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Loss to suicide


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I lost my boyfriend to suicide 3 months ago. What might feel like a sufficient time to others, has been a long period of hell for me. Right now, all i want is to get back to him, meet him, talk to him. He was the only one who mattered. Others were secondary. I was secondary to myself. While we had our fair share of ups and downs in our 1.5 years long relationship, ultimately we were always together. We had all the plans for our then present and upcoming future. How we would meet even after leaving the college. 

Even after 3.5 months, everything feels fresh, the pain, the memories. I get random flashbacks of him alive and the day he left me. 

I feel he is around me most of the time. No, I have not moved on. I can not. I am unable to even though I tried. Now I am tired. I feel like crying even in public. My body loses all its energy. I get panic attacks so frequently. 

I want to die to be honest. I do not want to live. Everyday I manifest death. I keep thinking what ways are less painful to die. How may I die peacefully? When will my soul be liberated? Also, I should meet him after I depart from this physical body. 

Please pray that my soul meets his, super soon. For my purpose may be to become a good doctor, but it's too painful to do anything, to breathe, to live this life. 

I love him and will always love him. 

May we both meet soon! 

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Sufficient time?  No such thing.  I am so sorry for your loss and for the way it happened.  Of course you haven't moved on, none of us can!  There's only learning to live with it and that can take many years, life is never the same as "before."  Of course you don't want to live, but I truly hope you'll give yourself the gift of time to begin to adjust, it may take a long time, I won't kid you, it did me (it's been 17 1/2 years for me...(I wrote this article at ten years out), I don't want to scare you with the time though, everyone is different.  

I had a coworker I'd known since he was a little boy, it was a family owned business..he commit suicide, it was horrid for all of us to go through, but esp. his folks and sister, and his poor dog who was with him when he did it.  I needn't tell you how hard it was, you're living it.  My heart goes out to you.  
Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Thoughts Of Suicide in Grief

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.


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