Please tell me this is normal

[behindthedunes]

I lost my husband a month ago. He was abusive and an addict and left him. 3 weeks later, he passed away by accident.

I can't look at a photo of him. If I think about him or the fear he must have felt and how alone he must have been before he passed, my stomach drops. I feel such intense fear in my stomach if I accidentally see a photo of him. I know I'm still I denial somewhat but is this 'normal'? Will that fear pass and will I be able to look at his photos? I've never felt this kind of fear and sadness. It's beyond anything I've ever experienced.

It's a complicated grief, I know that. And I feel guilty for leaving him with his mental health issues but I did what I had to.

My brain is obviously all over the place. But I'd just love some words of wisdom and hope.

[KayC]

Yes what you are experiencing is normal under the circumstances.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did what you needed to do for your own mental health and well-being.  That he died then is merely a matter of bad luck, coincidental timing.  I can tell you this until the cows come home but it will possibly take therapy to have it begin to settle in, so I hope you will schedule an appt.  
Complicated Grief (now known as Prolonged Grief Disorder or PGD
Complicated Grief?
Complicated Grief: Mourning an Abusive Mother

I know the last one is a different relationship, but still, what you go through is similar.  I did go through abuse growing up (mother but dad was alcoholic).  It does complicate grief somewhat.  Dementia got my mom, and she was medicated so a little softer, which helped.  All of us kids were each other's greatest supports, however we chose to handle her, and that helped tremendously.  But in your situation you lived with your husband nearly to the end and that is very hard. Dr. Harley on MarriageBuilders.com says when they're using or drinking, there is nothing you can do with the marriage.  You have to look out for yourself.  Because he chose to use, seemed to make it your problem, but it wasn't, it was his.  It just affected you.  I'm so sorry you're struggling with this!
Death That Brings Relief: Suggested Resources

 

[behindthedunes]

Thank you @KayC for your wise words and those links. It really is and was a complicated situation and now the grief is the same. So much trauma to address, unfortunately. I made an appointment next week with a psychologist so I'm hoping that brings some relief and hope. Because right now I'm in a very bad place emotionally and mentally.

[KayC]

Hang in there.  I know Australia is limited in resources for grief, we've had others in that situation.

Just keep coming on here.  Make sure to do self-care, eat something, go for a walk, maybe spend time with a furry friend (a couple of us have borrowed one).  Talk to someone supportive, family/friend.

[Gail 8588]

@behindthedunes

I am so sorry for your loss.  To be flooded with conflicting emotions is very normal in grief. Many of the folks here have expressed their longing and love mixed with their anger and feelings of guilt along with all sorts of additional emotions.  Our brains try to find an explanation for this unimaginable turn of events and we loop through all the "why didn't I . . ."  "If only ... ." How could (s)he have. . "why didn't the doctors . . " "how could God ..."

For me there was an infinant loop of blame, anger, guilt and dispair. 

Kay has a wealth of resources that she kindly provides that have helped many of us. You may not be able to view them right now, but keep the links, as you may be able to watch them in the future. 

Your loss had complications that others may not have, but even in uncomplicated deaths confusing and conflicting emotional responses are normal.

Hugs

Gail

 

[steveb1]

Behindthedunes,

I’m so sorry for your loss.  Your emotional turmoil is normal, but you have nothing to feel guilty for.  I had similar emotions after my wife Chong took her own life.  This forum gave me much needed insight into understanding my pain, and that the pain will lessen over time. The community here is made up of some exceptional folks.  You are not alone. 
 

God bless, Steve 

[KayC]

As Gail said, you can have differing emotions at once, they need not make sense, they just are.  Go through the moment with them and don't try to make sense of them, they are what they are.  Nothing about this seems logical.