Fleeting thought

[Goforth860]

I just had a fleeting thought of its getting dark... John will be home soon. It hurts so bad at these times. Don't know what where how or why that thought pops into my head. It's happened a cpl times before and it's crushing each time. I miss him so much and as the holidays get closer it's so much harder on me. My first. It's came so quick. He just passed but here it is Thanksgiving already. Before to long it'll be a year. Way to soon yet so long ago

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry Goforth, the loss of our loved ones is  devastating!

Not long ago i thought that he was not dead, for unknown reasons he was hiding somewhere... and i wanted believe it so much that  i felt a true relief for a fleeting moment....the idea i can see him again made me so happy that i cried of joy!

i think our brain need to believe that this nightmare is not true, and sometime we need to lessen our terrible pain in some way!

It is not strange and if it can help us this "magic thinking" is good...

Take care of yourself💕

[foreverhis]

I understand this so much.  I don't care for winter, though we lived our whole marriage together in climates that weren't snowy (usually) or with too much freeze.  I don't like the early dark or the cold mornings and nights.  I exist from the beginning of November to the beginning of February.  Having John to keep me warm, both literally and figuratively, made those months bearable.  Now friends and family help a lot, but as we all know, the days and nights alone are wearing emotionally

Here on the Central Coast, we have days like today when it was in the 70s and glorious.  Of course, it gets into the 40s and high 30s now pretty fast after the sun goes down and we really, really, really need rain.  But it's hard to complain about a day where my sister, friend, and I decided to drive to a restaurant by one of the creeks, sit on the patio, revel in the sun, and eat delicious food (a treat as we don't go out to eat much).  We've had the usual odd weather swings this month (96 degrees one day, 55 degrees and pouring rain 3 days later, for example) and I do try to appreciate every beautiful day as a gift, which is easier now than it was the first 2-3 years.

Still, all the time I miss John.  I miss him saying, "Let's drive to the beach and look for pretty rocks today." or "Let's go get fish and chips while we watch the ocean." or "Listen to the rain.  Why don't I build a little fire in the wood stove and you make us hot chocolate (or what have you)?" and any number of special-to-us things.  I miss how he could make this winter months, the cold and dark, warmer and lighter.  I know I always will.

[KayC]

I hate winter and it's starting, snow all week starting Sunday, who knows when it'll give a break.  Survival mode will begin.

Goforth, these thoughts come unbidden, and can feel so uprooting, I'm sorry, it hits you all over again.  I hated when that used to happen.  It's been so long for me now it's been a long time since that happened, I good and know he's not coming home, it's hard to live with but better than those fresh wounds.  I'm sorry.

[Sparky1]

My bones hate the cold, damp winter. We've had a little snow about a week ago, thankfully for the lakes we were shielded from the disaster that went over Buffalo. It gets dark just after 4pm which makes it more gloomy, lucky in less than a month the days start getting longer. Still, another good 4 months of miserable snow and cold, and without my wife here, the days drag on forever.

[Ronni_W]

On 11/22/2022 at 5:16 PM, Goforth860 said:

I just had a fleeting thought of its getting dark... John will be home soon. It hurts so bad at these times. Don't know what where how or why that thought pops into my head. It's happened a cpl times before and it's crushing each time. I miss him so much and as the holidays get closer it's so much harder on me. My first. It's came so quick. He just passed but here it is Thanksgiving already. Before to long it'll be a year. Way to soon yet so long ago

Dear Goforth860 ... so...I've barely been able to admit this to myself, but your post is giving me the courage and the strength. So, I do thank you so much, for that.

Sometimes my fleeting thought is, "This is all just a dream, and I'm going to wake up, and he's going to be not dead at all and still very much alive on Earth."

And then, sometimes, I admonish myself for being so silly/stupid, and unable to "accept and find peace" with my own actual reality on Earth. And then I have to remind myself to be more kind and compassionate towards myself.

For me it's been 2 months past 2 years. I just still want to -- and sometimes, fleetingly, I still expect to -- look out my window and see him unloading the car from a Costco-shopping trip, so that I can go and unlock the front-door for him. Just like we used to do it.

The one that isn't so fleeting at all: What did I do to deserve this; and what do I need to do, to fix what I did?

[Ronni_W]

11 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

[...] It gets dark just after 4pm which makes it more gloomy, [...]

OMG, Sparky1!!!   Ain't that the truth? The other day I went to Walmart at around 2 or 2:30PM. (I just recently started driving again, after 3 years, so I'm still a little jittery doing that.) Anyway, so I was dicking around in the 'Christmas ornaments' section a little too long, I guess; and just rambling aimlessly up and down the aisles, and when I left the store it was pitch-effin black for me to have to drive in!

You know what I just this second realized? -- For me, it's either too effin pitch-black dark, or too effin bright-white light!!! I hate it, either way. (Yep...'resilience', and 'inner peace', and 'acceptance', and 'perseverance' and 'determination'. Well, all of that crap can go seriously to hell, as far as I'm concerned, is what I just this second realized.) Thanks to everyone...William and Gail and KayC and Michael and you, Sparky1, for me to just get my "moxie" (courage, strength, determination, resilience, etc., etc., etc., that all is crap), to just say: I hate it all!!! Dislike it; don't want it; despise it; hate it. (Please feel free to ask for my further clarification about it, just in case I have not made myself clear how I feel about it. 😄. If I don't laugh about it, I'm gonna hafta kill myself about it, or hire someone to do it for me. 🤣.)

[KayC]

Sparky, yes it is getting dark earlier, too early for my liking!  Snow beginning early Sunday morning and every day beyond for who knows how long.  Last year this went into mid-May!  It used to be through March.  I don't like Winter lasting so long now, esp. here in the mountains.  There's been fatalities on our Hwy a LOT recently...kind of scary to have to drive it..  Going to my son's today, six hours driving over/back..Will drive to my daughter's then let her drive.  Her BF is coming with us.

Praying for safety today for all who are out.

[Sparky1]

11 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

OMG, Sparky1!!!   Ain't that the truth? The other day I went to Walmart at around 2 or 2:30PM. (I just recently started driving again, after 3 years, so I'm still a little jittery doing that.) Anyway, so I was dicking around in the 'Christmas ornaments' section a little too long, I guess; and just rambling aimlessly up and down the aisles, and when I left the store it was pitch-effin black for me to have to drive in!

You know what I just this second realized? -- For me, it's either too effin pitch-black dark, or too effin bright-white light!!! I hate it, either way. (Yep...'resilience', and 'inner peace', and 'acceptance', and 'perseverance' and 'determination'. Well, all of that crap can go seriously to hell, as far as I'm concerned, is what I just this second realized.) Thanks to everyone...William and Gail and KayC and Michael and you, Sparky1, for me to just get my "moxie" (courage, strength, determination, resilience, etc., etc., etc., that all is crap), to just say: I hate it all!!! Dislike it; don't want it; despise it; hate it. (Please feel free to ask for my further clarification about it, just in case I have not made myself clear how I feel about it. 😄. If I don't laugh about it, I'm gonna hafta kill myself about it, or hire someone to do it for me. 🤣.)

Thanks Ronni, I absolutely sympathize with your feelings. The grieving of us here is so similar, it's scary. All those feelings you mention I go through every day. I understand what you mean by moxie, it takes big b*lls to go on with this miserable existence and loneliness, all of us are still here and that shows how tough we are. It's not easy mind you, we just have to be patient I guess.

[AJ4]

I have repeatedly had the thought " ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."  As if he were just off on a trip. Which I know is not true but yet I keep having that thought.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, AJ4 said:

" ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."

Yep!  Was thinking that just last night!

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Yep!  Was thinking that just last night!

Yesterday was good with my sister and BIL, who are wonderful and supportive. Plus my sis did most of the cooking. She made a three dish Hawaiian style meal. So tasty and fun. All I had to do was make a few half size pies. Easy peasy.

But when I was on my own later, I felt extra lonely missing John. I either want him to come home, strong and healthy again, or have him come get me not too long from now.

[Ronni_W]

On 11/24/2022 at 7:53 PM, AJ4 said:

I have repeatedly had the thought " ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."  As if he were just off on a trip. Which I know is not true but yet I keep having that thought.

AJ4, up until 2020, when they found Ray deceased, I used to regularly have the similar thought about my Dad, who died in 1974. "Just come home already!!! It's been waayyy long enough!"

Since Ray's, though, he's been getting all of these kinds of my thought-feelings -- and/but hopefully my Dad ain't feeling too "neglected" at this point. 😁. Joking, of course. But honestly, most likely -- or at least, I hope and pray and wish, that their most likely current scenario is that the two of them are just feeling wonderful, individually and when they get together, by how I still feel about each and both of them: ❤️.

[SummerW669]

It's only been a little over a week since my Husband passed. He was only 41. I'm 31. Our daughter is 12. I feel like I'm still in a nightmare. Everytime my phone goes off, I think it's him. I keep thinking I hear his truck. That he's just "away" and that he'll be coming home soon. I go to sleep knowing what happend and wake up having to remind myself he's gone. It's been extremely rough. 

[Ronni_W]

Yes, indeed, SummerW669, it is extremely rough. Unfortunately, there ain't no way to sugar-coat it, either.

And the more we want and need and seek for guidance and help, we also need to not go diving into every single 12-page online article of "tips and tricks and guidelines" to 'help with' and 'overcome' our own loss, grief and grieving...because such articles/books, in and of themselves, can sometimes also just end up being overwhelming; and can potentially confuse and distraught and traumatize us even more than we are already feeling and going through.     At least, this was my own experience -- it took me a while to realize that the so-called "grief experts" and "grief counselors" and "grief researchers" really don't have all of the answers, and sometimes really don't even know what the hell they're talking about.  So, if you do come across something that doesn't feel right for you, or doesn't fit, or is or feels totally alien and abominable to you, then just ignore it. (It may make sense to you 6 months or 2 years from now, but, equally, it may never. That's gonna be okay, also. Your loss and grief are unique to you, even if no "expert" knows anything at all about how it is for you.) For me, I got back-tracked by some of these "tips, guidelines and 'experts'", so I do try to do what I can, to caution against that happening to any other of my fellow-grievers.

Love and hugs,   Ronni

[Kevin O]

On 11/24/2022 at 7:53 PM, AJ4 said:

I have repeatedly had the thought " ok I'm done with the pain and loneliness now. You can just come home now."  As if he were just off on a trip. Which I know is not true but yet I keep having that thought.

AJ4.  It concerns me sometimes how many times a day I say this out loud in this empty house.  'OK enough is enough.  Time for you to come back.'   Now I KNOW he will never be coming back.  And I can't say I feel any comfort is saying it out loud, but I just need to say it.  I need to say out loud 'What's for dinner?', 'If you don't feel up to cooking we can order something' and on and on it goes.  Just stuff I would normally say if he were still here.  And I'm going to continue to do that for as long as I feel the need to.  I have to keep reminding myself that there are no time limits.  NONE.  Maybe I'll do this forever.  Or maybe I'll stop next week.  A relative of Bob's asked if i would be moving.  And I told them that I would be moving by the end of the week.  Or maybe the end of the year.  Or maybe not at all.  It literally changes by the minute/hour/day.  I'm doing my best to go along with this grief ride.  Learning as I go.  Learning from other people's grief ride in this group.  And like a lot of people in here, I'm just tired of it.  Sick and tired.

[Raelyn]

SummerW669 my husband died October 24th- just weeks ago. He was 45. I am 42. We still have 4 small kids at home to care for. I constantly have to make sure this is real and when I realize it is I crumble every time. I sit and wait for him to come home. My heart hurts so bad I can't breathe. So I know how you feel. I have no friends or family. My husband was my bestfriend so I never felt I needed anyone else. I am so lonely it's unbearable. I was a stay at home mom and he worked at home. We were together 24/7. His family had heart issues as did he. But he was terrified of doctors and refused to go. We believe it was a heart attack, just like his grandfather and uncles who died young. The world looks different. Before his death I would pray and ask God to not allow me to die (I have what looks to be cancer throughout my body). I would cry and beg God to not take me from my husband or kids. Now I don't fear death in the least. I have my kids and love them dearly but if God chooses to take me now...I'm ready! 

[KayC]

My George was about 44-45 when we MET!  If he'd died then, we never would have known each other!  That is a sobering thought, I'm glad I didn't miss him although the years were way too short.  I'm sorry your husband had a heart attack, same as mine.  Mine went to the doctor, the doctor never took him seriously. 

 

[Roxeanne]

20 hours ago, Raelyn said:

have my kids and love them dearly but if God chooses to take me now...I'm ready! 

Raelyn i understand your desperation and deep pain....but don't say that please!

I don't think you want your kids feels the terrible pain of another loss! They are already grieving their dear father....and that is enough!

I know it's very hard for you honey but stay strong for them...they have only you now and they need you more than ever!

Take care of them and in their love you can find some comfort and solace in your hard pain!

Hold on! A warm hug Roxi💕

[ThirdG]

Raelyn, before I retired and became her caregiver, it was I who was coming home. Because of her disability, she couldn’t work. I’d take off my coat and go to the living room. She’d always be in front of her computer, working on something. She’d turn to me for a kiss, and we’d talk about our day. As with you, my spouse was my best friend. Married since 1975, we were immigrants through time from a different world. We could understand that in ways we couldn’t share with anybody else.

I lost her in August, after we both had major health issues that kept us unwillingly separated for almost six months. By then I was home, but it was never quite the same, even when she was still alive in the hospital. I’ve rediscovered the love of my siblings and the friendship of one of the neighbors. They keep me going, assuring me that they don’t want to lose me. The neighbor traumatically lost her husband more than twenty years ago, and assured me my grieving was more normal than I thought. I had no way of measuring it before.

I think that as they grow up, your children will slowly come to realize what you’ve been going through. The hurt of the loss you all suffered will make them stronger, make them value the people around them a little more. 

Where there is life, there is hope

[Lost7]

Dear Raelyn & SummerW669 

I am truly sorry for your loss. The crushing gut-wrenching horrible suffocating feeling that you both have I can relate. I lost my husband almost a year now could COVID-19 he was a healthy young man a 54 years of age and never been to the hospital until he went with COVID and passed away. I know it doesn't seem like it now but with time you will be able to find yourselves. Your children will need you and as mothers I know you both will fight like the lioness that you are. I will be praying for you both for strength and peace.

Blessings Lost7 

 

[KayC]

Yes, praying for that as well.   Give it time to see some evolution in your journey.  Call a helpline if you feel suicidal, seriously.  Do not leave your kids!  It would devastate them.

[Goforth860]

@Ronni_W I'm glad that i can give someone  good thoughts courage and or inspiration. If you were being for real. I mean I try to stay positive. Everyday is a struggle and some days are better than others. I know John would not want me to be falling to pieces. I know he knows I would. But I'm trying to live my life and make him as proud of me as i can. I have bettered my self in the 10 mths yesterday he's been gone. I have quit smoking and I'm losing weight. I've always had health problems and I'm doing what I told him I would do when we moved down here. I'm getting out of my house. I recently got a new puppy.  She's adorable but I haven't had a puppy in over 20 years. I'm way way WAY too old for a puppy. I should've gotten a Sr dog from the pound. No really. She has me walking at least a mile everyday.  If not 2 to 4. I needed a purpose.  Before her I was having days I did good to get 3 - 400 steps in. Now that was horrible.  But my cats are self coefficient. They'll see me tomorrow morning when it's time for food. My dog her whole butt wags when I  come into the room. I have purpose.  John wanted to buy me a puppy but he didn't want to force one on me so soon after I lost my Snoop. Well. Now I've got Justice.  Her name is actually Amy Justice White.  All my animals have full names Cali Anne and Precious Marie.  But I wish you the best and I hope I can give someone a good thought or some kinda meaningful something. I'm not always the best person or in the best mood but I do self reflect a lot. I ask questions as well so.... I did just lose Fred my fish. That's another loss I definitely was not prepared for.  But he's not in pain or suffering anymore so. It is sad looking at his aquarium being empty and dark though. 

[KayC]

 

@Goforth860 Are you enjoying your puppy?  Mentioned you wish you'd gotten a senior dog, but I hope Justice brings you some happiness/companionship, it can take time to adjust.  It was hard for me when I got Kodie because I kept thinking of Arlie, but Kodie wasn't daunted by my comparisons and grief, he just kept plugging away at my heart, and now I honestly do not see how I could live without him!  The years pass so fast, it's been over three years since I adopted him.  I know Arlie's life went too fast.  They're a puppy and then they're old...like me.