Just a dream

[Kevin O]

I find it very odd but I have not had a dream about Bob since he passed away over 3 months ago.  Thursday night I sort of did.  I don't remember what happened leading up to this part, but I saw him from behind.  Didn't look like him. This guy was bald and thinner but for whatever reason I knew it was Bob.  When I got closer, he turned around and we hugged.  I said, "I missed you" then he said, "I miss you" and I remember flinching a little and thinking 'miss me'.  I'm right here.  Why did he say 'miss'. And then I hugged him harder and thought I am never letting go.  I could actually feel how tight I was hugging him. Then as dreams go, it ended.  I just needed to tell this story and I feel like no one would really care.  That's not entirely true.  I do have people I could tell this to and they would feel sad for me and do what family/friends do and say something nice but that's not what I'm looking for.  Not looking for pity.  Not looking for you to feel sorry for me.   The world is full of people in pain and suffering. Much worse than I will ever experience in my lifetime.   But I just need someone to 'get it'. Get that I am in constant pain and sadness, always just one thought or word away from starting to cry, just trying to make it through another day.  Wondering what's the point of making it through another day.  And I don't know how to convey that to family/friends without them feeling sorry for me.  I know that I would feel sorry for someone who felt like I do.  It's a no-win situation all around.

[DWS]

Dreams are amazing things for those of us in so much grief and despair. I came to realize that dreams play a significant role in our processing of what happened. Our minds have a lot more freedom to work when we're asleep.

I was alarmed with two dreams that I had about a month after Tom passed away. In both dreams, I was with him at the start but then there was a separation and I was left looking for him. I was so saddened upon waking because I wanted something better than that from these damn dreams. Interestingly enough, as the shock of his passing started to subside over the next few weeks, we were together again in my dreams and he didn't leave. I believe that those first two dreams were the buffers that my grief-addled mind gave me to help ease me into the reality of this loss.  I'm wondering if your dream is something similar...a slow introduction to ease you into acceptance. 

[KayC]

We do "get it."  I couldn't understand why when George and I were joined at the hip I didn't dream about him the first year!  Finally I did and in my dream I chided him with, "Where have you been!!"  When I woke up I was mad at myself for wasting the time chiding him (which I just didn't do), and for not just enjoying the little time we had together, of course I didn't know when I was dreaming he was dead, just that he'd been gone..

[AJ4]

It look me several months to have the first dream about my husband.  When I did it was such a welcome relief, that he was at least there when I was asleep that one night.  The first dream was just about the two of us doing normal stuff around the house, boring stuff.  Since then I've had lots of dreams about him.  Some distressing, some comforting that I didn't want to wake up from.  Last night I dreamed I was angry at him for neglecting me and we were fighting.  I woke up feeling guilty for things that I did in the dream (we didn't fight much at all really, and he sure didn't neglect me).  

 

 

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But I just need someone to 'get it'. Get that I am in constant pain and sadness, always just one thought or word away from starting to cry, just trying to make it through another day.  Wondering what's the point of making it through another day.  And I don't know how to convey that to family/friends without them feeling sorry for me.  I know that I would feel sorry for someone who felt like I do.  It's a no-win situation all around.

 I think a lot of people here know how this feels.  And sometimes you have to get stuff off your chest, just to share it with people that understand.   

[KayC]

6 hours ago, AJ4 said:

ast night I dreamed I was angry at him for neglecting me and we were fighting.  I woke up feeling guilty for things that I did in the dream (we didn't fight much at all really, and he sure didn't neglect me).  

You sound like my experience.  When this happens try to remember it's a dream and they don't always make literal sense...I think our anger part was from feeling abandoned, even though we know they didn't intend that, it's just a feeling and they don't always have to make sense.. 

[Ronni_W]

On 11/19/2022 at 10:59 AM, Kevin O said:

I find it very odd but I have not had a dream about Bob since he passed away over 3 months ago.

Hugs, Kevin. In the 2 years, I have had maybe 2 dreams of Ray. In a way, I'm sort of glad for it, because when I come back to my waking state...well, it kinda just sucks even more and feels more empty. (I ended up 'asking' him, "If/when you come to me in a dream, please, *before* it ends please remind me that it's just a dream and you won't be there after." -- I don't know how the 'dreaming stuff' works, but figured I might as well give this a shot. 😐.)

A couple of weeks ago, I came across some articles online about "dumb platitudes". One of the points was that many people try to "comfort" others by talking about pain and suffering as if it is some kind of competition -- one type being more valid, more "worthy/deserving" of compassion, kindness, gentleness, etc., than some other type. I'd never thought of it this way before, but did have to admit that I've been using the same against myself, to try to make myself feel somehow better. (The articles helped me to realize why my this 'strategy' hasn't been working at all! <LOL>.)     Yes...some of my life situation and circumstances can be seen as "better" than what other people have, but that doesn't make my own feelings of loss, trauma, grief, pain, confusion, loneliness, struggles, etc., etc., any less intense, difficult and, sometimes, debilitating, for me, nor any less "worthy/deserving" of expression, compassion, etc. (At least -- this is how I've started trying to switch-up my self-talk, so I don't minimize, belittle, discount my own stuff that I'm enduring in these times. Not always successful...but...as they like to say, "It's a process". 😩.)

It's also my experience that people who have never lost a truly meaningful, important and significant person to death, really have nothing to compare our experience to, so no points of personal reference to truly 'feel and comprehend' it. Sometimes it's felt like I'm the one who needs to be gentle with them, in their own lack of knowing and feeling terribly uncomfortable and helpless to really properly support/comfort me!  It's just an all-around crappy disaster! Your description is perfect: It's just a no-win situation. 🤕.

My condolences on your loss of Bob. Sending all possible comfort and strength.   Ronni