Wishes

[AdrianaVillacis]

This past week I felt overwhelmed, it feels so weird to come home and be alone. Yesterday I cried until I couldn't open my eyes. I cried to the point that my throat was parched.That lump in my throat is still there, that empty feeling is still there. My partner is no longer here with me. It's so funny how we get used to a routine, to visualize a future with your partner. Sometimes, I think my partner is with me and I plan things to do and then I realize it's no longer possible. Now there is only me. I try to create new habits, maybe get to know myself again. I want to go out with friends but it doesn't feel right. Nothing is the same anymore.

 

[KayC]

I remember going through the thinking he'd be home and then it hit you afresh, he's not coming back.  I was glad when it sunk in enough I didn't get hit afresh again and again, yet then the grief was ever with me.   

 

[foreverhis]

On 11/8/2022 at 7:16 PM, AdrianaVillacis said:

Sometimes, I think my partner is with me and I plan things to do and then I realize it's no longer possible. Now there is only me. I try to create new habits, maybe get to know myself again. I want to go out with friends but it doesn't feel right. Nothing is the same anymore.

It may not really help to know this now, but this is so common as to be expected, at least by the members here and my one friend who recently lost her husband.

It took me a long time to create new routines.  Some right away, such as how I made the morning coffee because the way "before" hurt too much.  Some over time, such as grocery shopping and the farmers markets.  Others are an ongoing process even now 4 years later.  I still often say, "I'm home" and when I look out toward the distant ocean, I say, "Isn't it beautiful today?"  Silly?  Maybe, but I don't care because it gives me comfort.

For at least a year, I had a small moment every morning in that brief time between sleep and being awake, when I'd reach over and then remember, "He's not there."  It's a process and not an easy one.

It doesn't feel right because it isn't.  And nothing will be the same as it was, no matter how much we wish or how much others try to "shove" us toward "normal."

Please give yourself as much time as you need to find your way slowly forward.  There's no time table and no one has the right to tell you how to grieve.  Your journey is yours alone.  But when you are here, you are not alone.  We walk our own paths, but the same road together.

[AJ4]

I know the feeling.  Hugs for you.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There's no time table and no one has the right to tell you how to grieve.  Your journey is yours alone.  But when you are here, you are not alone. 

Yes.