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Fleeting thought


Goforth860

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foreverhis

I understand this so much.  I don't care for winter, though we lived our whole marriage together in climates that weren't snowy (usually) or with too much freeze.  I don't like the early dark or the cold mornings and nights.  I exist from the beginning of November to the beginning of February.  Having John to keep me warm, both literally and figuratively, made those months bearable.  Now friends and family help a lot, but as we all know, the days and nights alone are wearing emotionally

Here on the Central Coast, we have days like today when it was in the 70s and glorious.  Of course, it gets into the 40s and high 30s now pretty fast after the sun goes down and we really, really, really need rain.  But it's hard to complain about a day where my sister, friend, and I decided to drive to a restaurant by one of the creeks, sit on the patio, revel in the sun, and eat delicious food (a treat as we don't go out to eat much).  We've had the usual odd weather swings this month (96 degrees one day, 55 degrees and pouring rain 3 days later, for example) and I do try to appreciate every beautiful day as a gift, which is easier now than it was the first 2-3 years.

Still, all the time I miss John.  I miss him saying, "Let's drive to the beach and look for pretty rocks today." or "Let's go get fish and chips while we watch the ocean." or "Listen to the rain.  Why don't I build a little fire in the wood stove and you make us hot chocolate (or what have you)?" and any number of special-to-us things.  I miss how he could make this winter months, the cold and dark, warmer and lighter.  I know I always will.

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I hate winter and it's starting, snow all week starting Sunday, who knows when it'll give a break.  Survival mode will begin.

Goforth, these thoughts come unbidden, and can feel so uprooting, I'm sorry, it hits you all over again.  I hated when that used to happen.  It's been so long for me now it's been a long time since that happened, I good and know he's not coming home, it's hard to live with but better than those fresh wounds.  I'm sorry.

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11 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

[...] It gets dark just after 4pm which makes it more gloomy, [...]

OMG, Sparky1!!!   Ain't that the truth? The other day I went to Walmart at around 2 or 2:30PM. (I just recently started driving again, after 3 years, so I'm still a little jittery doing that.) Anyway, so I was dicking around in the 'Christmas ornaments' section a little too long, I guess; and just rambling aimlessly up and down the aisles, and when I left the store it was pitch-effin black for me to have to drive in!

You know what I just this second realized? -- For me, it's either too effin pitch-black dark, or too effin bright-white light!!! I hate it, either way. (Yep...'resilience', and 'inner peace', and 'acceptance', and 'perseverance' and 'determination'. Well, all of that crap can go seriously to hell, as far as I'm concerned, is what I just this second realized.) Thanks to everyone...William and Gail and KayC and Michael and you, Sparky1, for me to just get my "moxie" (courage, strength, determination, resilience, etc., etc., etc., that all is crap), to just say: I hate it all!!! Dislike it; don't want it; despise it; hate it. (Please feel free to ask for my further clarification about it, just in case I have not made myself clear how I feel about it. 😄. If I don't laugh about it, I'm gonna hafta kill myself about it, or hire someone to do it for me. 🤣.)

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Sparky, yes it is getting dark earlier, too early for my liking!  Snow beginning early Sunday morning and every day beyond for who knows how long.  Last year this went into mid-May!  It used to be through March.  I don't like Winter lasting so long now, esp. here in the mountains.  There's been fatalities on our Hwy a LOT recently...kind of scary to have to drive it..  Going to my son's today, six hours driving over/back..Will drive to my daughter's then let her drive.  Her BF is coming with us.

Praying for safety today for all who are out.

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11 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

OMG, Sparky1!!!   Ain't that the truth? The other day I went to Walmart at around 2 or 2:30PM. (I just recently started driving again, after 3 years, so I'm still a little jittery doing that.) Anyway, so I was dicking around in the 'Christmas ornaments' section a little too long, I guess; and just rambling aimlessly up and down the aisles, and when I left the store it was pitch-effin black for me to have to drive in!

You know what I just this second realized? -- For me, it's either too effin pitch-black dark, or too effin bright-white light!!! I hate it, either way. (Yep...'resilience', and 'inner peace', and 'acceptance', and 'perseverance' and 'determination'. Well, all of that crap can go seriously to hell, as far as I'm concerned, is what I just this second realized.) Thanks to everyone...William and Gail and KayC and Michael and you, Sparky1, for me to just get my "moxie" (courage, strength, determination, resilience, etc., etc., etc., that all is crap), to just say: I hate it all!!! Dislike it; don't want it; despise it; hate it. (Please feel free to ask for my further clarification about it, just in case I have not made myself clear how I feel about it. 😄. If I don't laugh about it, I'm gonna hafta kill myself about it, or hire someone to do it for me. 🤣.)

Thanks Ronni, I absolutely sympathize with your feelings. The grieving of us here is so similar, it's scary. All those feelings you mention I go through every day. I understand what you mean by moxie, it takes big b*lls to go on with this miserable existence and loneliness, all of us are still here and that shows how tough we are. It's not easy mind you, we just have to be patient I guess.

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10 hours ago, AJ4 said:

" ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."

Yep!  Was thinking that just last night!

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, KayC said:

Yep!  Was thinking that just last night!

Yesterday was good with my sister and BIL, who are wonderful and supportive. Plus my sis did most of the cooking. She made a three dish Hawaiian style meal. So tasty and fun. All I had to do was make a few half size pies. Easy peasy.

But when I was on my own later, I felt extra lonely missing John. I either want him to come home, strong and healthy again, or have him come get me not too long from now.

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On 11/24/2022 at 7:53 PM, AJ4 said:

I have repeatedly had the thought " ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."  As if he were just off on a trip. Which I know is not true but yet I keep having that thought.

AJ4, up until 2020, when they found Ray deceased, I used to regularly have the similar thought about my Dad, who died in 1974. "Just come home already!!! It's been waayyy long enough!"

Since Ray's, though, he's been getting all of these kinds of my thought-feelings -- and/but hopefully my Dad ain't feeling too "neglected" at this point. 😁. Joking, of course. But honestly, most likely -- or at least, I hope and pray and wish, that their most likely current scenario is that the two of them are just feeling wonderful, individually and when they get together, by how I still feel about each and both of them: ❤️.

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Yes, indeed, SummerW669, it is extremely rough. Unfortunately, there ain't no way to sugar-coat it, either.

And the more we want and need and seek for guidance and help, we also need to not go diving into every single 12-page online article of "tips and tricks and guidelines" to 'help with' and 'overcome' our own loss, grief and grieving...because such articles/books, in and of themselves, can sometimes also just end up being overwhelming; and can potentially confuse and distraught and traumatize us even more than we are already feeling and going through.     At least, this was my own experience -- it took me a while to realize that the so-called "grief experts" and "grief counselors" and "grief researchers" really don't have all of the answers, and sometimes really don't even know what the hell they're talking about.  So, if you do come across something that doesn't feel right for you, or doesn't fit, or is or feels totally alien and abominable to you, then just ignore it. (It may make sense to you 6 months or 2 years from now, but, equally, it may never. That's gonna be okay, also. Your loss and grief are unique to you, even if no "expert" knows anything at all about how it is for you.) For me, I got back-tracked by some of these "tips, guidelines and 'experts'", so I do try to do what I can, to caution against that happening to any other of my fellow-grievers.

Love and hugs,   Ronni

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On 11/24/2022 at 7:53 PM, AJ4 said:

I have repeatedly had the thought " ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."  As if he were just off on a trip. Which I know is not true but yet I keep having that thought.

AJ4.  It concerns me sometimes how many times a day I say this out loud in this empty house.  'OK enough is enough.  Time for you to come back.'   Now I KNOW he will never be coming back.  And I can't say I feel any comfort is saying it out loud, but I just need to say it.  I need to say out loud 'What's for dinner?', 'If you don't feel up to cooking we can order something' and on and on it goes.  Just stuff I would normally say if he were still here.  And I'm going to continue to do that for as long as I feel the need to.  I have to keep reminding myself that there are no time limits.  NONE.  Maybe I'll do this forever.  Or maybe I'll stop next week.  A relative of Bob's asked if i would be moving.  And I told them that I would be moving by the end of the week.  Or maybe the end of the year.  Or maybe not at all.  It literally changes by the minute/hour/day.  I'm doing my best to go along with this grief ride.  Learning as I go.  Learning from other people's grief ride in this group.  And like a lot of people in here, I'm just tired of it.  Sick and tired.

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Dear Raelyn & SummerW669 

I am truly sorry for your loss. The crushing gut-wrenching horrible suffocating feeling that you both have I can relate. I lost my husband almost a year now could COVID-19 he was a healthy young man a 54 years of age and never been to the hospital until he went with COVID and passed away. I know it doesn't seem like it now but with time you will be able to find yourselves. Your children will need you and as mothers I know you both will fight like the lioness that you are. I will be praying for you both for strength and peace.

Blessings Lost7 

 

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Yes, praying for that as well. :wub:  Give it time to see some evolution in your journey.  Call a helpline if you feel suicidal, seriously.  Do not leave your kids!  It would devastate them.

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