House Full of Triggers

[MichaelR]

[MOU1] 

It's been almost a month now since my beloved wife passed.   I'm not sure how I've managed to get through the past weeks . Each day has been a challenge.   We've been together sharing all of life's experiences - just the two of us - for so many years,  I am still having such trouble accepting that she is not here with me in OUR home

 A particular problem I'm sure others will be familiar with, is related to all of the "pain triggers" everywhere in our home.   There is literally nowhere I can go anywhere in our house without seeing things that immediately trigger thoughts and recollections of her, followed by waves of emotion.    

 On the day I received the news of her passing I had to collect her things from the hospital.  I brought them home in a bag which I placed in the hallway.  That's where that bag stayed until last week.  I was about to put a few of the things away but after a quick look at its contents, I knew I would not be able to handle this.  The contents triggered Immediate thoughts and recollections of her ordeal - thoughts that were just too painful.   I ended up putting the bag in the garage, and out of sight.

 Of course the more general problem is that everywhere in our home, there are things that reflect our life together.  Whether it's pictures on walls, what's on shelves, our books, our furniture - virtually everything - they all trigger thoughts of our life and history together, -thoughts that bring waves of emotion and grief.   Because I can't get away from everything in our home, some things I seem to be learning to live with, without thinking about them too much.   But then I'll go into another room, and happen upon something that will be an immediate trigger.  It could be anything - a piece of jewellry, a pill bottle, an item or clothing and so on.   Our shared closet with her clothes, is a place I find myself avoiding.   

 I don't know whether, over time, this triggering changes or becomes less difficult to deal with time, but I know it feels very hard right now.   

 

---

 [MOU1]

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, MichaelR said:

. . .  I don't know whether, over time, this triggering changes or becomes less difficult to deal with time, but I know it feels very hard right now.   

 

MichaelR, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  

"Pain triggers" were everywhere for me as well.  We were married for 38 years. He was integral to every aspect of my life. 

For me, in time it did get less difficult to deal with.  Now, approaching 6 years, reminders of him most often bring a smile to my face.

My husband loved life; our home was full of art, music, photographs testifying to his exuberant embrace of life. For the longest time every reminder brought deep despair. 

I can tell you it didn't help to move away from our home. Triggers reminding me of him and our life together were everywhere I looked even though I moved twice in the first 18 months following his death. 

Be patient with yourself. If it helps to put some of the items that trigger your grief "away" for awhile, try that. If you need to bring them back out, do that.  It's just trying to find a way to keep breathing.  The pain comes in waves. You will eventually be able to carry memories of her with you without having them crush you. 

I am sorry you have joined us on this terrible grief journey that none of us wants to be on. 

Gail

[MichaelR]

Gail Thank you so much for your kind note.  The perspective you've provided here I find hopeful.  Most appreciated.

 

[KayC]

What Gail writes is what I would write too.  Yet I still, after 17 1/2 years, have triggers...I still cannot listen to "our songs," it's too painful.  And I still can't peruse our picture drawer...but I know it's there.  Tucked away for...safe keeping?  Not like I'm likely to change after this long.

I still have his bathrobe hanging on the door in our bedroom/bathroom.  And once in a while I take it down and wrap it around me to feel his presence.  I still can't bear to go into the shop...it needs cleaned out but I can't do it, I grab what I need and close the door.  And if I don't know where it is, I don't look for it, I do without.  It's just too hard.

[Ronni_W]

Gail, most beautifully and eloquently expressed! ❤️. My experience (2-years-and-counting of it), is so much just like that. Thank you so much for sharing. ❤️. Ronni

[Agentsg]

I lost my love 2 months ago, we never married but we lived  together 20 years. Our children are grown and I am all alone. At first, I'd pick something up, then immediately put it down.. walked like a zombie and cried. I'd see anything and cried, heard his name and cried, I can't sleep in our bed, our bedroom has become a storage area for what I can't confront. My daughter gave best advise and a plan... she Saud, what didn't you like... I Said his feet... so 1st step gather all his shoes, I did.. they are in a box in the garage.. 2 weeks later I gathered his socks and underwear into a bag and bawled over underwear... 2 weeks later after I got my strength just to do that as I watched the garbage man take it away.... there is s I much more that triggers me..... maybe I'll do something more in spring.... tiny tiny baby steps and only if I feel courage..

[Gail 8588]

@Agentsg Baby steps are just fine. You have to give yourself time.

Gail

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Agentsg said:

I lost my love 2 months ago

I am so sorry!  I am glad you found this place and want to welcome you here.  Everything you've said, it's normal in grief.  Take your time, throw things away or don't, there's nothing saying anything needs done by a certain date.  If you want to have something stop triggering you, maybe box it up and put it in the garage to deal with later.  Label the boxes.\

I hung onto George's bathrobe, fishing vest, just things that seemed very personal.  I still wrap it around me sometimes, it's been 17 1/2 years.  I still can't go in the shop long enough to clean/organize it, it shows, I open the door, grab what I need, and get...it's full of ghosts (not literally, but you know what I mean).  It amazes me so much time has gone by.  I still love and miss him each and every day.  Eventually it settles into something you can carry, more manageable, but those early months/years are rough.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.