Finding our "moxie"

[Ronni_W]

I took on board the idea/concept of us needing to find our own "moxie" to even start to try to get through all of this that we're going through and having to endure.

But then also, it's been coming to me -- through interactions/experiences with other people who (don't yet) have any at all idea about any of this -- that there is a difference between having our own thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish "moxie", versus us also still having to have compassion, empathy, kindness and gentleness towards, and consideration for, all of our colleagues, friends, loved ones, etc.

Anyone else here dealing with this same kind of ... I don't eve know what to call it. Our own "ugly and unkind 'personal moxie'", versus something 'higher' than that. (???)     (Or, if not dealing with it directly, have something positive and constructive to offer?)

[KayC]

Moxie means courage, determination so not sure why you view it in a bad way.

I grew a lot of moxie when my George died, my protector was gone and it was up to me to stand up for myself.

I see that as a good thing.

It's not selfish to take care of ones self and stand up for ones self.  It's necessary.  I do it in a firm way yet try to be respectful and kind also.

I had to do that just yesterday to a pastor who is a bully (NOT mine!) and wrote on my FB.  I stood up to him then hid his comment.

 

[DWS]

I guess it's a matter of standing up and defending our continuing grief which is something that I certainly didn't see as something one would have to do. Blame it on our culture for so much emphasis on productivity and the cold, harsh pursuit of success, having things and "getting somewhere". I knew it right from the get-go way back on that first day of employment when we're to "leave all personal problems and dramas out of the office" and the young me wondering how on earth is that truly possible! And here we are, years later, now grieving the loss of our cherished loved ones and still there's this societal urging and nudge to eventually move on to something else...whatever that would be. If there's an increase in my moxie, it's because of love and defending that love. There have been some people in my life that simply don't get that and that's been disappointing but for the few who have listened to me in these past few months and shown interest in my words, it's been somewhat exhilarating. 

[Ronni_W]

On 11/22/2022 at 7:56 AM, KayC said:

Moxie means courage, determination so not sure why you view it in a bad way.

KayC, that was exactly my point: It is NOT "bad", in and of itself. But then on the other hand, in my other grief support groups, there are some people who do see and take their personal loss and grief as some sort of "free pass" to just stop also giving understanding, kindness, compassion and the like, to people who haven't (yet) been through such an intimate loss situation themselves. (These fellow-grievers of mine seem to be looking to receive all of that, but without the responsibility to also give the same in return. They seem to have forgotten, or looking for an exemption from, their side of the Golden Rule, {"Do unto others, etc..."}, so they're no longer sharing in a "fair and equitable exchange of Energy".)

Yes, we do need to be self-protective -- with some people, *very extremely* self-protective, even to the point of what might be seen as "forcefully" so...but, my point was, being able to do this still with also kindness...is the "good" part of growing our own moxie. As DWS said, standing up for our own self...but, my point was...in a 'constructive and positive' way that tries (as best I can) to not make the other person feel like shyte or 'less than' in any way..

I haven't sought the counsel of religious ministers/pastors, but certainly have, through my own 'moxie', pissed-off more than one so-called "grief counselor/expert". 😁.

[KayC]

Most pastors do not have training in grief.  I recommend professional ones, and there are some with a Christian bent if desired.

[Ronni_W]

On 11/24/2022 at 6:58 AM, KayC said:

Most pastors do not have training in grief.  I recommend professional ones, and there are some with a Christian bent if desired.

Thanks, KayC. 🙏; ❤️. Spiritual support is something that I have been sorely lacking and very much missing since the very beginning of this "journey/process" that I'm immersed in, that started when they found Ray's human remains.

I've got inner conflicts and contradictions to call myself a "Christian", because the 'Christian Old Testament' (which, as I'm sure I don't need to say, but saying it anyway, is The Tanakh in its entirety), includes/supports an angry, vengeful, jealous, arbitrary...which isn't the Kind, Gentle, Loving, Unbiased, Compassionate of the Christian New Testament.

So, I tend to think of myself more as a 'Gnostic Christian' follower (rather than a Judaeo-Christian follower), but which, even the term or concept of 'Gnostic Christian' doesn't truly or fully cut it for me, for my own self.

To get back to my thoughts from the other day, about the misuse of "personal moxie" amongst some of my fellow-grievers, is that they seen to tend to (sometimes or always) use it as an excuse/exemption for themselves, to not be as kind, gentle and compassionate as they might otherwise be able to reach for and demonstrate.

At the same time, I find myself less and less willing to not express my own experiences, and how things/people land on me, and of when I sense that other people are trying to either BS me, or themselves (but mostly when they're trying to 'gaslight' me). So...I'm very much aware of, myself, not misusing (or at least, trying to not misuse) my own personal moxie; but...not sure at all that I'm always actually being successful at not misusing it. (If you know what I mean?) Well...that sometimes, more than likely, I also am also misusing it. <Sad emoji.>

Love'n hugs, KayC. I sure do appreciate you for all that you do contribute and seek/aspire to contribute. 🙏.     Ronni

Edited November 26, 2022 by Ronni_W
All sorts of clarifications and fixes.