My life is changing

[AdrianaVillacis]

I'm not someone who likes to share her feelings. My life has been like a rollercoaster, I feel I'm dying inside. I always tried my best, but my TAHD makes my life imposible. I wish, I could have been someone better, I wish I could have payed more attention for what my partner needed at the time. Everything is gray, nights are long. I have been crying all nights crying and I just feel guilty. Blame is the only word, I know. Work is not easy, I do not know what should I do to feel better. I do not have friends to share how I am feeling, it's just me and my loneliness 

[Robert D.]

AdrianaVillacis

I am very sorry for what you are going through. We all in here have feelings like yours, to some degree or another at times. We understand exactly how you feel in here.....all of us....as we are going through this too. We learn in here that none of us are perfect, and all of us going through this nightmare of losing someone we desperately love, if we could, would change any number of things. Sometimes, a lot of the time, we eventually find out that ultimately God, for His reasons, allows some very hard things to happen....[......t.......]

..that are painful, but...in the end, yield some things for all of us to learn about life. You and I are learning about the hardest thing in life....the loss of someone we desperately love. It is a very, very, hard road we are all on in here....but...the good news....we are all in it here together. You are not alone! All of us in here are here to listen and share with you...wanting to hear from you as you are able....and care about how you are doing. I have prayed for you to the Lord....and I hope that you know that the people in here understand and want you to do well.  God bless!!

Robert

[KayC]

10 hours ago, AdrianaVillacis said:

my TAHD makes my life imposible

???  I tried looking it up, got a hoof disease and hospital, Covid info, that's it.  I know it's something else but not familiar with that acronym.

10 hours ago, AdrianaVillacis said:

I wish I could have payed more attention for what my partner needed at the time.

Did your partner die?

10 hours ago, AdrianaVillacis said:

I have been crying all nights crying and I just feel guilty. Blame is the only word, I know.

I am sorry, there is no guilt, no blame, these feelings are so common/normal in early grief.  It's learning to live with, forgive yourself you imagined wrongs, be kind, understanding, and forgiving of yourself.  It's a process and it takes time but I hope you'll make the attempt as we are worth it.  And right now there is the task at hand of learning to live with the changes all this means for our lives, and that is a tall order.  (((hugs)))

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[AdrianaVillacis]

They you for all your messages. I just do not want to feel alone, and reading all of these make feel I'm not alone. TADH acronym in English is ADHD 

[KayC]

Oh, thank you!  I'm familiar with that.  Are you from Brazil?