Members Popular Post kmbadman Posted November 18, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 Hello all. I’m now part of a club I’d never thought I’d be in. I lost my boyfriend on Tuesday (likely Monday). He passed away in his sleep. He was 40 years old. I found him Tuesday evening after I left work. We are both registered nurses and had met in nursing school. He was married at that time but I had a huge crush on him. We reconnected in October of 2021 - two months after the loss of my father - and he has been my best friend since the day we reconnected. Thousands of texts over the last one year and 11 days we were together. Our one year anniversary was 11/4/22 and he passed on 11/15/22. We had begun talking about a future and started planning a trip to Disney for this coming January. I haven’t been able to function since finding him. I am hoping for advice on how to start the process. I got a tattoo of his initials today because no matter what he will always have a piece of my heart (even though right now he has all of it). His family has been so nice. I hadn’t met them before he passed. He was very slow to open up since he had been divorced. I was his first serious relationship since his divorce and he was (for me) the love I had been searching for. I never got to tell him that I loved him while he was alive - I didn’t want to push him to say it if he wasn’t ready, so I was going at his pace and letting him say it first. He alluded to it recently during a campfire - saying the fires of love are burning - but not directly. I did give him a kiss and tell him I loved him before the coroner took him away and sent him a final text message of the same. He has been my strength and courage since the loss of my father and I knew that with his support I could do anything. I need HIM now more than ever, but he is the one person I cannot have. I had an awful nightmare Monday night into Tuesday where I woke up terrified because I felt like someone was with me in bed (I was alone at my house) and I genuinely believe that was a sign from him when he passed. I couldn’t return to sleep and went to work Tuesday very anxious. I didn’t get my usual good morning text so throughout my 12 hour shift I texted and called and got more panicky. By the time I left my shift I had decided to go to his house - it was snowing and the drive took a long time. I found his cars in place, mailbox full, and his dog whining for me when I knocked. I could see his phone ringing on the table. I knew then and started crying and went in using his hidden key and found him lying face down in his bed obviously deceased. I was hysterical and called 911. I’ve been living a nightmare ever since. Any help or advice is appreciated. Thank you for listening. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted November 18, 2022 Members Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 I am so sorry for your sudden and tragic loss. My partner passed away in his sleep as well almost nine months ago. We didn't live together and like you, I didn't have my usual good morning text from him. It was unexpected and happened out of nowhere...and so unfair...so I understand. I'm afraid I don't have much advice but all of us here know the agonizing grief of loss and are here to listen and support. Give yourself much comfort and hopefully you have family or a friend or two to be there for you. Warm hugs to you. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 18, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 9 hours ago, kmbadman said: I lost my boyfriend on Tuesday (likely Monday). He passed away in his sleep. He was 40 years old. I am so sorry for your loss! Same age as my daughter! My niece lost her fiance a couple years ago, they were around 21. It's the hardest thing in the world to wrap your head around, how they can be here one minute, and not the next. I remember feeling, going through the same things when my husband died, he worked nights and would always call as I was getting off work, also at 7 pm, and when those times rolled around to silence, it was very hard, always triggered me. Eventually it sinks into you and it doesn't trigger you anymore. I don't remember when I got used to it, but somehow I did, it's 17 1/2 years later and I no longer wait for those times.. It helps to come here, to know there are others that "get it" and understand, and to know your feelings are "normal" in grief. Nothing about any of this feels normal. I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Robert D. Posted November 18, 2022 Members Report Share Posted November 18, 2022 Kmbadman I am very sorry for your loss.. it was very hard reading what you went through and I know that you are devastated. Everyone in here knows exactly what you're going through to some degree or another in some way or another because we've all suffered traumatic loss.. and and the wonderful people in here will be here to respond and to help and encourage and give great advice about what lies ahead...things that well help.... but I want you to know that you will make it through this.. when it's very dark as it is now for you and as it will be at times going forward I want you to know that you will make it through this.. I am just right after 3 months with the loss of my wife of 23 years and I am making it.. trusting in the Lord.. and also so grateful to the wonderful people in here who are my family now... and they are simply wonderful and will always be here as they have been for me they will be for you and I will be too.. God bless you!! reach out and post as you feel able...be strong. You will get thru this ....!!! Robert 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now