Loss to suicide

[anony101]

I tried accepting that he is in a better place now and that I should not be in pain or else, his soul may not get peace. Also, that I should not miss him because I am kinda lonely after he passed away as he was my only friend in college. I try to move on, just a little. 

But when today I saw our photos together, I feel the pain of what I lost. And the pain is too much. 

I try and talk to myself to take out my pain and accept his departure. 

But, the nights are a problem. The process of falling asleep doesn't go without me missing him. Never knew his face or even his small belongings would make me wake up from sleep again. 

I hope all this doesn't make him worried. He should know that I will be better someday and that I want him to peacefully continue his journey. I miss him. 

Love is letting go and that is exactly what I want to do for him. ❤

[Luminescense]

I'm sorry for your loss =(

Some do say, "Love is letting go," but I also know that grief is attempting to give that last bit of love to someone, but it has nowhere left to go. That's where grief becomes a bit rough. 

It's okay to feel pain. It's okay to have mixed emotions or be a bit of a mess right now. It's okay to not be okay! 

It's not uncommon for those grieving to have difficulties sleeping. There's a million and one thoughts, questions, what-if's, uncertainties, and more. 

Let yourself feel those motions. Allow yourself to feel pain, sadness, etc. and to deal with them in a safe manner. Some people might want time alone, others may want to be around others. Some people may want to sleep all day, and others may want to stay up all night. Grief isn't a one size fits all. It takes time, not everyone will react in the same way and that's okay.

It's never easy to deal with the loss of a friend. 

Some people take melatonin to at least get a little bit of rest and that helps them. You could talk to your doctor and see if this is appropriate for you. Either way, many people are able to return to sleeping regularly after a bit of grieving time. 
 

[KayC]

@anony101 Welcome to our grief site, where others get it and understand...it is a hard journey, esp. in the earlier years, but as you can see, we're getting through it, one day at a time.  It's hard, being in survival mode, even years later.  Life changed forever.  But eventually we find we can carry our grief inside of us whereas in the beginning it's like walking on landmines.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps process our grief.  This is like a family of sorts, from all over the world, we care about each other.  Sending you hugs.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

16 hours ago, anony101 said:

But, the nights are a problem.

It took me years (Melatonin didn't help me) but I finally got a sleep aide and it helps me greatly, all the years I struggled on my own to try to catch a wink's sleep was hard, esp. commuting 100 miles/day.  I have no regrets finally taking a mild sleeping pill at bedtime.  And I still sleep in our reclining loveseat rather than our bed, the bed was too much a reminder I was without him.  It's been 17 1/2 years...still do it.