Just Needing to Express Some Feelings

[MichaelR]

Just checking in and needing to let some feelings out.  It's been about a month now since my wife's passing.  I awaken each morning and immediately recall that I'll be getting up to another day without her.   Each day brings waves of pain and ache that seem to surge and almost overwhelm me, but then in evenings they can subside a little so I can at least hang on for a next day.   I really don't know how I'll get through the holiday season, but, in fact, I not thinking too much beyond the next day anyway.    

 I have no family close by and no close friends, so it's just me.   It's lonely and I'm afraid of what lies ahead and whether I can keep myself together.  

Among all the other feelings, I also have a sense of having been abandoned.   We loved each other beyond measure, and I know this was not a "choice" on her part.  She was so ill and was suffering.   But I'm still feeling left behind to somehow cope on my own with everything we would always face together.   And I ask myself why, and I don't know what kind of life there can be now. 

Thank you for the responses to my other post, (House of Triggers).    All the triggers in and outside our house will continue to be a huge challenge.   So far, I haven't dealt with any of things in our home and don't know when or if I'll be able to at some point.  But I very much appreciate the thoughts offered.   

 When I go to bed, I avoid looking over to her side of the bed.   When we'd go to bed at night we would always talk a little bit, and hold hands for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep.  Now I can't look over to her side because I don't want to see her not there.   

 So, just some feelings I needed to get out this morning. 

Thank you, and please take care,
Michael

[Gail 8588]

MichaelR,

This is the hardest part, trying to find a way to live without them.  Basic issues like "How can I get some sleep?".  Some people can find a way to sleep in their "marital" bed by using lots of pillows, sleeping on their spouse's side of the bed, looking the other way. Others can't sleep in their former bed and sleep on a couch, recliner chair, or on a bed in a different room.  I couldn't sleep in our king-sized bed and started sleeping in a twin bed in a spare room. Five years later and having moved twice, I still sleep in a twin bed. It works for me. 

It is every aspect of our life that has changed. Our breakfast routine, shopping, closet space, where to park the car, the never ending screaming silence of their absence. It is overwhelming. At least it was for me.  I am a person who has always struggled a bit with change, even good change.  To have literally everything in your life change all at once was a tsunami for me.  

There is no rational explanation for all the things that feel devastating.  I remember being inconsolable when I removed his hair care products from the shower, months after his death.  I was sobbing over shampoo. What was wrong with me?  But it was so personal to him, and removing it was so  final. 

I hope you will feel not quite so abandoned. We understand how hard it is just to get through each day.  In time you will find ways to live without her here, but feeling her loving presence all around you.  It's not as good as actually having them here, but it is not as hard as it feels right now. 

Gail

 

[MichaelR]

Thank you, Gail !  I really appreciate your thoughtful response, and your understanding.

[KayC]

Gail's responses are always so right on.  I thank you, Gail for being there when most needed!

I have not been able to sleep in our bed since...I sleep in a loveseat recliner.  It's worn out but still I keep it, it's comfortable.  Kodie starts out his night with me and at some point he moves to the floor or the other loveseat.  Trying to sleep in the bed without him is a huge trigger, we always slept entwined.  I got my best sleep with him.  I can't always go back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night.  In his arms I'd sleep like a log.

You mention the holidays...whoever thought them up was NOT a griever!  That's for sure.  Maybe it was Hallmark or Amazon.   Or Lifetime.  Not into that.  Yet it's hard being alone on them, I was last year, shoveling snow all day on Christmas.  Not even time to prepare a decent meal.  If you don't want to do the holidays, I'm pretty sure they don't have holiday police out checking on us. It's okay to skip it is all I'm saying.  Or play it down..  Esp. since you don't have family/friends there.  Or maybe go to someplace that serves a holiday meal.  I'm sorry you have no one there, I don't either.

[Kevin O]

On 11/17/2022 at 5:48 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I remember being inconsolable when I removed his hair care products from the shower, months after his death.  I was sobbing over shampoo. What was wrong with me?  But it was so personal to him, and removing it was so final. 

So it's not just me.  Bob had this expensive shampoo that he swore made his thinning hair look thicker.  After he died I started using it because it was a reminder of him. I don't like the smell of it but I use it because it's makes me feel connected to him.  I'm sure when the bottle is empty there will be tears and a sadness that I can't explain. And as you wrote, it was so personal to him and removing it is just another final moment added on to all of the other final moments that have happened and are yet to happen.

It's been just over 3 months for me MichaelR and that too is still my first thought when waking up.  During the week I can 'handle' those thoughts because I get up and get ready for work (and by ready I mean getting coffee and walking down to my computer in the basement since I've been working from home since the pandemic started.).  But it's a routine.  It's the weekends that are the worst.  Time to debate what time to get up.  Time to debate why bother getting up.  Time to remind myself that I am now alone.  

You labeled this thread  Just Needing to Express Some Feelings which is perfect.  I came down to write about a dream I had and the label was going to be  I JUST NEED TO TELL SOMEONE.  While it has only been over 3 months, I feel like I've run out of people that want to hear about how I really feel.  People move on.  I get it.  Coming here allows for getting thoughts and feelings out of my head.  And for that I thank this group.  Doesn't make it easier but it makes me feel less alone. 

[KayC]

Kevin, No it's definitely not just you!  I went through the same things, EVERYTHING is a reminder and EVERYTHING makes us cry in those early years.

[MichaelR]

These past weeks morning thoughts and feelings on waking into another day without her can just consume me.   I find I can get really seized by these thoughts particularly if I'm getting up to a day when I have, literally, nothing to do.   It helps some if I have some small task or matter I must attend to that day.   But in the evening, if I know I have nothing to do the next day (which is the case on most days) I know I'll be in trouble if I don't have something.   So, I've tried to find and plan something that will occupy me in the morning and I may put this on a post-it note as a reminder for myself when I get up.   I find it not easy to find an activity that is not potentially triggering - and that means, for me, ruling out anything involving the "things" in our home.  It also can't be potentially stressful, because I am so easily stressed right now and not handling it well.    But I did find something.  Recently I started playing or relearning the piano again after being away from it for years.    So some time in the morning with the piano, doing some finger exercises or maybe learning a new song, has helped me a little in getting through  a rough period in the morning or afternoon.

 Sometimes I will try to get out of the house and walk or drive somewhere just to try to distract myself or divert my thoughts away from the grief and ache.   It will sometimes help a little.   However, as you've said KayC, EVERYTHING is a reminder, so that there is really no place I can go that doesn't evoke memories of our being there together, followed immediately by all the feelings of aching and loss.   Then of course, I have to come back to our home at some point, which means entering a house that feels, as others have said, so silent and empty.  There seem to be many difficult times in any given day, and coming home is definitely one of them for me.   But still, it is our home - and I just can't imagine ever calling it anything other than OUR home. 

 

Kevin O, Gail, KayC, thank you so much for your sharing your thoughts!   It helps.

[KayC]

MichaelR, Wow, learning to play the piano, that is a lot and I applaud you for the effort!  

It helps that I have a schedule, less holes to fill.

[AJ4]

I haven't been able to lie on my side of the bed since my husband died a year ago. I switched to sleeping on his side because the thought of looking over to my right and knowing he wasn't going to be there was too awful.  So now I'm on his side and usually my dog is on the left side.  

[Raelyn]

Wow, I could have written what you wrote for myself. I lost my husband 4 weeks ago. After 23 years of marriage. I feel the same....haven't moved any of his belongings and not sure if I ever could. My husband and I also talked and held hands at night. I wake up in the morning and am flooded by what my life is now and memories of his day of death which was completely unexpected. He wasn't ill, but was already deceased by morning with a suspected heart attack. I would give anything to have him back. I don't understand why God chose to take him. I am sorry I don't have anything more to say to be of help but hopefully it helps to know you are not alone in your suffering.

[MichaelR]

Thank you for your note, Raelyn.   I am so sorry for your loss.   I am completely with you in the feelings you've described. Yes it does help, at least knowing that we are not alone in this.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Raelyn said:

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago. After 23 years of marriage.

I am so sorry for your loss, @Raelyn.  Welcome here, I hope you'll continue coming here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and know we aren't alone in our feelings/experiences.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

On 11/17/2022 at 5:48 PM, Gail 8588 said:

This is the hardest part [...]

Gail

Gail, you write so beautifully, and eloquently, and elegantly.

I keep telling myself, "Ronni, just copy over all of Gail;s posts, but also without any identifying markers, and turn it into a published book of your own...and you will make all kinds of fortunes for yourself!" 🙂.

But...no, that's not for me. But...have you considered this for yourself, Gail 8588?  (just 'copy-and-paste' all of your own, original posts.) You really do have an insight into, and way of understanding and expressing, 'loss, grief, traumatic loss and traumatic grief', that, in my own research and 'Googling', no other "grief expert(s), researcher(s), counselor(s)' who are out there right now, have;;and, your cherry-on-top, a beautiful, elegant and compassionate way of expressing it. (And, I've been 'Googling' tor this for over 2 years now....up until today.)

For me, I most appreciate that you are not just giving/posting any standard "boiler plate template" of "tips"; and also not just doing that without any thought (thoughtlessly); and you are not doing any of that without any seeming consideration (inconsideration) for where your fellow-griever is in her/his/their own unique and personal "journey" and "process", at the exact moment that you respond. Sometimes even the most well-meaning people just don't know or can't figure out when they're not helping at all, and even are hurting and harming with what they think-feel-believe is their "help"..

When I 'tag' "angel wings"...it is that I see you as an angel on Earth. ❤️.  Ronni

[Ronni_W]

On 11/21/2022 at 12:46 AM, MichaelR said:

[...] Yes it does help, at least knowing that we are not alone in this.

For me. Yes it all does help to feel "not alone" in my grief and loss and struggles. But, at the very same time. Of course that's also just me telling myself total BS. [Because]  Nobody else, in real life or online, knew Ray the way I knew him. so, I am 100% alone in how I knew him. And I am 100% alone in how I miss him.

I posted somewhere else on this site how it is 'grief' that is effed-up, and not us as individual Human Beings. For me and to me, Grief itself is SO effed-up that it can easily make us feel effed-up, too. Just my own ramblings.

[Gail 8588]

@Ronni_W   Thank you for your kind words.  I don't think of myself as a writer at all. I am sure I will never put together a book.  You are free to use my posts in any manner you chose. 😊

 

[Ronni_W]

On 11/22/2022 at 8:56 PM, Gail 8588 said:

@Ronni_W   [...]  You are free to use my posts in any manner you chose. 😊

😁. Thanks, Gail. Full disclosure, though: I *do* use excerpts from your posts, (and from posts of others here), in my hand-written journals, but do always give proper credit (" ~ posted by Gail 8588, in Grieving.com forum, at <time/date>".)

In two, totally-different-topic workshops that I recently attended, in each one came up the concept of "impostor syndrome" -- a term I'd never heard before, so guessing it's a new 'trend'.     In any case. The one was senior folk who don't feel "worthy/deserving" to call themselves religious ministers; and the other was Grade 12 students dealing with their own doubts and anxieties about feeling "worthy/deserving" as Grade 11 Advanced Functions students. (I swear those were the topics, and mention it only to show the age-range and topics-range.)

All of that to say...just cos you don't (yet??? <grin>) think of yourself as "worthy/deserving" to think of or call yourself a writer...well...those 'functions' students also didn't, but then they passed the course with high marks, nevertheless.     (Oh, crappers...I see you've already got 1.4k posts...that's a lot of "copying-and-pasting" you gotta maybe put on your schedule! 😄. Probably not even going to be at the beginning of ready to publish for about another 5 or 10 years! But...I'll be patient. Looking forward to seeing it on Amazon's 'bookshelf'.)   With all kindness and humour, Gail, thanks. ❤️.   Ronni

[SummerW669]

You're not alone. It's only been a little over a week since my Husband passed. Every single thing is a trigger. I go to sleep knowing what happened and wake up having to remind myself that he's really gone. I can't wrap my head around it, but I know it's real. I can't believe it's been a week already, time is moving forward but I feel like I am stuck on the day he passed.

[KayC]

Oh @SummerW669, It is so hard, just a week into it, I was still in shock, very much so, and could barely function (idea of functioning: get up, get dressed, eat, drink something...) my daughter had to follow me around the house trying to get me to eat/drink something.  I got severe edema and had to go to the doctor (sign of heart issue).  Passed the stress test, got on BP Rxs...haven't been able to get off of them since in spite of healthy eating, regular exercise.  Sigh.  Another fallout from losing him.

Yes I think we all are stuck on the day they passed, at least it can haunt us if we let it, in the early days we can't stop that happening.

 

[steveb1]

Those first weeks were filled with such debilitating pain I could barely function. Coming here was and continues to be my sanctuary even though I don’t post as often as I used too, I still read the gems/posts/insights that folks share.  This site and forum are an example of “Social Media” at its best.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, steveb1 said:

This site and forum are an example of “Social Media” at its best.  

I never thought of it as social media, but more like a family, but I guess you're right.

[steveb1]

On 11/27/2022 at 7:38 AM, KayC said:

On 11/26/2022 at 4:39 PM, steveb1 said:

 

I never thought of it as social media, but more like a family, but I guess you're right.

I like “family” much better:)