This is not ok….

[AidaX]

This is the only place where I could possibly share this…. And it’s not that I don’t have great supporting friends but it’s not something anyone could relate to….it’s has been 14 months since Mike passed and trying to stay afloat and be support for for our 11 year old son has been a process…. But recently I am so mad and aggravated. I know this will sound bad and wrong…. But he moved on and doesn’t feel any pain and is at peace…. But I am fucking not… I am left picking up the pieces and making sure our son is ok, which of course he is not…. It’s ridiculous and beyond infuriating and I can’t hardly pretend anymore everything is ok…. And yes, I tell everyone I am ok…. Ugh…. So much anger and I am sick of tired people telling me how strong I am… ugh ugh ugh like I have a choice! F$$$$$&&&&&!!!!!!!!!

[Robert D.]

Aida x

I am sorry about your loss. I also know and understand about your frustration and anger at what has happened in your life because of losing your loved one. I have found this out in recent months that, you know, a lot of people talk about our loss to us.. , but all the consequences of the loss kind of get glossed over by many. There are many severe and difficult and some insurmountable, it seems, things that happen because of losing someone that you love. And without a doubt it can be overwhelming and unbearable.

I just want to say to you that I understand how you feel and the people in here also know and understand intimately this anger and frustration at what life brings when we lose someone that we love....and the heavy burdens and struggles that come with it. We are here with you and want you to know that!!

Robert 

 

[KayC]

Yes, we can feel anger in our grief, and it doesn't matter that it doesn't make rational sense, it just is.  It's definitely a response we can feel, whether at the person that left or just at circumstances that took place.  I'm sorry you feel so alone in raising your son alone.

Do you have any family you can vent to, even if they don't get it totally, just to have one person that will listen and care helps a lot.

Maybe try telling people you are NOT okay!  I don't recall glossing over things when I went through it, whether they got it or not.  Sure I didn't tell acquaintances but I'm sure I did family, as for "friends" they all disappeared overnight!  But I made a new friend, we were very close for ten years, both of us lost our husbands, first me, then her, then she moved to another state, but she was the world to me when she was here.  I have not found a friend like her in the seven years since.

[LoveNeverDies]

It’s ok to be mad and aggravated! My daughter’s father died when she was 8 months old . I went through a range of emotions over the years( my daughter is now 17) and anger was one of them . Sometimes it’s hard to vent to family and friends, especially when they think you’re ok. Feel free to vent here , we’re here to listen and support each other. 

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, AidaX said:

It’s ridiculous and beyond infuriating and I can’t hardly pretend anymore everything is ok…. And yes, I tell everyone I am ok…. Ugh…. So much anger and I am sick of tired people telling me how strong I am… ugh ugh ugh like I have a choice!

This right here is something I struggled with and sometimes still do.  I got so sick of the "brave face" society expects.  I got tired of being told I was strong (as if) and that I'd been such a wonderful wife and partner to my husband (I'd think, "Oh really?  Then why isn't he here now?" as if I had some control over it).

It came to a "boiling point" for me two times.  The first was with our brother- and sister-by-choice, our best friends of more than 30 years now.  I do not cry easily in front of others.  I just don't.  I suspect it's having parents of the "I'll give you something to cry about" generation.  In any case, I hadn't been crying in front of them, but I was exhausted emotionally and just couldn't take it.  So I said, "Sweeties, I have to warn you that I might just fall apart in front of you from time to time."  The next day, our brother-by-choice sent this picture.  It had the effect he intended.  It made me chuckle (he and my John were a punny, funny, wonderful force together; closer to each other than they were to their bio brothers) and it reminded me that I never did have to pretend with them.

The second time was with my sister-in-law (John's sister with whom we were and I am still close).  I was bemoaning everyone telling me how strong I had been when he was ill and how strong I was being then.  She said something like, "I'm sure it's meant as a compliment.  It's one of the things my brother always loved about you."  Well...I didn't yell or anything, but I said that I understood that, but was sick of feeling as if that's how I had to be.  I told her, "Anyone who knows John and me should know that only one thing could break me, and it's what happened, it's losing him. That's why I'm angry."  She was quiet a minute, thinking, and then said she hadn't looked at it quite that way, but that of course, I was right.  Then she said, as she had other times in the past, how she was amazed at the quiet, constant bond he and I had.  She used to say that she could see it even when we were just sitting next to each other on the sofa talking, teasing, or laughing.  She wasn't the only one to say things like that. Then she sighed and said that having a rich, lasting love must make the losing of him worse.  I said it did.  Her acknowledgement really helped us communicate better.

It's so hard because our society, most societies really, barely want to admit that death exists and most certainly don't want to be reminded of how is tears apart the lives and hearts of those left behind.  It's no wonder we flounder around and it's no wonder we get so angry.

[AidaX]

Thank you everyone….