Loss of my Husband

[SummerW669]

I just lost my Husband of 14 years and the father to our 12 year old girl. They are saying it was an accidental overdose. I'm feeling a lot of anger, sadness, and much more. I feel an aching in my chest that won't go away. I'm trying to take it second by second but sometimes it feels unbearable. 

[SaraOB]

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago of an accidental overdose as well. We were together for 13 years. Married for 5. I 43 and just met with a fertility doctor the week before he passed. 

[SummerW669]

I'm so sorry. My Husband has been gone a week now. Today was the first Holiday I've had without him for the past 14 years. It still doesn't feel real. This aching in my chest won't go away and I always feel sick to my stomach. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, @SummerW669 It had to be rough, first holiday, I felt that when I had mine, actually, the whole year of "firsts without..." were hard.  The last one I came to I refused to do, it was Easter, no holiday meal, didn't even go to church, just treated it like a day like any other, the next week I did a big meal with my kids, no mention made of Easter.  This artticle is also for you...

It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to, one day at a time, and often one hour or even minute at a time....

@SaraOB I welcome you both here, want to give you an article I wrote about ten years after the loss of my husband, not only from my own experience, but from gleaning from others at my grief site...

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[SummerW669]

Thank you so much for this. My Husband just passed last Wednesday. Then Thanksgiving came up so quickly. It's been very emotional. I often feel angry, then sad. Numb and then it starts all over. I am literally taking 1 second at a time. It still seems unreal.

[Ronni_W]

3 hours ago, SummerW669 said:

[...] My Husband just passed last Wednesday. Then Thanksgiving came up so quickly. It's been very emotional. I often feel angry, then sad. Numb and then it starts all over. I am literally taking 1 second at a time. It still seems unreal.

My sympathies, Summer!669, and hugs. For me, what was sometimes just basically the same as impossible, was to try to accept the unreal as real. I still have a problem with this, and others do, as well. (See the thread, 'Fleeting thought' -- even after one or two years, we can still have this 'fleeting thought' that what we're experiencing as "real" is still, nevertheless, still totally "UNreal". It does still just feel totally unreal, even when we know...well...that it is not unreal, but all too very real.

After 2 years, I also still feel sick to my stomach. Happened past Monday night. I ended up being able to eat a chocolate bar and drink a ginger ale. (I make sure to have crap like that in the house now, for when it hits me like this. And I have sort of "healthier" stuff, like frozen veggies, cans of protein, and some bread/dough-thing to put that on/make a sandwich or some type of 'meal'. And also potato chips! <lol>. Sometimes I just need the 'crunch' and the 'salt' of salted potato chips.)

I wish that I had something more 'upbeat' and 'uplifting' to offer. But. It's not like that. From me, I'd have to say just ignore everything that you want to ignore, that feels too overwhelming or too much of an effort. (Your physical body won't let you get away with it, to not do it, if it needs to move -- walk or yoga or climb stairs or whatever it wants, and then you'll do it -- or eat or get washed or go to the washroom. It's okay, for right now, to just function at minimal. You'll get back to some kind of 'new normal' in due course, when that time is right for you. In the meantime, your physical body will help to keep you physically functioning -- at least, mine did for me.  People did try to tell me, "Oh, you have GOT to do this, and NOT got do to that. GOT to get a proper schedule for sleeping; NOT got to just sit there staring off into space. GOT to try to still just be "productive" and "efficient" and "effective" for all of life's pressing issues. They're full of crap and not understanding, when they give us these "helpful tips"...in my own experience. My biggest, most important "life's pressing issue" was to just try to be able to remember to keep taking my next breath. Which I often forgot to do; unconsciously was holding my breath until my physical body ended up sputtering and 'forcing' (helping) me to breathe. I swear; and I really do wish that I had something more upbeat or uplifting to offer out of my own experience.)

I do get, though, that you still do have you daughter for whom to be a "good, healthy and effective" custodian, steward and role model. If you have them, call on your friends, family and neighbours for help and support with this. It sucks, all of it, from start to finish. One second at a time is really just about the wisest way to (try to) do it. So...you've already got the hang of how to start with all of this! One second at a time is just about *perfect*!     Love and hugs, Ronni

Edited November 26, 2022 by Ronni_W
Fixes, plus adders added. :-)

[KayC]

I cannot even imagine trying to do a holiday right after losing my husband.  I had 4th of July right after he died and declined an invite, just wasn't up to gaiety and laughter.  Instead I opted to go to a "concert in the park" where I could come/go as pleased and no pressure.  Unfortunately his closet rod broke while I was gone, so I boxed up his clothes and set them in our bedroom, cut a new rod and installed it.  But I sure didn't need that right after he died! (Father's Day 2005)