hurts me and i dont want my kids to go through this but fuss now...really...give me some time dude!!!!!!! I am not sure how to feel so someone tell me you have been in my shoes and i dont want to hear pray cause i am not happy there either, my parents are in heaven and all but i am not that religous just mad right now i guess...... thanks for listening to me rant for a few, whew i needed that.

[Guest DarkHeart]

Well, I lost my mom 15 years ago and my dad just last December. You know i have lost an older sister too when she was 21. Its funny my mom died on October 13 and my older sister died December 19 and my daddy died December 13, he mixed the days and months to combine them both in his death. I dont know maybe i am crazy. I am mooody and am not sure what outlet to take, I have not been able to greive cause i dont feel able to do that in my home because of all the emotions involved. I am not allowed to cry because i am told i am doing that too much and that i need help, I cannot get angry cause i am told that i need help, I cannot just sit in peace and think of the good ol days cause i cry and that starts a new cycle of me being crazy and needing to talk to a professional. I am not sure how to feel. I just go through this numb and that way i can hide and cry (and i do alot) and no one knows that i am hurting. My friends support me the most and they dont think i am crazy and they help me talk about it and they listen. My sister and i are really close and she is hurting bad too and we can talk about it and know and understand what we mean when we say something that someone else would or could take the wrong way. My brother is hurting so he took to drinking and some drugs and i dont think anyone can reach him, he was so young and all when mom and sis died that he just could not deal with dads death well. I am just so sick of being told that i need professional help. Maybe I do but i would like to be able to greive and know that it will be tolerated at home before i go telling me story to a shrink who may or maynot have been in my shoes at any stage in their life. I am new here and i am rambling now. I do that alot latley. i cry and make no sence. I am 38 and i am orphaned and i am not sure what i am supposed to feel. I went to thanksgiving with my hubby and it was the hardest thing i have had to do in awhile. I dont know if they noticed, i am ususally good at the fake smile and nod thing or puttn on a happy face. his mom noticed a little i think cause she put her hand on my sholder. I am so jealouse of what he has now and all. He says he is not lucky cause he is not happy with his parents like i was with mine (even though he talks to them daily) lol. I want my normal life back and i want my family back. i want to scream it to the world although i dont know what the world would do with that information anyway. I am the oldest now and I worry about my lil sis and bro, if its this hard for me i can only imagin them, they were closer to my dad. I am used to mom already she has been gone for 15 years, its much easier to deal with that one but dad was the straw that broke the camels back cause now i dont have any parents!!!!!!!!!!!!! the holidays are hard but my dad loved and was great at christmas so i am trying to be the same even after his death, i did put up one of my trees and i have presents under it and all but thats about all. I listen to christmas music and can hear my dad singing still on the ones that he would sing to. I miss that so much, It has only been almost a year. My older sis died by the hands of a drunk driver, my mom died from breast cancer and my dad died from lung cancer. My husband says i will died of cancer too oneday. he is after me to stop smoking now even worse, thats not what i need, i need a hug not you bitchn at me about a vise i have and my dad had. yes it hurts me and i dont want my kids to go through this but fuss now...really...give me some time dude!!!!!!! I am not sure how to feel so someone tell me you have been in my shoes and i dont want to hear pray cause i am not happy there either, my parents are in heaven and all but i am not that religous just mad right now i guess...... thanks for listening to me rant for a few, whew i needed that.

Hi alib, I am very sorry to hear of your losses, my heart goes out to you. I wanted to say that I don’t think you are moody or crazy at all; there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and you should NEVER let anyone tell you differently. These are your own feelings and it’s your own business how you decide to express them.The important thing is to get your sad, angry, confused, etc feelings out so you can eventually move on. I believe you are doing the right thing. Also, people who care about you may be advising you to get professional help, but only you have the power to make that choice; you know yourself better than anyone else, so that decision should be your own (obviously, I know you know that). I wish I had all the right words for you, but I don’t. I lost my mother just over a year ago to stage 4 lung cancer and, although my dad has survived her, I’ve not been able to connect with him since. We were not close, however, but it still feels like I have no parents since my mother’s death. You are not alone in your feelings of loneliness & despair, and confusion for that matter. It does get better, so hang in there & surround yourself with the people who don't think you are crazy and moody because you're not; you are grieving and it's ok to do so. Take care~

[ada33r]

Hi Alib,

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your loved ones in what seems to be such a short time. There is no set time in which you "should" feel better or "move on". Everyone grieves differently and for a different amount of time.

Alib, I want you to know that we are here to lend an ear whenever you need one. It seems that this might be your outlet for now. What you must be going through must be indescribably painful but rest assured that this pain will not last forever. Please don't let the things you hear from well-meaning relatives add to your pain or cause you to feel mad against them. The book Forgiveness--How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get On With Your Life observes: "Rage consumes you. It consumes time an energy as you stew about your painful past experiences, internally curse the people who hurt you and plot ways to get even." This can take a toll on your emotional and physical state.

One thing you shouldn't do is hold back the tears Alib. Crying will help ease the pain of grief. Communicating your feelings with someone you trust will also open the way for you to receive words of comfort when you need them the most. Admittedly, such conversations might be a bit awkward at first as you and your friend struggle to find the right words to say but in the long run it will do you good to talk to others about your grief.

The original Greek word "comfort" literally means "a calling to one's side". If you feel that you might need that kind of comfort, comfort from a trusted friend make sure that your feelings are heard by those who you love and want to be there for you. You can also come here Alib, we are here to be your "friends born for when there is distress". (Proverbs 17:17)

Remember that grieving is not an overnight process, you don't "just get over it". Writing down your thoughts about your loved ones can also be a tremendous aid in coping with grief. You can write about some pleasant memories or what you wish you could have said to them while they were still alive.

I hope these words may be of some help to you.

Kind Regards,

Ada