Sharing thoughts & career advice

[Renren0906]

I’m 29 this year and my partner J of 6 years passed away suddenly 2 months ago. He was also 29. We were supposed to get married and get the keys to our first flat next year. It’s something we’ve been looking forward to and dreamed of for a long time, to start our new lives together. But he’s gone. At a time when we were supposed to be planning our wedding and our home, I was left alone to plan his funeral with his family. It was so surreal, and not in a good way. He bought a ring but didn’t get a chance to formally propose, he wanted to propose in October but passed in end September. I have the ring now and I’ve been wearing it on my ring finger. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. I wish we could’ve married at least so I can refer to him as my husband. He was my rock, anchor and my home. The one who knew me the best in this world and the one I’d turn to when I have good news or lean on when times are rough. I still don’t know how it’s been two months already, the days have passed in a blur. I have to contend with the fact that he’s gone before I sleep and deal with the fact that he’s gone when I wake every single morning. It feels like a nightmare and sometimes I’m still in shock that he’s no longer here. I feel so empty and listless and I can’t laugh or smile the same way again. I don’t think I ever can again without him. This is not living but simply existing. Memories of him and us playing in my head on repeat, having brain fog and nothing much has meaning or interests me anymore. Feeling pretty depressed and so easily exhausted all I do mostly is lay in bed the whole day or keep sleeping except when having to go to work. Next year was supposed to be a fantastic year and I’ve been looking forward to it so much, but now I’m dreading it to be honest, it’s pointless. And even when the days, months and years tick on, it feels pointless. It’s getting better now I think but still absolutely devastating. It’s been ups and downs, some days I feel better like I can go on without him and then out of the blue I just crash and just hopelessly cry and cry and I can’t do absolutely anything about it. When I think of how long more I’ve to go on without him, I feel anxiety and I’m just trying to take things day by day to get through this. I’m lucky that I’m staying with my family so I’m not so lonely and I have some friends. But life is really not the same without him, I’ve lost the light of my life. All our plans together for the future ended the moment he died and my whole world came crashing down. 
 

Anyway I would like to get some career advice. Some of you all might have experienced something similar. When J was still around, I planned to leave my job after we got married or till we got our flat next year. I stayed mostly to save up money for the wedding and flat but I guess it’s not so important anymore. My colleagues and boss generally are good and we generally have a good relationship but tbh my boss have very high expectations and I’m her only staff so most of her attention is on me and it gets stressful and gives me anxiety working with her at times. She’ll sometimes vent at me or picks on unnecessary things. It was something I could handle previously but now I’m in a vulnerable state, I don’t really think I can handle this. I dread going to work almost everyday and sometimes my colleagues poke fun at me for being slow (might be the grief brain making things worse) and although it’s a joke it makes me feel terrible. My work is very fast paced and I don’t think it’s what I can handle now. My boss has been pretty understanding but sometimes she still points out that I’ve to improve this and that or vents out at me. The thing is my brain and emotions have been pretty stuck up till recently where I have bouts of productivity. She’s my boss I get it and she and my colleagues probably don’t understand the level of what I’m going through I get it. But it’s still hard for me to cope though I appreciate the routine and familiarity. I was thinking of leaving and maybe taking a break but I’m also worried that not having anything to do at all will make me feel worse. I think I just need a break to reevaluate my life and just decompress everything if you know what I mean? Maybe doing some part time work might help and doing some volunteering at an animal shelter. I’m also worried because been here 1.5 years as of now which might not look good on my resume either. I’ve been reading up and experts do recommend after a major loss to not make any major life decisions including leaving or switching jobs till 6-12 months after which makes sense. When J was around, i liked this industry and it’s probably something that I wanted to stick with though moving forward to another company. After J passed, it changed my mindset and started to really reevaluate my life. I would like to do something meaningful in my job since working takes up a large portion of your life anyway. And I realised that would be working with animals. That is something I am passionate about and find meaningful so I would like to pursue this though it could be pretty backbreaking work and I’d have to accept a pay cut and probably lesser benefits compared with my industry now. 
 

Sorry for the very long rant or post, I hope it made sense. I guess I would like some advice for those who experienced something similar in wanting to leave your job after losing your beloved and how did you handle it? How did it work out for you? Thank you very much in advance 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Renren0906 said:

At a time when we were supposed to be planning our wedding and our home, I was left alone to plan his funeral with his family.

Oh my dear, I am so sorry!  Unreal, no one expects this at such a young age.

 

20 hours ago, Renren0906 said:

I feel better like I can go on without him and then out of the blue I just crash and just hopelessly cry and cry

Yep, sounds pretty much like it.  I am sorry for all you are going through, this is so hard hitting, nothing like it.
 

20 hours ago, Renren0906 said:

I dread going to work almost everyday

I would keep looking!  You need something lower stress for now...imo.  It seems grief has showed you what is important and that would be what you feel passionate about.  And even if lower $.  You could have spent your career in this path and never realized until the end when it was so late in life...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

Renren0906,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is life shattering to lose your soulmate.  It is very understandable that you have difficulty coping with a stressful job. 

There is a lot to consider in making a big change like this.  Which brings me to my first bit of advice. Do you have someone that can help you think this through?  Your parents? A good friend?  A relative?  Someone you know that has good judgment and that cares about you?  Brain fog is a real thing and you may not be thinking as clearly as you normally would. 

You have to realistically look at your finances.  How much money do you need to make? How much and for how long will your parents financially support you?  How deeply do you want to deplete your savings? 

I am in favor of working at a job you find satisfying and less stressful even if it pays less than your current more stressful job, but you have to be realistic about how much money you need to live on.  Having insufficient funds can be very stressful too. 

If you and your adviser thinks this new career path can work for you financially, I would hunt for this new job while you are still employed and try to set up a few weeks break between resigning from your current job and your start date in the new job.  Being unemployed for a short time can help to decompress if you have been under stress (and grieving is very stressful).  But too much free time can be its own black hole for depression.  Having the structure of going to work has been helpful to many people in grief. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not the life you had planned.  It is so hard to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives and to try to find a way forward.  You are looking for that path and that is a good thing.   It is just so hard when nothing makes any sense anymore. 

Whether you make a career change now or not, do hold on to that concept of working at something you enjoy.  I think in the long run that will be a good move. 

Wishing you the best as you find your way forward. 

Gail

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I would hunt for this new job while you are still employed and try to set up a few weeks break between resigning from your current job and your start date in the new job.

Good advice.

[Renren0906]

Thank you both Kay C and Gail for the great advice, especially useful as you both understand and have experienced the grief process and all the after effects of losing your partner. I’ll keep it in mind while trying to navigate this storm. Do take care 😊

[SummerW669]

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this pain. I am 31 and my Husband of 14 years was 41, he's been gone 3 weeks now. Every feeling you're having is normal. I have days where I feel like I can face the day and do, but there are also days where I can't get out of bed, like this morning. We never think we are going to have to live our lives without the person we love the most. Some days it still doesn't feel real. It's incredibly hard and I thought I was going to die right along with him. I know he'd want me to keep going. It's also ok to have days where you cry and are angry. I am a firm believer that even though we can't be with our loved one, they are still right here in spirit, guiding us and protecting us. Keep that in mind and talk to him💜

Regarding your career change, I say go for it. It may be a sign from your boyfriend to embrace and make the most out of your life!

[KayC]

@Renren0906 Do let us know when you make that change, how it's going for you, okay?  We're your cheering squad!  

[Renren0906]

I’m so sorry @SummerW669 for your devastating loss. Especially during the early days when the pain and loss is so acute. I totally relate with you on what you’re going through. Hoping that you can draw strength from your husband to face life bravely everyday. I’m trying to do that too 🤍 Thank you and I’ll bear it in mind. 
 

@KayC Thank you, I appreciate it 🙏🏼 I’ll share updates once I’ve made up my mind. It is a comfort being part of this group, we are all going through similar journeys though it’s something we never wanted or chose to endure. So something that we can relate to and understand.