New and not excited to be here

[AHolly]

My husband of ten year and three kids passed from a massive heart attack on Wednesday day.  I’m finding it difficult to be alone and with others for different reasons. When I am alone I feel as though my life is spinning out of control. I would love advice o. How to get through this time.  Bless you allp

[Robert D.]

AHolly

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I know that you are in deep sorrow. I prayed for you just now to the Lord. The people in here understand intimately how you are feeling and will be of much help and compassion. There is some information on grief and how to deal with it that I see posted in here often. I believe you will probably see it posted sometime...

Again....I am very sorry for what has happened...and am very glad you found this place. 

God bless!!

Robert

[KayC]

6 hours ago, AHolly said:

My husband of ten year and three kids passed from a massive heart attack on Wednesday day.

I am so sorry for your loss!  It's the hardest thing in the world to get through, mine was 51 when he died of a heart attack, diabetic complications, totally a shock.  That was 17 1/2 years ago, I have no idea how I've survived all the knocks since, but mostly by taking one day at a time.  Then I get up and do it all over again.  I feel like I'm in survival mode as I've grown old alone (70 now), surviving harsh winters and fire and smoke.  

Welcome to this site, I do hope you'll continue to come here to read and post as it helps to know you're not alone in this, and to know the things you experience with grief are "normal" for grievers.  Are your children still at home?

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

18 hours ago, AHolly said:

My husband of ten year and three kids passed from a massive heart attack on Wednesday day.  I’m finding it difficult to be alone and with others for different reasons. When I am alone I feel as though my life is spinning out of control. I would love advice o. How to get through this time.  Bless you allp

Dear AHolly, my heart goes out to you and your three children.

There isn't any "advice" as such, that can really help us through these very early, still-raw days. If anything from my personal experience, I would offer to just, as best you can, be -- or, try to be -- okay with whatever thoughts and feelings arise. The rest of it can all be and feel all too overwhelming right now. For me, while I was able to physically function and take care of the things that needed taking care of, at the same time I was the same as 'emotionally comatose/paralyzed' for at least the first year...and, coming up on 2 years in a couple of weeks, sometimes still feel exactly like that. It's okay if nothing makes any reasonable or rational or logical 'sense' anymore; it can feel like that. It's okay if you feel helpless and useless and as if you've lost all control over anything important, valuable and significant. And, it's equally okay if you don't feel like or experience any of that. Whatever you do feel is okay.

If you can access a grief counselor or join a professionally-led grief/bereavement group, this can be very helpful because there is an 'arms-length distance', so you won't feel like you're burdening your friends and loved ones with your feelings of sadness, loss, 'aloneness', disorientation, 'out-of-controlness', confusion, grief, doubt, anger and all of the rest of like those. At least, and again, this was my own experience.

I wish you didn't have to be here; I wish none of us had to be here. But...given that it's a given...this is a terrifically supportive and understanding community, as Robert D. said.

Sending you all of God's Comfort, Strength and Healing.     Ronni