Lost the love of my life on Oct 14, 2022

[Deborah_M]

Is this where everyone with a broken heart goes to find support?  Not sure, I've been reading some of the post and it seems like I can identify with each one. Some of you have been on here for some time, and it seems the grieving just doesn't get easier.  I pray each night that my time on this earth will go quickly and I can be reunited with my soulmate.  I miss him so much.  It has only been one month and 9 days since he left this world but for me it has been an eternity.  I still say good morning darling, and I look at his picture and try to pretend he is waiting for me at the kitchen table.  36 years was not enough time, 

I guess I'm trying to carry on as he would want me to he was so strong and taught me how to be strong. I hope I do him proud and when we see each other again, he will say "Good Job"

[widower2]

24 minutes ago, Deborah_M said:

Is this where everyone with a broken heart goes to find support?  Not sure, I've been reading some of the post and it seems like I can identify with each one. Some of you have been on here for some time, and it seems the grieving just doesn't get easier.

It does. It never goes away entirely of course, but it does gradually ease up, believe it or not. As much as I miss her and it still hurts, it's not the same searing agony it was in those early days. I'm so sorry for your loss. But as you alluded to, people here "get it." I hope it helps you in some way or other; it did me. 

 

[KayC]

@Deborah_M  Welcome here, I'm usually on very early am, sorry I missed this yesterday.  This is that place, where you go to let it out, knowing others will get it and understand.  It's 17 1/2 years for me, but I remember everything like it was yesterday.  It's weird how time passes yet our hearts still remain...it does get easier to carry eventually as we're not hit afresh with the triggers like we were in the early time, it's weird how our body adjusts even as we carry our grief inside of us.  It's something our families/friends can't get unless they've been there.  Mine hasn't.  Except my sister lost her husband 1 1/2 years before, and now even she is gone.  I feel like one by one everyone is going, and all leaving me here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[April Ballou]

@Deborah_M I am sorry for your loss.  You picked a good place to come.  We all have lost someone special in our lives.  It's been just over 2 years since the love of my life left this world.  I have accepted the fact he's gone and never will return.  I just have trouble being alone, but I'm getting better at it.  This is the first time for me to be alone.   Feel free to post whatever you have on your mind.  Feel free to read any of the posts.  I will pray for you.

[steveb1]

Deborah, I too am so sorry for your loss.  I know it certainly doesn’t feel like it now, but the pain and shock will subside.  I miss my lovely wife every day and like April, I am still adjusting to being alone.  You need to focus solely on yourself.  Attend to tasks that are only absolutely necessary.  And, reach out to others for help.  
 

Prayers and hugs, steve

[Deborah_M]

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

It does. It never goes away entirely of course, but it does gradually ease up, believe it or not. As much as I miss her and it still hurts, it's not the same searing agony it was in those early days. I'm so sorry for your loss. But as you alluded to, people here "get it." I hope it helps you in some way or other; it did me. 

 

Thank you Steveb1, So glad I found this site and the caring people who are here.  Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

[April Ballou]

For everyone here happy Thanksgiving.   I pray that each and everyone has a great day.

[Robert D.]

Deborah M

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It is just over 3 months for me now since I lost my wife of 23 years. The first thing I want to say is that I prayed to the Lord for you just now. It is, without any doubt whatsoever, a very dark, unbearable place there in very early grief. I was there very recently....and the truth is...words are comforting at that time...some. But, the next thing to know is....you will make it through this....you will not know it now..or how now...but...you will be ok....and you will get through this. Be good to yourself....if you can't do something....do not feel bad about it....be kind to yourself.

Something....the hardest thing you will ever go through has been foisted upon you....it is pure uncharted waters time....but you will get through it. You will learn from the wonderful people in here many things about this new life you are in....and they truly are wonderful in here. Things you can do...or not do....what you will feel and experience, that we too have experienced...and still are to different degrees on different days....and how to go on. 

You will be alright. Once again, I am sorry for this 'temporary' great loss in your life,....for as you know, you will see him again!

God bless!

Robert

[Deborah_M]

Thank You Robert, I need to hear these words and feel that there is some bright and happy days to look forward too.  I don't think I could stand it knowing that everyday I wake up I would feel the same as I do right now.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I'm sure your wife will be waiting for you in heaven. We miss them so much.  Thank you for praying for me. We all need prayer right now. Until I came to this site I had no idea there was so many of us who felt the same way. I'm sure in God's wisdom he knew I needed to meet like-minded people.   Thank you and all the others for reaching out to me.

May God's Blessing be with you

Deborah_M

 

[KayC]

@Deborah_M I hope you survived TG okay, it is hard to do holidays that first year especially.  Sending you and the other new ones hugs!

[Lost7]

Dear Deborah _M 

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life of 37 years. And as you say it just wasn't long enough...I wasn't ready to let him go. He died of COVID-19 and that was the only time he had ever been hospitalized. I will tell you I am right at a year's mark and I can see some improvement so please hang in there and I will be praying for you, it'll be okay Deborah I promise. I'm glad you found this website there are wonderful people here who feel your pain. Praying for you 

Blessings Lost7 

[Deborah_M]

Dear L:  So sorry for your lose as well, Thank you for your kind post, I have to admit, it's been rough.  Some moments (and I mean moments), I feel like I'm going to make it, and then right behind that that sinking feeling comes over me and I just wish God would come and get me.  I'm trying. 

Yesterday, my youngest son called me and was telling me about a family wedding, (ex-husband's family) and how much fun  they all had, I really was happy for him and his girlfriend and my daughter, but at the same time I was hurt, feeling like I was forgotten and 180 miles away from everyone.  Wondering how I'm every going to find a place in this world for ME?  I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sorry you lost your husband to covid, that had to be tough.  If there is anything I can do, want to share or anything let me know.  I'm new at finding a place in this world for me.  I just don't want my kids to feel they have to pickup the pieces.  Would love to hear from you again and how you have been doing.  God Bless, Deborah

[KayC]

Deborah, that is so hard, being left out for a wedding, even though early in grief and I'm sure not expected to come, still, it leaves an alone feeling missing out...I felt that at Christmas last years, snowed in and shoveling snow all day, missing Christmas with my son three hours away.  Didn't even have time to fix a decent dinner.

Finding a place for us...that is a challenge, it can take time, much of it.  I had that and my friend moved to another state to remarry, then after Covid came along it kind of polished it off...no more get togethers like I used to have with friends, and even having eased up, nothing has gone back like it was.  I live alone...I'm sorry it is that way for you too.

[Deborah_M]

KayC:  Hope you are able to be with your son this Christmas, My youngest son wants me to come stay with him for a week in Dallas.  I want to but having a hard time motivating myself.  Have two dogs that need taken care of and hate to spend money when I'm not sure what my monthly finances will be.  I don't want to stay alone, why am I afraid to make a decision?  Before this I was on the go all the time, running back and forth to the hospital, doing everything that needed to be done and now I can't seem to do a thing.  When the food runs out, I'm forced to go to the grocery store, need to go see the doctor, work in the yard, take the dogs to the groomer.  Can't seem to motivate myself.  I just want to stay in my isolation and try not to feel anything.  Can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, just lay there and think about how my life has changed.

I think I'm having a pity party right now...If my husband is watching he would not be happy with me.  He would tell me to be strong and carry on. easier said than done, Right?  If I'm going to get mad at anyone I guess it should be me.  I can't stand feeling like this.

KayC, you are an awesome person, hope to chat with you again soon...I want you to know I'm thinking of you, praying for you and wishing you a Happy Christmas this year.

 

[April Ballou]

@Deborah_M the holidays are hard on us all.  I was alone on Thanksgiving because my children were with their stheirs family.   Im probably going to be alone for Christmas too.  The plus side is we are having church on Christmas day.  So I will go to church then go home, just like every other Sunday.  Im supposed to go to Fairfield,  Texas Saturday,  not sure if I am.  I dont feel welcome around my husband's family.   Although my children are supposed to be there.  I'm just so confused.   I don't know what to do. 

@Deborah_M the holidays are hard on us all.  I was alone on Thanksgiving because my children were with their stheirs family.   Im probably going to be alone for Christmas too.  The plus side is we are having church on Christmas day.  So I will go to church then go home, just like every other Sunday.  Im supposed to go to Fairfield,  Texas Saturday,  not sure if I am.  I dont feel welcome around my husband's family.   Although my children are supposed to be there.  I'm just so confused.   I don't know what to do. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I think I'm having a pity party right now...If my husband is watching he would not be happy with me.  He would tell me to be strong and carry on. easier said than done

Would he really?  Or would he understand how hard it is to be missing the person we care about most in the world!  My husband would understand, but then he was always the first to understand me.  Even with my mistakes I've made in the years since.  Finding my way through this was extremely hard!  My husband thought I could rule the world!  He thought I could do anything!  He held me in such high esteem...I always told him not to take his rose colored glasses off!  Ha!  He's found out in the years since he died that I am not perfect, that I can't be/do everything, just how vulnerable and lost I've truly been...but I do my best.

I've learned to take a day at a time, not only figuratively, but literally, esp. in the wintertime.

[DWS]

19 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I think I'm having a pity party right now...If my husband is watching he would not be happy with me.  He would tell me to be strong and carry on. easier said than done, Right?  If I'm going to get mad at anyone I guess it should be me.  I can't stand feeling like this.

Deborah...please try to be a friend to yourself right now. Your sorrow and confusion over this tremendous loss are totally justified. If anything, you are doing exactly what is expected at times like these. Your husband and your comfortable everyday are missing. Love is why you're in grief and that's nothing to be pitied...it's something to treasure and for those around you to respect.

 

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Would he really?  Or would he understand how hard it is to be missing the person we care about most in the world!  My husband would understand, but then he was always the first to understand me. 

Thank you, KayC! I think one of the most difficult notions and platitudes for us grievers to deal with is this stabbing idea that our partners/spouses would want us to quickly pick up the pieces, carry on and not be sad for long. It's such an unfair statement....one that those who say it to us think is helpful. In most cases, it does the opposite. It can shame us for our tears and ridicule us for not being stronger than we are right now. I'm likely sensitive to this right now because I got that kind of bruising in a friend's email two days ago ("I think Tom would feel bad knowing you're feeling so sad"). I'm pissed that my friend wrote that and haven't yet responded. 

[Robert D.]

Deborah_M

I prayed for you just now.... and just to let you know that what you are going through....not sleeping,... not wanting to do things .. it's what we have all gone through and still do to some degree or another... you are going through the hardest thing a person can go through....and so....be kind to yourself....it's uncharted waters time.....but you will get through  it.... and you will get stronger!

God bless!

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

"I think Tom would feel bad knowing you're feeling so sad"

That was a horrible thing to say to you!  I know they thought it encouraging but quite the opposite!

7 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

you will get through  it.... and you will get stronger!

Yes!

[Jemiga70]

On 12/7/2022 at 8:39 AM, DWS said:

("I think Tom would feel bad knowing you're feeling so sad"). I'm pissed that my friend wrote that and haven't yet responded. 

@DWS  Wow.  I'd be furious if one of my friends said something like that.  That's right up there with what my a$$h0l3 BiL (no more)  said to me within days of my wife's passing: "You're still young. You can get married again."

If there is life after life, I only hope our soulmates have empathy for what we're suffering, not disappointment  that we are grieving.

[KayC]

II think they understand, they have more awareness now than they did here.

[I miss you so much]

Hello Deborah,

I imagine today is a specially hard day for you, two months since he's gone, so I want to send you a virtual hug from the distance.

It's also a hard day for me, four months today. We had never been so much time without getting in contact by mail, or a call, or a message...Last weeks, I've found myself thinking if he has been real or if maybe I have dreamed of him and our relationship.

I've found here a place where I think I can be understood, a place where I read about real people talking about their real struggle coping with this pain. It's curious how so many strange people, people that I don't know, can better understand and can be closer than the few people around me.

I feel your words like mine. My only reason to keep alive is the wish to put in order some things about him, even if I'm afraid I have little chances.

I used to say to him that I would like to live until 90 years old at least, with him... Now that he's gone, I wish that my time go quickly, like you.

On the one hand, even if I don't believe in an afterlife, I find myself hoping to be with him again, but if there's only the end, at least this nightmare, this nonsense will stop.

I have also thought about printing different pictures of him and put them everywhere, to have him around. I often feel the urge of closing my eyes trying to rememoring him, how it felt when he was with me, when life was still meaningful.

*************************************************************************************************************************************

I'd like to share with you all a quote from a Cecelia Ahed's book - The book of tomorrow :

"It's got nothing to do with religion, it's got nothing to do with mental stability, but it has everything to do with the human's mind natural instinct, which is to hope beyond all hope, unless you're a cynical bastard.

It's got to do with love, with losing somebody you love, a part of you being torn away that you'd do almost anything or believe anything to have returned to you.

It's hope that someday you'll see them again, that you can still feel them near you."

*************************************************************************************************************************************

You had the chance, Deborah, of having him for 36 years.

 

PS : English is not my mother tongue, I try to do my best

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing, you do fine with your English.  (((hugs)))

[Just Lost]

Lost the love of my life, my wonderful husband.09/11/2022, my heart is broken, miss him everyday.

[April Ballou]

@Just Lost I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you found this forum.   We all have lost someone special.   As a matter of fact my sweet husband died 9/7/2020.

[Just Lost]

I am sorry for your loss also, thank you.

[April Ballou]

@Just Lost your welcome 

[TGold]

On 11/23/2022 at 6:00 PM, Deborah_M said:

Is this where everyone with a broken heart goes to find support?  Not sure, I've been reading some of the post and it seems like I can identify with each one. Some of you have been on here for some time, and it seems the grieving just doesn't get easier.  I pray each night that my time on this earth will go quickly and I can be reunited with my soulmate.  I miss him so much.  It has only been one month and 9 days since he left this world but for me it has been an eternity.  I still say good morning darling, and I look at his picture and try to pretend he is waiting for me at the kitchen table.  36 years was not enough time, 

I guess I'm trying to carry on as he would want me to he was so strong and taught me how to be strong. I hope I do him proud and when we see each other again, he will say "Good Job"

I don’t know how to use the quote feature yet - i just discovered this wonderful forum last week. I’m only at a year 3 days into my loss and you just lost your soulmate 1 month and 9 days ago. I think in many ways, having an expectation to carry on the way the way he would want you to is premature. For me at least, I feel like it sets me up for failure because rather than motivate me, it makes me feel bad that I can’t celebrate life and go on all the adventures and dinners out with friends.  I think he would understand that.  You’re in very early grief, and I am as well.  I’m sure if someone said something like “maybe you’ll meet someone new who will make you happy one day” you may be inclined to smack them in the face because it’s way to early to absorb that.  Or perhaps you’re just a much nicer person than I am!  My Rabbi said this during his funeral service and I was mortified. After a year, I’m still tripping over live wires and have been able to take note of them and find alternatives like ordering groceries vs shopping in public. Other live wires I still can’t predict but I will learn from.  This is a rollercoaster of waves and unfortunately no one can bring him back which is really what you want to hear. My therapist was helpful in providing me with some structure. Really paying attention to the things that give me some peace that I can turn to when things get unbearable. I’ve found that my go-to running passion doesn’t work anymore because now my mind wanders to sad thoughts but doing something more creative or playing a sport that forces me to concentrate only on what I’m doing in the  moment provides reprieve. It temporarily removes the noise in my brain. Or, if you have to go out, having a game plan if you start to break down. Step 1, excuse yourself, Step 2, sit outside…maybe step 3 is going home.  Knowing  I had an escape route helped me. Also remember that grief is a reflection of your love.  You will always carry him with you for the rest of your life.  The suffering I know is what you want reassurance will subside.  I wish there was a manual, it is all so individual. I’d like to tell you I’m not suffering still, but I am.  It changes though, and you’re going to learn a lot about yourself, what you need, and what you must avoid.  Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  My wish for you is that you give yourself grace.  There’s no right or wrong way to get through this.  I’m sending you so much love during these chaotic times and I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

[April Ballou]

@TGold loss is hard no matter how long its been.  For me it's been just over two years.  Thanks to this forum and God I'm doing good.   I still have days when I cry or feel down.  But when I do I pray.  I don't like going into a restaurant because it feels like everyone staring at me.  But I go grocery shopping and I go to church.   Since it is basketball season I go watch my oldest granddaughter play basketball.   

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Just Lost said:

Lost the love of my life, my wonderful husband.09/11/2022, my heart is broken, miss him everyday.

I am so sorry you lost your husband, a hard enough day without that, but for you it will foremost always be your anv. of death...kind of like my husband rewrote Father's Day for me (when he died), although now it has a dual meaning because my son is a dad.  I am so glad you found this place and joined, you're now part of a grief family, if you want to be.  We want to be here for you, care about you and what you are going through, and listen to you.  It's the place we can jot down our thoughts, feelings, experiences, we can cry, vent, scream or share triumphs.  The more we read/post it helps our grief processing.  This can take a long while, nothing quick and easy.  Thinking of you today and praying some measure of comfort in your soul.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.