Scattering Ashes

[AJ4]

I'm trying to deal with the emotional issue of a final resting place for my husband's ashes.  It has been a little over a year since he died.  We talked many times about what he wanted to happen to him after he died, but he never specified a place for ashes.  His first choice was the Body Farm where they study human decompostion.  This proved to be logistically impossible.  His second choice was donation to science, but I guess science said no, I couldn't get that to work either.     So the third choice he had was cremation.   He did say firmly that he didn't want them to live in an urn permanently on the mantle.  So I feel like I have a duty to scatter them some place he would have appreciated and that feels right to me.  I don't know if I should consult other family members on this or just tell them afterward.  I guess a lot of places ban the scattering of ashes, but I'm not overly concerned about legalities (I'm willing to be on the wrong side of some dumb laws.  I mean, ashes are ashes. They have emotional importance, but they aren't going to contaminate land any more than ashes from my woodstove do.  They are part of the earth. )  

One option is on my farm.  But then I think, maybe I won't live here forever and if someone else has this farm then I won't be near his ashes or able to visit any more.   

So, I don't expect anyone to come up with the answer for me, but has anyone had to deal with similar problems, what did you think about, what did you do?  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I'm trying to deal with the emotional issue of a final resting place for my husband's ashes.  It has been a little over a year since he died.  We talked many times about what he wanted to happen to him after he died, but he never specified a place for ashes.  His first choice was the Body Farm where they study human decompostion.  This proved to be logistically impossible.  His second choice was donation to science, but I guess science said no, I couldn't get that to work either.     So the third choice he had was cremation.   He did say firmly that he didn't want them to live in an urn permanently on the mantle.  So I feel like I have a duty to scatter them some place he would have appreciated and that feels right to me.  I don't know if I should consult other family members on this or just tell them afterward.  I guess a lot of places ban the scattering of ashes, but I'm not overly concerned about legalities (I'm willing to be on the wrong side of some dumb laws.  I mean, ashes are ashes. They have emotional importance, but they aren't going to contaminate land any more than ashes from my woodstove do.  They are part of the earth. )  

One option is on my farm.  But then I think, maybe I won't live here forever and if someone else has this farm then I won't be near his ashes or able to visit any more.   

So, I don't expect anyone to come up with the answer for me, but has anyone had to deal with similar problems, what did you think about, what did you do?  

I did just that.  I hung onto his ashes for two years wondering the same...we'd always talked about scattering them on our favorite walk...only we never did talk about where that was!  We thought we had many years left...no.

I thought and thought and realized, my husband always called this place "our home in the clouds" (we live on a mountain).  He was most at ease here, very at home and loved it here.  I finally decided this is where his resting place would be and scattered them, and put in a marker.

I realize when I get too old I will no longer be able to shovel snow and haul firewood, winters and summers here are harsh.  I had 2 1/2 months good out of 12 last year!  (snow/fires/smoke/evacuations)

I'm 70, so I know that day is approaching, I still hope I can hang in here a few more years.  So far I've survived on this mountain for 45 years and have lived here longer than anyone on this street!  I know everyone and love this community, so don't look forward to when that time comes...I think it'd break George's heart to know I'd had to move.  I also have several animals buried here, it'd be hard to leave them.  I have markers on all their graves, including where George's ashes are.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I think it'd break George's heart to know I'd had to move.  I also have several animals buried here, it'd be hard to leave them.  

From everything you've said of him, I'm confident he would understand. Plus if you have your ashes scattered in the same place, your ashes are bound together forever.     

Funny you mentioned animals. I have the remains of both of her/our dogs and shudder to think what would happen if something happened to me, so I am thinking of burying them or maybe scattering them in the very back part of her yard, at or near where they both romped and played (I will have to be careful as someone else lives there...but it's wooded in the back, so). It has a lot of mature trees etc (older neighborhood...) so I'm not sure I can bury them deep enough and worry what if they were dug up somehow? But I'd rather buy than scatter otherwise.  

[KayC]

I told my kids if/when they sell this place and I am gone, to make that a condition, otherwise they can enter from the neighboring property (no one has ever lived there and there's a kind of a road in between) and go toss them on the place where his were scattered.  I call it their "last adventure."  They love the idea.  I told them, you can retreat back and say your prayer...

And if someone wants inexpensive markers, this place is it: Personal Creations  You can look for promo codes on line to use or Join them and they'll send you one.

[Carol34]

It's been a little over a year since Paul passed away, and his ashes are in a hand-carved rosewood box, on a piece of furniture that he got from his aunt's house in 2020 when she passed away.  To look at it, you wouldn't think it was an urn, but it is. 

He was firm about being cremated, but never told me where to scatter the ashes.  Whenever we talked about it, he would say that he was going to outlive me, just so that he could scatter my ashes on the campus of my favorite college basketball team.  That didn't happen. He loved the Smoky Mountains, but I can't afford a trip there, so that's out.  I've decided that a large part of the ashes will stay right here with me.  I've had the people at the funeral home put small amounts in some small metal jars, so I can have them ready when I decide where to scatter them.  One place I know  for sure is the ballpark where we watched our grandkids play baseball and softball.  It was the last place he went (other than doctor appointments) before he went to Hospice.

[foreverhis]

John's ashes are in a handsome leather cylinder on top of our old entertainment center with a snapshot of him with our granddaughter that I took shortly before he was diagnosed.  I tell people, half jokingly, that it's so John can keep an eye on me.

We had talked about where we'd want our ashes scattered, but it would probably cost at least $10,000 to scatter him in all his special places.  Even just traveling to his most favorite one would be $3,000.  My budget can't really afford that.  Part of the truth is that I am not ready to part with them, with him.  I suppose it's a little selfish, but for now, that's the way things are.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Part of the truth is that I am not ready to part with them, with him.

I get it...a part of me kind of wishes, but then he was scattered where I know he'd want to be.  This is where he lived his best life.

[Ronni_W]

On 11/13/2022 at 7:20 AM, AJ4 said:

[...] One option is on my farm.  But then I think, maybe I won't live here forever and if someone else has this farm then I won't be near his ashes or able to visit any more.  [...]

Hugs, AJ4.   Not sure if this will, or how it might, work for you...but, what came to me was perhaps you could consider rather than literally 'scatter', perhaps bury the whole in an urn or other nice vessel, and place a remembrance/memorial marker, like KayC did. And then if/whenever you do move, you'll have the option to be able to move it with you? (Again, not really sure how this will sit with you, but...offering it anyway, just in case.)

For our mom, my brother and I decided to also go the "not-so-legal" way, and he scattered/mixed-in her ashes into one of his favourite public garden spaces that is very close to where he now lives; so, even if/when he does move, we know where we can 'visit' her.

For my husband, I don't know where his remains (ashes) are or what happened to them after they left the care of the funeral home, because I offered them to his sons, who did decide to take custody of it. At the time I was in total grief-trauma fog, but (thank goodness, really), I still don't regret having done it that way. How I felt about it then and feel about it today is that his Presence and Spirit were no longer in the 'human remains' -- but definitely was and will forever remain in the hearts, minds and Souls of all the people who had loved him throughout his life.

FWIW.

[widower2]

22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

John's ashes are in a handsome leather cylinder on top of our old entertainment center with a snapshot of him with our granddaughter that I took shortly before he was diagnosed.  I tell people, half jokingly, that it's so John can keep an eye on me.

We had talked about where we'd want our ashes scattered, but it would probably cost at least $10,000 to scatter him in all his special places.  Even just traveling to his most favorite one would be $3,000.  My budget can't really afford that.  Part of the truth is that I am not ready to part with them, with him.  I suppose it's a little selfish, but for now, that's the way things are.

It's not at all selfish, it's totally understandable.. we want to cling to whatever tangible part of them we can

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

It's not at all selfish, it's totally understandable.. we want to cling to whatever tangible part of them we can

Definitely.  I was talking to a friend yesterday about decluttering.  John and I had done some of that and are kind of "middle of the road" people.  We don't like things too sparse, but don't like fussiness either.

I mentioned that I've slowly been able to go through many of John's things and find them new homes, but am keeping some.  We joked that at least our kids wouldn't be dealing with hoarding houses when we died.  Then I said, "But I'm pretty sure the girls will look at a couple of things and wonder, 'What the heck...?' because only people who've been through it will fully get it."  One thing I mentioned is that John's hairbrush is tucked in the back of a drawer in the bathroom.  There it will stay until the day I die.  Not simply because it was his, but because there are strands of his beautiful hair in it.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There it will stay until the day I die.

Aww, I love that!  George didn't have much hair.   I didn't keep his false teeth.  But I have his trinket holder and there it stays with his stuff in it, keys, picture of me, etc.

I didn't have an urn, had a plastic container the size of a regular Kleenex box, I scattered his ashes so nothing to take with me, but it's long gone anyway with the wind, erosion, etc., but really all this is for us, the ashes aren't them, they are their spirit that is safe somewhere, but still, we think of it as belonging to them, and it feels like them!  It's all we knew, their body, but we knew their spirit most of all!  And that we take with us, wherever we are.  I've aged since then (esp. this year), yet I know without a doubt he'd love me as I am, wrinkles, grey hair, and all.  It was ME he loved.  The rest was just icing.  I remind myself that had he lived, he would have aged too and I know without a doubt I'd have loved him just as much, even more.

[widower2]

On 11/15/2022 at 9:34 PM, foreverhis said:

Definitely.  I was talking to a friend yesterday about decluttering.  John and I had done some of that and are kind of "middle of the road" people.  We don't like things too sparse, but don't like fussiness either.

I mentioned that I've slowly been able to go through many of John's things and find them new homes, but am keeping some.  We joked that at least our kids wouldn't be dealing with hoarding houses when we died.  Then I said, "But I'm pretty sure the girls will look at a couple of things and wonder, 'What the heck...?' because only people who've been through it will fully get it."  One thing I mentioned is that John's hairbrush is tucked in the back of a drawer in the bathroom.  There it will stay until the day I die.  Not simply because it was his, but because there are strands of his beautiful hair in it.

Yeah there are some of the simplest little things I have like that too. Like a simple, old beat up bottle opener she had when I met her and opened about a zillion bottles of beer with - I still have and use it. Or a wine bottle and glass from a winery that was the first one we ever got into - they stand on a little wooden wine rack in the living room. etc

[Jemiga70]

I had a local funeral home (not the same place where my wife's body was cremated) portion out some of the ash.  I took it to the west coast several months ago.  The coast was a special place for us.  My intention was to scatter that portion of ash at a few spots.  I couldnt do it.  I just...couldnt...do it.  The grief was overwhelming. I just couldnt part with even a cup's worth of her body's ash. So the ash came back on the plane with me.  I'm visiting the coast again in January and plan to try again. I remembered a new spot that was dear to us.

[ThirdG]

Amanda’s ashes are on a shelf of a bookcase she bought. On the shelf are some other mementos of her life; photographs, two miniature figures she painted, and our wedding rings. Her sister proposed taking her ashes back to Guatemala, where Amanda was born. However I wasn’t comfortable with that. I proposed dividing her ashes, so that I could keep part of her here. That didn’t go over so well. She died in August, and I’m still mourning her. I’ve been told by two others who’ve had similar losses that my mourning would last at least a year.

[Ronni_W]

1 hour ago, ThirdG said:

[...] I proposed dividing her ashes, so that I could keep part of her here. That didn’t go over so well. [...]

Hugs, ThirdG. My sincere condolences on your loss.

In my own experience also, we will not ever be able to please everyone. (My mom thought/"suggested" that I'd need to do another memorial service, because there were only 6 people at the one that I organized. It was in the height of Covid-19 lock-downs and restrictions. It didn't go over so well with me to have to put myself through another memorial service, so I just outwardly ignored her -- and inwardly thought that she just doesn't get it at all; she had NO CLUE!.)

When you are ready, just divide Amanda's ashes yourself, and memorialize it the way. when and if and how you want, and put the part that you won't be using/needing for your own memorialization ceremony/celebration aside, for whenever / (if ever) her other part of the family comes to their senses.

For me, and the loss of my own life partner and best friend. I will share that it's been a very long and arduous and torturous 2 years, and lots of struggle and hard work, and just sheer determination and perseverance and effort...but I still can't for sure say that I'm at the end of my "mourning/grieving" period/phase. Possibly -- and I'm truly hoping for myself -- that I'm at the end (or, at least, reaching close to the end) of the most intense and most traumatizing parts of my mourning.   But, other people don't have any idea how long it will take each of us, individually, for us to reach that point for our own personal self. Sure, it can be "at least a year"...but, it can also be "at least 2 years". Or 5 years. That is to say, perhaps best to just follow your own Inner, and don't allow other people to try to dictate it for you. Is what I would share, based on my own experience.     Ronni

[Ronni_W]

6 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

[...] I just couldnt part with even a cup's worth of her body's ash. So the ash came back on the plane with me.  I'm visiting the coast again in January and plan to try again. I remembered a new spot that was dear to us.

Jemiga70, for myself, I'm doing it pretty much exactly as you are -- I feel all "strong" and shyte like that, and all..."Today I'm gonna deal with this section of his tools. For sure, I'm ready!!!" But.  Then I go look at the effin' tools...and...uh, no!!! I'm for sure not ready to deal with this today!!! (Now...for those who believe in this kind of thing, I've already got, through an 'Akashic reading', that he doesn't care what I do with his tools. He basically doesn't even remember, anymore, what 'tools' are!     For those who care, this was a most interesting part of my 'reading'...the stuff that we do remember, and start to forget, and don't even remember at all, after we "disembody and disconnect from this plane/dimension/realm".) But my point is that I learned from this 'metaphysical reading' of mine that it's only me who is still stressing and distressing about these kinds of 'practical/mundane/earthly' things and matters. Not my dead loved one; just me.)

But and nevertheless. His tools and related crap...still sitting here exactly where he left it. I still care about it, whether or not he still does; so I will just need to be kind and patient and compassionate with myself, until I stop caring about it, too. (Or until I start caring more about the executor of my Will/estate, and get rid of it myself rather than leave it for the executor to have to deal with it.)

Loving hugs to you, Jemiga70.     Ronni

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

So the ash came back on the plane with me.

You will if/when you're ready.  And that's okay.  Take your time.

11 hours ago, ThirdG said:

I’ve been told by two others who’ve had similar losses that my mourning would last at least a year.

I am sorry for your loss.  We don't mourn them a year, we mourn them the rest of our lives, but it's evolutionary in that it evolves in time to something more manageable, something we can carry inside of us and perhaps that's what they mean.  

Welcome here, we're glad you found us, it helps to know there are others that get it and understand.  Coming here, reading/posting helps us process our grief.  A friend of mine (a retired grief counselor and website owner/adm.) says time alone does nothing, it's what we do with it...I think there's some truth to that.  Going to a grief counselor, grief support group, a website such as this, journaling, reading articles, watching videos and reading books on grief all help.  CS Lewis book is excellent, he went through it "A Grief Observed."

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[ThirdG]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

You will if/when you're ready.  And that's okay.  Take your time.

I am sorry for your loss.  We don't mourn them a year, we mourn them the rest of our lives, but it's evolutionary in that it evolves in time to something more manageable, something we can carry inside of us and perhaps that's what they mean. 

Thank you for your very kind words and attaching the piece about the Grief Process.

I realize after reading it that I’ve not been satisfied with my grief. Sometimes I feel it’s lasted too long, or it’s too excessive, or not enough. I realize now that this is a leftover from when I was raised by a mother who was a perfectionist and a father who never seemed to like anything I did and was physically dangerous to be around. Last year, a therapist diagnosed me with PTSD because of my experiences with him. Thank you do everybody else who replied to my post.

Buried in my memory are two other deaths that I still mourn every once in awhile; my grandfather who died in 1974, and my father-in-law who died in 1984. Yes, I’ve gotten to the point that I spend more time remembering their lives than their deaths. But once in a great while, I still shed a tear for them. They were both much kinder to me than my father, and that’s why I still miss them every once in awhile. I’m crying now.

I suppose that some day I will feel that way about Amanda’s death. I’m still working through all of the aspects of guilt. Because of my own illness (involving four months in hospitals and six months of separation) I couldn’t be her primary caregiver. I blamed myself in hundred of different ways for that. I know it’s irrational, but I guess that’s the way my brain works. I try to talk it out as much as I can. Like me, one of my friends had to deal with the sudden death of her spouse. One of the first things she told me was that my first day of grieving was entirely normal (I couldn’t stop crying and could keep nothing down). She’d gone through it too — and she’d gone through equally intense guilt about how her husband died. My younger sister who does early childhood intervention and some counseling pointed out to me that my scenarios about how I could have helped would never have occurred to me while she lived. That helped a great deal. I want to pass it on.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, ThirdG said:

my grandfather who died in 1974, and my father-in-law who died in 1984

Oh yes, I get it, although my FIL died 11 1/2 years ago, I loved him, even though his son and I divorced many years ago, Papa kept me and considered me his daughter.  

 

15 hours ago, ThirdG said:

I want to pass it on

Finding purpose in what we go through.  One of my favorite verses in the Bible is 2 Corinthians 1:4 He comforts us in all He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

[LMR]

On 11/16/2022 at 1:16 PM, KayC said:

I've aged since then (esp. this year), yet I know without a doubt he'd love me as I am, wrinkles, grey hair, and all.  It was ME he loved.  The rest was just icing.  I remind myself that had he lived, he would have aged too and I know without a doubt I'd have loved him just as much, even more.

Exactly. It didn't seem possible but I truly loved my husband a little more every day. My heart just went on expanding. 

[KayC]

I used to love how this tiny lock of hair curled down over his forehead from his mostly balding top.  I loved his sweet face, aging as it was, there was so much depth in it, he'd been through so much.  We never felt more at ease than when we were at home with each other, laying  in each other's arms, going to sleep.  That was the best place in all the world to be.  And I haven't felt that feeling since...

[AJ4]

A lot of nights I ask for dreams with my husband in them.  I don't usually get them anymore.  Sometimes I do.  But last night I asked for a dream about him and instead I had a dream that there was a storm outside and I was inside but still using my body to shelter our daughter against the storm that was trying to break into the house.  

[KayC]

Even in your dreams he's trying to take care of you both.

[roilynnkitty]

My husband wanted to be cremated. We lost our daughter 5 years ago and she was cremated and  my great grandma was a foster child growing and growing up back then foster child was not a good thing to be so she grew up with the realization that love was very important and to make sure you tell and show and tell them that everyday,  She use it end her cards and phone calls with Ocean of love she was a very wonderful woman, when my daughter passed we use to go camping in fort Bragg California was her favorite spot to horse back ride,  chase and feed the squirrels and bury her siblings in the sand she loved that place so much so we spread her ashes on her birthday one year after she passed, my husband wanted the same thing so next year my daughter birthday is in August and hubby's in October,  will go spread his ashes sometime in September in between date so they can be together body already already in spirit those two was like a pea in a pod

[KayC]

That sounds like a good plan!  And a beautiful time of year for it.

My sister passed 3/28 and I wasn't able to get the rest of the family to come and spread her ashes, I have my BIL's and my brother picked up her ashes...my little sister would have to drive my other sister here and has been unwilling as it messes with her travel plans and social life, she says "maybe in April" for Peggy's bdy, that's when I'm snowed in.  Sigh.  I wanted it done the first couple of months, now it's been so long, it feels like it isn't making it priority, no reason for it other than her social life.  Missing her so much.  I guess I wouldn't feel so bad if I had her ashes, my brother wasn't close to her, I was, I was her caregiver, she my best friend.