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26 years old, only child, both parents lost in 14 months.


remember12

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I'm new, as in... I joined a few minutes ago because I can't sleep and talking to myself isn't helping anymore.

I'm 26. Last year my father died, right before the holidays. His death was sudden and unexpected but he died in a way many people didn't want to discuss with me. He had an addiction to pain killers. I knew about it, his friends pretended nothing was wrong, and my family tried to protect me from the truth. Even the coroner detective had a hard time telling me what happened. I hadn't talked to my dad for a year, he was toxic. I dealt with his death the best I knew how.

Fast forward to this year, this month, the day before my mothers birthday... my mom passed away right in front of me, right in my arms, on the floor, before she ate breakfast. I think she had a stroke, it was hard to watch. I knew my mom was sick, she had been battling illness for over 3 years... we knew it was lung cancer for the last 2 and we knew there was no cure. She deserved every birthday she'd ever had. She was the most amazing woman, my best friend, and an inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Now... what? I currently live alone in my mothers house because I've inherited it and all of the junk inside it. I've worked really hard cleaning and packing and sorting... I have experience with this process because it's exactly what I've been doing for the last 14 months after my dad passed away. Looking through paperwork, going to Goodwill with carloads of donations. It's my new life.

Now it's the holidays. I had plans with my in-laws who live an hour and a half away for Thanksgiving. As I drove to their house I listened to the radio and started to cry. The idea of putting on a smile while I sat around a table with people that I barely know saddened and disgusted me. What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like this new family is mine now and my mom's death was just a temporary inconvenience??? I couldn't do it. I imagined watching people shoving their faces with food, talking about football and shopping... all I could think was PIGS!

I pulled over and got gas. I took a series of deep breaths and asked myself what I really wanted to do if I had every choice in the matter and I wasn't doing something just because I felt obligated to do it. My answer was sleep forever. Not suicide... just sleep... forever. Blankets and pillows and darkness and wherever my mind can take me that isn't sitting in the rain at a gas station 60 miles from my mom's house.

I called my husband and asked him to give me some good reasons I should try to go, even though I had already made up my mind. He lives far away due to the military. He wasn't prepared for my call and did his best to give me reasons but no matter what he said I knew I wasn't driving another 30 miles to his parents house. I told him goodbye and turned the car back on.

At the intersection two signs saying North or South stared at me. I chose to go back North. I drove to a movie theater because my mom and I always saw movies together on Thanksgiving and I thought I might be able to see a movie alone and pretend like she was there with me. We loved making Thanksgiving a mother daughter day, volunteering at a shelter, eating cake and ice cream, and going to the movies. We had always lived far away from family, and that was how we did Thanksgiving.

I looked at the movies showing, none of them looked good and they didn't start for an hour anyway. I stayed in the car and cried. Then I drove back home and cried. These are the only tears I've been able to have since the day my mom passed. All of these days being numb and it takes Thanksgiving for me to freak out and start the process of tears?

None of this is making sense and I know in a few hours my family (aunts, uncles), friends, and husband are going to be calling me trying to figure out what happened. They wont understand.

I have no brothers or sisters. It's just me and two cardboard boxes of ashes. Happy holidays... ?

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thefemaleparadox

Hiya applejuice,

It sounds like you were very close to your mum and had a good relationship with her. I lost my mother about 1.5 years ago and at the initial stages of loss, I found life very mundane and pointless. The things we go about doing everyday seemed so trivial. So from that respect, I get what you mean absolutely. I had the responsibility of clearing out her cupboard and giving away her clothes. I didn't feel 'attached' to her belongings because I knew they had better use elsewhere than staying stashed away in a cupboard that no one was going to look into. I did, however, feel intense pain whenever I smelled a whiff of the perfume she used to wear on special occassions. I let myself cry because it is absolutely normal to grieve over someone who's had such an impact on our lives. In fact, I believe that the amount of time it takes for a person to get over a loved one reflects the intensity of the love you did have for that person to begin with. We never truly 'get over' it. We live with it, and we carry it with us the rest of our days. We can use it for the greater good... doing good things in their memory. I know my mum would be happy to see I did well in school and am happy with life in general, though that is going to take some time.

I'm due to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family in Ireland (I'm from Malaysia myself, culturally incredibly different from the Irish) and like you, have to 'assume' this family as my own. They're lovely people but I know they will never be what my mother was to me. But in no way does that mean we should disregard the people who do show a shred of care for us. It is important that they, too, aren't shunned away. You had to make your escape - fair enough. If you're not prepared to face an event like this with all the 'make-belief' (as it was implied to be), then don't. At least not for now. Do what you want to do.. even going to the cinema (the way you did with your mother) can be therapeutic in its own way. It honours her memory and you aren't letting her completely fade away so to speak (which she never will btw)

Hope you're keeping well. Many hugs for you... and a whopping smile :)

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Guest DarkHeart

I'm new, as in... I joined a few minutes ago because I can't sleep and talking to myself isn't helping anymore.

I'm 26. Last year my father died, right before the holidays. His death was sudden and unexpected but he died in a way many people didn't want to discuss with me. He had an addiction to pain killers. I knew about it, his friends pretended nothing was wrong, and my family tried to protect me from the truth. Even the coroner detective had a hard time telling me what happened. I hadn't talked to my dad for a year, he was toxic. I dealt with his death the best I knew how.

Fast forward to this year, this month, the day before my mothers birthday... my mom passed away right in front of me, right in my arms, on the floor, before she ate breakfast. I think she had a stroke, it was hard to watch. I knew my mom was sick, she had been battling illness for over 3 years... we knew it was lung cancer for the last 2 and we knew there was no cure. She deserved every birthday she'd ever had. She was the most amazing woman, my best friend, and an inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Now... what? I currently live alone in my mothers house because I've inherited it and all of the junk inside it. I've worked really hard cleaning and packing and sorting... I have experience with this process because it's exactly what I've been doing for the last 14 months after my dad passed away. Looking through paperwork, going to Goodwill with carloads of donations. It's my new life.

Now it's the holidays. I had plans with my in-laws who live an hour and a half away for Thanksgiving. As I drove to their house I listened to the radio and started to cry. The idea of putting on a smile while I sat around a table with people that I barely know saddened and disgusted me. What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like this new family is mine now and my mom's death was just a temporary inconvenience??? I couldn't do it. I imagined watching people shoving their faces with food, talking about football and shopping... all I could think was PIGS!

I pulled over and got gas. I took a series of deep breaths and asked myself what I really wanted to do if I had every choice in the matter and I wasn't doing something just because I felt obligated to do it. My answer was sleep forever. Not suicide... just sleep... forever. Blankets and pillows and darkness and wherever my mind can take me that isn't sitting in the rain at a gas station 60 miles from my mom's house.

I called my husband and asked him to give me some good reasons I should try to go, even though I had already made up my mind. He lives far away due to the military. He wasn't prepared for my call and did his best to give me reasons but no matter what he said I knew I wasn't driving another 30 miles to his parents house. I told him goodbye and turned the car back on.

At the intersection two signs saying North or South stared at me. I chose to go back North. I drove to a movie theater because my mom and I always saw movies together on Thanksgiving and I thought I might be able to see a movie alone and pretend like she was there with me. We loved making Thanksgiving a mother daughter day, volunteering at a shelter, eating cake and ice cream, and going to the movies. We had always lived far away from family, and that was how we did Thanksgiving.

I looked at the movies showing, none of them looked good and they didn't start for an hour anyway. I stayed in the car and cried. Then I drove back home and cried. These are the only tears I've been able to have since the day my mom passed. All of these days being numb and it takes Thanksgiving for me to freak out and start the process of tears?

None of this is making sense and I know in a few hours my family (aunts, uncles), friends, and husband are going to be calling me trying to figure out what happened. They wont understand.

I have no brothers or sisters. It's just me and two cardboard boxes of ashes. Happy holidays... ?

Hi applejuice, I read your post ~ please know that you are certainly not alone, especially here. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my mother's death to stage 4 lung cancer. It was on Black Friday last year that she died, so I will always, unfortunately, have 2 days of grief every year for the rest of my life because no matter what date Black Friday is, it will still remind me of my mom. I haven't spoken to my dad in months...he's not taking her passing well, either. And my head is so full of 'wrong' things that I fear I may become cynical and bitter permanently, which I am dreading will poorly affect my 3yr old daughter. I have not cried yet ~ at least you have, and it sounds like you will, but that's a good thing. Seriously. Your heart & mind will find ways to cope, and coming here to write your thoughts & feelings down may be quite beneficial. Try to hang in there through the holidays, I can totally sympathize with you. Take care.

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Guest DarkHeart

I'm new, as in... I joined a few minutes ago because I can't sleep and talking to myself isn't helping anymore.

I'm 26. Last year my father died, right before the holidays. His death was sudden and unexpected but he died in a way many people didn't want to discuss with me. He had an addiction to pain killers. I knew about it, his friends pretended nothing was wrong, and my family tried to protect me from the truth. Even the coroner detective had a hard time telling me what happened. I hadn't talked to my dad for a year, he was toxic. I dealt with his death the best I knew how.

Fast forward to this year, this month, the day before my mothers birthday... my mom passed away right in front of me, right in my arms, on the floor, before she ate breakfast. I think she had a stroke, it was hard to watch. I knew my mom was sick, she had been battling illness for over 3 years... we knew it was lung cancer for the last 2 and we knew there was no cure. She deserved every birthday she'd ever had. She was the most amazing woman, my best friend, and an inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Now... what? I currently live alone in my mothers house because I've inherited it and all of the junk inside it. I've worked really hard cleaning and packing and sorting... I have experience with this process because it's exactly what I've been doing for the last 14 months after my dad passed away. Looking through paperwork, going to Goodwill with carloads of donations. It's my new life.

Now it's the holidays. I had plans with my in-laws who live an hour and a half away for Thanksgiving. As I drove to their house I listened to the radio and started to cry. The idea of putting on a smile while I sat around a table with people that I barely know saddened and disgusted me. What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like this new family is mine now and my mom's death was just a temporary inconvenience??? I couldn't do it. I imagined watching people shoving their faces with food, talking about football and shopping... all I could think was PIGS!

I pulled over and got gas. I took a series of deep breaths and asked myself what I really wanted to do if I had every choice in the matter and I wasn't doing something just because I felt obligated to do it. My answer was sleep forever. Not suicide... just sleep... forever. Blankets and pillows and darkness and wherever my mind can take me that isn't sitting in the rain at a gas station 60 miles from my mom's house.

I called my husband and asked him to give me some good reasons I should try to go, even though I had already made up my mind. He lives far away due to the military. He wasn't prepared for my call and did his best to give me reasons but no matter what he said I knew I wasn't driving another 30 miles to his parents house. I told him goodbye and turned the car back on.

At the intersection two signs saying North or South stared at me. I chose to go back North. I drove to a movie theater because my mom and I always saw movies together on Thanksgiving and I thought I might be able to see a movie alone and pretend like she was there with me. We loved making Thanksgiving a mother daughter day, volunteering at a shelter, eating cake and ice cream, and going to the movies. We had always lived far away from family, and that was how we did Thanksgiving.

I looked at the movies showing, none of them looked good and they didn't start for an hour anyway. I stayed in the car and cried. Then I drove back home and cried. These are the only tears I've been able to have since the day my mom passed. All of these days being numb and it takes Thanksgiving for me to freak out and start the process of tears?

None of this is making sense and I know in a few hours my family (aunts, uncles), friends, and husband are going to be calling me trying to figure out what happened. They wont understand.

I have no brothers or sisters. It's just me and two cardboard boxes of ashes. Happy holidays... ?

Hi applejuice, I read your post ~ please know that you are certainly not alone, especially here. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my mother's death to stage 4 lung cancer. It was on Black Friday last year that she died, so I will always, unfortunately, have 2 days of grief every year for the rest of my life because no matter what date Black Friday is, it will still remind me of my mom. I haven't spoken to my dad in months...he's not taking her passing well, either. And my head is so full of 'wrong' things that I fear I may become cynical and bitter permanently, which I am dreading will poorly affect my 3yr old daughter. I have not cried yet ~ at least you have, and it sounds like you will, but that's a good thing. Seriously. Your heart & mind will find ways to cope, and coming here to write your thoughts & feelings down may be quite beneficial. Try to hang in there through the holidays, I can totally sympathize with you. Take care.

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I'm new, as in... I joined a few minutes ago because I can't sleep and talking to myself isn't helping anymore.

I'm 26. Last year my father died, right before the holidays. His death was sudden and unexpected but he died in a way many people didn't want to discuss with me. He had an addiction to pain killers. I knew about it, his friends pretended nothing was wrong, and my family tried to protect me from the truth. Even the coroner detective had a hard time telling me what happened. I hadn't talked to my dad for a year, he was toxic. I dealt with his death the best I knew how.

Fast forward to this year, this month, the day before my mothers birthday... my mom passed away right in front of me, right in my arms, on the floor, before she ate breakfast. I think she had a stroke, it was hard to watch. I knew my mom was sick, she had been battling illness for over 3 years... we knew it was lung cancer for the last 2 and we knew there was no cure. She deserved every birthday she'd ever had. She was the most amazing woman, my best friend, and an inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Now... what? I currently live alone in my mothers house because I've inherited it and all of the junk inside it. I've worked really hard cleaning and packing and sorting... I have experience with this process because it's exactly what I've been doing for the last 14 months after my dad passed away. Looking through paperwork, going to Goodwill with carloads of donations. It's my new life.

Now it's the holidays. I had plans with my in-laws who live an hour and a half away for Thanksgiving. As I drove to their house I listened to the radio and started to cry. The idea of putting on a smile while I sat around a table with people that I barely know saddened and disgusted me. What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like this new family is mine now and my mom's death was just a temporary inconvenience??? I couldn't do it. I imagined watching people shoving their faces with food, talking about football and shopping... all I could think was PIGS!

I pulled over and got gas. I took a series of deep breaths and asked myself what I really wanted to do if I had every choice in the matter and I wasn't doing something just because I felt obligated to do it. My answer was sleep forever. Not suicide... just sleep... forever. Blankets and pillows and darkness and wherever my mind can take me that isn't sitting in the rain at a gas station 60 miles from my mom's house.

I called my husband and asked him to give me some good reasons I should try to go, even though I had already made up my mind. He lives far away due to the military. He wasn't prepared for my call and did his best to give me reasons but no matter what he said I knew I wasn't driving another 30 miles to his parents house. I told him goodbye and turned the car back on.

At the intersection two signs saying North or South stared at me. I chose to go back North. I drove to a movie theater because my mom and I always saw movies together on Thanksgiving and I thought I might be able to see a movie alone and pretend like she was there with me. We loved making Thanksgiving a mother daughter day, volunteering at a shelter, eating cake and ice cream, and going to the movies. We had always lived far away from family, and that was how we did Thanksgiving.

I looked at the movies showing, none of them looked good and they didn't start for an hour anyway. I stayed in the car and cried. Then I drove back home and cried. These are the only tears I've been able to have since the day my mom passed. All of these days being numb and it takes Thanksgiving for me to freak out and start the process of tears?

None of this is making sense and I know in a few hours my family (aunts, uncles), friends, and husband are going to be calling me trying to figure out what happened. They wont understand.

I have no brothers or sisters. It's just me and two cardboard boxes of ashes. Happy holidays... ?

Dear applejuice,

I am sorry for your losses. The holidays are difficult even if the grief is not new. Give yourself permission to do what is best for you. Don't be concerned about what others "think" you should or should not do. You are hurting and you need to allow yourself to grieve. It won't just go away and it refuses to be ignored. You are still in the beginning stages which can include some numbness to help you cope. You need to be around people who understand without making up excuses. If your husband, in-laws, and family do not understand don't concern yourself with them right now.. first things first, you need to be good to your self.. you are fragile and if not treated with care can break. Find a grief support group, somewhere you can go and talk and people will understand. Hospice sometimes offers such groups at no charge or a very low fee. Since your husband is military check with TriCare or your insurance carrier for professional in the network.

You have been wounded my dear and need time to heal.

I just lost my sister and even though grieving isn't new to me, I feel like I am loosing my mind at times. I won't tell you it gets better but you will learn to cope, and someday the memories will be less painful.

God Bless you and watch over you...

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Hi Hon: wow sounds exactly like me. I just lost my mother on Nov 14, 2 weeks ago. I couldn't believe she was gone, I was numb. I am an only child. i do exactly what you do. we should talk. lol

She was my life and my best friend, a wonderful woman, give you the shirt off her back. She was sick for a while and i was caring for her then she was in a nursing home and they weren't feeding her, she was so skinny went into the hospital and made it 10 more days. So now i have to sue them.

I need new bereveament friends and some support. I am renting a room in someone's home right now and i hate it. I just want my mother back, She loved me so much and it seems like everyone else just likes to annoy me.

I am considering moving to florida in january when i can afford it, meantime i am stuck here with a very moody roommate.

I moved away from my mothers area and i feel like im in outer space just want my old life back. I cry alot too, its sooo hard. I would love to chat with some of you. I can even leave my number if you want to chat. 908-531-8851.

Love and blessings to all and may god surround us all with his love. The holidays are going to be very hard.

Debbie

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I'm new, as in... I joined a few minutes ago because I can't sleep and talking to myself isn't helping anymore.

I'm 26. Last year my father died, right before the holidays. His death was sudden and unexpected but he died in a way many people didn't want to discuss with me. He had an addiction to pain killers. I knew about it, his friends pretended nothing was wrong, and my family tried to protect me from the truth. Even the coroner detective had a hard time telling me what happened. I hadn't talked to my dad for a year, he was toxic. I dealt with his death the best I knew how.

Fast forward to this year, this month, the day before my mothers birthday... my mom passed away right in front of me, right in my arms, on the floor, before she ate breakfast. I think she had a stroke, it was hard to watch. I knew my mom was sick, she had been battling illness for over 3 years... we knew it was lung cancer for the last 2 and we knew there was no cure. She deserved every birthday she'd ever had. She was the most amazing woman, my best friend, and an inspiration to everyone who knew her.

Now... what? I currently live alone in my mothers house because I've inherited it and all of the junk inside it. I've worked really hard cleaning and packing and sorting... I have experience with this process because it's exactly what I've been doing for the last 14 months after my dad passed away. Looking through paperwork, going to Goodwill with carloads of donations. It's my new life.

Now it's the holidays. I had plans with my in-laws who live an hour and a half away for Thanksgiving. As I drove to their house I listened to the radio and started to cry. The idea of putting on a smile while I sat around a table with people that I barely know saddened and disgusted me. What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like this new family is mine now and my mom's death was just a temporary inconvenience??? I couldn't do it. I imagined watching people shoving their faces with food, talking about football and shopping... all I could think was PIGS!

I pulled over and got gas. I took a series of deep breaths and asked myself what I really wanted to do if I had every choice in the matter and I wasn't doing something just because I felt obligated to do it. My answer was sleep forever. Not suicide... just sleep... forever. Blankets and pillows and darkness and wherever my mind can take me that isn't sitting in the rain at a gas station 60 miles from my mom's house.

I called my husband and asked him to give me some good reasons I should try to go, even though I had already made up my mind. He lives far away due to the military. He wasn't prepared for my call and did his best to give me reasons but no matter what he said I knew I wasn't driving another 30 miles to his parents house. I told him goodbye and turned the car back on.

At the intersection two signs saying North or South stared at me. I chose to go back North. I drove to a movie theater because my mom and I always saw movies together on Thanksgiving and I thought I might be able to see a movie alone and pretend like she was there with me. We loved making Thanksgiving a mother daughter day, volunteering at a shelter, eating cake and ice cream, and going to the movies. We had always lived far away from family, and that was how we did Thanksgiving.

I looked at the movies showing, none of them looked good and they didn't start for an hour anyway. I stayed in the car and cried. Then I drove back home and cried. These are the only tears I've been able to have since the day my mom passed. All of these days being numb and it takes Thanksgiving for me to freak out and start the process of tears?

None of this is making sense and I know in a few hours my family (aunts, uncles), friends, and husband are going to be calling me trying to figure out what happened. They wont understand.

I have no brothers or sisters. It's just me and two cardboard boxes of ashes. Happy holidays... ?

I can say that I do understand what you are going through. I too am an only child, having lost my dad almost 30 years ago. My dad died on Thanksgiving - and it was my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.

His birthday was Dec 3rd - and I lost mom on Dec 10 - just over 9 days ago. So that ruins the holidays. I too feel lost. And as a man, I'm expected to keep my chin up and get over it. But that's impossible. My mom and I were inseparable since my dad died. It's hard to try and forget someone that has been at your side for 56 years.

I hope you can find some solace - but I know it will be difficult. Good luck and I will pray for you.

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