My sweet daughter Paige 17 yrs old

[realitycheck1976]

I lost my beautful daughter Paige on Nov 1st this year she was my first born child and I felt we were very close. My life was shattered when I got a call from her younger sister that she had taken her own life. I screamed call 911 and drove as fast as i could home with my husband. we arrived at the same time as the emt and they wouldnt let me in the house. I knew she was gone from the looks the officer gave me. My two other children my 15 year old daughter and my 12 year old son had found her and tried to save her. I fell apart my children went to stay with family for a few days and it was just my husband and I left at the house in shock not knowing what to do. we held each other up emotionaly for day before the service. but here I am weeks later wondering if I am scared to live with out her. I cant eat without being sick I cant sleep without pills. how do I pull myself together for my other kids?

[shellyku]

Dear Holly - I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your Paige. How devastating to get a call like that.

It is so unnatural to lose a child...we are supposed to watch our children grow and thrive, and then

leave them to carry on. I lost my first-born daughter, Sarah, age 29, to leukemia 1 year and 3 months

ago, and I can tell you that you do go on, frankly without wanting to sometimes. Our younger daughter,

Jill, who is 28, is expecting her first child. She found out she was pregnant the day before Sarah's

birthday this year. Life has a way of going on, somehow.

Your children are younger, but I believe old enough to understand that you will (you all will) be going

through hard times right now. I think I would do my best to explain to them that we must all be honest

about our feelings and moods and that this does change the family dynamic, but we can go through

this together. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I know in our case (with more adult children)

this was and is our policy.

My prayers are with you and yours Holly. Shelly

[hotrod]

Dear Holly

I am so very sorry for your dreadful loss and sadness. The loss of a child is devastating and the best we can do is to try very slowly to be gentle with ourselves. TRY to rest, drink protein shakes, connect with others who have walked this path and to know that the pain is so great because we loved oh so much. I lost my only child, Stephen over 4 years ago from an alcohol overdose. I too was involved with EMTs etc and I know how hard this is.

Please try to keep coming back here, read post and just be It is a place where many understand this pain and are so very supportive. We usually all post on the Adult Child section .If you would like more responses please go there, click on "Reply" and post

Many will welcome you

[Susie_q512]

I am heartbroken for you. This is a journey that none of us would wish on any other human being. We wonder how our shattered hearts continue to beat. We wonder how our lungs can draw another painful breath, but somehow the body keeps living, even when our hearts are completely torn to pieces. In truth, this new life is a nightmare. The pain, sorrow, disbelief and denial are now a constant part of our daily existence. We are forever and irrevocably changed. The emotions and thoughts experienced are like an uncontrollable roller coaster ride. We want off, but it just takes us and does what it wants with us. I buried my 16 year old daughter, Shannon, 9 weeks ago yesterday. I am still very new on this journey, but have learned that grief is a very personal and individual process. I have been in shock since the accident that claimed my beautiful daughter's life. Dee, another mom who lost her daughter almost 9 years ago, told me that the layers of grief peel away like the layers of an onion until it reaches the core. This seems to be very true for my grief process. The peeling away of these layers is a very painful process, but one that cannot be avoided regardless of how much we try to postpone it. A lady came to my daughter's viewing and spoke words of truth to me. She lost her teenage son earlier this year in a car accident also. She told me that I would want to die, but that I had to be strong and remember that I still had another daughter who needed me. She was right; I do want to die, but I recall her words daily and think of my other daughter. I cannot leave her alone in this world. So I get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. That's all I know to do. Somehow, we manage to get through each day. The sun rises the next, and again we battle every moment of that new day. It's an endless process. Eating and sleeping are very difficult for us. As others will tell you, be kind to yourself. Try to eat small meals. Protein drinks, bananas, cereal. Sleep when you can. Respect the individual grief process of other members of your family. Be open and honest with each other about this tragedy. Counselling at some point may be helpful, especially for your children who found her and tried to render help. No doubt that they are struggling with not only the loss of Paige, but with the images that are burned into their memory now. Most post in the Loss of Adult Child Forum. You will be welcomed and received there regardless of the age of your daughter. There are many parents there who have been on this journey far longer than the two of us. They can give insight into this new life. They offer comfort and encouragement and unconditional acceptance.....they "get" it. They have each been exactly where we are standing today. They are a wonderful group of individuals. I have not been thankful for hardly anything since I lost Shannon, but I am thankful that I found my way here to these wonderful and wise people.

[Sam'smom]

Oh my heart breaks for you. I lost my son Sam on October 2nd of last year. He fell at school playing tackle football on an asphalt surface. Every morning when I dropped him off I told him not to play football unless he was on grass. He fractured his skull and died 3 days later. I got a call at work and met the ambulance at the hospital. He was screaming for me in the back of the ambulance and when they took him out I just pushed past the EMT's and held him as best I could telling him he would be ok. He screamed for me to help him until they sedated him and I never heard his voice again.Since then I have looked every where for practical advice on how to just function. Other mom's who lost children found me and reached out. I wish I could say it gets easier but really all I have found is that there will be places in your daily routine where you will be more comfortable. I imagine these times as islands of serenity. The most practical advice I got from anyone was to cry in the car. I can hardly believe I was able to to drive at all while I cried and screamed at god the whole way home from work. But it was good advice because when I pulled into the garage I was exhausted and done. It was importent for me to have a place to cry where no one in my family could hear me or see me and where I knew I could let loose because when I arrived to where I was going I would stop. People cooked for us and we threw away a lot of food but what helped me was that only one person delivered the food. She would call to say when she would arrive and that helped me to pull it together for something. Sometimes I only opened the door but after about a month I was able to put a pot of tea on and be somewhat aware of how I was dressed. I was and still am very lonely as my son Sam and I were very close. My younger son Patrick was closer to my husband. He is a very easy going kid and as Sam moved into his turbulent teens my husband drew closer to Patrick. I was so determined to keep a close relationship with Sam that I was willing to go to the matt every time he needed. What looked to the outside as fights were really I see now just a trust between us that we loved each other enough to fight and know we still loved each other. Initially right after Sam died I was unable to be close to my son Patrick. My feelings were so over whelming and this deep grief trumped every other feeling. I think I was also scared to love so much. Now though we have grown closer. It is a different closeness as it should be because he is a different person and I still so long for Sam, but it is in itself something that makes me glad that I have stuck around and put Patrick's well being center stage and even more important then this tidal wave of grief. Everything you do now will be so hard. I still cannot go into the grocery store of our old neighborhood. I realized early on that I needed places to anonymus. I needed to not see people who knew. So I went to a different grocery store so all I had to do was just mange to shop for food. Not try to shop for food and run into neighbors, and process their grief with them in the cereal asile. I also found that often I needed to keep people at arm's length emotionally. People would see me, usually somewhere very public, come running over to cry all over me. I felt I needed a bib on my shoulder when I went out. What I soon realized was that they were in the shallow end of the pool emotionally and needed me to absolve them for the lack of being able to deal with it all. We are living a parent's worst nightmare and people can't help but be glad it is not them. So when they see us there is a lot of guilt in there. Often I would say something superficial like" Thank you so much, you look good in that color" or " You smell good (since I was often crushed in a slobbery hug I often did smell them and often they did in fact smell good ....sometimes not though) whatever I said to get them out of having to say the RIGHT thing to me was welcome to them and to me to let me go on with whatever it was I was trying so hard to navigate again in my life. Like buy food. Or even just walk down the street. I wanted a T-shirt that said Visual Acknowledgement is all that is required today. I wanted to wear black with some symbol that let everyone know I was in morning the death of my child and I was a fragile member of the community. I also wanted this so I could find everyone else going through the same thing.

I wish I could say it gets easier. I can say it changes and you are not so raw all the time. There must be an emotional muscle being developed. I do know that you can still be a good mom and you are allowed to smile when it happens. I try now to find things that make me smile just to find some balance. I put up bird feeders in the trees I can see from my son Sam's room. So now when I go in there I can see something that isn't so sorrowful to me. Small things like that are bringing me back to life. Often I don't anything that brings me into the life I will have without Sam. Other times I know I have to lead the way and be the example for my family. All the time I know I am in my deepest heart making a deal, that if I do this right maybe I will wake up and it will be the day before he died and I can just keep him home from school. Maybe ... but I know that will not happen and yet here is where the invisible healing I cannot measure comes in in spite of knowing that I will never get what I truly want I still go on as if what I do and how I do it matters. Because it does, if for no one else it does for my younger son and it does, even in this small measure of writing to tell you that you will survive and to cry in your car. I will write more.

I lost my beautful daughter Paige on Nov 1st this year she was my first born child and I felt we were very close. My life was shattered when I got a call from her younger sister that she had taken her own life. I screamed call 911 and drove as fast as i could home with my husband. we arrived at the same time as the emt and they wouldnt let me in the house. I knew she was gone from the looks the officer gave me. My two other children my 15 year old daughter and my 12 year old son had found her and tried to save her. I fell apart my children went to stay with family for a few days and it was just my husband and I left at the house in shock not knowing what to do. we held each other up emotionaly for day before the service. but here I am weeks later wondering if I am scared to live with out her. I cant eat without being sick I cant sleep without pills. how do I pull myself together for my other kids?

[RonnieAlt]

My heart breaks for you and your loss of precious Paige. The pain is unbearable at times, it feels as though we can't go on, but we have to for our other children. My daughter Cherry passed away on 10/14/2011, so I am new to this forum too, and new to dealing with the loss of a child. Until I found this forum, I felt like nobody really understood how I felt. Stay connected to those of us that know what you are going through, I don't know anything more than you do about this type of thing, but I can cry with you and listen to anything you need to talk about anytime. I can't sleep anymore so am up at weird hours. I will pray for you and your family to have strength to carry on one step at a time.

[Susie_q512]

Eileen - I also cry and scream and rage at God while in the car. Often,it is the only place that I find myself alone and in privacy. Thank you for sharing the loss of your Sam with us. I am sorry that you are on this journey, but glad that you found your way here. Most post in the main Loss of Adult Child Forum. It is a more active thread. You will be welcomed and received there. Please continue to post and tell us about Sam, yourself, your family. Praying for you and holding you close to my heart.

[rose20]

I lost my beautful daughter Paige on Nov 1st this year she was my first born child and I felt we were very close. My life was shattered when I got a call from her younger sister that she had taken her own life. I screamed call 911 and drove as fast as i could home with my husband. we arrived at the same time as the emt and they wouldnt let me in the house. I knew she was gone from the looks the officer gave me. My two other children my 15 year old daughter and my 12 year old son had found her and tried to save her. I fell apart my children went to stay with family for a few days and it was just my husband and I left at the house in shock not knowing what to do. we held each other up emotionaly for day before the service. but here I am weeks later wondering if I am scared to live with out her. I cant eat without being sick I cant sleep without pills. how do I pull myself together for my other kids?

I am so very sorry for the loss of your child.

Sudden death is so hard to grasp, it takes a long time, the shock just seems to stay. How awful for your children to have to find their sister like that. I know many can say what has helped them but as for me it is God. If it were not for the Lord I know I would not be here today, and also I had two young children that needed me. It may seem impossible but you will be able to do this if you take it one day at a time. Don't try to think beyond that. . It helps to come to grief support sites and just read other's posts. It helps to know that you are no alone. It also helps to keep a journal. In a journal you can write just what you are feeling.

I will be praying for you and your children and husband.

[TonyRoberts]

I lost my only child on February 3, 2011,

I was at work when I received a text from his cell phone. His fiance sent me a text and said she could not get him to wake up. I called his mother and asked her to go check on him, then I called my wife and asked her to go check also. I received a call back in a few minutes that I needed to get there in a hurry, there was an ambulance there and they were working on him. When I got there, about 5 minutes elapsed, they were working hard on reviving him, and I looked at his mother and asked her if he was gone, and she said yes. We rushed to the hospital, beating the ambulance. They took him to the emergency room, and came out shortly and told us there was nothing they could do. He was 19, had a 9 month daughter and he and his fiance found out just 2 days earlier that he was going to be a father again.

Tony

I am so very sorry for the loss of your child.

Sudden death is so hard to grasp, it takes a long time, the shock just seems to stay. How awful for your children to have to find their sister like that. I know many can say what has helped them but as for me it is God. If it were not for the Lord I know I would not be here today, and also I had two young children that needed me. It may seem impossible but you will be able to do this if you take it one day at a time. Don't try to think beyond that. . It helps to come to grief support sites and just read other's posts. It helps to know that you are no alone. It also helps to keep a journal. In a journal you can write just what you are feeling.

I will be praying for you and your children and husband.

[westleysmom]

Tony-I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son Westley on January 13, 2010 the same way. He was at a friend's house and when she tried to wake him. called me on my cell. We went to the hospital and they came and got me to sign some papers. But once I signed them, they came in and shut the door and I knew then. I can still remember taking my husband's hands because I didn't think I was going to be able to breathe when they said those words, that my beautiful blue eyed wonder only son was gone and I would never hear his voice or see those eyes again in this life. He wasn't married and had no children. I have another daughter and she has two children, but we will never have grandchildren with our name. Has the new baby come yet? I hope that you are able to be in their lives so you can tell them about your son, their daddy. Losing a child is the hardest thing I've ever done, and we're never done losing them. We lose them every day. It still doesn't seem real and its been nearly two years. I post on Loss of Adult Child thread most of the time, there are a lot of people on there who understand your pain. They have helped me a lot. The first holidays were really hard for me. I hope that you will find some peace today and feel your son's presence in some way. Hugs to you friend.