Everything happened so quickly

[jenni626yz]

My fiancee passed away 2 weeks ago. He was only 42 years old.  I am lost and lonely and he has left behind his 16 yo daughter that needs her dad. He was sick for 5 years with diagnosed ESRD (end stage renal disease). He was placed on dialysis immediately after the diagnosis. But was still doing well and strong. He was placed on the transplant list as well. This July rolls around and after waiting on the kidney transplant list for 5 years the call came! Get ready and come to the hospital we have a kidney that is a perfect match! We rush down to the hospital and the pre surgery starts, the tests, the shower, the prep. Then we are waiting for an extremely long time, abnormally long. Finally the doctor comes in and says "we sent the kidney away, on your CT scan there is a mass on your kidney and due to the size it must be cancerous. " We are crying at this point. Come all this way and all hope is gone??? It can't be! After this the pain begins, unrelenting pain in the kidney area resulting in multiple trips to the ER and long stays in the hospital. A heart surgery to help eliminate built up fluid, a surgery to try and stop the bleeding from the kidney. And finally a surgery to remove the diseased kidney! Finally the mass will be removed and treatment can start! The surgery starts and they realize the tumor is bigger than expected, wrapped around vital veins and arteries.  The surgery can't be completed. The diagnoses is Stage IV renal cancer. The pain is still there and increasing. He stops doing anything he once loved. No talking to friends. Stops eating completely says nothing tastes good, and what he does eat he throws it up. Loses a ton of weight very quickly. The plan for palitive treatment begins.  Radiation 5 days a week and Keytruda infusions every 2 weeks. Monday, radiation. Tuesday, radiation. Wednesday, radiation. Thursday, radiation. Friday, Keytruda. By Friday night he has become too weak to move. At this point I definitely feel he should be inpatient at the hospital but they refuse to keep him and send him home. Still talking and communicating with me. Says he is okay, asks for a soda says he's going to rest for awhile. I tell him goodnight and let him rest. 3am I check on him, he's sleeping normally. 530 am go to wake him for dialysis as I have been driving him because he has been too weak, and he's not responding, not breathing. Call 911 resuscitation efforts begin for 30 minutes but to no avail. How can this be? I'm heartbroken, lost, alone! And angry!! How can doctors see this human being, my love, getting weaker and weaker and insist on still feeding the poison of chemo without giving him time to regain strength!! What happened!!?? Why did anyone say you may not be strong enough for this! I was his primary caretaker and feel so guilty, what I should have done, could have done...it's eating away at me along with the grief and him passing in our home. We were together for 24 years and now there is nothing.  I don't know what to do.  I've been staring out of the window more and more, withdrawn.  All the people that said they would be there have not offered any support and I feel like they are back living their day to day life while I am stuck reliving those aweful moments and feeling overwhelming guilt and grief 😥😥 How does one go from normal to completely wasted away, a shell of their being 2 months after diagnosis and no doctors step in and try and stop it!! A beautiful soul stolen from me and his daughter too early.😥

Edited November 5, 2022 by jenni626yz
Misspelling

[DWS]

I am truly sorry for your tremendous loss and everything that all of you went through. There is nothing that I or anyone here can do or say to relieve you of such pain but know that we do listen and support each other. I'm sorry that people you were counting on to help you through this haven't followed through with their sentiments. Sadly, it happens and it hurts tremendously. Hopefully, you do find someone among them that acknowledges your need. You and your daughter have so much to process. It's all that you will want to do. Try to give yourself as much comfort and care as possible...despite your feelings of guilt. You deserve warmth and solace. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all they put you through, the roller coaster of emotions must have been horrific when you got your hopes up, only to have them dashed, again and again.  The whole chemo thing is a whole other story, I have a friend with cancer that went through it, and another who recently died, the one with cancer is attempting cure through Keto.  Last night they had dumplings and I fear she views herself as normal now and what she doesn't get is it'll take her out of Ketosis about 2-3 days or so.  Not helpful for her cancer.

Your going through this gamut of emotions is normal in grief, I know of no way to avoid it!  As DWS said, make sure to take care of yourself, eat something, go for a walk, call someone.  Be extra patient, kind, and understanding of yourself.  My heart goes out to you.

I hope you continue to come here, to read and post and know that what you are feeling is normal...unfortunately, so is people disappearing on you.  All our friends disappeared immediately, some before his funeral even!  Family cared but didn't have a clue, they still had their spouses.  Still do.

Friends, letdown
Expectation of others, letdown
Address Book changes in grief
Address Book changes
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.