In another world

[DWS]

A friend of mine dropped by this afternoon while he was out on a bike ride. David is mid-70s, healthy, and seemingly always on the go. We hadn't chatted since early summer so we talked for a while standing on my front porch. In our conversation today, he mentioned that he had a mild case of Covid three or four weeks ago and wasn't sure how he caught it. He told me that before it happened, he and a group of seven others had all gone out to the movies and then they all went to a restaurant and wondered if that's where he caught it. Then he mentioned that he and another friend had gone to an art exhibit around that time...wondered if he caught it there...or maybe the gym. And now he's hoping he won't have much of a problem getting the next covid booster shot before he heads down south for the winter in a couple of months.

But while he was telling me all of this (he talks a lot and I can hardly get a word in edgewise), my mind just seemed to gloss right over everything. I guess I was just stunned that his life has gone on like always. Names of his friends popped up in the conversation...singles and couples that I vaguely know but have heard him mention before....and by the sounds of it, they're all still alive and well. All of them doing things and going places...just the same as always. And I feel like I'm in a whole other world.

When I got back in the house, I had to collect my thoughts and do some processing again. I went through the same ordeal a couple of months ago when I heard that my older brother, his wife and a dozen of their friends and family all flew off to Europe on a big vacation...and one of my sisters, her husband and another couple flew to Vegas for a quick trip not too long ago. Their enjoyment of life just goes on seemingly carefree while mine was shattered. Eight months later, I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces but I'm still coping with the bewilderment of why this loss had to happen and whether I will ever experience a feeling of being lighthearted again.  

 

 

 

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, DWS. It is like that.     I just noticed that you're in Ontario -- if in or around the GTA, perhaps we'll decide to arrange get together for a Christmas coffee (or, if you prefer, a rum-and-eggnog...or six of them...mega-sized 😀)?   In any case, feel free to 'private message' me.  Love and more hugs, Ronni

[KayC]

@DWS  I would say your feelings are more the norm for grief, it beyond shattered me when it happened, and I was still young and never saw it coming, it just blew me out of the ballpark!  My sister was shocked when her husband died, two weeks from his diagnosis (during Covid...he had stomach cancer), he must have suffered quite a while but didn't talk about it.  She never knew what he meant to her or how much he did for her or how much she took for granted...until he was gone.  I'd tried to point things out to her but it fell on deaf ears.  AFTERWARDS she had such a deep appreciation and love for him...in retrospect.  She only had to suffer through this 1 1/2 years and then got to go be with him...I've had 17 1/2 years of this and wonder why am I the "lucky one."  (sarcasm)  I know life is a gift (with my head) yet it doesn't feel like it much with Covid, wars, fire/smoke, snow, aloneness.  It feels like the only good thing is my little Kodie.  I wonder how many people think of taking their own life?  I know, a weird thought, but heading into all the gaiety and Christmas decorations, it seems a lot of people in our boat must be really hit with depression.  My heart goes out to them all and I pray that they give this a chance to turn the corner for them and see some light at the end of the tunnel, time line is different for all of us, nothing quick/easy like your friend, but more like what we experience here.  Praying they can hang in there and find some bit of good in their lives before they too go.

[DWS]

On 11/10/2022 at 7:13 AM, KayC said:

but heading into all the gaiety and Christmas decorations, it seems a lot of people in our boat must be really hit with depression.  My heart goes out to them all and I pray that they give this a chance to turn the corner for them and see some light at the end of the tunnel...

Ugh....the approaching Christmas season is just something I imagine many of us here just want to try to bypass. That was something that my friend who stopped by mentioned...getting his Christmas cards produced. I'm in printing and graphics so I have designed and printed his cards for many, many years. He sends them out to current and past clients as well as family and friends. When he mentioned them, I kinda glazed over and thought "your what?"...and then remembered that Christmas is happening despite my world that collapsed. 

And that's where things are starting to break down for me...this un-wanting of going back to the life I knew. Printing David's Christmas cards like I always did...going to a concert or play or out for coffee or to a restaurant or to a flea market....there's no desire for any of it! I'm not sure where I go from here but for sure, I'm in another world. 

[DWS]

On 11/10/2022 at 3:32 AM, Ronni_W said:

Hugs, DWS. It is like that.     I just noticed that you're in Ontario -- if in or around the GTA, perhaps we'll decide to arrange get together for a Christmas coffee (or, if you prefer, a rum-and-eggnog...or six of them...mega-sized 😀)?   In any case, feel free to 'private message' me.  Love and more hugs, Ronni

Thanks for the warm invite! I'm in London (the other London) so two hours west of you. I know that I'm needing to find companions in grief and actually have thoughts of organizing a local support group for grievers...something outside the usual realm of meeting in church basements or event spaces. Coffee get-togethers and potluck dinners seem more attractive and fitting. 

But on the subject of rum and eggnogs, Tom and I loved them at Christmas time. We discovered coconut rum made them even yummier. Tom would have the biggest smile as we prepared them. He was just like a big kid...we both were.  This was just one of the many pleasures that he never really allowed himself to enjoy before he met me. He was always the mindful, responsible dad and grandpa. I guess I released some of the devil in him!

[KayC]

53 minutes ago, DWS said:

Printing David's Christmas cards like I always did...going to a concert or play or out for coffee or to a restaurant or to a flea market....there's no desire for any of it!

I totally get that!  I also feel bah humbug when people write "Let it snow" or talk about putting up their Christmas decorations (right after Halloween no less!  And it's 17 years for me!

[PLin]

56 minutes ago, DWS said:

Thanks for the warm invite! I'm in London (the other London) so two hours west of you. I know that I'm needing to find companions in grief and actually have thoughts of organizing a local support group for grievers...something outside the usual realm of meeting in church basements or event spaces. Coffee get-togethers and potluck dinners seem more attractive and fitting. 

But on the subject of rum and eggnogs, Tom and I loved them at Christmas time. We discovered coconut rum made them even yummier. Tom would have the biggest smile as we prepared them. He was just like a big kid...we both were.  This was just one of the many pleasures that he never really allowed himself to enjoy before he met me. He was always the mindful, responsible dad and grandpa. I guess I released some of the devil in him!

Ah, rum and eggnog. Ted's favourite as well. 

I am just north of Peterborough but in Florida for the winter.

I had brunch with three other women yesterday who began including me following Ted's death here last January. They are perfectly lovely women but I come away from our meetings somehow feeling flat and as if a piece is missing somewhere. 

 

[DWS]

1 hour ago, PLin said:

I had brunch with three other women yesterday who began including me following Ted's death here last January. They are perfectly lovely women but I come away from our meetings somehow feeling flat and as if a piece is missing somewhere. 

I can understand that. Making and cultivating new friendships later in life is challenging and frustrating work particularly when you didn't choose to be in these lost circumstances. You're trying your best to make some headway here and there but if you're like me, you're dragging your feet to do any of it. I feel there's this huge void now that is pointless to try to fill so I somehow need to awkwardly carry it and honour its importance.

[KayC]

@PLin  Did you experience any of Hurricane Nicole?  Haven't been watching t.v. so haven't heard much, hoping it's not as Ian was.

[Ronni_W]

On 11/11/2022 at 8:46 AM, DWS said:

[...] I guess I released some of the devil in him!

You know that old saying/cliche/platitude, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? -- I think: "The way to a man's heart is to help him release some of 'the devil' in him"!!!

DWS, I think that I did help Ray to do the same, and I do think that he did really appreciate it and love me for it.

Weird about the rum and eggnog thing, ain't it? 'Twas the same for us...and something that I introduced to Ray (including grating fresh nutmeg over it). At Christmas-time he'd be all, "Do we have whole nutmeg? Don't forget to pick-up the whole nutmeg! Where's the grater for the whole nutmeg?"

As the song sings, "Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end". <smile and cry and sigh and cry and smile>.

[PLin]

On 11/12/2022 at 7:14 AM, KayC said:

Did you experience any of Hurricane Nicole?  Haven't been watching t.v. so haven't heard much, hoping it's not as Ian was.

I am on the Gulf Coast, near Fort Myers so just wind and rain. Fortunately, no major damage from ian either. Thanks for asking Kay. ❤️

[KayC]

Oh good!  Good to know!

[Gail 8588]

Florida had a lot of damage on the NE coast from Nicole.  My old neighborhood near St Augustine got slammed. Flooding, erosion, a lot of destruction.  The St Johns river is still in flood stage. A lot of homes are still flooded. 

Gail

[KayC]

I'm sorry to hear that.  I did see some on the news, they usually capture the worst of it, but unfamiliar with that are, I wasn't sure where.  My dear friend who owns and administrates my other grief site (is a retired grief counselor) lives in Sarasota, I understand it was more minimal there than when Ian hit.

[Carol34]

DWS, I feel the same way.  My daughter, who lives in Washington State, just went to LA to visit a friend last week.  She tells me about the places she and her husband go...hiking, concerts, etc.  My sisters both go places and do things with friends, and then tell me about it.  I can't imagine ever wanting to go on another trip, or do any of the things people who are dating do.  We used to love going to estate sales on the weekends.  We'd drive hours just to go to them.  I can't bring myself to go now.  Other than estate sales and family gatherings (which were usually at our house), we didn't really do a lot.  We rarely went on trips, didn't go to concerts or movies.  But we were always together. 

There is a line in the Netflix show, "Afterlife" that I really identified with the first time I heard it.  I was a puddle of tears, and I still cry every time I watch it.  Here's the quote:

"People think all those things I miss doing with Lisa, I could just do them anyway. They're missing the point. I miss doing nothing with Lisa"

And that's how I feel.  I miss just sitting on the patio, listening to the birds.  Or watching TV together.  Or even the silence in the car when neither of us could think of anything to say.  I just miss him!

 

[Gail 8588]

I agree completely. 

"We" were going to do many things in retirement. I have no interest in doing them without him. It wasn't seeing these sights that I was looking forward to, it was seeing them "with him".

I need to focus on things "I" can do alone or with other friends or family.  I very much miss just being with him doing nothing special.

Gail

[DWS]

20 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

And that's how I feel.  I miss just sitting on the patio, listening to the birds.  Or watching TV together.  Or even the silence in the car when neither of us could think of anything to say.  I just miss him!

 

4 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

"We" were going to do many things in retirement. I have no interest in doing them without him. It wasn't seeing these sights that I was looking forward to, it was seeing them "with him".

This was where my mind was at walking out of the grocery store this afternoon....missing just him and wondering how the hell you even try to move forward when the one unique person your heart is centred on has been taken from this earth. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I can't bring myself to go now. 

I understand, I haven't camped since George died.  I don't really go anywhere.  It's just not the same without him.  I admire those like autocharge that continue on, but...

14 hours ago, cmp34 said:

And that's how I feel.  I miss just sitting on the patio, listening to the birds.  Or watching TV together.  Or even the silence in the car when neither of us could think of anything to say.  I just miss him!

Exactly!  That's how I feel.

 

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I need to focus on things "I" can do alone or with other friends or family.

I know.  Of course we're heading into winter so will be in hibernation...

13 hours ago, DWS said:

how the hell you even try to move forward when the one unique person your heart is centred on has been taken from this earth.