Dad passed away

[Ksa88]

Hey, 

I'm hoping I can find someone to talk to. My Dad passed away in January this year. He had lung cancer but was actually too poorly for diagnostics and treatment. We were actually unaware of the full extent of his illness. Dad begged to brought home on the 6th Jan but struggled and had to go back to hospital the very same evening. I didn't get to say goodbye before he passed and ended up collecting a bag of his belongings from the hospital the next morning. 

I am notorious in my family for not showing emotion. I'm obviously devastated but feel I can't let down my mum and sister by being upset. It's almost a year since I last saw my Dad and I'm overwhelmed with sadness and regret. Did he know how much I cared? Does everyone think badly of me for not being in floods of tears all the time? 

Apologies for the long message.